Saying Goodbye to Superman

 September 4th, 2024 I said goodbye to my Dad, my Superman.  About a month ago, he got the news that he had two malignant tumors on his pancreas.  Apparently, having two tumors on the pancreas is quite rare.  When my brother asked the Dr. if Dad would be around five years from now, the Dr. emphatically stated, "No".  Though we knew our time with Dad was limited, we were not quite prepared for how quickly things escalated.  

For the first few weeks after diagnosis, you would not have even known he was sick.  He did not complain of any pain, which came as a surprise to even his oncologist.  So when my dad started mentioning he was not feeling too well just two days prior to death, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.  

I stopped in to see him on Tuesday the 3rd and he was in a bit of pain.  He looked like death.   So, I started to get the ball rolling to sign him up for hospice.  I initially just asked the nurse practitioner on my team where I work in hospice how the referral to hospice works.  She was amazing!  She initiated the referral,  contacted his primary care physician, and was able to get my dad some pain meds.   This allowed my dad to have one last night at home before I brought him to the Emergency Room the following morning.

Wednesday I woke up and called my dad and he said he was not feeling well.  I asked if he wanted to go tot he ER and he left that up to me.  Well, I zoomed up to his house to bring him in.  When I got in the house, my dad was smoking his cigarette and seemed a bit confused, at one point yelling out for Bill who was not at home.   I helped him to my car, but this was no easy feat. 

He used his walker to exit the house, but once on the deck, he stated he needed to sit down.  I encouraged him to keep going because we were half way there.  In desperation, I started to wave my arms for the guy across the street to come offer assistance, but he did not see me.  So Dad mustered up some strength and took a few more steps, but that is all he could do.  I helped him gently down to the deck floor so he could sit on the steps while I searched for help from the neighbor.  Well, he couldn't sit and instead had his head on the step while his body laid on the ground.  I ran inside to grab a pillow for his head before running to the group home next door to ask for help.  A guy about my size answered the door and came to our assistance.  The vision of my dad lying on the ground, with his dentures loose in his mouth will be forever etched in my brain.  We got dad in the car and away we went to the ER.  

On the way there, he smelled so bad that I was gagging in the car, but trying not to let him notice.  He was moaning and uncomfortable, though able to talk in short sentences as he was short of breath as well.  I presented my dad to the ER with a full catheter bag, a foul smell, one sock on, slippers on the wrong feet and dentures with cavities.  Though nobody seemed to notice, I certainly felt like a neglectful daughter.  But, this was an emergency afterall, and people don't always have time to shower before an emergency.

The ER took tons of tests.  During this time, the nurse asked me if we wanted CPR should we need it.  Dad was alert and everything so I asked him.  He stated he did want it.  So, I asked him again if that is indeed what he wanted and kind of explained as best I could.  He again stated he wanted what I wanted.  Well, I didn't WANT that, but it is what I thought was in his best interest so I shook my  head no to the nurse and stood behind my dad so that he did not see me crying.  

At this time, the doctor came in and said there was a lot wrong with my dad.  He seemed to have an infection somewhere, his blood sugars were 699, he was throwing up blood, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.  So they started him on antibiotics and insulin.  This seemed to be of benefit to him as he seemed less confused, and more awake.  He was able to talk more easily and seemed in decent enough comfort.

Then the other doctor came in and basically said, that meds he was currently on would not offer any benefit long term.  She explained what was happening to his body and all of his organs were shutting down.  He was dying.   So, we decided to do palliative care and discontinue the meds, and he would be admitted to the oncology floor.

Once we were alone in the room, I was able to tell my dad thank you for being such a good dad, especially these past few years.  I cried with him then.  Told him I loved him and just sat with him. I tried to approach his dying with curiosity and interest.  I asked him what he was experiencing, but he could not quite verbalize what he was experiencing.   He seemed to be hallucinating at times, and mentioned seeing people when I could not.  

Once Dad got admitted to the oncology floor, all the brothers and Dorie came down to visit.  None of us realized that this would be the last visit we would have.  I was in contact back and forth with Hospice, and the plan was for my dad to return home in the morning so that he could die at home.  I am not sure my family understood this part of the plan; that discharging home meant that he was discharging home to DIE.    I wish I could have explained that part to them in that moment, but it all turned out for the best anyway. 

Since Bill stated he would stay and watch the Twins with him, I decided to leave.  Before I did, I explained to Dad that he would come home in the morning.  I gave him a kiss on his very cold lips and went home. 

Around 7:00 PM, something told me to call the hospital to check to see how my dad was doing.  The nurse advised me that Bill left some time ago, and my dad was now alone.  He was telling the nurse things like "I am dying and my family doesn't care", and seemed anxious.   Of course, I beelined to the hospital with a plan to sleep overnight.  

Upon arriving into the room, my dad was restless, not exactly in this world, and not quite out of it yet either.  I believe he knew I was there.   He looked me straight in the eyes and I told him I would remain with him.  I held his  hand for a while.  He was very fidgety with his hands.  His TV was on loud, so I turned that off, and put on some calming Palliative care music I found on my phone.  This seemed to help relax him a bit.  

He mentioned he needed to do something with his hands so I gave him a reusable plastic bag that seemed to provide some relief for the restlessness he was experiencing.  He kept putting it to his mouth, and I can't help but wonder if this was a cigarette fit.   Dad kept trying to get out of the hospital bed and at one point, hit his head on the side of the bed as he was struggling to sit up.  Had he been at home, he would have definitely been able to get up off the couch and would have fallen for sure.  I was thankful to have the hospital bed in the hospital with nurses around who could help me if I needed.

I asked the nurse for more medication.  She was able to give all of his meds at one time, which I was happy about.  He had difficulty swallowing (he was not hooked up to any machines of any kind), but was able to get those last three pills in.  This was a blessing.  He was able to be very comfortable, not restless, and was calm.  During this time, I told him to say hi to mom. 

I started to lay down to rest and had this urge to just say "I love you, Dad" over and over.  I said it three times and was crying.  Minutes after, the nurse came in, looked at Dad, and pulled out her stethoscope.  Indeed, his heart had stopped.  She had to get a second nurse to verify the death and it was confirmed.  

Unconventionally, I proclaimed, "I'm so happy!"  I wasn't happy he was dead, but I was happy he did not have to suffer for days...and selfishly I was happy I could go home and sleep in my own bed.  

Before leaving, I cheekily stated, "call me if anything should change".  

And that was that.  My Superman was gone. 

I am at peace with his death and his passing, though there inevitably remains the "what ifs".  Rationally I know that his death happened in the best way possible for him and for the family.  

Though he is gone in the flesh, he will forever be My Superman!

Low Key 4th

 Fourth of July 2024 was quite low key, but oh so fun.  We started our celebration by taking a trip up the North Shore with our pup on July 3rd.  It was extra special because I was able to score the day off on very short notice.  The perks of a non union job!  The 3rd was a hot and sunny day so we took advantage and decided to go to Gooseberry Falls.  Despite it being packed with people, we felt like we were the only ones there as we ventured on the Path Less Traveled....as we often do.  It was a path we had never been on before and the only down side was that it was hot and sunny with very little shade coverage.  Though it was only a short trail just over a mile long, we were a little concerned that it was too too hot for  Meeka.  She is a trooper though and did just fine.  

  Afterwards we did venture to where the people were, but only for a short walk through so our dog could see the gushing falls.  Having Meeka along sure does cause people to comment or make conversation, something neither Amy nor I really appreciate.  This deemed true for the possibly drunk gentleman who had to tell us all about his two dogs that he lost.  After painfully listening to him mumble for a few minutes, we were able to disengage and go about our day rather quickly.

Next up was a beautiful picnic on the rock tops looking down over the ever so beautiful Lake Superior with our signature egg salad sandwiches.  It was a perfect way to spend the day with the two living beings I adore more than anything in the world.  

The 4th of July proper was spent at home just being and enjoying the comforts of each other and our own home.   We did head to a new trail system just a few miles from home.  It was hot, cloudy, beautiful and void of all humans other than us.  To me, it felt like a beach walk in a foreign land. 

After enjoying our yard, we decided to chill out and watch a fun "comedy/adventure" movie!  The movie  choice was "Captain Fantastic", and though it was a good movie, it was no comedy adventure I tell you what.  Instead it was a heavy, thought provoking and philosophical movie that wasn't quite the feel we were aiming for.  Still, being with my lady on the 4th no matter what we are doing is exactly what I want to be doing.  We opted not to battle the 4th of July crowds to see fireworks this year, and instead watched them on our gigantic TV on live stream in the comfort of our pajamas.  

Our celebration did not stop there.  On the 5th, we went to a farmer's market in the morning followed by a lovely kayak in the early evening.  We are now able to kayak right from our backyard right to the river.  Some might have called us foolish for venturing out with the sound of looming thunder in the background, but venture out we did.   And I am glad we did as our excursion started with a glorious rainbow!  We paddled into that rainbow for quite a while before making our way back upstream with sights of muskrats, beavers, and eagles.  

We struggle to stay awake past 10 PM these days, but on July 5th, we went for a 10:00 walk with our dog down to the river to catch fireworks that Mont Du Lac was shooting off.  We were hoping nobody else would be at the pier so we could be selfish and watch the display all by ourselves.  As luck would have it, the folks who were there just before us all left just in time for us to have the pier all to ourselves while watching the quaint firework display right here in our own backyard.  We were impressed with our pup who did not bat an eye at the sounds and sights of the 4th of July.  

From Gooseberry Falls to our neighborhood fishing pier, we spent a lovely, low key holiday together.  And though there were people all around, it felt as though it was just me, my dog, and my lady.  No place I would rather be in this whole world.   My heart is full.   

Facing the Social Anxieties

So I was invited to a work function last week.  A social work function.  With people I hardly know.  At a private residence.  This is scary for me as I prefer to stay in the comfort of my own home surrounded by the people and things that help me feel.....well, comfortable.  But I thought this was important to attend as a team-building activity.  To both feel like I am part of the team as well as let my coworkers know that yes, indeed, I AM part of this team.  So show up I did.

Showing up is half the battle.  Actually, getting myself to show up is the entire battle.  Part of my initial anxiety was a lack of an arrival time so I did not know when other people would be showing up.  Arriving at places (and departing places), especially the more intimate setting of a private residence, causes me great social anxiety.   As a way to help ease that, I decided that I was going to arrive a bit early and monitor the parking situation to try to time my arrival with the arrival of another coworker so that we could walk in together.  

Well, I made it to the home and noticed there were no other cars parked on the street.  Instead of just showing up like a normal person, I decided to circle the block a few times to wait for that elusive coworker.  Now, this is in a neighborhood of well-to-do folks who live in very big and nice homes.  My car does not quite fit in.  It is rusty.  Clunky. Loud. Has kayak racks in the up position on the roof.  In other words, I stood out like a sore thumb driving around the block no less than a dozen times.  Thankfully, the guy digging dirt on the corner seemed to be oblivious each time I drove past him.  

One time, I pulled up across the street from my destination and as I was looking over my shoulder, I drove my car into the curb which caused me to honk my horn.  CLUNK!  HONK!   Horrified, I sped away with sweat dripping down my brow.  I sure hope nobody saw me; but in times of today, most people have cameras and such so maybe I gave someone a good laugh.

My bladder started yelling at me and I had to pee something fierce.  I drove around searching for a perfect spot to relieve myself....only such a spot did not exist.  Alas, just ahead, a porta potty in the yard of a big beautiful home!  As I drove nearer to it, there was a crew of men doing some landscaping work....no way could I bring myself to use that!  It was like the Universe was taunting me.   I held in my urine and went another round. Still no work buddies.

One more time around the block, and frantic texts to my lady for support, and I decided to just go for it.  Still no cars, but I can walk up and alert my hostess that I am here.  Or can I?  I did.  I walked up onto the porch only to turn back around and head back to my car.  Instead of knocking or ringing the door bell, I decided to text her to let her know I arrived.  Before too long, I see her standing on her porch, waving to me to come on in!

So I once again make my way up her walk and got to her door only to find she has a misbehaving dog who I accidentally let loose!  So that made things quite awkward.  Thankfully before she went after her dog, she spontaneously led me to her bathroom where I could pee and breathe.  By the time I exited the bathroom, the dog was back inside and I was a little calmer. 

The gathering was quite nice, but the whole time I was there, I kept thinking how I had to leave.  I gave myself a time limit I wanted to leave by....except I had had a margarita.  That delayed my self imposed exit time.  

Still, somehow I made it there alive and made it out alive.  And now I feel a little bit more a part of this team I have been working with for over a year now.    Plus maybe I built up some muscles for future social events such as this one.  

Our Pet Manual

 With the addition of our sweet Meeka comes a whole other level of crazy pet owner.  In the rare event that we ever leave our home and our animals in the hands of someone we trust (which is very few!), they will be greeted with the biggest manual imaginable with all the idiosyncrasies our little lovelies require.   Grab yourself a cup of coffee to read just a few of the cautionary blurbs for caring for our three spoiled cats and one dog who is actually a Princess.  

Keep your coffee cup out of reach as Scully seems to be a coffee addict and will eagerly lap out of your cup.  Oh yeah, your toothbrush is even more alluring for her. 

Keep a small puddle of water in the bathtub for both Scully and Franklin to drink out of.  Their lovely water fountain is not good enough for either of them. 

Keep all felt materials out of reach.  Meeka likes to include felt as part of her regular diet.  

Cat turds are also the tastiest treat Meeka can find so keep a tidy litter box lest you want to play a game of "catch-me-if-you-can" while she gnaws on some tasty turds. The fresher and smellier, the better!

For some reason, the dog won't eat food out of her bowl...so you must make mealtimes into a game.  Hide her kibble in any kind of dog toy or snuffle mat to ensure she is getting adequate nutrition.  Cat turds won't cut it. 

Also, the dog won't sleep unless she is laying on your lap.  If this occurs, you are stuck in one spot until she decides she has slept long enough.  Actually, this is true for all the pets.

Franklin doesn't eat food.  Though is the heaviest of all of our animals.  He prefers plastic anyway.  Never leave plastic bags of any kind laying around.  Franklin has the sniffiest sniffer for plastic and will bust into locked drawers to swallow some of that slippery goodness.

Margie has an affinity for rubbing her poopy butt on her toilet paper, which doubles as our carpeting.  To minimize this, take a warm, wet washcloth and give her bottom a nice bath.  Don't worry, she will howl for hours on end in the bathroom until this is accomplished.  Oh yeah, this is her private time so make sure no other animal is nearby.  

Speaking of Margie, she has intense rage sometimes. Just give her her "kicking burrito" or banana so she can take her aggressions out on that.  It helps.

Meeka likes to eat anything that she isn't supposed to have.  Her favorites are hair ties and rubber mats.  Each night, allow Meeka to take your hair tie out of your hair and hold it in her mouth.  Pretend like she isn't supposed to do that, though.  Then, try to take it out of her mouth while giving her far more authority than she deserves.  Wiggle the hair tie free and then give her smooches.  As for the rubber mats, your solution is as good as ours.  

Every evening after dark, it is "red light time".  Don't worry if you forget this...Meeka will be sure to let you know when it is time to take her outside and have her chase the red laser light that she will never be able to catch or touch.  

Feeding time is a whole book in and of itself.  In the mornings, feed dog first in her kennel so that the cats can eat in peace.  Dish Franklin up some food even though he won't eat it.  After cats are fed, let Meeka out of her kennel so that she can run around and lick all the bowls.  On Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, put a capsule of glucosamine in both Margie's and Scully's food.  

Before bed, fill the cat crunchies up while making sure Meeka gets some "accidentally dropped" cat foods.  Keep crunchy cat food on table.  Then, bring dog to bed.  Then, exit the bedroom to find Margie sitting with a panicked look on her face thinking you forgot to feed her.  Then, quietly put previously filled crunchy bowl on the floor so Margie can eat her carefully measured out portion (even though she eats at will throughout the day). Now you may reenter the bedroom where dog is and finally go to sleep.  Unless you are startled awake by the sound of honking geese or cats trying to bust their way into the bedroom.  See below: 

Use the sound machine to drown out the sounds of incredibly loud geese and minor cat scratchings on the door.  If cats scratch excessively, put in place the spikey moat while using caution so you don't get impaled by stepping on it when you have to use the bathroom while half asleep.  

Scully can pretty much do whatever she wants.  It is wasted energy to try to get her to comply.

This sums up the gist of how we rearrange our life to make our furry critters happy and comfortable.

Please submit your resume complete with cover letter and 10 references, and give thanks that you don't have to puff Tino with an inhaler twice a day everyday.  

Bookend Year

 Year 2023 was, what I am calling, a "bookend year".  In January of 2023, I got myself a new job.  It was a huge leap for me, and a leap I wasn't sure I wanted to take.  Now having been in my job for a little over a year, I can surely state that I have no regrets in leaving my old job.  My new job, working in hospice, has been wonderful.  Sure, I still get anxious.  Sure, I sometimes feel as though I am inadequate on what I do (after all I am still learning the job).  And, sure, sometimes I hate having to go to work.  However, my new job allows me to work at home most days, and the people I am providing support for seem to really appreciate even a 5 minute check in.  Learning something new and challenging myself outside of my comfort zone is proving to build parts of my self esteem that had been lost...or maybe forgotten.  My work environment is filled with positvity, love, and genuine concerns for the well-being of our clients as well as for each other.  My old job had that, too, but in hospice it feels a little less toxic, and a lot more patient centered.  The folks who work there seem to operate on a spiritual level that is above my own, which helps to elevate me as well.  Some days I feel that more than others. 

Then, in December of 2023, we got ourselves a PUPPY!  

Something that also brought with it some trepidation:  We've done this before and had a horrible experience from start to finish, Will the puppy bond with me?  Can I even take care of a helpless creature when I struggle to properly care for myself all the time?  A puppy is a lot of responsibility that affects spontaneity and freedom.  The dirt!  The smell!  The potty training!  All that and so much more.

However, getting Meeka happens to be just about the best thing that has happened to me since falling in love with my best friend 10 years ago.  She brings joy to me on a daily basis, is my co worker on days I work from home, my motivation to get out for walks, and a tremendous emotional support.  She keeps me out of the world of my head and into the world of the living. 

Though I have had to make a few personal adjustments.  For example, she won't let me wear headbands or hair ties as she removes them from my head just about as fast as I put them on.  She has left me about an inch of a king sized bed to sleep on, and I am forced to share just about all of my food that I eat.  Oh, and the cat box has to be kept extra extra clean because she reaaaalllllly likes cat turds.  But somehow, even her naughty behavior is cute and charming (except the cat turd thing....that is just awful).  

So, yeah, the year 2023 started out with a positive change and ended with a positive change.   And as I am sitting here writing this blog during my work day, with my dog sleeping in a sun spot, and my lady love downstairs, my heart is filled with gratitude.  

Healing Through Love

This quote spoke to me on a level that gave me reason to pause, and in a way that provoked some motivation to do better.  It dawned on me.  I have a living, breathing entity inside of me that deserves to be taken care of.  Much the same way I take care of my beloved cats.  Much the same way I take care of a baby or child.  Much the same way I take care of drowning worms after a rainfall.   Not to say I haven't killed my fair share of insects and other such critters, but even then, I try my best to free the spider in the house rather than smush it dead.  So if worms and spiders are worthy of such care, how come the entity in my body is not?   Whatever this soul is, it chose to reside in this body.  I will admit that I haven't always been welcoming to it, but have, hopefully, come to realize it needs a welcoming and nurturing environment that only I can provide it.  

Not sure why this quote got me thinking, but once I realized I had a living, breathing being inside this shell, I figured I had better take care of it.  Not sure why I haven't thought of it like this in the past.  Its almost a no-brainer, really.  I've devised self care plans for myself in the past, and have been able to stick to them for a short amount of time.  But they say,  if at first you can't succeed, try try again.  So here I am trying again.   I have a plan in place to take care of whatever is taking up residence inside my skin and bones.  It chose "me", and it deserves better than I have been providing.  Basic self care needs of water, exercise and connection to the world in which I am existing is all it is, but it isn't always easy to achieve.  Life gets muddled and focus falls on things beyond my control.  My only real job in this life is to love this entity.   Once I start nourishing this soul, I can provide better for the other souls who are floating around beside this one, something I have not been very good at lately.  

The other day I opened up a Bible to a random page and read it.  It was all about coming to know God through Jesus.  I'm not religious; I don't know much about God or Jesus really. I can't tell you the chapter or book of which I read.   But I do know that it was a message from beyond myself, and I also know that Jesus is love.  So by loving myself,  I can come to know God on a deeper level.  

It is through love that heals.   

Facing Fears for Birthdays

 This year for our Birthdays, we opted for having an experience rather than giving gifts.  Inadvertently we ended up choosing activities that challenged us to face a fear of ours.  OK, so maybe not those life altering fears that get songs and movies, but fears nonetheless.  

Amy wanted a quiet, low key experience for her big 4-0 and she opted for a petting zoo!  So fun!  

How is this facing fears you might ask?  Well, see that llama there (or maybe that's an alpaca.... I don't really know the difference between the two)?   Llamas are notorious for spitting on people, and that is just not something either one of us want to encounter.  We have both been too afraid to approach llamas at zoos until this day.  The lady at the petting zoo ensured us that her llamas did not spit.  True to her word, we remained dry and got to pet and feed this furry little guy.  

When it was time for me to pick my Birthday experience, I opted to do an instructional art activity.   I have always had this belief that I am not creative nor can I do art.  These instructional art classes are kind of trendy right now, and I have been curious by people's finished projects they have posted on social media.  Certainly, I could not make a beautiful picture like they did...or could I? 

By Golly, I can!!  This is my painting.   It was a class of about 20 people all making this same picture so it was easy to look at the progress of neighboring painters, which is dangerous for me since I have a tendency to compare and criticize my own work.  Alas, I suspended my own self judgement and just let my own picture develop from my own brain and hands (and the guidance of our instructor).  

Side by side of my picture (left) and Amy's picture (right).  Of course, there are a few places in my picture that are not perfect or exactly how I imagined it.  However, it is a piece I am quite proud of.  A symbol to face fears, to allow imperfection, and to focus on what is beautiful rather than what is wrong.  This painting has so much beauty AND imperfection.  

And I created it!