Fabulous 4th

After not being invited to my brother's house to spend a hot and humid day on his pontoon for the 4th of July, Amy and I celebrated a little more quietly and oh so beautifully.   On the 4th of July proper, we had ourselves an intimate fire in our yard.   Meeka did great, after her initial barks, at the loud booms and pops of neighborhood fireworks being lit off around us.  After a while, she became a bit more desensitized to the intrusion and settled in with us at the fire.  Following that, Amy and I watched from the comfort of our couch the city's firework display on YouTube.

Ever since we moved to the home on our little lake, I have always wanted to do a nighttime kayak under the light of a full moon.  When we learned that Mont Du Lac would be lighting off their own firework show on the 5th of July, we were hoping for good weather to make a nighttime kayak come true.

Alas, the weather was absolutely perfect for a Duluth summer night.  Nighttime temps in the mid 70's with absolutely no wind, accompanied by a nearly full moon, made for a perfect opportunity to venture out on the water.  Plus with the addition of fireworks, how we could turn that down.

So out we went at about 9:15 PM (we kept Meeka at home for this excursion and had ourselves a "kid-free" date).  Once we got out on our lake, the beauty was only beginning.  We paddled through a magical galaxy of shimmering dragonflies, each one a flicker of summer's breath.  Peaceful and Serene, they enveloped us with their delicate wings as we made our way out to the most breathtaking sunset over the river.  

Amazingly mosquitoes were not bad!  Normally, mosquitoes make outside water time unbearable, but this year, they are a little more scarce.  Not absent completely, but definitely noticeably very few.

Once we got to the bay to watch the fireworks, the moon started to get covered up by some clouds leaving us a little concerned about paddling home in the absolute darkness.  While we waited for the celebration in the sky to begin, the current of the river started to slowly slowly take us towards home.  We just quietly flowed with the current allowing the river to be our navigator while we watched the distant sparks light up the night sky.  A beautiful reminder of our Independence especially when the outside world is a bit unsettled.   

Once the show was over, we made our way through the pitch black tunnel to return home to another mystical scene of hundreds of illuminated fireflies greeting us at our dock.  Pulling up to the fairy-tale scene  was the perfect ending to a perfect evening spent just with my lady love and God above.  

Life doesn't get much better than this, folks.  

This is 50

 November of 2024, I turned that big number we all think is unattainable, or far too ancient,  when we are wee little ones.  But alas, the Big 5-0 has found me.  I made it I guess one could say.  Turning 50 had me reflecting on my life up until now, though now that I am in front of a computer, the words I once had in my head have since faded; trying to retrieve them is proving quite difficult.  Possibly a symptom of that age.

So what did turning a half century look like for me?  It's different for everyone of course.  For me, 50 came in quietly yet profoundly.  For starters, I worked on my actual Birthday.  Work that day just happened to be a day that I co-facilitate a grief support group.  One of the ladies in group caught wind of my milestone Birthday and made it special by bringing in some brownies complete with candles and whipped cream.  

On the home front, my lovely lady ensured that I felt loved and special.  She encouraged a Birthday Bash, but that just isn't my cup of tea, so we celebrated more quietly.  

 

This photo shows sticky notes that have 50 accomplishments I have achieved written on them.   Amy hid all 50 of these throughout the house for me to find as I go about my day-to-day business at home.  Three are have yet to be found still  two months later. 

Then, because we both like to stay home, we did a YouTube painting experience.  

Mine is on the right, hers is on the left.  Bob Ross makes it looks to easy, but working with acrylic paints is not such an easy task.  This was more about the process and the experience of creating rather than the finished result.  A beautiful reminder for year 50 and beyond.  It's all about the journey, not necessarily the destination.  And my partner on this journey with me is the best one a human could find.  

Also on my half a century milestone, I bought myself a brand-new car!  Never have I ever been able to do that before and my 50th year was as good a time as any.  My car is still being built and I should have it in about a month or so, but this stock picture is what my car should look like.  I splurged and got a lot of bells and whistles like a heated steering wheel and heated seats simply because I could.  You could say that my dad actually bought this car for me since I am using his money posthumously for this purpose.   

Fifty also got me out on ice skates.  

I do have osteoporosis so doing things that could easily lead to fractures are a little  unnerving.  Luckily I had the assist of a folding chair to help keep my balance while I skated around, though I did take one unassisted lap around our frozen lake.   I've been on skates before, but not for many many many years, and possibly not for many many more years.  My itch has been scratched. 

Fifty also ushered in a new era for me which is the era of being an orphan.  My dad died just two months prior to my Birthday, and of course my mom has been gone for just over 11 years now.  Being an orphan is a mixed bag of emotions.  On one hand, its really freeing not to have to worry about my aging parents for I know how that story ends.  It has ended.  On the other hand, it is a bit lonely not having my two pillars of strength to lean on when I may need it.  Even in my dad's weakened state, he provided me a lot of strength during some of my toughest moments.  There is no love like the love of parents which is truly unconditional and ever present.  

Working in hospice, and watching my family drop off one by one sure has me thinking about my own life history, my future, and my end of life.  As my lady, Amy, reminded me with those sticky notes, I have accomplished a lot in my lifetime: things like being a good human, being respectful to my fellow man, striving to be the best daughter, sister, niece, aunt, fur mom, friend, and partner that I can possibly be, among so much more.   None of that is perfect nor will it ever be.  

Entering the next 50 years of my life, I want to continue caring for myself in ways that fill up my spirit so that I can continue to care for those around me, for that is what truly gives me purpose.  Even at 50, I still have teenage-like mental health breakdowns that cause me, and those around me, great discomfort.  This is unnecessary.  The intensity can be remedied by basic self care on a consistent basis, and it is up to only me to ensure the quality of my next 50(?) years is what I want it to be.  

Hard time are unavoidable and naturally a part of living.  But overall, up to this point, my life has been beautiful, comfortable, and filled with so many simple moments of joy.   I have always lived a simple life, and a simple life I hope to always live.  

Cheers to the next 50 years!

 

Facing Fears for Birthdays

 This year for our Birthdays, we opted for having an experience rather than giving gifts.  Inadvertently we ended up choosing activities that challenged us to face a fear of ours.  OK, so maybe not those life altering fears that get songs and movies, but fears nonetheless.  

Amy wanted a quiet, low key experience for her big 4-0 and she opted for a petting zoo!  So fun!  

How is this facing fears you might ask?  Well, see that llama there (or maybe that's an alpaca.... I don't really know the difference between the two)?   Llamas are notorious for spitting on people, and that is just not something either one of us want to encounter.  We have both been too afraid to approach llamas at zoos until this day.  The lady at the petting zoo ensured us that her llamas did not spit.  True to her word, we remained dry and got to pet and feed this furry little guy.  

When it was time for me to pick my Birthday experience, I opted to do an instructional art activity.   I have always had this belief that I am not creative nor can I do art.  These instructional art classes are kind of trendy right now, and I have been curious by people's finished projects they have posted on social media.  Certainly, I could not make a beautiful picture like they did...or could I? 

By Golly, I can!!  This is my painting.   It was a class of about 20 people all making this same picture so it was easy to look at the progress of neighboring painters, which is dangerous for me since I have a tendency to compare and criticize my own work.  Alas, I suspended my own self judgement and just let my own picture develop from my own brain and hands (and the guidance of our instructor).  

Side by side of my picture (left) and Amy's picture (right).  Of course, there are a few places in my picture that are not perfect or exactly how I imagined it.  However, it is a piece I am quite proud of.  A symbol to face fears, to allow imperfection, and to focus on what is beautiful rather than what is wrong.  This painting has so much beauty AND imperfection.  

And I created it!   

Spontaneity at its Finest

 Yesterday was such a fun, spontaneous day that I wanted to capture it.  Capturing these fun days and moments are something I want to focus on.  First, to formulate those feel good pathways in my brain, and second, to remember them!  

We woke up yesterday to a cool, foggy, humid July morning.  My first day off after a full five days.  Nothing was on my agenda but maybe to do some messy yard work.  The idea of taking a road trip to Michigan was kind of in the back of both of our heads, but we also kind of postponed it for later in the week so when Amy suggested Michigan, I wasn't mentally prepared.  After a few minutes of thinking about it, I thought it sounded like the most perfect way to spend an overcast and cool summer day.  

After packing ourselves some organic ham sandwiches and tossing some water in a cooler, off we went.  No plans.  No agenda.  Just take a road trip and see what we see.  These are often our most fun outings usually with fun surprises and few, if any, disappointments.  

Neither one of us was dressed for the coolness of the day (lowest recorded temp from the car thermometer was 57 despite the forecast of a day in the high 70s).  We had planned to get out to stretch our legs,  take a few hikes, but the weather was not super inviting.  We had wanted to sit outside somewhere beautiful to eat our brought-from-home food.  Alas, our tummies and our body temperature had us settle for the parking lot of the Ironwood rest stop where we watched old people slowly walk into the building and back out again.  

After that, our next spontaneous stop was non other than WAL-MART!  This was actually fun, and we even bought a few things.  Me:  a new outfit for work.  Her:  a knee brace for her bum knee.  Plus on the drive there, we got to go through a cool, old, downtown looking area of Michigan that was reminiscent of a ghost town.  

One more stop to get what we could obtain legally from Michigan before heading back home.  On our way we drove past a sign for Interstate Falls.  Should we stop?  Should we continue home?  Amy had a bum knee, and I didn't have warm clothes to hike in 57 degree, rainy weather.  We both figured, "what the heck, why not?", so I turned the car around and headed back to the trail head.  This was not a mistake.  

As luck and preparation would have it, I carry some extra clothes in my car that included a rain poncho, long pants, and my work jacket.  Amy now had her knee brace which made walking a bit less painful for her.  I was warm.  She was mobile.  The trail was short.

This foggy dampness only added to the beauty of the woods.  Dewey moss, dripping leaves, trees, roots, unseen critters, and of course running water with mini waterfalls kept pulling us to adventure.  Waterfalls are my medicine.  I love them, find them healing, and am often called to play in them.  After arriving at the big waterfall, I wanted to do just that, so play I did!  

Outdoor temperature was chilly.  Waterfall water temperature was sure to be cold, but something was calling me to play in the waters.  I wanted to swim and play.....until I saw the crayfish.  Or I should say "Michigan Lobsters".  

These things were swimming and scattering all over the rocky bottom of where I wanted to play.  Big.  Creepy.  Eerie. And so many!  But I  didn't let them stop me.  After stripping down to my bra and undies,  and screeching reluctantly for several minutes, I surveyed the water, reminded myself they likely were not going to hurt me, and took a dive right in.  (Seeing strangers approaching from up above also expedited my dip in the frigid water as they were on their way down and I was half naked.)

It was a quick dip, but it was a full dip indeed!  No crayfish got me and I emerged feeling victorious, proud, and rejuvenated.  As a cosmic reward, the sun begin to shine and miraculously the temperature spiked up to 75 keeping me warm on the hike back to the car.  One seldom regrets the things they do, but often regret the things they do not do.  I left this trail without any regrets.  Thanks to my lady for her photography and pep talk.  Not sure I would have done it without her undying support and encouragement.   

Our trip didn't stop there.   We visited a small, but beautiful cemetery where we wondered about those who passed, and enjoyed the beautiful vegetation and insects along the border.  Another stop in Ashland where I wanted to take another dip in Lake Superior, but opted against it while making plans to revisit in the very near future.

This was a wonderful, beautiful, day filled with spontaneous moments and mood lifting experiences.  Waterfalls are healing indeed. 

A Job Not Done: Lessons Learned

 As a young teenager, I vividly remember preaching to my dad about why he should never pay somebody for a job that was not finished.  He did it all the time.  And jobs never got finished.  Never would I make that same mistake, right?  But adulting is hard sometimes, mistakes are made, and lessons are learned.

A few weeks ago, a tree guy was in the neighborhood taking down some troublesome branches and trees.  He was reasonably priced and seemed like a decent dude so I hired him to take down a bunch of overgrown and hazardous trees in my yard.  He would chop off the large limbs, stack them up neatly in a pile, out of the way, until he could come back and grab all the lumber.  Or so he said.  Well, he did come.  He did chop down some trees (Even the hammock tree, which he said he would leave...grrrrrr!).  The first part of the job was done.....and I went to pay him.  Why?  I don't know.  Because I am trusting and Believe someone will do something they say they will do.  I gave him his cash with his word that he would be back to collect the massive mess he left behind.  

Fast forward two weeks, several texts, several promises to come "tomorrow", one ominous blizzard approaching, and no word from Mr. Tree Guy.  Let it be known that in all of my texts, I was careful and cautious of my wording in case we ended up on Judge Judy...I didn't want to say anything that Judge Judy would scold me for.  I also made sure I made several references to having paid him so that that could not be disputed.  After all, I got no receipt and have no evidence of having even paid him since I had a load of cash at home (Bill paid me back).  So I was making my case for Judge Judy in text form (I think I would win!).  

Our yard is very soft.  Its not meant to have several hundred pounds of wood laying all over so this was very concerning, causing sleepless nights and frantic texts for him to come before the expected 20 inches of snow fell.  No word. 

So what does one do?  One comes home from work and watches Little House on the Prairie.  Well, poor pregnant Laura is tending the the farm during a drought when Manly (Oh how I hate that nickname!) was out of town earning a whopping $150.  Laura hauled buckets and buckets of water during a rare Minnesota heatwave in order to save her orchard.  

The wood in our yard was not going to move itself, and the tree guy certainly made it clear he was not going to finish his job.  So out I went.  Inspired by Laura....and my own anal-ness about having a tidy yard.  How in the WORLD am I going to mow in the spring time?!  

I hauled tons of wood!  Piled it in inconspicuous areas of the yard that would cause the least amount of damage.  Both to the yard and to the eyes.  Some of the pieces had to be hundreds of pounds, and those are the ones I rolled away best I could.  All the physical labor (two straight hours) helped to expel all the rage I was feeling from this situation.  Two neighbor boys did come by (dressed in crocks, shorts, and short sleeve t-shirts in the middle of December with a blizzard approaching) and helped a great deal.  They didn't last too long due to their attire and age 10 muscles, but they certainly earned their $20.  

Stone Soup.  In the Little House episode, Ma tells the story to the school children about Stone Soup....how a bunch of people can come together to accomplish something.  All the children went to Laura's to help her with her orchard.  And that is exactly what I experienced!  The neighborhood children came to help me out.  Together we got all the wood moved minutes before it started to freezing rain.  Something else to be thankful for.  

 In the midst of a crummy situation, beauty also exists.  A wonderful wife who is so forgiving for my errors in judgment and who supported me during my rageful time, neighbors who came together to help us out, and other neighbors who I know got our back when times are not easy.  Its heartwarming to see people pull together to help each other out and to celebrate what is good and true in this world. 

Lets not forget about Lessons Learned here.  So many lessons.  

One).  Never pay for a job that is not complete.  This lesson I have always known, but now I have learned.

Two).  Get a contract.  In writing.

Three).  Never pay in cash.

Four).  Get the guy's name.  I don't know his name or the name of his company!  What a fool!!  

Five).  Don't steal.  Sometimes I have this habit of stealing things from the store...like cat litter, cat food, cherries....Its always been justified that I am not stealing from a human, but I am.  Plus Karma.  I do not like this feeling of being taken advantage of.  Its gross.  Its not something I want to support.  Just be honest and real.  I bet if I acted more accordingly, Karma would also act accordingly.  

Supporting Actress

 I just got done reading "Helen Keller" (and watching all three different movie variations).  The relationship between Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan really resonated with me, even leading me to sentimental tears on a few occasions.  I've watched Helen Keller a few times in the past, and have always been in awe of Helen.  This time through, I became in awe of Annie Sullivan.  She is, after all, the Miracle Worker.  A silent, steadfast teacher who, essentially, gave up her own life so that Helen could have one.  Helen gets all the limelight and fanfare, but it is because of Annie that Helen was able to succeed.

Some other supporting ladies I have related to is Olivia de Havilland's Melanie from Gone With the Wind, and Barbara Hershey's character (Hillary) from Beaches.   I greatly admire Scarlet O'hara's guts, sass, tenacity, and remarkable talent.  However, I relate more to Melanie: loyal, determined, moral, and full of love.  Scarlet is loud, glitzy, the star of the show.  Melanie is....forgettable.

In Beaches, CeCe (played by Bette Midler) is again, the star of the show.  Its been a looooong time since I have seen this movie, but the character of Hillary has always stuck with me.  It is because of Hillary that CeCe was able to be who she was; a successful entertainer.   CeCe is memorable and talented while Hillary is forgettable and supportive.  (In fact, I had to look up the name of Barbara Hershey's character's name while I fully remembered CeCe.)    

Annie, Melanie, and Hillary.  Three supporting actresses who have made a mark on my heart, and I think I discovered why.  I, too, am a supporting lady.  Like the above supporting ladies, I am silently supporting those around me in ways that may go unnoticed.  From my friends to family members to people at my job.  Many of the kids I work with do not remember my name.  However, I choose to believe they remember some of the things I have said or done while they have been in my care.  Many little seeds of hope and healing have been planted by this supporting actress in the 23 years working with suicidal children.

I enjoy my supporting role, and in fact, have come to embrace it.  Its in my soul.  I believe it is a part of my purpose on this Earth.  What a beautiful, fulfilling, and honorable role to have.  I'm grateful it is mine.  

Middle Aged Travelers

 April 2022 was a nice time to get away to Florida.  We left Duluth on a nice spring day, temps in the mid 50's.  We were a little sad to be leaving our nice weather, but once we arrived in 90 degree Florida, Duluth had a messy spring storm for nearly the entire time we were basking in the sun.  Not gonna lie, we were a bit elated to know folks back home were in a slushy, snowy mess while we swam in the hot sun.

Our vacation was an intentional one of relaxation so we did not have a big agenda.  It was a perfect reset full of fun, laughs, and intimate pool chats.

Here we are a couple of middle aged women doing pool Olympics complete with handstands, handwalking, judging and critiques.  We each took home a gold medal in the handstand competition.  We are both professionals after our years of practice and expertise.  It is fun to be a kid still!  In addition to our handstands, we participated in another juvenile pool activity.  Yup, we peed in the pool (Sshh, don't tell).  We kept track of how many times we relieved ourselves by holding up our fingers for each time we were too lazy to get out of the pool.  We got upwards of over 5 times each by the end of pool time.   Gross, I know.

Ice cream was a perfect way to cool off in the humid, 90 degree heat.  But eating it outside was not the perfect way in which to eat the ice cream.  We were a sloppy mess covered in rapidly melting ice cream.  We had to eat it so fast that I don't think either one of us tasted much of our delicious dessert.  We ate it on the dock so the drips could just fall into the water below.  And this is where we discovered  the relaxi-taxi!  The water taxi was a cheap way to get a boat ride in right from our hotel.  We wish we would have discovered the water taxi earlier in our trip, but this night we opted for ice cream instead of liquor.  Once you get over a certain age, you have to make choices and sacrifices.  

Also, as a middle aged woman, it seems I have classified the Red Hot Chili Peppers as "heavy metal music".  For some reason, Amy finds this hilarious.  I guess they are not heavy metal after all.  

Right from our hotel room, we have views of dolphins and manatees swimming off in the distance.  My middle aged eyes also discovered there were black pelicans on the beach next to our hotel.  I was so excited to go visit the pelicans especially once I saw another woman walk near them and they didn't move.  They must be friendly pelicans!  Imagine our disappointment to find that my eyes deceived us and they weren't pelicans after all, but rather they were tires on the beach.  I wanted to go see these mysterious pelicans not only once, but twice!  After realizing they were just tires, I was still in denial, and got excited moments later when I again thought I saw pelicans.....Amy had to remind me that my eyes were playing tricks on me!

On our final day there, we went to a butterfly conservatory which was beautiful and lovely.  This solidified my middle aged-ness when I found out that they considered a senior citizen to be aged 50!  Just two short years away, and I would have been able to get reduced senior rates!

When it came time to pack the suitcase to head home, our suitcase gained over 5 pounds, not from all of our travel souvenirs we bought, but because of all the food we stole from the continental breakfast each morning.  Oh, those Florida oranges sure were tasty back home in Duluth!

More highlights of the vacation included a mama manatee with two babies seen while kayaking, dolphins from our hotel, a dead rat at the hotel restaurant, and a mascot parrot named "Blue" (who was kind of scary)!

Though traveling is always a nice getaway, coming back home is even sweeter.  There simply is no place like home!

Tiny Monster

 April of 2020 was a definite start of a very strange and scary adventure of sorts.  It started with a weird rash that landed me at the doctor's office with a diagnosis of "chiggers".   Chiggers are not known in these parts so it was a bit bizarre to hear.  That followed with a very strange list of symptoms.

• Severe bloat (I looked like I was 7 months pregnant...I'm not even exaggerating)
• Indigestion...belchy
• severe gag reflex, which was sometimes exercise induced, but was triggered by anything being near my mouth, or even the thought of it being near my mouth.
• Anorexia (see above)
• Nausea with sometimes productive vomit
• intense heart palpitations that you could see through my clothing, and that I could feel throughout my entire body.  
• Intense anxiety unlike what I have ever experienced before.  
• Jittery, shakey, tingles in my hands
• short of breath that led me unable to walk even down to the mailbox.  Sometimes I struggled to even walk to the bathroom.  
• Hard to stand for long periods of time
• Extreme fatigue that even prevented me from brushing my teeth.  I had to lean on the counter to prop my arm up enough to be able to brush my teeth.
• very dizzy
• noise sensitivity
• light headedness
• an extreme headache that later lessened to just a dull headache
• thirst
• extreme coldness that I sought out the bathtub several times a day to remedy
• extreme sweats mostly at night
• a "loud" brain..."brain on fire".   Paranoia
• Stomach discomfort, gassy
• exercise intolerance
• all the color in my face drained away and I became grey 
• thinning hair
• brain fog

 This list is not comprehensive.  It is easy to write, but it was very difficult to experience.  Despite having all these symptoms, I did not really believe I was sick.  Amy kept telling me I was sick, and I just dismissed it all as being anxiety.  Finally, after noticing the lack of normal stamina I had at work, I decided I needed to visit the doctor.   He was certain I had a tick borne illness, but even then, I tried to convince my doctor that "I was just anxious".   He ordered some blood tests (among several other tests: heart echo, CT, MRI, etc), and lo and behold, I had Lyme disease.  Tears of happiness and hope fell with the  relief to have a diagnosis that was "easily" treatable with antibiotics.  

What I didn't know at the time was that I was about to embark upon a foreign journey of illness for a year and a half.  Just now am I starting to feel more like my before Lyme self.  Before I venture into my personal experience with Lyme, let me just take a moment to share what I came to learn about the disease itself.  

Lyme disease is spread by a teeny tiny deer tick.  The size of the head of a needle.  The bacteria from deer tick gets into the bloodstream, but because it is a spirochete, it burrows into the muscles, fibers, and cells of the body.  It is a relative of Syphilis, but Lyme is 3 times smarter than Syphilis.  Often Lyme is called the "great imitator" because it takes on the symptoms of basically any illness.  At one point, I was being checked out for ovarian cancer, and then later for MS.  Because Lyme burrows in so deep, it can lay dormant until a moment of stress happens, then BAM! it shows up again.  

The craziest thing I came to learn is that Lyme disease itself is not recognized by main stream medicine.  Main Stream believes that Lyme can be treated and cured with a few weeks worth of antibiotics.  What main stream does not believe, is that it stays in the system to make reappearances possibly forever.  Since the CDC does not recognize it, to be treated for it requires a specialist that is not covered by insurances.  I found a specialist who practices about an hour from me so I drove to her to get the help I so desperately needed.  Seven months of crazy high doses of antibiotics (3200 mg daily) later, and I am hopeful for health once again.  At one point, I was taking over 20 pills a day!  Oh, and I was drinking volcanic ash to help detox.  

I am going to try my best to capture my experience with this disease.  All of those physical symptoms of this disease is nothing compared to the mental torture I experienced.  I had two main bouts of Lyme disease.  The first one, I was more physically ill.  The headache I had was unlike anything I have experienced before or since.  The pain was excruciating requiring me to use two ice packs, one on the back of my head, one of the front.  I literally could feel the bacteria climbing the back of my neck into my brain.  My first bout last almost two months.  Three weeks of antibiotics later, I thought I was done with Lyme.  

But I never felt completely better.  My mental health suffered greatly.   My relationship was affected immensely.  Stress was at at all time high, and like I said, stress brings about a lyme flare up.   Just before Christmas I had my second bout of Lyme.  This time, it was more mentally debilitating.  Best I can describe it is "I have rabies".  My brain felt like what I would imagine a rabid dog to experience.  Noise was very irritating, uncomfortable, and made me edgy.  The disease settled in my nervous system.  Infected my entire body, including my brain.  My brain!  Essentially I had a nervous breakdown.  

Anxiety was ever present and thoughts were uncontrollable.  I became paranoid.  My thoughts were so uncharacteristic of myself that I questioned if I had to be locked up somewhere.  I struggled to know what was real, still not completely accepting I was as sick as I was.  It felt as though I had a completely foreign being overtaking my body, and I guess I kind of did!  Several times, I felt as though who I was as a person was stuck somewhere deep inside the center of my stomach, and a dark force was acting on my behalf.  There were times where I was uncontrollably sobbing on the living room floor.  During these times, I felt like my soul was not present.  Unreachable.  I was trapped inside.  

I sought out the help of the lyme specialist and got on another round of high dose antibiotics.  There was an internal war going on in my body.  Bacteria vs antibiotics.  Both wanting to win desperately.  Taking antibiotics for Lyme is like detoxing.  One becomes sicker before they get better because the antibiotics are pulling the bacteria out from hiding in order to attack it.  Another month and half of physical illness left me disheartened and hopeless for a healthy future.  

Depression set it.  Unable to use my main coping skill of exercise, depression and anxiety were overtaking me.  Fast.  I lost any motivation I had left.  Panic attacks were present.  I felt disconnected from myself.  Disconnected from life.  Disconnected from everything.  "Lets get a dog!" I thought.  And we did.  Only that was not the brightest decision.  More stress.  More heartache when we ultimately decided to remedy that decision by rehoming the pup we fell in love with (see prior post).  

Fast forward to today.  One and a half years after my original lyme diagnosis, seven months of antibiotic use later, one trial of an antidepressant later, I am finally coming back from the depths of darkness.  Self care, proper nutrition, and stress reduction are key to continue to battle any bacteria that may still be present.  I'm hopeful that my lengthy and aggressive antibiotic treatment was enough to eradicate any and all of the illness.  Time will tell.  

I struggled to capture just how invasive this disease was for me, but I wanted to write this post so I can throw out my lyme disease folder of notes.  Here is to leaving illness behind while moving forward in wellness!  

Flowing

 If you know me, you probably know that I don't always flow too well.  Routine, schedules, and accomplishing tasks are my mission.  Allowing the day to just happen spontaneously, especially where work is concerned, is a bit of a challenge sometimes.  I go into most days with expectations of how I would like to see the day go:  with a clear cut plan.  It gives me a sense of control and predictability.  

This past week, I have found myself "flowing" more.  A planned bike ride date did not go as planned.  But the alternative was so much better than the original idea!  When the agenda changed, the result was adventuring on never before seen roads followed by a stunning trail ride.   Stone bridges, frogs and crawfish, rocks, clear water, and a shaded canopy on a very hot day was our reward.  Alongside us the entire time, flowed a beautiful, babbling brook.  A perfect reminder to go with the flow.  

Another flowing moment this past week involved a party I was super anxious to attend.  One that I had initially declined to attend at all.  But the day of the party arrived, and I decided to baby-step it.  Step one: "Yes, I will drive you to the party, but I am going to drop you off at the end of the driveway and come back home".  Step two:  "I am committed to going to the party just to say Happy Birthday, then I am going back home".  Step three:  "I will stay for 1/2 hour, but probably not any longer than that".  Step four:  All in! Turned out to be a super fun time including meeting new people, laughing, and dancing around a fire.  Breaking out of my comfort zone empowered me by challenging old, avoidant habits.  Sounds kind of silly, but I was proud of myself for allowing the day to unfold naturally.  All I had to do was show up and it just kind of took care of itself.  

Today at work, I flowed some more.   Leading/teaching several groups throughout the day sometimes causes me anxiety.  As a way to curb that anxiety, I like to go in to each group session with a clear cut plan.  Or two.  Its wise to have a Plan A and a Plan B so that if one is not going well, the other can be the savior.  Sometimes, I have even rehearsed what I want to say or how I want the group to go.  Today, I did none of that.  After having been off for a while and not knowing the kids too well, I decided to just see what happens.  No plan A, no plan B.  In fact, I had no plans at all.  And guess what?  All was just fine.  Fun even.  Sometimes the greatest lessons  happen during those unplanned moments where conversations and experiences happen naturally.   Both for the kids, and for myself.  Yes, flowing.  

One more example is this here post.  I didn't really want to blog tonight because the topics I have planned out  are either not inspiring for me or require a bit too much brain power that I don't have access to at the moment.  So, I just started to write and here I am flowing again.  I have even had to  suspend my own judgement on my writing and on my posts so that I am able to flow once again.  Tonight, I am writing, flowing, and seeing what happens. 

Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for planning.   Though, when I  remember to just let life happen, it feels good, and good things seem to happen.  It isn't always perfect nor do I expect it to be.   Within the imperfect parts of life there exists a beauty that would otherwise go unseen, adventures that would otherwise go un-experienced, and lessons that would otherwise go unlearned.  

For now, I shall relish in the contentment that comes with allowing life to unfold on its own terms.  

Peace.  

 

Becoming a Dad.

In December, my dad was diagnosed with "Advanced Cirrhosis of the liver" and was initially given "weeks to months to live".  Since then, he has quit drinking, has started to take care of himself, and is making a miraculous rebound.  Unbelievable how a man can abuse his body for over 70 years, and in just a matter of a few weeks of good self care, can return to "normal" health.  Though he is pretty much Velcro-ed to the couch, depressed, very low energy, it is nice to see him sober.  The question begs to be answered of why he was unable to quit drinking when my mom was still alive and when there was a family to appreciate.  Especially since quitting drinking for him has been seemingly easy and problem free.

For the first time in, like, ever my dad is becoming....well, a dad.  He has struggled with alcoholism my whole life making booze far more of a priority than family life.  If I ever had a problem, it was Mom I would turn to (unless I had a car question of some kind, and even then, I often sought out other sources).  She may or may not relay whatever whoa I was having to my dad if and when he was sober, but seldom did I converse with my dad on an individual basis.

Just the other day, I was having a stressful, crabby kind of day.  Issues with a potential house I so desperately want to buy was clouding my mood.  My dad is providing me with a little bit of financial help, and on this day we were driving to the bank.  I was crabby.  My irritability did not go unnoticed by Dad, and I told him my troubles.  I told my Dad my troubles.  For the first time in my life.  He listened.  He sympathized.  He reassured.  He provided emotional support doing  everything a kind and patient parent would do.  And it felt good, nice, even natural.  Its so nice to have a sober Dad finally after all these years.  Just wish it could have happened so much sooner.

Perhaps he will live his last few yeas alcohol free as a way to show his true self to us kids.  And just maybe when his time is called to meet my mom up in Heaven, he will enter to live a sober eternity with the love of his life.  Finally giving my mom a life she deserved.

Family Dinner

July 24th would have been my parents' 49th wedding Anniversary.  My dad was having a hard time around this date (even though they never spent their Anniversarys together).  Still, it was another milestone.  Another first.  Another absence noticed.

So, we decided to have a family dinner out at a restaurant with the whole family, including significant others and Dorie.  Even when Mom was alive, we never all got together at a restaurant before.  She would have enjoyed that.  Days prior to the dinner, I was kind of dreading it knowing it would likely be just a drunken dinner filled with anger, sadness, and worry about how the drunks are going to get home safely.  Well, to my surprise, dinner was very pleasant.  Few memories were shared as well as some laughs.  It was nice.  Nicer still that Dad bought all of our meals.

There was one very noticeable empty chair.  Like for real.  There were 7 of us all together (Jim brought his girlfriend), and we were seated at a table for 8.  So there was a very prominent empty chair, and it was right next to me.  Right where Mom would have been sitting.  Or maybe she was sitting there.  Maybe the chair was empty as a reminder that even though she was not there physically with us, she was there in spirit.  At least that is what I would like to believe.

My New Hobby

Earlier this month, I bought myself a new "toy", and let me tell you, its been fun!

Its a reminder of what really matters.

A feeling of connectedness.

Peace.

Quarantined

Nearly 3 weeks ago, my mom came down with the Shingles.  For the first week, she was really really sick.  Like, almost hospitalized sick.  Naturally, I was at her house nearly every day helping take care of her, the dogs, and housework.  As a child, I never had the chicken pox, but I did have the vaccine when I became an adult so I didn't think I was in any jeopardy of acquiring the pox while I was being exposed to the Herpes-Zoster.

Wrong was I.  It took me almost 40 years, but I finally contracted a childhood disease.  I got myself The Pox.  As in Chicken Pox.

For the first three days, I was pretty sick with a high fever, chills, headache, aches, you name it.  I was sent home from work when red spots started to appear throughout my shift, and the doctor the next day confirmed what we suspected.  A prescription for fluids, rest, and a week (or more) off of work followed.

Now that all my spots have arrived I feel almost 100%, other than some itching (which hasn't been unbearable) and some unsightly blisters.  The worst part for me was being unable (for a few days) to go help my mom.  Since I am now feeling better, I can come to her rescue once again.  I am still contagious, but she can't get what I have, and I already got what she has (kind of).

Finally, I get to use up some of my 720 hours of sick time at work, and now that I am not that sick (just contagious), I am sort of on a vacation.  Well, minus going out in public.  Since I am more or less housebound, I browsed through some Netflix options.  I happened upon a documentary about a woman (in England I think) who died in her "flat".  Though I didn't watch it, I DID read the description and some of the reviews to find that this woman died and was left undiscovered for THREE YEARS.  I used to think that would be me.  That I would die alone in my house without people realizing I was gone.

I am now confident I will be discovered long before 3 years.  My friends have been amazing throughout my illness as well as my mom's illness.  Daily texts, calls, and offers to help from SO MANY concerned friends is really overwhelming.  One of my busiest friends took time out of her day to bring me an anti-itch care package which has been a Godsend.  Grocery store runs, offers to bring me to the doctor, offers to bring me ice cream, and wellness checks are daily occurrences.  Two unbelievably amazing friends have even offered to help my mom out when I couldn't!

With friends like mine, fears of being alone in my future have subsided.  My friends are beautiful beautiful people with unselfish, golden hearts.  Blessed!

The Energy of the Moon

Bundling up on a frigid Winter night to face the bitter cold is a fun challenge.  There is just something about putting on enough layers to feel toasty warm when the temperature says 2 degrees.  Sure, a person might feel a bit like Ralphie's brother, Randy, in the movie "A Christmas Story", but its like an act of defiance.

Mother Nature, or maybe Jack Frost, dares you to get out and experience the chilly air.  Add to that a full moon and cloudless night, and its an unavoidable temptation. 

A temptation I succumbed to tonight.  The moon was crazy gorgeous as it was rising so I put on my snow pants, my down jacket, hat, boots, mittens, and all the necessary winter gear and ventured out for a full moon experience.  Last year I wanted to experience every full moon of the winter, but succeeded in only enjoying about 3 full moon lit nights.

Off to Enger Tower I went, good buddy in tow.  Peering down over our beautiful city under a full moon was awesome.  The silvery moon shone down on the calm Lake, perfectly highlighting a single ship waiting to enter the Harbor.  Just below, the lights of Bentlyville (a Christmas light show spectacular) twinkled and blinked to unheard Christmas carols. 

Spooky shadows danced upon the frozen ground as we made our way back to the vehicle.  Though it was brisk, we took refuge beneath our furry hoods which served as a wind shield for our faces.  Yes, we beat the cold.  We won.  The cold did not prevent us from taking in the beautiful sights our city has to offer.  And, in fact, we stayed warm.

Each full moon brings about a new found energy.  Rumor has it nursing homes and.....mental health units....are a bit more unsettled during the full moon.  I certainly feel how this could be true since I become exhilarated from soaking up the energy of the moon. 

Like last year, I again intend to appreciate each full moon of the season.

My Momma and Me

Who would have thunk that such a tiny critter could cause such a huge scare for my family. 

This is the culprit

Not the penny.  The tick on the penny so shown to illustrate the size of the tiny creature who caused havoc on my momma. 

My mom got sick.  Real sick.  So sick she called me to bring her to the ER on Saturday.  After tests and more tests, they found "nothing" and sent her home with a "stomach ulcer" and prescriptions for Maalox and Prilosec. 

Whatever.

Three days, 2 CT Scans, 1 Ultrasound, 2 Chest X-rays, 1 EKG, 3 urine tests, and about 30 vials of blood later, we have our answer.  Erhiculosis.  A tick borne illness similar to Lyme's Disease treatable with antibiotics.  WHEW!

Though it isn't all hunky dory.  In addition to Erhiculosis, she has pneumonia complicated by Emphysema, and another bacterial infection called H. Pylori. Other possibilities thrown around are concerning words  like "diabetes" and "oxygen tank".  Though the last two are unlikely, it remains scary stuff, but overall that news is way better than what could have been. 

Yes, we thought she could be at death's door, and wow, did it age my ever youthful mom.  Weak from dehydration and not eating for 4 days can do that to a person, but to see it done to my mom is petrifying.  A glimpse into what the future could hold.  Giving my mom a shower in the hospital is not something I ever thought I would be doing.  Seeing her so weak and vulnerable saddened me.  She is still in the hospital, but hopeful to be home soon with added strength and usual humor.

My dad has more important things to do, like keep the bar stool warm, so I have been running two households:  my own, and my mom's.  Dogs, cats, and fish to be fed and exercised.  Never mind my dad; he can fend for himself.  Though in his attempts to be helpful, he did unload the dishwasher.  Too bad the dishes were dirty and needed to be returned to their original position in the dishwasher.  It was a good attempt I guess.

If all of this has taught me anything, it has taught me that I am capable of handling a crisis situation.  In fact, I do pretty darn good in the midst of a crisis, and take charge when other's won't.  Especially when it comes to my mom.

See, she is more than my mom.  She is, in every sense of the word, my Best Friend.

My mom and I at my Aunt's Hawaiian themed wedding.

At yet another wedding

Nature's Song

Music is not a part of my soul like it is with so many of my friends, and so much of the world.  I dig music, alright; I just don't need it.  More ingrained in my soul is the songs nature produces.

When I am out and about, I see so many people who are out in nature, but not really experiencing it.  Ear buds plug out the beautiful sounds of birds singing, leaves rustling, and water trickling.  When I am on the trails roller blading, skiing, walking, all without ear buds, I appreciate all the sounds nature has to offer. I listen and I hear.  A part of me feels sad for those unfortunate folks who could be hearing the most beautiful music ever.

Waking up in the early morning to the sounds of birds happily chirping away is my favorite alarm clock.  It brings an instant smile to my face no matter how early they awaken me. 

Even the quiet stillness winter brings is magical.  A blanket of freshly fallen snow produces a silent sound unlike any other.  The sound of peace. 

I breathe it all in and peace overcomes me as well.

Welcome to My Pathetic Life

I like my pathetic life.  I really do.  Its always been a rather dull existence, but I will take it over drama, drama, drama.  When things are calm, it means that everyone is well, people are happy, and life is good.  And my life is good.  Pathetic maybe, but good.  Even my teenage years were stable and consistent without the Jr. and Sr. High school shenanigans that plague so many teenagers. 

From my adolescence to my adulthood, here is a meager list to illustrate my pitiful life:

1. Most preteens and teens keep a diary of their own lives. They write about their daily experiences and thoughts about the world in which they live. While they were doing that, I was writing daily about the experiences of the residents of Salem. Days of Our Lives was a huge part of my teenage years and I kept a sorry diary about what happened between Steve and Kayla, Kim and Shane, Bo and Hope, and John and Marlena. I didn't even have enough going on in my own world to keep a sustainable diary so I wrote about the lives of others. And to make it even more pathetic, the people I was writing about were fictional.
2. When parents punish their kids, they will often "ground" them so they can't leave the house, hang with friends, do what teenagers do.  I was a homebody even when I was younger preferring the comfort of my own house to the big scary world at the mall.  Now, I never got into trouble much, but as a standing joke, my mom would try to ground me.  Only in reverse.  She would say, "You are grounded!  Go to the mall!"  What teen wouldn't love getting grounded to the mall?!?
3. My self esteem is largely based on being competitive and winning inconsequential games on Facebook.  In and of itself, that may not sound so despicable, but when we scored a PSII at work and acquired a Dance Dance Revolution game, my competitive nature came full out.  I had to go and buy myself a DDR so that I could practice at home in order to beat the teenagers at their game when they summoned me to dance with them thinking I would fail.  Well, I showed them!  I beat them almost every time.  Booyah!
4. I was never one for going to parties, and I still prefer a more mellow gathering than an all out gala.  Today my idea of "party" is having a friend or two over to watch Elf on an annual basis.  More commonly, a buddy and I try to get together weekly to have American Idol "parties" where we eat food, laugh, and watch those singers struggle to etch their way into our hearts the same way Adam Lambert did.
5. Sometimes after working the evening shift, a few coworkers and I will "go out".  For the  the younger crowd this means sprucing up in the bathroom to look their best for the bar scene.  For me, it means I am salivating at the thought of what I will order off the Perkins menu.  I'm a regular party animal when there is french toast involved.  Look out, world!
6. Most of my friends are married and dedicated to their spouses.  I am married and dedicated to my job.  Though I have got better at saying no guilt free, I still have a sense of loyalty which puts my job first on my priority list.  I'm working on it though, and my social life is starting to replace my job for that coveted number one position.
7. Finally, my reality show addiction is getting out of control.  First it was American Idol, then Dancing with the Stars, then Celebrity Apprentice.  The last of that deadly trio has me completely hooked this season, and I am already eagerly anticipating Sunday to see NeNe go off on Star Jones.  In addition to those, add in The Voice and X Factor and I won't be just pathetic.  I'll be Pathetic (with a capital P).
8. I know I sad "finally" on number 7, but I just couldn't end a list on an odd number.  Ironically that just rounds out the list nicely and gives more credence to the dismal life I lead. 

Like I said, my life may be undernourished with excitement, but it really isn't.  From Days of Our Lives to eating at Perkins, from American Idol parties to beating little kids at Dance Dance Revolution, each one of those experiences bring excitement and joy to my life.  Others may find it dull or boring, but for me its contentment.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Sicky Sickerton

Oi.  Still sickly, but on the mend.  I hope.  Waves of not feeling well still come and go, and I'm in a constant state of either being under water or floating.  Energy is slowly returning and my throat still looks like rancid meat with maggots embedded in it.  I attempted to take a picture of my throat, but it didn't really turn out and the only thing that really showed up was the hair in my nostrils from a wider angled view.  Needless to say, I deleted those photos. 

Anyhoo, my brain is basically mush from all the TV watching that has been occurring as a result of being couch ridden for almost 5 days in a row.  Still, I have learned a few tid bits from my journey in sickdom.  Here goes:

1).  Swallowing two tablespoons of liquid is about the grossest thing I have ever had to do.  Get your head out of the gutters, people, I'm talking about DayQuil!!  Apparently they have a capsule version of DayQuil, but I ignorantly bought the liquid form.  That shit does work, but its not fun going down.  I think I have a solid technique figured out:  Plug nose.  Take a sip of water (for a buffer).  Chug Gross Shit.  Chase with water. 

2).  Watching my temperature vary has been addictive.  When I felt my temperature rising, I used the thermometer every 15 minutes.  It was fun to watch  my temp go from 99.3 to 99.9 to 100.5 to 100.8.  When it got over the 100 degree mark is when my vocalizations increased.

3).  Speaking of vocalizing, my cats are quite tolerant.  Those poor creatures are still listening to me moan and whine most of the night.  Like I said before, my poor future nursing home roommate.  I'm quite annoying when I am sick.

4).  TV options on Saturday and Sunday is very limited even with Satellite TV.  There was nothing worthwhile on TV those two days which also happened to be my two sickest days.  Boring!

5).  I am never going to wish sickness upon myself again.  Instead, I will take "mental health" days throughout the year.  I say that now; let's see if I can follow through with that.

6).  Popsicle quality does make a difference.  I got myself some cheap ass generic Walgreens brand of Popsicles to help soothe my throat.  Though it was helpful at the time, those Popsicles are really gross!  Never again will I buy cheap ass Popsicles.

7).  Something is seriously wrong when I lose my appetite.  Not only did I lose my appetite, but I lost any and all desire for ice cream!  Gasp!  I had a few friends offer to get me some ice cream which did not sound good at all.  Yes, something was definitely wrong.

8).  Finally, Friends make it all better.  A lot of people say they have the best friends ever, but they are liars.  It is me who has the best friends ever.  Several people called me every day to see if there was anything I needed.  Some even called twice a day.  Everybody was very generous in offering to get me quality Popsicles, ice cream, medication, or food.  Most were patient with my incessant whining on the other end of the phone. 
And one was brave enough to make a face to face encounter to bring me some chicken dumpling soup.  Yes, It is me who has the best friends ever!

Now that I have been sick, I should be good for another 20 years or so.

Crazy Windy

Upon the advice of my friend, Beth, I ventured down to the Lake on this crazy windy day.  Spared by the threats of a major spring blizzard dumping 12-18 inches of snow on us, we lucked out with gusty 40-60 MPH winds.  I missed out on seeing the massive waves on our massive Lake yesterday because I was nervous to leave my house for fear the blizzard would magically dump all of the snow in just a matter of minutes.  This morning I awoke to find no more snow on the ground than when I went to bed (and the snow was not even measurable) and the winds were still whooping.  I didn't want another opportunity to pass me by to see the sights our Lake has to offer so I phoned up a friend and we braved the strong winds and cold air to see our Lake in motion.

We pulled up to the little beach I visited just weeks prior.  Immediately exiting the vehicle we felt the force of the wind.  "Its even a little scary", my friend uttered.  Scary but exiting and exhilarating to be out in such conditions.  We attempted to climb the tall ice mountains to get the full view of the Lake in all her glory.  We could hear the waves crashing against the ice-cliff fence, but we could not see over their height.  In our attempts to climb the mountainous creations, we grew a little hesitant.  Standing on icy footing, the force of the wind literally knocked us over on a few occasions.  Though it wasn't sunny, both of us wore our sunglasses to help protect our eyes from the ice and sand blowing at us.  Still, the icy spray pelted our faces with stinging sensations.  Our attempts were futile at best; we soon admitted defeat to the weather and retreated to our car.

Determined as we were to see the sights we so eagerly anticipated, we drove to a more accessible area.  We may have been chickens, but we were brave little chickens at least!  Walking up the path to the Lake, we were again met with the resistance of blowing ice, sand, and wind, but we had better footing which made us feel more secure.   So, we went to our Lakewalk where the wave action did not disappoint.  It was loud and crashy and amazing.  Though still pictures can't do the beauty and amazement of the real life picture justice, I am including a few below. 

An ice crusted bench from the spray Lake Sprays.

I Love Our Lake!

Ten Defining Moments

I have heard it said that each person's life is impacted in a big way with ten defining moments.  Those moments that are so huge they act as a reference point so you say, "before this" or "after that".  The moments are not always the same and they can change when other defining moments happen.  I have compiled a list of my top 10 defining life moments up until this very moment, and I have tried to put them in order.

1).  My first kiss.  I was quite young and very naive when I had my first kiss.  I still remember coming home and asking my mom if there was a way to know just by looking a person if they had been kissed.  She looked at me puzzled and questioned why I would ask.  Naturally I responded, "oh, no reason".  Think she knew I had my first kiss?

2).  Going to college.  I was the first in my family to go to college so it was a big deal.  Though I didn't stay in the dorms (and instead lived at home), college taught me independence and opened my mind to a whole new world.

3).  The birth of my nephews and nieces.  All of my nieces and nephews were born within a few short years of one another, and they all spent a lot of time with me when they were little.  Justin was the first one born and he changed my life in ways I never could have imagined.  I loved that little guy more than anything and spent a good portion of his first 8 years of life taking care of him.  After my nieces and nephews were born, the world was colorful and vibrant.

4).  My first job.  Working at Target prepped me for the real world.  It was there that I learned how to be social with strangers.  I learned about confidence, loyalty, and the accolades of doing a good job.  Looking back I now realize it was exactly what I needed to help prepare me for the job I have today.  You wouldn't think that Target would have prepared me for mental health, but it did!  I am a different person than I was before Target, and I am certainly a different person NOW than I was before mental Health. 

5).  Mom's cancer scare.  Some time ago, my mom had a literal pain in her back.  She was convinced it was cancer which in turn created some hard core anxiety.  She had tests upon tests to rule out cancer, which turned out to be one big waiting game.  Thankfully everything turned out great!  It was then that I really began to be thankful for each moment with my loved ones, and I have never taken any of that for granted.  I know how blessed I am to have a healthy family and I thank my lucky stars for it every day of my life.

6).  Moving into my apartment.  Even more than owing my own house, my apartment is a bigger defining moment.  Since I lived at home FOREVER, moving out was a big step.  My brothers say that is when the umbilical cord was cut :)  That is when life really began for me, though.  And I proved to myself and everyone that I can make it on my own.  Not only make it, but make it successfully.

7).  Sept. 11, 01.  The whole world changed this day.  It is the day I learned about pure evil.  More than that, I learned about the strength of the human spirit.  Probably, too, this was the first time I was outside of myself and came to fully understand the impact the entire world has on one little person.  And what an  impact it had.

8).  New Orleans.  The funnest time of my entire life.  Though it wasn't my first travel experience, it was when I first learned how much fun travel can be.  There, too, is where I learned the value of true friendship and the meaning of "I got your back".  My friends took great care of me while I was learning what real partying was all about!

9).  The death of my Aunt Bonnie.  A sudden senseless death that I still mourn today.  I miss her dearly and wish she could be around to see the changes taking place everyday.  I can't help but think about how much she would have loved facebook! 

10).  Menopause.  More than anything else, my life is defined as Before and After Menopause mostly because it happened at such a young age.  It changed my whole outlook on life.  Not for the better and not for the worse; it just changed it.  In some ways it liberated me, and in other ways, it has hindered me.  I do know that my entire life plans were altered the day I got that news.

I think I about covered it.  There are clearly other big moments, but I think these are the biggest defining ones for me at this stage of my life.  Some will remain on this list forever and others will drop off when newer, bigger moments happen.  I think my list is a good mixture of good and bad and that is how life should be. 

If I were to have only one word to describe my life, it would be "balance".  I strive to achieve that and feel most days I am pretty successful finding that delicate balance.  I am truly blessed.