How I Almost Died of Botchulism

Its no secret I hate going to the grocery store. Its also no secret that I rarely have food in the house and keep my fridge and cupboards rather bare. Case in point:

 
 Tonight I attempted to "make dinner".  By make dinner I mean, "open a can of soup".  I reach up into my nearly bare cupboard and pull out a can of ham and bean soup, proceed to open it, and pour it into the saucepan to heat it up (now you, too, know how to make soup).  Then a brilliant idea occurs to me:  I should open a second can of the same soup so that I have enough left over to take to work for lunches during the next few days.

Amazingly, I had a second can of the same soup.  Immediately I notice a slight difference.  The second can of soup was much lighter in color than the last soup I poured out and the chunks of mystery ham was much pinker than the first can's ham.  In fact, the first can's ham looked more like beef.  It was brown.  Hmmm.  Did I open a can of beef soup instead?  No, the label clearly says Ham and Bean.  By this time, I have already combined the two soups and began picking out the beef colored ham.

Then it dawned on me.  What was the expiration date of that first can of soup?  June of 2007!  Now people who know my eating habits, know I am particular about expiration dates.  I know the date my milk expires and it gets poured down the drain on the date that is printed on the carton itself.  Same with my eggs even though I know they last longer than the sell by date.  This wasn't just 3 days, though, this was almost 4  years old. 

More soup cans resided in my cupboard so I took a peak at their expiration dates only to find 2 more cans of soup with 2007 and 2008 expiration dates.  Not even good enough to give to the local food shelf. 

I'm thankful I decided to open that second can otherwise I may have eaten that first can of beef-looking-ham soup unknowing that little parasites would soon be growing in my belly.  And who knew a person could write a whole blog about soup?

Putting Round Things in Square Things Doesn't Always Work

Another kitchen failure for me.  I attempted to make an apple pie with some prepackaged pie crust that I took out of the freezer and some canned apple pie filling.  Oh yeah, I go all out in the kitchen I tell you.  Part of me just doesn't care and the other part of me wants to be a Domestic Kitchen Goddess where everything I touch turns into crack for the taste buds.

When making a pie, a pie plate is a necessity.  A necessity I do not own.  Instead, I used a square 9 inch brownie pan for the circular prepackaged pie crust.  It didn't fit perfectly, but it would do.  So I put the bottom round crust in the pan, poured all the contents out of the can, put the top crust on, stuck it in the oven, and hoped for the best.

Actually, it didn't turn out too horribly.  It kind of worked and instead of eating it in pie shaped pieces, I eat it in square cake like shapes.  How else ya gonna cut it?

Somehow, though, a square pie just does not taste the same even with massive Cool Whip globbed on top.

Elf-Stravaganza!

Tomorrow I am hosting my annual Elf night.  It is when the Christmas season officially begins.  Ever since seeing the movie Elf in the theater, my friends and I have watched it together every year.  The party keeps growing and it is possibly my most anticipated night of the year.  This year, I welcome a newcomer to Elf Night.  Hopefully she won't be scared off by my baking talents.

Rarely do I get the opportunity to bake or cook for more than just me.  Whenever opportunity knocks, I get a little bit excited....and a little bit nervous.  A lot of sugary goodness is on the menu for tomorrow night, and I started my prep work tonight.

Several months ago, I had a hankering for Angel Food Cake and picked up a cake mix only to come home to find I didn't have the appropriate pan but rather I had a bundt cake pan.  Years ago I did attempt to defy all odds and create the perfect Angel Food cake in a bundt cake pan which only resulted in an overflowing mess in my oven.  Lesson Learned.  So I shelved that box of recently purchased cake mix and waited until my Birthday wish for an Angel Food Cake pan was granted.

Since Strawberry Shortcake is on the menu for tomorrow, I thought it would be a perfect time to break in my new pan and make that cake.  All was going grand until it was time for the cake to come out of the oven.  I didn't have the recommended glass bottle in which to place the pan upside down upon so I used a long stemmed goblet.  All would have been fine had the balance not shifted resulting in the pan, and cake, fumbling to the floor.  Quickly I picked up the cake, rescuing it from doom.

Once it cooled, I removed the cake from the pan only to find a very lopsided delicacy.  

I should have my guests sign a waiver:
"Not responsible for choking on cat hair".


My friend said it perfectly when she said, "I'm pretty sure it will still taste delicious! Elf ate gum off of hand railings so a little cat hair Angel Food Cake will be just fine!" 

I'm glad she thinks so since I won't be making another one, and this one will be served along with some exploded mini molten lava cakes.

No special effects were involved in taking this photo.

These will also be served.  They taste delicious!  I should know, I had to eat the "mistakes" though you wouldn't know that only survivors are left.  They all look like mistakes to me.

I'm hoping that the attendees of my Elf party read this blog after Elf has been watched and the horrible food consumed.  One final photo illustrates the challenges of baking in a tiny kitchen with three nosy cats about.  And why I really hope you read this after our party.


I promise she did NOT lick the cake.  For real.