This is 50

 November of 2024, I turned that big number we all think is unattainable, or far too ancient,  when we are wee little ones.  But alas, the Big 5-0 has found me.  I made it I guess one could say.  Turning 50 had me reflecting on my life up until now, though now that I am in front of a computer, the words I once had in my head have since faded; trying to retrieve them is proving quite difficult.  Possibly a symptom of that age.

So what did turning a half century look like for me?  It's different for everyone of course.  For me, 50 came in quietly yet profoundly.  For starters, I worked on my actual Birthday.  Work that day just happened to be a day that I co-facilitate a grief support group.  One of the ladies in group caught wind of my milestone Birthday and made it special by bringing in some brownies complete with candles and whipped cream.  

On the home front, my lovely lady ensured that I felt loved and special.  She encouraged a Birthday Bash, but that just isn't my cup of tea, so we celebrated more quietly.  

 

This photo shows sticky notes that have 50 accomplishments I have achieved written on them.   Amy hid all 50 of these throughout the house for me to find as I go about my day-to-day business at home.  Three are have yet to be found still  two months later. 

Then, because we both like to stay home, we did a YouTube painting experience.  

Mine is on the right, hers is on the left.  Bob Ross makes it looks to easy, but working with acrylic paints is not such an easy task.  This was more about the process and the experience of creating rather than the finished result.  A beautiful reminder for year 50 and beyond.  It's all about the journey, not necessarily the destination.  And my partner on this journey with me is the best one a human could find.  

Also on my half a century milestone, I bought myself a brand-new car!  Never have I ever been able to do that before and my 50th year was as good a time as any.  My car is still being built and I should have it in about a month or so, but this stock picture is what my car should look like.  I splurged and got a lot of bells and whistles like a heated steering wheel and heated seats simply because I could.  You could say that my dad actually bought this car for me since I am using his money posthumously for this purpose.   

Fifty also got me out on ice skates.  

I do have osteoporosis so doing things that could easily lead to fractures are a little  unnerving.  Luckily I had the assist of a folding chair to help keep my balance while I skated around, though I did take one unassisted lap around our frozen lake.   I've been on skates before, but not for many many many years, and possibly not for many many more years.  My itch has been scratched. 

Fifty also ushered in a new era for me which is the era of being an orphan.  My dad died just two months prior to my Birthday, and of course my mom has been gone for just over 11 years now.  Being an orphan is a mixed bag of emotions.  On one hand, its really freeing not to have to worry about my aging parents for I know how that story ends.  It has ended.  On the other hand, it is a bit lonely not having my two pillars of strength to lean on when I may need it.  Even in my dad's weakened state, he provided me a lot of strength during some of my toughest moments.  There is no love like the love of parents which is truly unconditional and ever present.  

Working in hospice, and watching my family drop off one by one sure has me thinking about my own life history, my future, and my end of life.  As my lady, Amy, reminded me with those sticky notes, I have accomplished a lot in my lifetime: things like being a good human, being respectful to my fellow man, striving to be the best daughter, sister, niece, aunt, fur mom, friend, and partner that I can possibly be, among so much more.   None of that is perfect nor will it ever be.  

Entering the next 50 years of my life, I want to continue caring for myself in ways that fill up my spirit so that I can continue to care for those around me, for that is what truly gives me purpose.  Even at 50, I still have teenage-like mental health breakdowns that cause me, and those around me, great discomfort.  This is unnecessary.  The intensity can be remedied by basic self care on a consistent basis, and it is up to only me to ensure the quality of my next 50(?) years is what I want it to be.  

Hard time are unavoidable and naturally a part of living.  But overall, up to this point, my life has been beautiful, comfortable, and filled with so many simple moments of joy.   I have always lived a simple life, and a simple life I hope to always live.  

Cheers to the next 50 years!

 

Bookend Year

 Year 2023 was, what I am calling, a "bookend year".  In January of 2023, I got myself a new job.  It was a huge leap for me, and a leap I wasn't sure I wanted to take.  Now having been in my job for a little over a year, I can surely state that I have no regrets in leaving my old job.  My new job, working in hospice, has been wonderful.  Sure, I still get anxious.  Sure, I sometimes feel as though I am inadequate on what I do (after all I am still learning the job).  And, sure, sometimes I hate having to go to work.  However, my new job allows me to work at home most days, and the people I am providing support for seem to really appreciate even a 5 minute check in.  Learning something new and challenging myself outside of my comfort zone is proving to build parts of my self esteem that had been lost...or maybe forgotten.  My work environment is filled with positvity, love, and genuine concerns for the well-being of our clients as well as for each other.  My old job had that, too, but in hospice it feels a little less toxic, and a lot more patient centered.  The folks who work there seem to operate on a spiritual level that is above my own, which helps to elevate me as well.  Some days I feel that more than others. 

Then, in December of 2023, we got ourselves a PUPPY!  

Something that also brought with it some trepidation:  We've done this before and had a horrible experience from start to finish, Will the puppy bond with me?  Can I even take care of a helpless creature when I struggle to properly care for myself all the time?  A puppy is a lot of responsibility that affects spontaneity and freedom.  The dirt!  The smell!  The potty training!  All that and so much more.

However, getting Meeka happens to be just about the best thing that has happened to me since falling in love with my best friend 10 years ago.  She brings joy to me on a daily basis, is my co worker on days I work from home, my motivation to get out for walks, and a tremendous emotional support.  She keeps me out of the world of my head and into the world of the living. 

Though I have had to make a few personal adjustments.  For example, she won't let me wear headbands or hair ties as she removes them from my head just about as fast as I put them on.  She has left me about an inch of a king sized bed to sleep on, and I am forced to share just about all of my food that I eat.  Oh, and the cat box has to be kept extra extra clean because she reaaaalllllly likes cat turds.  But somehow, even her naughty behavior is cute and charming (except the cat turd thing....that is just awful).  

So, yeah, the year 2023 started out with a positive change and ended with a positive change.   And as I am sitting here writing this blog during my work day, with my dog sleeping in a sun spot, and my lady love downstairs, my heart is filled with gratitude.  

Supporting Actress

 I just got done reading "Helen Keller" (and watching all three different movie variations).  The relationship between Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan really resonated with me, even leading me to sentimental tears on a few occasions.  I've watched Helen Keller a few times in the past, and have always been in awe of Helen.  This time through, I became in awe of Annie Sullivan.  She is, after all, the Miracle Worker.  A silent, steadfast teacher who, essentially, gave up her own life so that Helen could have one.  Helen gets all the limelight and fanfare, but it is because of Annie that Helen was able to succeed.

Some other supporting ladies I have related to is Olivia de Havilland's Melanie from Gone With the Wind, and Barbara Hershey's character (Hillary) from Beaches.   I greatly admire Scarlet O'hara's guts, sass, tenacity, and remarkable talent.  However, I relate more to Melanie: loyal, determined, moral, and full of love.  Scarlet is loud, glitzy, the star of the show.  Melanie is....forgettable.

In Beaches, CeCe (played by Bette Midler) is again, the star of the show.  Its been a looooong time since I have seen this movie, but the character of Hillary has always stuck with me.  It is because of Hillary that CeCe was able to be who she was; a successful entertainer.   CeCe is memorable and talented while Hillary is forgettable and supportive.  (In fact, I had to look up the name of Barbara Hershey's character's name while I fully remembered CeCe.)    

Annie, Melanie, and Hillary.  Three supporting actresses who have made a mark on my heart, and I think I discovered why.  I, too, am a supporting lady.  Like the above supporting ladies, I am silently supporting those around me in ways that may go unnoticed.  From my friends to family members to people at my job.  Many of the kids I work with do not remember my name.  However, I choose to believe they remember some of the things I have said or done while they have been in my care.  Many little seeds of hope and healing have been planted by this supporting actress in the 23 years working with suicidal children.

I enjoy my supporting role, and in fact, have come to embrace it.  Its in my soul.  I believe it is a part of my purpose on this Earth.  What a beautiful, fulfilling, and honorable role to have.  I'm grateful it is mine.  

Tonya Harding Day

 Years ago, my lady and I created our very own holiday.  It happened after seeing the movie "I Tonya" and learning about the spirit of Tonya Harding.  She is who she is.  Feisty.  Unapologetic. Unstoppable (albeit a bit questionable).  A fighter with a winning spirit.  So we took those qualities and made our own holiday that became a day for us to be unapologetic, indulgent, and hilarious.  In years past, we picked an "enemy" to pour all of our negative energy into.  Last year, that enemy was woodticks (some past honorable mentions belong to a jacket from work, geese, and who knows what else).

This year, we celebrated a little differently.  It has been a difficult year emotionally for both of us.  Motivation to celebrate anything has been challenging, and I am not even certain we celebrated Tonya Harding Day last year.  The year before we had planned to take the DTA city bus, but covid happened and public outings were banned.  

So this year on Feb 6th, Tonya Harding Day proper, we decided to finally take the bus downtown and just have an adventure.  See what we see.  Just let the day unfold as it shall and experience the day for what it is.

We were pleasantly surprised.  

I didn't know what to expect on the bus, but figured that I would see some shady characters on the bus and perhaps feel a little uncomfortable not having been on local public transportation since high school, which is far too many years ago to even count.

Some differences I noticed was that there was a bin in the front of the bus designated for groceries so that people could place their grocery bags in a secure bin rather than on the dirty floor.  Another was the difference in the request for the bus to stop.  In years past, it was just an annoying "DING".  Now, it was a very quiet ding followed by the robotic voice pronouncing "Stop requested".  

The passengers were surprisingly thankful.  Nearly every single person who departed the bus via the back door, thanked the bus driver at the front of the bus for the ride.  It brought tears to my eyes to see the humanity, the gratitude, and the kindness.  If the passenger did not say thank you, the bus driver saluted "have a nice day" as the passengers departed.  Heartwarming!  This happened on both the initial trip as well as the return trip which led me to assume this was a common occurrence on the bus.  Local culture on public transportation.  

Examples of the generosity of the human spirit were ever present.  One guy boarded the bus unable to pay.  The bus driver gave him a free ride.  A rough looking young couple in the front of the bus gladly moved to the back to free up closer seats when cane using passengers boarded.  A little dog toting lady in a wheelchair also boarded.  The driver took a few minutes to help secure her safely in her spot only to have to patiently unbuckle her just two blocks later.  

Yes, it was a lovely holiday.  The actual bus ride was the highlight, but we also enjoyed a delicious lunch (with a gift card), and a stroll through part of our skyway system.  

It did not escape us that we were using the bus voluntarily as a form of entertainment.  Something different.  New.  Most, if not all, people on the bus were riding it because they had to.  Though we had blast, we were very glad to not have to rely on public transportation on a daily basis.  It took one hour.....each way....to travel what would take about 20 minutes in our vehicle.  It was loud, dirty, cold, long, tiring.  But what we will remember is the heartwarming experience.

Both of us enjoy being at home and venturing with strange people can be anxiety inducing.  But once you leave the house, it isn't as scary as the imagination makes it out to be.  In fact, people are good and goodness exists all around, especially if your eyes are open to it.  Tonya Harding Day 2022 was an eye opening reminder of the goodness of people.   This year, a symbol of hope and light and love.  

Thanks, Tonya! 

Tiny Monster

 April of 2020 was a definite start of a very strange and scary adventure of sorts.  It started with a weird rash that landed me at the doctor's office with a diagnosis of "chiggers".   Chiggers are not known in these parts so it was a bit bizarre to hear.  That followed with a very strange list of symptoms.

• Severe bloat (I looked like I was 7 months pregnant...I'm not even exaggerating)
• Indigestion...belchy
• severe gag reflex, which was sometimes exercise induced, but was triggered by anything being near my mouth, or even the thought of it being near my mouth.
• Anorexia (see above)
• Nausea with sometimes productive vomit
• intense heart palpitations that you could see through my clothing, and that I could feel throughout my entire body.  
• Intense anxiety unlike what I have ever experienced before.  
• Jittery, shakey, tingles in my hands
• short of breath that led me unable to walk even down to the mailbox.  Sometimes I struggled to even walk to the bathroom.  
• Hard to stand for long periods of time
• Extreme fatigue that even prevented me from brushing my teeth.  I had to lean on the counter to prop my arm up enough to be able to brush my teeth.
• very dizzy
• noise sensitivity
• light headedness
• an extreme headache that later lessened to just a dull headache
• thirst
• extreme coldness that I sought out the bathtub several times a day to remedy
• extreme sweats mostly at night
• a "loud" brain..."brain on fire".   Paranoia
• Stomach discomfort, gassy
• exercise intolerance
• all the color in my face drained away and I became grey 
• thinning hair
• brain fog

 This list is not comprehensive.  It is easy to write, but it was very difficult to experience.  Despite having all these symptoms, I did not really believe I was sick.  Amy kept telling me I was sick, and I just dismissed it all as being anxiety.  Finally, after noticing the lack of normal stamina I had at work, I decided I needed to visit the doctor.   He was certain I had a tick borne illness, but even then, I tried to convince my doctor that "I was just anxious".   He ordered some blood tests (among several other tests: heart echo, CT, MRI, etc), and lo and behold, I had Lyme disease.  Tears of happiness and hope fell with the  relief to have a diagnosis that was "easily" treatable with antibiotics.  

What I didn't know at the time was that I was about to embark upon a foreign journey of illness for a year and a half.  Just now am I starting to feel more like my before Lyme self.  Before I venture into my personal experience with Lyme, let me just take a moment to share what I came to learn about the disease itself.  

Lyme disease is spread by a teeny tiny deer tick.  The size of the head of a needle.  The bacteria from deer tick gets into the bloodstream, but because it is a spirochete, it burrows into the muscles, fibers, and cells of the body.  It is a relative of Syphilis, but Lyme is 3 times smarter than Syphilis.  Often Lyme is called the "great imitator" because it takes on the symptoms of basically any illness.  At one point, I was being checked out for ovarian cancer, and then later for MS.  Because Lyme burrows in so deep, it can lay dormant until a moment of stress happens, then BAM! it shows up again.  

The craziest thing I came to learn is that Lyme disease itself is not recognized by main stream medicine.  Main Stream believes that Lyme can be treated and cured with a few weeks worth of antibiotics.  What main stream does not believe, is that it stays in the system to make reappearances possibly forever.  Since the CDC does not recognize it, to be treated for it requires a specialist that is not covered by insurances.  I found a specialist who practices about an hour from me so I drove to her to get the help I so desperately needed.  Seven months of crazy high doses of antibiotics (3200 mg daily) later, and I am hopeful for health once again.  At one point, I was taking over 20 pills a day!  Oh, and I was drinking volcanic ash to help detox.  

I am going to try my best to capture my experience with this disease.  All of those physical symptoms of this disease is nothing compared to the mental torture I experienced.  I had two main bouts of Lyme disease.  The first one, I was more physically ill.  The headache I had was unlike anything I have experienced before or since.  The pain was excruciating requiring me to use two ice packs, one on the back of my head, one of the front.  I literally could feel the bacteria climbing the back of my neck into my brain.  My first bout last almost two months.  Three weeks of antibiotics later, I thought I was done with Lyme.  

But I never felt completely better.  My mental health suffered greatly.   My relationship was affected immensely.  Stress was at at all time high, and like I said, stress brings about a lyme flare up.   Just before Christmas I had my second bout of Lyme.  This time, it was more mentally debilitating.  Best I can describe it is "I have rabies".  My brain felt like what I would imagine a rabid dog to experience.  Noise was very irritating, uncomfortable, and made me edgy.  The disease settled in my nervous system.  Infected my entire body, including my brain.  My brain!  Essentially I had a nervous breakdown.  

Anxiety was ever present and thoughts were uncontrollable.  I became paranoid.  My thoughts were so uncharacteristic of myself that I questioned if I had to be locked up somewhere.  I struggled to know what was real, still not completely accepting I was as sick as I was.  It felt as though I had a completely foreign being overtaking my body, and I guess I kind of did!  Several times, I felt as though who I was as a person was stuck somewhere deep inside the center of my stomach, and a dark force was acting on my behalf.  There were times where I was uncontrollably sobbing on the living room floor.  During these times, I felt like my soul was not present.  Unreachable.  I was trapped inside.  

I sought out the help of the lyme specialist and got on another round of high dose antibiotics.  There was an internal war going on in my body.  Bacteria vs antibiotics.  Both wanting to win desperately.  Taking antibiotics for Lyme is like detoxing.  One becomes sicker before they get better because the antibiotics are pulling the bacteria out from hiding in order to attack it.  Another month and half of physical illness left me disheartened and hopeless for a healthy future.  

Depression set it.  Unable to use my main coping skill of exercise, depression and anxiety were overtaking me.  Fast.  I lost any motivation I had left.  Panic attacks were present.  I felt disconnected from myself.  Disconnected from life.  Disconnected from everything.  "Lets get a dog!" I thought.  And we did.  Only that was not the brightest decision.  More stress.  More heartache when we ultimately decided to remedy that decision by rehoming the pup we fell in love with (see prior post).  

Fast forward to today.  One and a half years after my original lyme diagnosis, seven months of antibiotic use later, one trial of an antidepressant later, I am finally coming back from the depths of darkness.  Self care, proper nutrition, and stress reduction are key to continue to battle any bacteria that may still be present.  I'm hopeful that my lengthy and aggressive antibiotic treatment was enough to eradicate any and all of the illness.  Time will tell.  

I struggled to capture just how invasive this disease was for me, but I wanted to write this post so I can throw out my lyme disease folder of notes.  Here is to leaving illness behind while moving forward in wellness!  

Jovie

 Ever since I saw the movie Elf, I have always said that if I ever had a baby girl, I would name her Jovie after Buddy the Elf's girlfriend.  Well, I can't have kids so a puppy was a pretty decent consolation prize.  Naturally we named her Jovie.  

An adorable, cute, precocious, and smart little girl from Texas.  The story about how we got her is a little comical now that it is all said and done, but experiencing it was a little anxiety inducing.  I was in the midst of a Lyme flare-up and we thought this little Punkin would help me get through some of my toughest days.  We got her in the middle of a frigid Northland double-digit below zero cold snap.  At midnight.  In a dark parking lot on the side of the road.  From a  transport van.  Since we had not seen her in person, we had a lot of trepidation on what would be handed to us, especially since the first dog off the van was a three legged german shepherd.  Perhaps that was an omen.

Jovie was handed to me wrapped in a blanket of piss pads since her kennel mate had shit all over the kennel leaving Jovie covered in poop.  But she was perfect and I fell in love almost instantly.  I had my baby girl named Jovie.  

The first few days were challenging, as it is with any new baby.  I loved it.  Waking up in the wee hours of the night to bring a tiny puppy outside in the coldest of colds filled my heart.  Like no joke.  I embraced it, cherished it, and felt like I had a real baby for a while.  Though caring for Jovie was filling my heart, it was affecting my health.  My sleep was impacted, my mental health was impacted, and Jovie seemed to be growing right before our very eyes.  

Everyday we would wake up, and Jovie was bigger, taller, smarter.   We were very up front and adamant that we were interested in a small to medium size dog....20-30 lbs max.  Well, by 2 months old, Jovie was closer to 40 lbs than she was to 30.  At 2 months old, we were struggling to take her for walks for her sheer size and power.  

In addition to her size, she just really wanted to be with other dogs; she loved other dogs so much!  For a brief while, we considered getting a second dog just to make this first one happy, but we really did not want a second dog.  In fact, we were having doubts about this one.  Jovie's eyes just did not seem happy.  I would look into her eyes and see that she wanted more activity and stimulation.  Poor Jovie ended up with two old ladies looking for a lap dog, and she was an active spirit.  She was super smart and would have made a perfect police dog as she just cherished the times when we would do obedience training with her. 

Oh, and did I mention she bit me?  She was a mouthy, nippy puppy and seemed to have an underlying aggressive streak.  We became fearful to discipline her as she would challenge us.   Once we got her DNA results of half pit bull followed second by German Shepherd, our fears multiplied.  All those Judge Judy court cases about pit bulls did not sit well with either one of us, and we realized that having this dog was a huge liability.  Dreams of walking her off leash were crushed.  Dreams of having my baby girl were also diminishing as we were questioning if we could safely keep her, control her, and she just didn't seem happy.

After much heartache we ultimately decided that Jovie was not the best match for us.  Deciding to rehome Jovie was a very difficult and emotional decision, but was ultimately the right one.  She is now in the most perfect home for her with a canine sibling, horses, and a very active young couple.  

We get updates on her frequently and I even got to meet up with them.  Seeing her again after several months put a bit of closure on the whole ordeal for me, and left me with no regrets.  She is living her best life, is very loved, and seems happy.

So many lessons to be had from this brief encounter with a spunky pup.  First, I have always judged people who have rehomed their pets.  I thought it was deplorable to do so, but now I see that there are circumstances that make rehoming necessary.  Who am I to judge someone else's circumstances?  I had to work through a lot of guilt and shame over making the decision to rehome Jovie, but it is a decision I have no doubt in my head was the right one to make.  Second, Jovie reminded me that animals, and people, have an innate way of being that is something that cannot be trained out of them.  I wear a scar on my chin and a scar on my wrist from Jovie as a daily reminder of this lesson. And Third, in the future if a pup is to come into our home, we will meet her first.  Get a feel for the personality.  Make the connection with the eyes.  Feel the energy.  

 I am very grateful for the time we had with Jovie, though, I am happy to not have the responsibility of having a dog.  Still, my need for a baby is still strong so we are in the market for another snowshoe siamese kitten.  Perhaps a dog will be in our future yet, but that journey will be handled with a little more wisdom.

Spring Has Sprung

Spring has sprung once again here in the Northland.  Its supposed to be a time of excitement and renewed energy.  Days are longer, warmer, and happier.  Nature is lighter, brighter, and full of movement.

I'm not sure what the heck happens to me during this time of year, but when the world is coming alive, I start freaking out.  Spring is a time of great anxiety for me.  Perhaps its change.  Change and I do not get along, and my brain tends to think the worst is about to happen with any change that presents itself.

For me, Spring equals IMPENDING DOOM.  Its an increase of expectations to be a part of the world.  Gone is the comfort of being wrapped up in electric blankets.  Gone is the excuse to remain inside hunkered down "because its too cold out" (even though I spend a lot of time outside in the winter).  For me, there is a bit of comfort in having the sun go down at 5:00 in the evening and having a blanket of snow covering the ground.  We had a late season snowstorm just a week ago, and man, I felt a peace come over me.  It felt relaxed and right.

When I hear people talk about the joy and excitement that Spring and Summer bring to them, it makes me question what the heck is wrong with me.  Though there are many many aspects of the warmer seasons that I look forward to, anxiety overshadows it all with a black cloud of fear.  Fear of what I do not know exactly.  I feel almost.......lonely?

As a way to combat all of this anxiety, below is a list of activities that I am looking forward to participate in during the next few months.
Reading in the sunshine
Biking
Kayaking
yard work
bonfires
picking up garbage on the side of the road (a favorite pastime of mine)
beach days
swimming
walks by the river
hikes
sleeping with the windows open (even though I do this year round)
grilling out
mowing the lawn
Camping

Yes, there is much to look forward to.  Only the thing is, I am not looking forward to ANY of that.

I AM

So, I have heard it said that if you tell yourself something enough times, you will come to believe it.  My mind has been filled with some negative self talk lately, and I am trying to retrain my brain into believing positive affirmations.  Several times a day I go through the alphabet and tell myself one positive trait that starts with each letter of the alphabet.  The following are traits that I want to acquire and nurture within myself.
I AM
Accepting
Beautiful
Confident (some days this is calm)
Devoted (or determined)
Encouraging (some days this is energized)
Flexible
Gracious
Honest (some days this is happy)
Independent
Joyful
Kind
Loving
Motivated
Nice
Open Minded
Peaceful
Quiet
Relaxed
Strong
TRUSTING (the one I need to work on the most)
Understanding
Vulnerable
Welcoming
Xciting
Youthful
Zany

My hope is, is that if I say this to myself often enough, I will come to BE all of these traits.  Some take a bit more effort than others, but each are ones I want to nurture.

I AM.

Soundtrack of Life

I was just thinking of some of those songs that hold some meaning in my life.  Those songs that immediately illicit a strong memory or emotion or that just seem to speak to me in some meaningful way.  Below is the list of songs that I would put on my soundtrack to my life.  I'm trying not to judge my soundtrack because most of the songs are just fanciful songs with not a really deep meaning, but just a reminder of a time or place.

The soundtrack of My Life:

Nobody by Sylvia.  Its a country song one hit wonder.  But it is the probably the biggest song that represents my childhood.  It brings me back to my Aunt Bonnie, innocence, and fun.

Islands in the Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.  Another Country song that represents more of my childhood, fun sing offs with my Mom.  Fun memories.

Straight Up by Paula Abdul (and the whole Forever Your Girl album).  I'm entering my teenage years now.  Figuring out what I like.  Straying from the country music I was raised on.  Learning my own likes and dislikes.

Centerfold by The J. Geils Band.  Brothers.  This song reminds me of my teenage brothers and carries with it a fun memory when they put the RECORD in my room as a way to tease me because I didn't want it.  I put it back in their room.  The returned it to my room.  With a heavy sigh I threw it back into their room.  It was an endless battle of who would end up in possession of that record.  Not sure whatever the outcome was.

La Isla Bonita by Madonna (and the whole True Blue Album).  This song reminds me of my childhood best friend, Mindy.  Hours of listening to this album and singing this, our favorite song.

Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin.  Actually this period in my life could have its whole own soundtrack.  This song is the umbrella over it all.  It represents the time in my life when I witnessed the abuse of my friends and neighbors for years.  All of the songs listed below,  I listened to with the mom, Patty, but Cats in The Cradle brings me back immediately.  It later had significance when my brother lost his girlfriend to drugs and this song was meaningful to him as well.
          *I am a rock by Simon and Garfunkle
          *Minnesota by Northern Light
          *Hooray For Hazel by Tommy Roe
          *Feet Up Pat Him on the Po-Po by Guy Mitchell
          *Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

I will Wait by Mumford and Sons.  This song was on the radio throughout my mom's illness.  Was the first song I heard in the car on the way to the hospital the day she died, and was the first song on the radio leaving the hospital after she died.  I took it as a message that she will wait for me in heaven.

Sissy's song by Alan Jackson.  The song we played at my Mom's funeral.

Say Something by A Great Big World.  I turned the radio off for months after my mom died. This is the song that did it to me.

Timshel by Mumford and Sons.  This song brought music back into my life.  It was a very healing song for me.  I listened to it on repeat for weeks.  It helped me see that I "am not alone" and reinforced that I have the greatest friends surrounding and supporting me.

Brave by Sara Bareilles.  Whenever this song comes on the radio, I like to think my mom is telling me she wants to See me "Be Brave".  I'm trying.

Try By Pink.  On those days that I want to just stay in bed, this song reminds me that "you gotta get up and try".

Your Song by Elton John.  A very meaningful song to me.  My friend "serenades" me with this song on some of our drives.  I now think of this as "My Song".  In some of the darkest points, this song helps remind me that we have purpose and can impact those around us.  Truly a song with a deeper meaning than I can't accurately put down in words on this blog.

So, as of now, this is the soundtrack of my life.  Hoping the next album is full of songs of hope, happiness and love.

My New Mantra

Ever since I saw this, I have been consciously saying this to myself nearly every day.  Not sure who wrote it (but I do know it was from someone who had gastric bypass surgery) and it isn't grammatically perfect, but the message is clear.

 

I CAN DO HARD THINGS

YOU CAN do hard things.I know, you're saying, "What's your point?"Sometimes, when faced with a challenge-- especially if you're a recovering addict as so many of us are, when you approach something difficult, your inner voice says, "Holy crap-- I can't DO that"...and you do an about-face-- you reach for the drug (or Ring Ding) of choice. To feel uncomfortable… and not to comfort yourself, is a hard thing but you can do hard things.

 

When it's late and you're tired, and you know you are supposed to walk, you said you would, and it's looking like it might rain-- it's hard as hell to lace those sneakers up and get out there—
but you can do hard things.Protein shakes can taste yucky. It's hard to remember all those calcium supplements. It's hard to get 64 oz of water in. It's hard to plan meals, buy expensive and healthy choices, stay out of the cake in the lounge at work-- but you can do hard things.

 

You don't have to self-medicate. You don't have to eat those chips. You don't have to duck and avoid every unpleasant, difficult challenge in your path. Sometimes, the best bet is to admit their existence..."Yes, hard things, I see you trying to get in my way, but you know what? I CAN DO HARD THINGS!"

 

Sometimes this means having to survive a host of feelings you never felt before because you never let yourself feel them before-- stress, confusion, anger, rage. You can't numb them out or sand off their edges-- you have to stand right in your space and let them have a go at you-- and grit your teeth, and say to yourself, "Go ahead, get in my way. I'll get through this. I can do hard things."And you will find that you will survive them. And as you survive them, you will face new ones, standing a little taller, because in time you will eventually understand and rely on the fact that you can do hard things. And eventually the "pass me some Ben and Jerry's--my boss is a jackass" response gives way to something new-- something that sounds more like this:"Go ahead, Boss, bring it on. I'll have that on your desk by five.""No thanks, Nancy, it's gorgeous but I really can't have an eclair right now.""I guess I could just park back there and walk.""It's only 8 ounces and I don't have to love the stuff, I'll just drink it quickly.""If I spend ten minutes planning now, I won't be faced with tough choices later."

 

Post RNY living is no joke. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's not all "Whee, I'm a size 6!" Not everyone takes it as badly as I did, but there were days I *literally* cried because a kid at a store could have a cookie and I couldn't. I felt sorry for myself and holed up in my jammies, burning candles, and chatting here to avoid my fridge.When I started, I could literally not walk further than my car, which is about 100 feet from my door. I bargained with myself that getting down to maybe 250 pounds would be JUST FINE, I didn't need more than that because the thought to ask more from myself was ridiculous, impossible-- who the hell loses 220 pounds? That's not even humanly possible, seriously!And I found out the answer to who does that : it's ME. *I* can lose 220 pounds-- I know it because I *did* it . I can get in my supplements. I can learn to accept my new, imperfect body. And with planning and management, I can make a post op life that still provides pleasure, joy and fulfillment.And I don't do those things because they are easy-- I do them because they're hard, but I *can*. I can do hard things.And so can you. And you will. So the next time it's all too much (and it is for me too, although less often as I grow), look your RNY challenge-- whatever it is--- boldly in the face and say, "I can do this. I can do hard things."Then pull out all the stops and grab the brass ring-- it's there for the taking!"

 

Whatever your challenge is,  YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.  And so can I!

Thank you, Mr. Stranger

Dragging myself out of bed to head to work each day has been a bit of struggle for me recently.  Thoughts of calling in sick, or just giving up completely and going on welfare, are at the forefront of my mind. 

Not really.

However, we have all had those days where heading into work has been more painful than having your eyeballs poked out with a fork.  On those such days I am ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS reminded of a random fellow whose path crossed mine more than ten years ago. 

A stranger.

Someone whose name I know not.  Someone whose face I know not.  If our paths have crossed since that initial meeting, I am not aware of it.  This stranger with whom I had only one encounter has literally changed my way of thinking.  Forever.  Our conversation resonates in my mind more than any other conversation I have had with anyone, ever.  Lately, I am reminded of this on an almost daily basis.

It happened when I worked as a cashier at Target some 15 or so years ago.  I was grumpy having to be at work instead of enjoying the rare, most perfect Duluth summer day.  Beautiful.  Warm.  Sunny. 

As a cashier, we were encouraged to "schmooze" with our "guests" and they sometimes schmoozed with us.   Usually this small talk revolved around the weather since Duluthians find the weather one of the most interesting of topics.   A gentleman entered my line and bought some small item.  I greeted him in the usual manner.  He mentioned what a nice day it was outside.  This comment was difficult to hear when I would have rather been outside enjoying it than working inside at a cash register.  Our conversation went something like this:

Me:  Hello.

He:  Hi.  What a nice day we are having outside today!

Me:  Yeah, I wish I was out enjoying it rather than working today.

He:  I was just thinking I wish I had a job to go to today.

With that, he just walked away.  His head hanging just a little lower than when he first entered my line.  I watched him walk away, and was forever changed by one simple sentence.

That moment and those words impacted me in ways that he will never know.  I think of him often and wonder what his circumstances were, what he is doing now, and if he enjoys going to his job each day if he has one.

Whenever I get grumpy about having to go to work, I immediately think of him and grow a little more thankful that I GET to go to work. 

More than that, though, I am reminded how our words and actions, even in our simple, everyday interactions can have an impact on one another.  For better and for worse.  How many people are out there thinking about a conversation that I had with them?  Have I changed their lives like this stranger changed mine? 

Thank you, Mr. Stranger, for continual reminders to be thankful for what I have, and for illustrating so perfectly how powerful words can be.

A Rehash

As we embark on the year 2012, I thought I'd revisit the the same questions I answered last year as a way to reflect on this past year.  So Here Goes...

What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?  
It may seem quite small to most, but in 2011, I tried new food.  Mock Duck, Tofu, and Sushi all passed by these lips, over my tongue, and down my throat only to land into my tummy, and well, I think you know the rest.  Tofu and Mock Duck were alright, but the Sushi nearly gagged me.

Did You keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't usually make New Years Resolutions, and I didn't exactly make a resolution last New Year either; however, I DID resolve to make healthier changes, which I accomplished!  Since June of 2011, I embarked on a healthy quest, and as a result, have lost 20 pounds.  I'm very proud of that, and plan to continue on that journey into 2012.

Did anyone close to you die?
Though he wasn't "close" to me, per se, my Uncle Jack did pass away early in 2011.  He lived his life in a group home as a result of a tragic car accident that left him brain damaged at the age of 15.  At his memorial service, it was clear how many lives Jack touched.  One group home staff in particular shared how Jack was instrumental in changing his personal life.  From Jack, he learned about having a positive attitude, humor, and appreciating a simple cup of coffee.  I'm certain Jack is surrounded by coffee, pancakes and beautiful girls wherever he may be.

Also passing away was my dear friend's mom, Paulette.  Paulette was my buddy at all of the Birthday celebrations that my friend Olivia hosted.  Since I don't have kids, I was always kind of at a loss to socialize with all the other mothers, so I hung around Paulette who was so good at making me feel welcomed and important.

What countries did you visit?
I'm not much of a world traveler, but I did venture out to Michigan this year in search of pod-like hot springs.  Though the pods weren't what we expected, the trip itself exceeded our expectations.  The Porcupine Mountains, the cute town of Houghton, and the best trip buddy a person could ask for made for one swell vacation.  Perhaps a trip to the Southwest in 2012 is on our agenda?

What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Patience and Tolerance. 

What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
The day I was with my friend when she was diagnosed with colon cancer.  Since that is her story, I won't go into details, but when she was diagnosed, it was almost as though I was diagnosed along with her. 

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Changing my hair style.  After having the exact same hair for decades, I updated my tresses.  Though it isn't a drastic change, its just more modern.  Not sure that an updated hairdo qualifies as an achievement, but it is actually something I have wanted to do for many years so I will count it.

Another big achievement was my healthy lifestyle change and 20 pound weight loss.  No small feat let me tell ya!

What was your biggest failure?
Not stepping up to the plate more.  There were times I could have done more to help out all those who were struggling with their own trials, and I instead avoided a phone call or a request to babysit.  To quote Oprah, "When you know better, you do better".  Now I know better.

Did you suffer illness or injury? 
I did not, but seems like 2011 was the year of sickness.  So many friends and coworkers were sick this past year.  Not just flu sick, but like really sick.  Then, of course, there was my mom's illness which was a very scary time.  Thankfully all of those we were sick are on the road to a much healthier 2012!

What was the best thing you bought?
An IPhone!!  Finally I ventured into the Technology Age and got myself an IPhone.  The funny story is that I bought myself an IPhone as a gift to a friend.  (I would have got the phone anyway, but it made for a fun Christmas gift!)  That and new underwear ;)

Whose behavior merited celebration?
So many people.....let's see.  A friend and coworker who took in 2 young children to her already large family, a friend who maintained a positive attitude and a sense of humor while undergoing chemotherapy, and a another friend who was the epitome of strength for her family when her mom lost her battle with cancer. 

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I guess that has to be my niece.  Though she is attempting to make a better life for herself, her behavior this past year really was appalling.  Drugs, sex, DUI's, unemployed, and unschooled.  With the right opportunity, I am hopeful all (or most) of that will change in the upcoming year.

Where did most of your money go?
I shared a lot of money this year.  And Saved the rest.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My trip to Michigan.  Beyond that I AM really really really excited about seeing those I love healthy next year!

What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I would have helped my friend more when she was struggling to find a balance between caring for her ill mom and her two young children.  Though I did help out, I just wish I had done more.

Did you fall in love in 2010?
 Naw. Love is overrated.

What did you want and get?
IPhone!

What did you want and not get?
To win the lottery, but I guess you gotta play in order to win, huh?

Learning to Trust

Until recently, I never understood it when I heard people say, "God spoke to me" or "God told me.....".  On an emotional night a few weeks ago, I turned to my journal as a means to sort out my emotions and thoughts on the world.  This particular night, I was journaling and praying.  I'm not a super religious person, but I do consider myself quite spiritual.  I have had one way conversations with God, and I do pray and count my blessings most every night.

After I was done journaling on this evening, I revisited some old journal entries which sometimes brings about a greater understanding of what I am experiencing at the moment.  I came across an entry from February of 2010.  I was reflecting on the past year (2009) and I wrote:

"2009 was the year I learned to trust.....Trust in life, trust in God."

Upon reading this, I immediately felt a sense of peace that what I was fretting over was going to be OK.  With this new found sense of contentment, I wiped away my tears, smiled, and surrendered to sleep.

It was a pretty profound moment which resurfaced with me today.  And then I understood.  God spoke to me.  For the first time, He spoke to me.  Or rather, for the first time, I heard Him.  He spoke to me, through my own words, and reminded me again to Trust. 

Trust.

Such a big word and an even bigger concept.

But a concept I think I understand.

Ten Defining Moments

I have heard it said that each person's life is impacted in a big way with ten defining moments.  Those moments that are so huge they act as a reference point so you say, "before this" or "after that".  The moments are not always the same and they can change when other defining moments happen.  I have compiled a list of my top 10 defining life moments up until this very moment, and I have tried to put them in order.

1).  My first kiss.  I was quite young and very naive when I had my first kiss.  I still remember coming home and asking my mom if there was a way to know just by looking a person if they had been kissed.  She looked at me puzzled and questioned why I would ask.  Naturally I responded, "oh, no reason".  Think she knew I had my first kiss?

2).  Going to college.  I was the first in my family to go to college so it was a big deal.  Though I didn't stay in the dorms (and instead lived at home), college taught me independence and opened my mind to a whole new world.

3).  The birth of my nephews and nieces.  All of my nieces and nephews were born within a few short years of one another, and they all spent a lot of time with me when they were little.  Justin was the first one born and he changed my life in ways I never could have imagined.  I loved that little guy more than anything and spent a good portion of his first 8 years of life taking care of him.  After my nieces and nephews were born, the world was colorful and vibrant.

4).  My first job.  Working at Target prepped me for the real world.  It was there that I learned how to be social with strangers.  I learned about confidence, loyalty, and the accolades of doing a good job.  Looking back I now realize it was exactly what I needed to help prepare me for the job I have today.  You wouldn't think that Target would have prepared me for mental health, but it did!  I am a different person than I was before Target, and I am certainly a different person NOW than I was before mental Health. 

5).  Mom's cancer scare.  Some time ago, my mom had a literal pain in her back.  She was convinced it was cancer which in turn created some hard core anxiety.  She had tests upon tests to rule out cancer, which turned out to be one big waiting game.  Thankfully everything turned out great!  It was then that I really began to be thankful for each moment with my loved ones, and I have never taken any of that for granted.  I know how blessed I am to have a healthy family and I thank my lucky stars for it every day of my life.

6).  Moving into my apartment.  Even more than owing my own house, my apartment is a bigger defining moment.  Since I lived at home FOREVER, moving out was a big step.  My brothers say that is when the umbilical cord was cut :)  That is when life really began for me, though.  And I proved to myself and everyone that I can make it on my own.  Not only make it, but make it successfully.

7).  Sept. 11, 01.  The whole world changed this day.  It is the day I learned about pure evil.  More than that, I learned about the strength of the human spirit.  Probably, too, this was the first time I was outside of myself and came to fully understand the impact the entire world has on one little person.  And what an  impact it had.

8).  New Orleans.  The funnest time of my entire life.  Though it wasn't my first travel experience, it was when I first learned how much fun travel can be.  There, too, is where I learned the value of true friendship and the meaning of "I got your back".  My friends took great care of me while I was learning what real partying was all about!

9).  The death of my Aunt Bonnie.  A sudden senseless death that I still mourn today.  I miss her dearly and wish she could be around to see the changes taking place everyday.  I can't help but think about how much she would have loved facebook! 

10).  Menopause.  More than anything else, my life is defined as Before and After Menopause mostly because it happened at such a young age.  It changed my whole outlook on life.  Not for the better and not for the worse; it just changed it.  In some ways it liberated me, and in other ways, it has hindered me.  I do know that my entire life plans were altered the day I got that news.

I think I about covered it.  There are clearly other big moments, but I think these are the biggest defining ones for me at this stage of my life.  Some will remain on this list forever and others will drop off when newer, bigger moments happen.  I think my list is a good mixture of good and bad and that is how life should be. 

If I were to have only one word to describe my life, it would be "balance".  I strive to achieve that and feel most days I am pretty successful finding that delicate balance.  I am truly blessed.

Happy Birthday

Today is the one year anniversary of the birth of my blog!  Not only that, but I also achieved my centennial post on my first blog Birthday.  I tried so hard to achieve that, and sorry for the super cheesy posts, but I had a goal in mind.  When I get my mind set on something, there is no stopping me. 

Anyway, When I first took the Maiden Voyage (exactly one year ago...to the minute) of writing my very first blog entry, I did not have high hopes that I would keep up with it like I have.  What on Earth do I have to write about?  As it turns out, I have life to write about, and what a good, fulfilling life it is!

This adventure has been fun!  I'll admit that there are times when I wonder, for days or even weeks, what in the world I am going to write about next.  Before too long, though, the next blog entry hits me.  It may not be full of wisdom, or funny kid stories, or advice for those looking (or not looking) for it, but its mine.  All mine.  Through my entries, I have found within myself a bit of humor, a bit of insight, and a world of appreciation. 

It is fun to look back on some of my older entries and think, "oh yeah, that happened", or "wow, that was some really good writing", or just reflect on some emotion I was trying to elicit.  Its also fun to take a peak at my stats, and see literally where in the world my blog has been. 

I keep it private from most of my friends and definitely from my family, but once in a while I have an urge to share.  If I did open it up to a larger audience, I'm afraid it will lose some of what it has.  Like I would have to censor somehow.  So, it remains largely anonymous.  That being said, my blogger dream is to have some random person, a stranger from a strange land, comment on one of my entries.  Better yet, for one to follow me!  Maybe in year number two.  And perhaps, I will get a little braver and share with those closer to me in its second year of life.

Happy Birthday, Blog, Happy Birthday!  And Happy 100th Post!

Not too late

So, I stole these questions off my friend Beth's blog after she stole them off her friend's blog (who likely stole them from somewhere herself).  Its supposed to be a reflection of the past year.  The past year being 2010.  Well I can still do that in March, dontcha think?  Sure.  Plus I am trying desperately to get to 100 blog entries by my first Blogaversary so that my 100th Blog will also be on the one year anniversary of its birth.  So, this may be a filler entry, but hey, my life is only so interesting.  Here goes.

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? I went to the Wrenshall Corn Maze with my friend and her two kids.  It was way more fun that I anticipated.  I wasn't even freaked out that the Children of the Corn would slaughter me.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions.  One that I actually kept a few years ago was to Floss my teeth.  What a great resolution.  I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions and believe that if you want to make a change, you should start now and not wait for a "magical date".  However, tell that to me next time I say, "Starting Monday, I will work out more" or "Come the first of the month, I am not going to eat ice cream anymore".  Yeah, never happens. 

Did anyone close to you die? My beloved cat, Punkin who had been my friend for 18 years passed away in September.  Also, my friend, Sue passed as well.  I blogged about her here.  Unfortunately we never did walk together again.

What countries did you visit? USA, baby.  But I did have a fantastic trip to Las Vegas.  It ranks second only to New Orleans as my favorite away from home vacations.

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Self Control.  Always.  Turning down delicious snacks is always the most difficult obstacle.

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  You would think it would be the day Punky died, but I tend to forget death dates unless I write them on my calendar (which I do).  So I guess it will have to Christmas Day for this reason.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? Biggest achievement?  Hmmmmm.  Maybe not killing someone I'd like to murder.  Not really.  Its a joke people!  A joke! 

What was your biggest failure? Losing so many Word Twist games with Amy.  Yup, that's it.

Did you suffer illness or injury?  Nope.  Despite my attempts to get sick so that I can legitimately call in sick to work in order to burn up my maxed out sick time.  I guess maybe my New Year's Resolution could be to call in sick more this year!  Hell ya!

What was the best thing you bought? New carpeting.  Love it!

Whose behaviour merited celebration? My Aunt Dorie's who quit smoking.  My mom followed suit 5 months later, but since she quit smoking in 2011, it has to be my Aunt's for 2010

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? My brother's.  Back into a downward spiral with drugs and casinos.

Where did most of your money go? Uncle Sam.  Or so it feels that way sometimes.  I guess it would have to be SAVINGS!  Thank God it wasn't the casinos!

What did you get really, really, really excited about? My trip to Las Vegas followed up with another 2 week stay at home vacation.  Pure bliss. 

What song will always remind you of 2010? I have a hard time associating songs to years.  So, none?

What do you wish you'd done more of? Rollerblading.  Seriously, I only went 3 times last summer!

Did you fall in love in 2010? Naw.  Love is overrated.

What did you want and get? Probably carpeting.  Or time off for my Las Vegas trip.  Or both!

What did you want and not get?  Nothing.  I seem to always get what I want :)  True facts.

So that is it.  One more step to blog number 100.  Happy (rest of) 2011 Everyone!

Dreaming my Dreams with You.

I dream frequently, and I almost always remember them.  Not for a while have I had a recurring dream, but lately, I have had the recurring theme of basements finding their way into my slumber.

Because it is so present in my dreams lately, I have been doing some searching into what the basement symbolizes.  Come to find out, it symbolizes your inner core, your foundation, your subconscious.  Its often associated with negative thoughts or feelings about yourself, bottled up feelings , resentment, or sensitivity.  Though those descriptions do fit from time to time, I am not convinced that the basement represents that for me.  

All of the dreams in my "research" features the dark and dingy basement, but my dream basements are often pleasing with flowers and bright lighting.  They are always very large with maze like turns and corners.  They seem to go on for an eternity.  A surprise is always waiting, and usually the surprise is a pleasant one.  The surprise it holds could be a room that I rediscovered as being my favorite to having an endless supply of toothpaste (hey, I have no control over it; it is a dream, after all).  

 Last night I had yet another basement dream, though the basement this time was an unpleasant one, complete with mice and leaking water.  What does it all mean?  Last night's dream could be explained by some of those negative emotions mentioned above, but what about my other dreams?

 Am I that complex at my core?  I'm a pretty simple girl and have always had a good sense of who I am and what I believe.  I am a little preoccupied with finding the hidden meaning of these ever present basements.  I'm convinced, though, that whatever it is, is positive.  Not only positive, but also profound.  I just have to figure it out. 

If you have a suggestion, leave me a comment :)

Autumn Day

On this blustery Autumn day, I am reminded of another Autumn Day that pops up in my mind from time to time.  Last night I had a dream about that specific Autumn Day and I thought I'd take a moment and reflect on a day I will never forget.

Smaller details are blurred, but the biggest details remain.  I believe I was in high school at the time.  On this particular day I was shopping for some unknown reason at the Mariner Mall in Superior.  Like any girl with a small bladder, I used the restroom, did my business, and went on my merry way eventually returning  home.

Later that evening, there was a breaking news story about a little baby who was found in the Mariner Mall in the Women's Bathroom.  Apparently the mother of this baby just abandoned her in the bathroom.  Luckily, someone found this baby and hopefully she got the care and love every baby deserves.

What strikes me about this story is that my whole life, I have always wanted to be a rescuer.  To find and rescue an unloved puppy or kitty brings such a sense of fulfillment and makes the heart grow.  Ever since I was a young girl, I loved babies and children.  As much as I wanted to find that box of thrown away puppies on the highway, I also fantasized about finding an unwanted baby.  A baby I could keep for myself to raise, cherish, and love.  Never mind all the legal mumbo jumbo. 

In my false memory, I believe I even recall the sound of a crying baby.  Certainly something gave me a feeling of uncertainty that I could not quite put my finger on until I heard the news story.  That day I was hours, perhaps even minutes away from finding that unwanted baby in the bathroom.  To this day, I wonder what her life is like.  Where she is.  How she is.  How old she is now.  What it would have been like to raise her.  Dream about her.

Since she was found on a Fall afternoon, the "authorities" named her Autumn Day.  Somewhere out there, I have a baby girl.  And her name is Autumn Day.

Birthday Blahs

Every year I Hate it more and more. And I just don't hate it, I Hate it. With a Capital H. Hate. Its still a bit more than a month away, but I am already dreading my Birthday.

I am trying to remember when it all started, when this sour taste entered my mouth when I uttered the words "my Birthday". I can't quite put my finger on it, but am thinking it was probably when I turned 26.

Age 25 is the final exciting Birthday. Its the Birthday when, in my opinion (and the opinion of a Bingo fanatic coworker), a person reaches full adulthood. Coincidentally, it is also the Birthday that your car insurance decreases provided you don't have preexisting DUIs, speeding tickets and the like. So after 25, there is nothing more to look forward to. What good comes from the other "milestone" Birthdays other than to say you have been alive that long?

This year, like most people on their Birthday, I will be turning another year older. No Milestone to reach, no excitement, just....older.

For me, my Birthday not only signifies me getting older, but it is also a reminder that those around me are also aging. And that scares the hell out of me which is why I hate my Birthday. Each year I try to remind myself to be thankful that I am fortunate enough to actually experience another Birthday, and I do. I really do. But in the back of my head, a voice lingers. A voice of impending doom.

Most people who have children, look to the future and see mostly happy occasions and good times. They can imagine their child's graduation, marriage, grand babies, you name it. Not that children are the be-all-and-end-all of happiness (In fact, I don't think they are at all), but when I look to my future, I see mostly hardship. Death is part of life, and it is going to be a large part of my future. Only I won't have the positive, exciting experiences to offset those hard times.

After turning 26, I came up with a grand plan. When I reached the magical age of 29, I would start aging backwards...sort of like Benjamin Button. In a weird twist of fate, I would not be able to age below 25. For eternity I will be between the ages of 25-29. Too bad the whole world can't age that same way.

So next month, by my magical calculations, I will be turning 28. The only flaw in this whole scheme is that I will never look good for my age.

Friends of all Ages

Growing up, I have always had many friends who were in a variety of age groups. When I was in Jr. high school, you could easily find me playing with kids who were still in elementary school or chilling with the high school gang. On top of the kids roughly my own age, I also had friends who were adults. It may sound weird, but true. An average day consisted of me playing dollies with the neighbor girls in the morning, having afternoon tea with the elderly lady down the street, and finishing up providing "adult" conversation for the single mother a little further down the street.

I was the neighborhood social butterfly and reaped my rewards by getting complimentary wheelbarrow rides from anybody willing to give them. When my mom's friends called to speak with her, and I happened to answer the phone, it was not uncommon for them to spend 10 minutes or so talking to me first. They weren't fake phone conversations like those moms who put their children on the phone to talk to the caller on the other end; they were true phone conversations because they were interested in hearing what I had to say.

Happily, it remains that way today. One of my dearest buddies is in her 20's and another best bud in her 40's. I have travelled to Florida with a lady old enough to be my mom, and I used to take nightly walks with one of my mom's closest friends, Sue. Just Sue and me.

Life has several different social stages. First, there is the Birthday scene when you are a child. Going to all your friends Birthday parties and having some of your own. Then come the graduation parties followed by college benders. Soon the mailbox becomes full with invitations for bridal showers and wedding announcements. (If you're lucky, you don't get asked to be a bridesmaid.) Baby showers and birth announcements make their appearance next. Celebrations continue with Anniversary parties and Retirement galas. Lastly, you enter that stage where you are sadly attending the Funerals.

With having a gamut of friends in all age groups, I belong to all of those different stages. Currently, I find myself attending fewer and fewer weddings, but more and more baby showers. And, yes, my funeral attending stage is approaching all too quickly. Just last year I lost my tea drinking partner. I still think of her each time I mow the lawn...long story.

Which brings me to the news I heard today. Sue, my aforementioned 63 year old walking buddy has suffered a stroke. This news, is of course, devastating and scary. Just a few days ago, I saw her. A seemingly healthy woman who was full of life. Smiling, happy, and vibrant. Ironically, she quit smoking 4 months ago, began to eat healthy and restarted her walking regime. Proof, my mom says, why she is never going to quit smoking herself. Whatever.

Naturally, my mind is preoccupied with healing thoughts for Sue and once again I am reminded of my own good fortune for the good health of my parents. Something I never take for granted.

I cannot wait to walk once again with Sue once she recovers. How is that for positive thinking?