September 4th, 2024 I said goodbye to my Dad, my Superman. About a month ago, he got the news that he had two malignant tumors on his pancreas. Apparently, having two tumors on the pancreas is quite rare. When my brother asked the Dr. if Dad would be around five years from now, the Dr. emphatically stated, "No". Though we knew our time with Dad was limited, we were not quite prepared for how quickly things escalated.
For the first few weeks after diagnosis, you would not have even known he was sick. He did not complain of any pain, which came as a surprise to even his oncologist. So when my dad started mentioning he was not feeling too well just two days prior to death, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.
I stopped in to see him on Tuesday the 3rd and he was in a bit of pain. He looked like death. So, I started to get the ball rolling to sign him up for hospice. I initially just asked the nurse practitioner on my team where I work in hospice how the referral to hospice works. She was amazing! She initiated the referral, contacted his primary care physician, and was able to get my dad some pain meds. This allowed my dad to have one last night at home before I brought him to the Emergency Room the following morning.
Wednesday I woke up and called my dad and he said he was not feeling well. I asked if he wanted to go tot he ER and he left that up to me. Well, I zoomed up to his house to bring him in. When I got in the house, my dad was smoking his cigarette and seemed a bit confused, at one point yelling out for Bill who was not at home. I helped him to my car, but this was no easy feat.
He used his walker to exit the house, but once on the deck, he stated he needed to sit down. I encouraged him to keep going because we were half way there. In desperation, I started to wave my arms for the guy across the street to come offer assistance, but he did not see me. So Dad mustered up some strength and took a few more steps, but that is all he could do. I helped him gently down to the deck floor so he could sit on the steps while I searched for help from the neighbor. Well, he couldn't sit and instead had his head on the step while his body laid on the ground. I ran inside to grab a pillow for his head before running to the group home next door to ask for help. A guy about my size answered the door and came to our assistance. The vision of my dad lying on the ground, with his dentures loose in his mouth will be forever etched in my brain. We got dad in the car and away we went to the ER.
On the way there, he smelled so bad that I was gagging in the car, but trying not to let him notice. He was moaning and uncomfortable, though able to talk in short sentences as he was short of breath as well. I presented my dad to the ER with a full catheter bag, a foul smell, one sock on, slippers on the wrong feet and dentures with cavities. Though nobody seemed to notice, I certainly felt like a neglectful daughter. But, this was an emergency afterall, and people don't always have time to shower before an emergency.
The ER took tons of tests. During this time, the nurse asked me if we wanted CPR should we need it. Dad was alert and everything so I asked him. He stated he did want it. So, I asked him again if that is indeed what he wanted and kind of explained as best I could. He again stated he wanted what I wanted. Well, I didn't WANT that, but it is what I thought was in his best interest so I shook my head no to the nurse and stood behind my dad so that he did not see me crying.
At this time, the doctor came in and said there was a lot wrong with my dad. He seemed to have an infection somewhere, his blood sugars were 699, he was throwing up blood, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. So they started him on antibiotics and insulin. This seemed to be of benefit to him as he seemed less confused, and more awake. He was able to talk more easily and seemed in decent enough comfort.
Then the other doctor came in and basically said, that meds he was currently on would not offer any benefit long term. She explained what was happening to his body and all of his organs were shutting down. He was dying. So, we decided to do palliative care and discontinue the meds, and he would be admitted to the oncology floor.
Once we were alone in the room, I was able to tell my dad thank you for being such a good dad, especially these past few years. I cried with him then. Told him I loved him and just sat with him. I tried to approach his dying with curiosity and interest. I asked him what he was experiencing, but he could not quite verbalize what he was experiencing. He seemed to be hallucinating at times, and mentioned seeing people when I could not.
Once Dad got admitted to the oncology floor, all the brothers and Dorie came down to visit. None of us realized that this would be the last visit we would have. I was in contact back and forth with Hospice, and the plan was for my dad to return home in the morning so that he could die at home. I am not sure my family understood this part of the plan; that discharging home meant that he was discharging home to DIE. I wish I could have explained that part to them in that moment, but it all turned out for the best anyway.
Since Bill stated he would stay and watch the Twins with him, I decided to leave. Before I did, I explained to Dad that he would come home in the morning. I gave him a kiss on his very cold lips and went home.
Around 7:00 PM, something told me to call the hospital to check to see how my dad was doing. The nurse advised me that Bill left some time ago, and my dad was now alone. He was telling the nurse things like "I am dying and my family doesn't care", and seemed anxious. Of course, I beelined to the hospital with a plan to sleep overnight.
Upon arriving into the room, my dad was restless, not exactly in this world, and not quite out of it yet either. I believe he knew I was there. He looked me straight in the eyes and I told him I would remain with him. I held his hand for a while. He was very fidgety with his hands. His TV was on loud, so I turned that off, and put on some calming Palliative care music I found on my phone. This seemed to help relax him a bit.
He mentioned he needed to do something with his hands so I gave him a reusable plastic bag that seemed to provide some relief for the restlessness he was experiencing. He kept putting it to his mouth, and I can't help but wonder if this was a cigarette fit. Dad kept trying to get out of the hospital bed and at one point, hit his head on the side of the bed as he was struggling to sit up. Had he been at home, he would have definitely been able to get up off the couch and would have fallen for sure. I was thankful to have the hospital bed in the hospital with nurses around who could help me if I needed.
I asked the nurse for more medication. She was able to give all of his meds at one time, which I was happy about. He had difficulty swallowing (he was not hooked up to any machines of any kind), but was able to get those last three pills in. This was a blessing. He was able to be very comfortable, not restless, and was calm. During this time, I told him to say hi to mom.
I started to lay down to rest and had this urge to just say "I love you, Dad" over and over. I said it three times and was crying. Minutes after, the nurse came in, looked at Dad, and pulled out her stethoscope. Indeed, his heart had stopped. She had to get a second nurse to verify the death and it was confirmed.
Unconventionally, I proclaimed, "I'm so happy!" I wasn't happy he was dead, but I was happy he did not have to suffer for days...and selfishly I was happy I could go home and sleep in my own bed.
Before leaving, I cheekily stated, "call me if anything should change".
And that was that. My Superman was gone.
I am at peace with his death and his passing, though there inevitably remains the "what ifs". Rationally I know that his death happened in the best way possible for him and for the family.
Though he is gone in the flesh, he will forever be My Superman!
