In December, my dad was diagnosed with "Advanced Cirrhosis of the liver" and was initially given "weeks to months to live". Since then, he has quit drinking, has started to take care of himself, and is making a miraculous rebound. Unbelievable how a man can abuse his body for over 70 years, and in just a matter of a few weeks of good self care, can return to "normal" health. Though he is pretty much Velcro-ed to the couch, depressed, very low energy, it is nice to see him sober. The question begs to be answered of why he was unable to quit drinking when my mom was still alive and when there was a family to appreciate. Especially since quitting drinking for him has been seemingly easy and problem free.
For the first time in, like, ever my dad is becoming....well, a dad. He has struggled with alcoholism my whole life making booze far more of a priority than family life. If I ever had a problem, it was Mom I would turn to (unless I had a car question of some kind, and even then, I often sought out other sources). She may or may not relay whatever whoa I was having to my dad if and when he was sober, but seldom did I converse with my dad on an individual basis.
Just the other day, I was having a stressful, crabby kind of day. Issues with a potential house I so desperately want to buy was clouding my mood. My dad is providing me with a little bit of financial help, and on this day we were driving to the bank. I was crabby. My irritability did not go unnoticed by Dad, and I told him my troubles. I told my Dad my troubles. For the first time in my life. He listened. He sympathized. He reassured. He provided emotional support doing everything a kind and patient parent would do. And it felt good, nice, even natural. Its so nice to have a sober Dad finally after all these years. Just wish it could have happened so much sooner.
Perhaps he will live his last few yeas alcohol free as a way to show his true self to us kids. And just maybe when his time is called to meet my mom up in Heaven, he will enter to live a sober eternity with the love of his life. Finally giving my mom a life she deserved.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Introducing Brutus
Oh, its been quite the while since I last blogged; and wow, things have changed so much! For someone whose life has been stagnant, predictable, maybe even boring, I am amazed at the direction my life has taken. Its taken a direction I NEVER thought it would go. And with that cliff hanger, I am not going to address all those changes with this post.
Instead I am going to introduce you to Brutus.
Brutus is a very large, looming, black cloud of anxiety that surrounds me. Brutus has always been a presence in my life, but he has made himself so much more present particularly after my mom died. April of 2014, Brutus almost won. Panic attacks, insomnia, constant fear, shakiness, and tears. Oh the tears. It was a scary time that prompted me to go to the doctor and give consideration to.....dun dun dun....medication. Something that I so did not want to do.
Even though I work in Mental Health, have seen the benefits of anti anxiety and anti depressant medications (as well as the harm), it is not something I wanted for me. But I got the medicine filled and sat it in my cupboard as a way to de-sensitize myself to maybe taking them one day. I never did.
Instead, I began to practice mindfulness. That coupled with some great "friend-therapy" sessions and support, helped ease my anxiety somewhat. It eased it enough to begin to function again. Tears lessened. Impending doom lessened. But Brutus still remained.
And he remains still. Some days, Brutus is so over powering that he hijacks my thoughts. Though I KNOW the thoughts are so irrational, the thoughts still come. Mindfulness tells you to recognize those thoughts, and then let them go. Brutus holds on with a death grip. He doesn't just hold on to one negative thought, he holds on to several. All negative, most are fear based, and many are self loathing. Some days Brutus is able to convince me that I am worthless, that I can't do my job well, that I am a burden to those who know me. He tells me that there is nothing but negativity ahead in my life. All the "what ifs" come to play with the outcome never pleasing.
When Brutus takes full control, I get "stuck" so much so that I can't even talk about why I am anxious. Brutus tells me "It doesn't matter why you feel like this because you don't matter". Brutus tells me that I am "stupid" and "crazy" for feeling this way. And I really hate feeling that way and begin to think that maybe Brutus is right. When Brutus is here, it is exhausting to say the least. Its tiring to constantly battle Brutus; a CONSTANT rational vs irrational internal fight that can be triggered by one word in one sentence that Brutus holds onto.
Brutus has made himself a little more scarce these past few days, and it is so nice without him! My mind is more at peace. Freer. Brutus continues to whisper negative thoughts, but they are more manageable and less tiresome. I'm not entirely sure what happened, and maybe I am just in a better head space that is not allowing Brutus to be overpowering, but I will take it.
Right now, I am able to push Brutus down when he tries to creep up. The "What-ifs" are met with "What will be, will be" or "we will deal with that when/if it happens". And I remember to TRUST. Trust that where I am is where I am supposed to be. Remember my blessings (and they are so plentiful). Remember to choose love over fear (something I struggle oh so hard to do).
So for now, I will continue breathing and continue trusting.
Instead I am going to introduce you to Brutus.
Brutus is a very large, looming, black cloud of anxiety that surrounds me. Brutus has always been a presence in my life, but he has made himself so much more present particularly after my mom died. April of 2014, Brutus almost won. Panic attacks, insomnia, constant fear, shakiness, and tears. Oh the tears. It was a scary time that prompted me to go to the doctor and give consideration to.....dun dun dun....medication. Something that I so did not want to do.
Even though I work in Mental Health, have seen the benefits of anti anxiety and anti depressant medications (as well as the harm), it is not something I wanted for me. But I got the medicine filled and sat it in my cupboard as a way to de-sensitize myself to maybe taking them one day. I never did.
Instead, I began to practice mindfulness. That coupled with some great "friend-therapy" sessions and support, helped ease my anxiety somewhat. It eased it enough to begin to function again. Tears lessened. Impending doom lessened. But Brutus still remained.
And he remains still. Some days, Brutus is so over powering that he hijacks my thoughts. Though I KNOW the thoughts are so irrational, the thoughts still come. Mindfulness tells you to recognize those thoughts, and then let them go. Brutus holds on with a death grip. He doesn't just hold on to one negative thought, he holds on to several. All negative, most are fear based, and many are self loathing. Some days Brutus is able to convince me that I am worthless, that I can't do my job well, that I am a burden to those who know me. He tells me that there is nothing but negativity ahead in my life. All the "what ifs" come to play with the outcome never pleasing.
When Brutus takes full control, I get "stuck" so much so that I can't even talk about why I am anxious. Brutus tells me "It doesn't matter why you feel like this because you don't matter". Brutus tells me that I am "stupid" and "crazy" for feeling this way. And I really hate feeling that way and begin to think that maybe Brutus is right. When Brutus is here, it is exhausting to say the least. Its tiring to constantly battle Brutus; a CONSTANT rational vs irrational internal fight that can be triggered by one word in one sentence that Brutus holds onto.
Brutus has made himself a little more scarce these past few days, and it is so nice without him! My mind is more at peace. Freer. Brutus continues to whisper negative thoughts, but they are more manageable and less tiresome. I'm not entirely sure what happened, and maybe I am just in a better head space that is not allowing Brutus to be overpowering, but I will take it.
Right now, I am able to push Brutus down when he tries to creep up. The "What-ifs" are met with "What will be, will be" or "we will deal with that when/if it happens". And I remember to TRUST. Trust that where I am is where I am supposed to be. Remember my blessings (and they are so plentiful). Remember to choose love over fear (something I struggle oh so hard to do).
So for now, I will continue breathing and continue trusting.
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