Another Bucket List Check Mark

 One of my bucket list items has been to be on a game show.  About a month ago, I decided to apply  to  be on Wheel of Fortune!  I didn't really think much would come from it.  After all, I hear that over 1 million people apply to be on the show.  But just a week ago I received confirmation I was selected for round one of auditions!  

Amy made it home just in time to watch me audition and snapped this picture:

It was literally a 5 minute audition with 4 other people.  Though brief, the experience was interesting and I am so grateful I got to be a part of it.  It was a brief  get to know you session, much like how people introduce themselves on the show itself.  I mentioned my two jobs (crisis mental health and hospice), My adventures with Amy, and of course I mentioned how I like to take my cats for stroller rides.  The interview ended and now I just wait.  Wait to hear if I have been selected for Round 2.  

Every day I put the energy out in the world to be selected to be a contestant.  I want this.  Bad!  I'm hoping this blog post will help the energy flow into the Universe.  This is Pat Sajak's final year as host so I'm extra hoping that I get chosen to be on this season of the show!  

Wheel of Fortune, Here I Come!  

Scully Cat

 This post is about Scully Cat!

Not the best pictures because I am having trouble uploading the ones I want.  Also I am mad at her today so she will just have to settle for some sub par photos.

As I type this, she is crawling all over my lap, blocking my view from the screen, and laying on my arm to paralyze it from doing anything other than moving my fingers.  But those are not the reasons I am upset with her today.

See, Scully does not care about anything.  She will do as she pleases.  So this morning she woke me up by scratching at the bedroom door, which we keep closed to ensure better quality sleep.  For if we don't, Scully will walk upon our heads and perch herself on our sleeping bodies as though she owns us.  So our door is closed. In front of our door is a protective barrier for the carpet as Scully has tried to claw her way into the bedroom causing quite some damage to the carpet.  So, we have a heavy duty welcome mat, underneath an electric shock causing mat, held down by a large boulder.  Still, Scully manages to claw through that all to wake me up in the morning.  

In order to not positively reinforce me getting out of bed to feed her, I instead opened the door and squirted her with a squirt bottle.  She got doused today!  I kept squirting her and squirting her as she bolted around the living room like a little space invader target.  

So,  yeah, I am a little annoyed with her today.  

She does not respond to discipline.  So we ultimately just give up trying.  The only cat who is "allowed" on the table and counter is Scully.  We don't so much allow it as surrender to it.  Its a lot of effort to discipline for nothing.  She is a little naughty and an ultimate brat-cat much like Nermal from Garfield.

Poor Scully sometimes gets the nickname of "Garbage" because she is just an ordinary run-of-the-mill kind of cat.  Not as unique as our other two.  However, she is very endearing, gentle, and sweet.  She is the most friendly-to-human cat we have at the moment.  She gives good snuggles, on her terms only.  If she is snuggling in, and you happen to move....or breathe....wrong, she leaves.  She makes a great lap cat if you don't move or make any noises.  When she wants affection though, there is not much you can do but to give it to her.  She will crawl upon your shoulder, walk in front of your face, dance in circles on your lap until her needs are met.  

Scully is smart!  She learned how to do the high-five paw shake after watching Margie do it JUST ONE TIME!  Smart she may be, but she is also a very proud cat.  Going for stroller rides and doing dog tricks are beneath her, if you know what I mean.  You be an often find Scully sleeping in a freshly laundered basket of clothing or underneath a small table we have named “jail”.  

My morning anger with her has already subsided as she sat upon my lap purring the whole while I wrote this out.  She knows how to manipulate and act all cute to get in good graces.   

We love our Scully Cat and are very happy she is part of our family!  

A Job Not Done: Lessons Learned

 As a young teenager, I vividly remember preaching to my dad about why he should never pay somebody for a job that was not finished.  He did it all the time.  And jobs never got finished.  Never would I make that same mistake, right?  But adulting is hard sometimes, mistakes are made, and lessons are learned.

A few weeks ago, a tree guy was in the neighborhood taking down some troublesome branches and trees.  He was reasonably priced and seemed like a decent dude so I hired him to take down a bunch of overgrown and hazardous trees in my yard.  He would chop off the large limbs, stack them up neatly in a pile, out of the way, until he could come back and grab all the lumber.  Or so he said.  Well, he did come.  He did chop down some trees (Even the hammock tree, which he said he would leave...grrrrrr!).  The first part of the job was done.....and I went to pay him.  Why?  I don't know.  Because I am trusting and Believe someone will do something they say they will do.  I gave him his cash with his word that he would be back to collect the massive mess he left behind.  

Fast forward two weeks, several texts, several promises to come "tomorrow", one ominous blizzard approaching, and no word from Mr. Tree Guy.  Let it be known that in all of my texts, I was careful and cautious of my wording in case we ended up on Judge Judy...I didn't want to say anything that Judge Judy would scold me for.  I also made sure I made several references to having paid him so that that could not be disputed.  After all, I got no receipt and have no evidence of having even paid him since I had a load of cash at home (Bill paid me back).  So I was making my case for Judge Judy in text form (I think I would win!).  

Our yard is very soft.  Its not meant to have several hundred pounds of wood laying all over so this was very concerning, causing sleepless nights and frantic texts for him to come before the expected 20 inches of snow fell.  No word. 

So what does one do?  One comes home from work and watches Little House on the Prairie.  Well, poor pregnant Laura is tending the the farm during a drought when Manly (Oh how I hate that nickname!) was out of town earning a whopping $150.  Laura hauled buckets and buckets of water during a rare Minnesota heatwave in order to save her orchard.  

The wood in our yard was not going to move itself, and the tree guy certainly made it clear he was not going to finish his job.  So out I went.  Inspired by Laura....and my own anal-ness about having a tidy yard.  How in the WORLD am I going to mow in the spring time?!  

I hauled tons of wood!  Piled it in inconspicuous areas of the yard that would cause the least amount of damage.  Both to the yard and to the eyes.  Some of the pieces had to be hundreds of pounds, and those are the ones I rolled away best I could.  All the physical labor (two straight hours) helped to expel all the rage I was feeling from this situation.  Two neighbor boys did come by (dressed in crocks, shorts, and short sleeve t-shirts in the middle of December with a blizzard approaching) and helped a great deal.  They didn't last too long due to their attire and age 10 muscles, but they certainly earned their $20.  

Stone Soup.  In the Little House episode, Ma tells the story to the school children about Stone Soup....how a bunch of people can come together to accomplish something.  All the children went to Laura's to help her with her orchard.  And that is exactly what I experienced!  The neighborhood children came to help me out.  Together we got all the wood moved minutes before it started to freezing rain.  Something else to be thankful for.  

 In the midst of a crummy situation, beauty also exists.  A wonderful wife who is so forgiving for my errors in judgment and who supported me during my rageful time, neighbors who came together to help us out, and other neighbors who I know got our back when times are not easy.  Its heartwarming to see people pull together to help each other out and to celebrate what is good and true in this world. 

Lets not forget about Lessons Learned here.  So many lessons.  

One).  Never pay for a job that is not complete.  This lesson I have always known, but now I have learned.

Two).  Get a contract.  In writing.

Three).  Never pay in cash.

Four).  Get the guy's name.  I don't know his name or the name of his company!  What a fool!!  

Five).  Don't steal.  Sometimes I have this habit of stealing things from the store...like cat litter, cat food, cherries....Its always been justified that I am not stealing from a human, but I am.  Plus Karma.  I do not like this feeling of being taken advantage of.  Its gross.  Its not something I want to support.  Just be honest and real.  I bet if I acted more accordingly, Karma would also act accordingly.  

Miss Efficiency

Just call me Miss Efficient (or maybe Miss ADHD....you be the judge).  At least I try to be (efficient, not ADHD).  I remember how the powers that be at Target drilled efficiency into the heads of us cashiers.  It would be safe to say I was productive even before this, but all of that training reinforced what I already felt in the core of my soul.

The older I get, the more skilled I am becoming at being efficient.  And skilled I am.  I'm so proficient that I can watch a 2 hour movie in about 1/2 hour!  Tip number one at "movie efficiency":  Fast forward all the boring or non important parts.  For example, who needs to watch a chase scene in real time?  You can just as easily see what is going on in the scene in fast forward.  Generally there is no dialogue so you don't miss any key plot points.  In fact, one could argue, that watching a chase scene in fast forward is EVEN faster; therefore, it is also more exciting.  Plus you shave about 3-5 minutes off the time of the film!  Brilliant.

Tip number two:  Fast forward fight scenes and running scenes:  For the same reasons mentioned above.

Tip number three:  Fast forward any scene involving no dialogue where a person is just standing there, a song is playing, or someone is searching for something.  You can make a "slow" movie, not so slow and again, you shave precious minutes off the film time.

Tip number four:  Fast forward any movie that you may not enjoy, but you want to see how it ends.  Or perhaps you want to be familiar with only certain scenes for pop culture reasons.  Last night I did just that.  I watched the first 5 minute opening of the film, fast forwarded the entire middle part, and watched the final 5 minutes.  That is a whole 10 minutes of movie watching, and yet, I know exactly enough of what happened in the movie that I feel confident I don't want to watch the entire film.

Not all movies are fast forward-able.  I get that and respect that.  Only those worthy of being fast forwarded will be sped up.

Now the question remains:  efficient or attention deficit?

I Am Woman.....

......Hear me roar......

The headlight on my car burnt out just the other day.  Immediately I give my brother a call and play helpless so that he will go fetch me a new light bulb and change it for me.  Only, he doesn't answer any of his 3 pay-as-you-go cell phones.  In fact, two may be out of commission.  So I did what anyone would do; I told my mom to call him later that night to relay the message that I needed my headlight changed.

Well, she forgot.  And, let's face it, had my brother been beckoned, it could have taken weeks, if not months, to no longer drive a "pa-diddle" (is that a well known term for a car with only one headlight or just a local term?)

With a friend's inspirational quote streaming through my head, I decided to be "smart enough to read a manual, or use google" to get this hopefully simple task accomplished.

Off to Wal-Mart go I.  Not even asking a Wal-Mart dude which light bulb I needed, I used the little electronic thing-a-ma-bob to select the correct bulb, learning, in the process, how much car light bulbs cost......$50 for a set of two of them!  Yikes.

Page 226 of my owner's manual (yes, I actually have it and keep it in my glove box) showed me a three-step process of changing my headlight.  It took all of 10 minutes, and really was easy as 1, 2, 3.  No tools required.  I even got my hands a little dirty.  And the best news of all......They work!

Now, I am at home and a little restless because I really want to go out for a drive in the dark to see how much better my new lights work, and I will appreciate them even more knowing I did it all by myself.

ROAR!

Epic Failure

So, I have been trying to fall asleep for a little bit, and had this brilliant idea to blog.  Blog about what, I don't know.  It started out to be a post about how my life is boring and in need of some "spice".  But then I didn't want to seem like I was complaining because my life really is blessed, and change brings about so much anxiety for me.  Really, I am content with things as they are. 

Then I thought about writing about my summer time adventures with Dairy Queen Blizzards, backyard bonfires, and buddies, but currently lack the inspiration and creativity to make that specific blog post worth reading.

Of course, I could write about rescuing a lame squirrel, followed a month later by saving a young Robin.  But that is pretty much the story.  I saved a squirrel.  I saved a bird. 

Naturally there is always the subject of my cats, but the title of "Crazy Cat Lady" is already beginning to adhere so I have to ease up on my cat love for now. 

So this is my epic failure of a blog post.  And, sadly, that is all I have for the moment.......

Leggings

Just as I entered the 21st Century by updating my hair style, I am edging closer to the 80's again with my wardrobe.  But its the "new" style now so I'm good.

Yesterday I bought my first pair of.....leggings. 

Yes, leggings.  They were my standard style of dress in the 80's.  Remember the stirrup pants?  I always felt like going out and riding a horse when I wore those (though I have never been on a horse before).  Do people who ride horses actually wear stirrups or did I just feel like riding a horse because of the name "stirrup"?  Things that make ya go "hmmmm"......

 Anyway, I forgot how comfortable legging are!! Wow!  So cozy, soft and flexible.  The complete opposite of jeans.  Then of course, a person can get the best of the leggings world AND the jeans world and wear the ever ambiguous "jeggings".  No, I don't think I will go that far, but Yes, yes, I may start wearing more leggings.

However, I am not completely comfortable in them yet so not sure I will wear them around my work crew just yet.  For now, they will be my day off attire. 

So, moving forward with the hair and backward with the clothes :)

What I Did for Week 3 of my Vacation/Staycation

Only one more day of bliss.  One more day to do whatever whenever however.  No time table to keep to, no alarm to wake to, no kids to strap down on a bed.  I was blessed to have very good weather for the duration of my vacation and I certainly made the most of each day. 

Week 3 was a little more of the same, but the following is the remainder of the list of what I Did on My Summer Vacation:

1. I totally forgot to mention on my first list that I mastered the technique of peeing in the woods.  I'll spare you the details, but I successfully tinkled several times without splashing pee all over myself.
2. See #1 above....I peed on Park Point today....
3. I got some Mom Time in which is always a blessing
4. I mourned the loss of my 80's bangs, but grew to embrace and enjoy my side sweepers.
5. Walked bare foot on the beach.
6. Sat on a rock overlooking the city contemplating how little grasshoppers look like tiny robots.
7. Snuggled with Tino on the chillier mornings under the blankies.
8. Part way winterized my garden
9. Appreciated each and every second and gave thanks for the sunshine.
10. Mentally prepared for the return to work.
11. Plucked 235,123 grey hairs from my head....man oh man, they popped out like whoa recently
12. Finished yet another book.  Ahhhh.

It went so fast, and now I can look forward to having days off.  I keep having to remind myself that just because I head back to work, doesn't mean that I will never a day off again.  Back to the Salt Mines I go.......

What I did for Week 2 of My Vacation/Staycation

I am now officially beyond the halfway point on my vacation.  Less than a week left and I have to return to work.  The only bad thing about being on vacation is that it makes it that much more difficult to return.  Well, here is a list of my second week of vacation activities:

1. I called 911.  Yup, on my neighbors who were having a domestic dispute.  However, the real motive for the call was to phone up my friend who could give me the play-by-play from her 5-0 radio (police calls).  It was pretty uneventful.....
2. I officially entered the 21st century.  Though I am still getting used to my new do, I am growing fonder of it by the day.
3. I got big girl underwear.  Or rather, as it was clarified to me, I got teenager underwear.  I had been wearing "Old Lady Undies" AKA Hanes Her Way (though the bikini style if you must know), but now I am wearing novelty panties which I LOVE!  What is better than having a pair of panties with a ruffle or cute saying on the butt?  I tell ya, I love my new undies.  Probably the best thing I did on my vacation sad as that may be ;)
4. I played some Super Mario World.  I get into those games, sweat, and get pretty worked up.  Its so fun!
5. I rode my bike.  I haven't been on my bicycle for many many years, but a nice 10 minute bike ride might just awaken that desire.
6. I have been brushing my teeth with a new SoniCare toothbrush.  Fun and so clean.
7. I stepped out of my comfort zone hard core and went out on the town with the ladies for a bachelorette party.  Good times in a Hummer Limo, more drinks than I have had in years, and belly laughs galore!
8. I painted my nails!
9. I went on a spending splurge and bought new clothes and a few accessories.
10. Not once did I inquire how work was going, though information was offered to me unsolicited. 
11. Went to the movie "The Help" which was an excellent and powerful film.  It takes a lot to make me cry in a movie, and this one started the waterworks on more than one occasion, but then it pushed the funny button and had me laughing.
12. Helped out a friend a few different times while she struggled with some family health issues.
13. Spent the day at the beach!  One of my main goals was to spend the day at the beach.  Too bad the water was too frigid to actually go in for too long.  In fact, I could only go in while "high stepping" (running quickly with high knees).  And even then, my calves and feet began to get numb.
14. Continued to obsess over Words With Friends.

And that pretty much wraps up my second week of vacation.  I wouldn't want to have spent it any other way!

Not-So-Eensie-Weensie-Spider

When throwing my laundry in the washing machine today, a large basement spider revealed himself to me on the top of the heaping pile of dirty clothes inside the machine. 

I could have rescued him. 

And normally I don't take to killing things, even ugly spiders.  You know that scene in "The Secret Life of Bees" where May puts a trail of marshmallows for the spiders (or maybe they were cockroaches?) to make their way safely out the door? 

Yeah, that could be me. 

Only it wasn't. 

Instead, I quickly turned on the warm water, added detergent, and even added bleach in attempts to poison the poor critter.  I laundered that little fella.  Hopefully it does him in and his poor spider parts get shredded apart to be drained away during the spin cycle. 

Otherwise I will be wearing the remains of an innocent spider inside my underwear.

Big Hair for (Not Even) a Day

My hair has always been one of my biggest challenges in life.  It never really does what most hair does in that styling it takes some creativity and patience.  And even with that, it never really looks good.  I'm still stuck in a boring and lifeless hair "style".  To use the word "style" is being quite generous.  It seems the older I am getting, the thinner and limper my hair is becoming. 

Yesterday I went to get my hair cut.  Nothing major; just a few inches trimmed.  Aside from cutting one side a bit shorter than the other, my hairdresser did a great job and even spent a lot of time with me and my hair.  She talked at length about what could and would make my hair fuller, ways to actually style it, and decent products to use.  She must have styled my hair 3 or 4 different ways (if not more).  Most were OK, some were cute, and others not so much.  By the time she was done with me, I actually had "big hair".  It was the biggest my hair had ever been and it was kinda cute.  I was amped that I had found a new style and was instructed on how to recreate that same style.

Like I said, my hair does not do what other hair does, and within 10 minutes of being at home, my hair just looked weird.  It didn't look like it looked at the salon, and I had a ton of product in my backcombed hair.  There was no way in hell a person could run their fingers through my hair, and it felt thick.  But it also felt dirty.  I couldn't stand the way my hair felt!  I wanted to comb it out.  No, I needed to comb it out.  Just as my hairdresser predicted, I combed my hair out, and because there was so much product in my hair, it got super flat and dull.

Thinking I could recreate a similar look to the one I had at the salon, I decided to rewash and restyle my hair.  Too much work, man!  I am not a high maintenance kind of gal, and styling my hair takes a lot of time and maintenance which I refuse to succumb to.  Plus it didn't look nearly as good as when it did at the salon.  So, this morning I went to work with the same lifeless, dull, boring "do" only a few inches shorter.  I'm thinking I might take up a permanent pony tail.

Actually, my main conclusion is that it isn't necessarily my hair that is the problem.  Its more my face.  This face combined with that hair just doesn't work.  And I don't know how to fix either of them.

Sicky Sickerton

Oi.  Still sickly, but on the mend.  I hope.  Waves of not feeling well still come and go, and I'm in a constant state of either being under water or floating.  Energy is slowly returning and my throat still looks like rancid meat with maggots embedded in it.  I attempted to take a picture of my throat, but it didn't really turn out and the only thing that really showed up was the hair in my nostrils from a wider angled view.  Needless to say, I deleted those photos. 

Anyhoo, my brain is basically mush from all the TV watching that has been occurring as a result of being couch ridden for almost 5 days in a row.  Still, I have learned a few tid bits from my journey in sickdom.  Here goes:

1).  Swallowing two tablespoons of liquid is about the grossest thing I have ever had to do.  Get your head out of the gutters, people, I'm talking about DayQuil!!  Apparently they have a capsule version of DayQuil, but I ignorantly bought the liquid form.  That shit does work, but its not fun going down.  I think I have a solid technique figured out:  Plug nose.  Take a sip of water (for a buffer).  Chug Gross Shit.  Chase with water. 

2).  Watching my temperature vary has been addictive.  When I felt my temperature rising, I used the thermometer every 15 minutes.  It was fun to watch  my temp go from 99.3 to 99.9 to 100.5 to 100.8.  When it got over the 100 degree mark is when my vocalizations increased.

3).  Speaking of vocalizing, my cats are quite tolerant.  Those poor creatures are still listening to me moan and whine most of the night.  Like I said before, my poor future nursing home roommate.  I'm quite annoying when I am sick.

4).  TV options on Saturday and Sunday is very limited even with Satellite TV.  There was nothing worthwhile on TV those two days which also happened to be my two sickest days.  Boring!

5).  I am never going to wish sickness upon myself again.  Instead, I will take "mental health" days throughout the year.  I say that now; let's see if I can follow through with that.

6).  Popsicle quality does make a difference.  I got myself some cheap ass generic Walgreens brand of Popsicles to help soothe my throat.  Though it was helpful at the time, those Popsicles are really gross!  Never again will I buy cheap ass Popsicles.

7).  Something is seriously wrong when I lose my appetite.  Not only did I lose my appetite, but I lost any and all desire for ice cream!  Gasp!  I had a few friends offer to get me some ice cream which did not sound good at all.  Yes, something was definitely wrong.

8).  Finally, Friends make it all better.  A lot of people say they have the best friends ever, but they are liars.  It is me who has the best friends ever.  Several people called me every day to see if there was anything I needed.  Some even called twice a day.  Everybody was very generous in offering to get me quality Popsicles, ice cream, medication, or food.  Most were patient with my incessant whining on the other end of the phone. 
And one was brave enough to make a face to face encounter to bring me some chicken dumpling soup.  Yes, It is me who has the best friends ever!

Now that I have been sick, I should be good for another 20 years or so.

Why I am Going to Make a Horrible Roommate When I Enter the Nursing Home

OK, I have learned my lesson:  be careful what you wish for.  I will never again wish to be sick.  After about two weeks of generalized not feeling well, I finally got knocked on my ass for four days in a row.  My throat is on fire, and you could play connect the dots with all the white puss sacs on my tonsils.  Well, you could if I didn't gag which is exactly what I did when I went at those white pustules with a Q-tip drenched in Peroxide. 

Oh, I did go to the Doctor.  Urgent care in fact.  Those who know me, know I don't go to the doctor unless I really have to, and I seldom have to.  The rapid and culture came back negative for strep throat which was so disappointing for me.  I wanted to be positive for strep in the worst way.  That may sound a bit odd, but had it been positive for strep, I would have been prescribed antibiotics.  Instead my prescription is "drink lots of fluids and rest".  They say its viral so no meds can help it.  Meanwhile my temperature is all over the map, my throat is swollen (and red with white polka dots), and I simply don't feel well. 
I am a very vocal ill person.  A good portion of my night is whimpering and whining.  My cats are putting up with it for now, but I'm afraid the poor sucker in the future who has to be my roommate in the nursing home someday may not be quite as tolerant.  In between whimpers last night, I coughed up phlegm and mucus so maybe I just need to keep doing that until all the infection is gone.  Gross I know.  Twice now, I have produced impressive,quarter sized bloody mucus globules.

Good news is that I got to use up one sick day at work.  One legitimate, quilt free sick day.  Bad news is, I have been sick every day of my 5 days off.  Super sucky.  I have decided that I am done being sick today at 3:30.  I have had it.  Enough is enough.  I don't want to be sick anymore, and maybe if I act well, I will slowly start to feel well.  For the first time in 5 days, I got dressed in real clothes (as opposed to pjs), ran an errand, and am not laying down on the couch today. 

The errand I ran was to fetch me some more Kleenex and DayQuil.  I have never before had DayQuil, but I had to try something.  I was excited to come home and take my first dose.  That shit is NASTY!  I almost vomited it all up, but I managed to get it down, and I think it may have helped.  It was either the DayQuil or the phlegm removal that has been taking place most of the night and morning. 

Aside from one day, the weather has made it easy to be sick.  Rainy, windy, and gloomy.  Today is no exception so I'll go gargle with some salt water, wrap up with a blankie in the chair (not the couch!), and drink me my fluids.

The Klepto in Me

The other day I ran a few errands at Wal-Mart, came home, and put my belongings away.  I get very distracted sometimes when I put away groceries or bags of newly bought purchases.  This day was going quite well, and things were getting put in their rightful places pretty efficiently.  Upon going through my bags, I realized that the cashier who kindly placed my bags in the cart at Wal-Mart neglected to put my fish tank filters in my cart.  It clearly showed up on my receipt that I paid for them, but they were nowhere to be found in the bags at home.

I gave Wal-Mart a call hoping they would be able to credit my card for the purchase rather than have me drive all the way back to the store to pick up what I had already bought.  I didn't need the filters that badly and gas is too pricey to make unnecessary trips anywhere.  So I give them a jingle and explain what happened.  The operator person tries to connect me to the service desk for some help.  Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.  I listen to the damn phone ring for 3 minutes!  I was annoyed and growing more frustrated by the moment.  I hang up, call back, and ask for the store manager this time.  I explain my situation, and also my frustration of not having my call answered the previous time.  The manager was very nice and connected me to the service desk where I again had to explain my situation.  Longish story short(er), they were able to credit my account for the purchase price of the missing fish filters.  OK . Done.

About 5 minutes later, I take a trip downstairs where I find the missing filters on the ledge going down to my basement.  Apparently I had set them down there when trying to shut the cats up while I was putting away the belongings.  Their cat food is on that ledge so I put the filters down next to the cat food.  Yeah, my memory is horrid.  In fact, I have now stooped to the level of writing myself notes and taping them to my bathroom mirror to help me remember the important stuff.  And even then, stuff gets forgotten. 

Anyway, Did I call Wal-Mart back and tell them my "oops", that I actually did have the filters and now I just technically innocently manipulated my way out of paying for them?  Naw.  I left well enough alone and figured I got me some free fish tank filters.  It was an honest enough mistake, and it was only around $6.  Mr. Sam Walton isn't going to go broke from that, and it isn't like the poor cashier is going to have to pay for them.  I still feel a little guilty about it though, and hope I don't turn into a regular kleptomaniac.

Oh, and sometimes, I push the elevator button to close the door when I know people are walking towards the elevator to get on.  Yeah, I'm a bad ass.

The Little Things (No, I don't mean Midgets)

Small things in life bring me great excitement.  I've written about how the daily mail excites me.  I've written about how numbers affect me, and how taking out the weekly garbage is just about the coolest thing in the world. 

For the past week, I have been anticipating the highlight of my year.  The exact moment that my car's odometer turned from 99999 to 100000.  Actually I have been fantasizing about that moment for about the past 5,000 miles.  **Me driving on a sunny day.  Perhaps the window is down.  A gentle breeze blowing through my hair.  A smile on my face singing along to the radio.  All of a sudden the last 9 on the right begins to turn.  Slowly. Slowly. Sloooowly.  Then BAM!  all numbers change to 100000 at once!  My smile turns into a big grin; maybe even laughter.  I drive to the Dairy Queen to celebrate such a milestone and watch as the mileage begins to climb once again.**

Yes, that was my fantasy. 

This past week I was watching carefully as it was nearing that magical moment.  I clearly remember the odometer reading 99953 (all odd numbers I might add.  A bit of foreshadowing?) and thinking to myself that I better be on my toes.  Mileage adds up fast. 

A day or two casually passed with me driving my car absentmindedly.  Imagine the horror when I took a peek at he dashboard and saw 100047!  Such disappointment!  Such sadness!  Such a letdown!  My fantasy turned into my worst nightmare and I haven't been able to recover. 

Being the optimist that I am, I am trying to look on the bright side.  There is still hope for catching the magical moment when the odometer turns to 111111.   Yes, that will be a special day indeed.

How I Almost Died of Botchulism

Its no secret I hate going to the grocery store. Its also no secret that I rarely have food in the house and keep my fridge and cupboards rather bare. Case in point:

 
 Tonight I attempted to "make dinner".  By make dinner I mean, "open a can of soup".  I reach up into my nearly bare cupboard and pull out a can of ham and bean soup, proceed to open it, and pour it into the saucepan to heat it up (now you, too, know how to make soup).  Then a brilliant idea occurs to me:  I should open a second can of the same soup so that I have enough left over to take to work for lunches during the next few days.

Amazingly, I had a second can of the same soup.  Immediately I notice a slight difference.  The second can of soup was much lighter in color than the last soup I poured out and the chunks of mystery ham was much pinker than the first can's ham.  In fact, the first can's ham looked more like beef.  It was brown.  Hmmm.  Did I open a can of beef soup instead?  No, the label clearly says Ham and Bean.  By this time, I have already combined the two soups and began picking out the beef colored ham.

Then it dawned on me.  What was the expiration date of that first can of soup?  June of 2007!  Now people who know my eating habits, know I am particular about expiration dates.  I know the date my milk expires and it gets poured down the drain on the date that is printed on the carton itself.  Same with my eggs even though I know they last longer than the sell by date.  This wasn't just 3 days, though, this was almost 4  years old. 

More soup cans resided in my cupboard so I took a peak at their expiration dates only to find 2 more cans of soup with 2007 and 2008 expiration dates.  Not even good enough to give to the local food shelf. 

I'm thankful I decided to open that second can otherwise I may have eaten that first can of beef-looking-ham soup unknowing that little parasites would soon be growing in my belly.  And who knew a person could write a whole blog about soup?

Orgasmic Pleasures

When I still lived at home, my mom and I would have little peanut butter races to see who could be the first person to dig their knife into that unopened jar of deliciousness.  Whoever was first would always leave a little "gotcha" message in the peanut butter itself.  A jagged "haha" or smiley face would await the loser.  There are few worse disappointments than opening that jar up thinking you were the first only to find that taunting message.  I don't have anybody to have peanut butter races with anymore, but there are a few other simple pleasures that bring about a similar feeling.

Its not often I get sunburned, and when I do get burned, it usually turns to tan.  How very fortunate I am.  Except, I love peeling off the dead layers.  The crispier the better!  Since I live in Northern Minnesota, it is a near impossibility to get sunburned 9 months out of the year so I would recreate that sensation with glue.  You've done it too, and you know it.  Elmer's Glue, on your hands, let it dry, and peel.  Its fun and it serves to clean your hands while you're at it.  I've even put Elmer's Glue on my face.  Fun times.  There is nothing quite like peeling dead sunburned skin. . . . .

. . .Except the feeling of pulling a stray strand of hair out of your nose or ear.  Ohhhhh, that sensation is glorious!  When I was younger, I would even put a single strand of hair in my various facial orifices just to be able to pull it out again.  However, that never had the same accomplished feeling as when one was a random menace.

For me, the most pleasurable feeling occurs when I am shoveling.  Not just any regular snowfall.  Digging the shovel underneath large plates of packed, icy, chunky chunks is so rewarding.  My neighbor and I would often shovel in tandem.  Her in her driveway and me in mine.  We both loved shoveling those big chunks that had been packed down by repeatedly driving on them.  To finally reach the bare driveway was....orgasmic.  Yes, orgasmic.  For real.

From peanut butter, to Elmer's glue, to hair in the nose, to shoveling chunky snow chunks......all simple pleasures of orgasmic proportions.

Forcing It

Even more than writing a blog, I enjoy reading them.  Only a few of my friends have blogs, and I follow another blog of a complete stranger, but that just does not satisfy me.  I want more.  I want more blogs to read, but frankly, I can't find another random one that holds my interest.  So now I have become a blog pimp.  Yup, forcing other friends of mine to blog simply so that I can fulfill my insatiable blog appetite.

One friend of mine does not seem to want to get into the blogging world despite my desperate attempts to make her blog.  Hell, I even created her main blog page for her....including the name. With her consent and approval of course.  For her, I think blogging would be rather cathartic.  She is able to express herself much easier with the written word than with the spoken word, and a blog would be an ideal means of expression.    Still, she has no interest. 

The other day she was at my house and I showed her how pretty her blog was.  She agreed it did indeed look nice.  Then I proceeded to demonstrate how easy it was to write an entry; thus, I wrote her first blog entry!  She left that night with the assignment to blog when she got home.   Each day I eagerly anticipate a new exciting blog to read, but alas, no go.

I guess you can't force these things even though I desperately want to force it.  Maybe I'll start writing on her blog as though I am her and fool myself.  Naw, I'd be wise to that.

Happy Hour My Style

Another Friday night, another Happy Hour.  I'm not talking the happy hour at the neighborhood bar or even the happy hour where appetizers are half price.  No, instead, I refer to the new Happy Hour I look forward to every Friday night.  Its the Bejeweled Happy Hour on Facebook where the x2 enhanced feature is FREE!  Usually it costs 7500 coins (coins you rack up by obsessive playing), but every Friday, they are free.  Go me.

Its a sad life I lead.  This Friday evening, I am bored silly.  Its a good measure of others who have uneventful lives to see who else may be updating their statuses on Facebook on Fridays and Saturdays.  Mostly, though, those are the people who are home with their families.  Or, if they are single like me, they are experiencing a very real hour of happiness.  They are likely NOT enjoying my same Happy Hour. 

In addition to keeping up with the ever exciting world of Facebook, tonight I have taken to reading blogs.  Sometimes its fun to read random blogs, but tonight I went back and reread the other blogs I follow.  That, in turn, inspired me to blog.  My problem is that I couldn't figure out what to write about.  A Bejeweled Happy Hour just is not that exciting.  Yet, it made for an OK blog post I guess. 

Certainly there are other, more productive things I could (and should) be doing, but getting to the top of the leader board on all my online games has become somewhat of a priority for me.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a huge gamer by any means, and once I achieve top billing, my games take a very big back seat.  Truth be told, I am already at the top of my Bejeweled leader board. But, as in life, I like to have a good savings of coins so that when Tuesday rolls around (the day the leader board resets), I will have a surplus to achieve first place once again.

Yes, my self esteem is based largely on my first place statuses of online games.  Now that I am in first place and my blog has been blogged, it is time to go pet the cats.  Sigh.

Because I Can

For the past 3 days, I have spent most of my time in my pajamas.  Its been nice being off work, and since its a mild deep freeze, I have just hunkered down at home.  That means I have spent considerably more time in my comfy jammie clothes than I have in my uncomfy street clothes.  Never before in my life have I spent this much time in my pjs and it feels good!  Its been so relaxing having an afternoon bubble bath followed up by wrapping in my blanket with sleeves.  That's right, a snuggie, ya'll.  The reason I do this is simple.  Its the same reason a dog licks itself.  Because I Can.