Today at work I entered the ladies Room to do my business. As I am doing my business in my stall, I hear a voice from the other stall:
Voice: "K, is that you?"
Me: "Uh, yeah."
The voice proceeds to ask me questions about the day as we are both peeing. (With close friends I happen to call that circumstance "Dueling Vaginas". I almost always win because I have a small bladder.) But this voice was not that of a close friend. This voice belonged to my boss.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind having a casual conversation with a friend or a shopping partner or whatever, but in general, I prefer to have silence while I do my bathroom duties. Its just awkward to be chatting about the weather as I am wiping myself. And for this person to be my boss was just wrong. To make it even stranger, she finished her business before me and left the bathroom so we had this whole conversation without even seeing each other. Bizarre.
So, for those of you who are reading this, feel free to strike up a conversation when I happen to be dueling my vagina against yours. (Technically maybe its the urethra.)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
10,000 steps
My insurance company through work has yearly incentives which, if completed, save us $10 per month off our insurance. We have to sign up for these incentives and record our progress or activity level, depending on the event a person chooses.
This year, I chose the 10,000 step program. The goal is to get 10,000 steps in one day. The real reason I signed up for this program is because each participant gets a free pedometer. I'll do anything for a free something or other. Nevermind that I already have 2-3 other pedometers that I got free from sending in Special K box tops. Those other pedometers have sat untouched for many years, but somehow this new pedometer will make all the difference in the world.....right.
This incentive program is only an 8 week course so I will have this new free pedometer attached to my hip like an extra appendage. Actually, it looks kind of like a diabetic pump sitting there on my hip. It seems to be fairly accurate, but it only measures steps so my roller blade activity did not get counted on my new appendage. I figured out how many "steps" per minute I took while roller blading and just multiplied that by how many minutes I roller bladed. In this case it was 40minutes so I got myself an extra 3200 steps today.
So far today I am down about 4000 steps so I think I am going to go walk around my house for a few minutes to bump up that number. Happy walking!
This year, I chose the 10,000 step program. The goal is to get 10,000 steps in one day. The real reason I signed up for this program is because each participant gets a free pedometer. I'll do anything for a free something or other. Nevermind that I already have 2-3 other pedometers that I got free from sending in Special K box tops. Those other pedometers have sat untouched for many years, but somehow this new pedometer will make all the difference in the world.....right.
This incentive program is only an 8 week course so I will have this new free pedometer attached to my hip like an extra appendage. Actually, it looks kind of like a diabetic pump sitting there on my hip. It seems to be fairly accurate, but it only measures steps so my roller blade activity did not get counted on my new appendage. I figured out how many "steps" per minute I took while roller blading and just multiplied that by how many minutes I roller bladed. In this case it was 40minutes so I got myself an extra 3200 steps today.
So far today I am down about 4000 steps so I think I am going to go walk around my house for a few minutes to bump up that number. Happy walking!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Failed Tomorrows
Every single day for me is yet another failed tomorrow. Each night when I go to bed, I tell myself my goal for the next day. It all started with that eye opening photograph of myself. After I saw those pictures, I was amazed that I didn't even look like myself. My face was filled out. My hips and tummy were wide. My butt gigantic. Sounds self defeating, but it was very weird to see those pictures and not even recognize the image I saw in the photo. I needed to do something and I would start.....tomorrow. "Tomorrow I will eat better. Tomorrow I will start to exercise more. Tomorrow....." For me, tomorrow never comes. Last night I had a grand plan. One I won't go into boring details here, but it was going to work alright. This time, this plan would be fool proof. But I have proved to be the fool once again.
I actually did very good until about 1:00 this afternoon. My self control was first tested when a coworker brought cookies to work. Oh, I did have one, but only one. I consciously decided I didn't like it very much and had no desire for a second, third or fourth. It was tested a second time when another coworker brought a box of chocolates to work. My goal was to not eat one. They sat staring at me, calling my name. I resisted and then proceeded to pat myself on the back.
Then I caved when a coworker offered me a scone at the end of a very hectic, unenjoyable day. The little thought went through my head, "don't do it.....don't do it..." But I did. I don't even like scones!! It was a HUGE scone at that. . . and I ate the whole thing. Its not all bad, though, because I did show SOME restraint in choosing the raspberry scone over the chocolate chip scone.
People talk about "mindful eating"; I even sat in on an hour long class on mindful eating once a month for several months. It is something I actually practice; though you wouldn't know it. For Example when that scone was offered to me, I mindfully said, "no, you don't even like scones. You don't need the scone. You just finished lunch and you're not even hungry". I took the scone anyway. Not only did I take it, but I ravenously ate the whole damn thing. With each bite, I mindfully told myself "This is not that tasty. Its a challenge to eat because you are so full. Don't eat anymore". Yet I continued to mindfully eat the rest of that scone. Ugh.
Tomorrow I'd like to try again. One of these days my tomorrow may actually happen.
I did accomplish one goal today, though, I never did eat a piece of that chocolate.
I actually did very good until about 1:00 this afternoon. My self control was first tested when a coworker brought cookies to work. Oh, I did have one, but only one. I consciously decided I didn't like it very much and had no desire for a second, third or fourth. It was tested a second time when another coworker brought a box of chocolates to work. My goal was to not eat one. They sat staring at me, calling my name. I resisted and then proceeded to pat myself on the back.
Then I caved when a coworker offered me a scone at the end of a very hectic, unenjoyable day. The little thought went through my head, "don't do it.....don't do it..." But I did. I don't even like scones!! It was a HUGE scone at that. . . and I ate the whole thing. Its not all bad, though, because I did show SOME restraint in choosing the raspberry scone over the chocolate chip scone.
People talk about "mindful eating"; I even sat in on an hour long class on mindful eating once a month for several months. It is something I actually practice; though you wouldn't know it. For Example when that scone was offered to me, I mindfully said, "no, you don't even like scones. You don't need the scone. You just finished lunch and you're not even hungry". I took the scone anyway. Not only did I take it, but I ravenously ate the whole damn thing. With each bite, I mindfully told myself "This is not that tasty. Its a challenge to eat because you are so full. Don't eat anymore". Yet I continued to mindfully eat the rest of that scone. Ugh.
Tomorrow I'd like to try again. One of these days my tomorrow may actually happen.
I did accomplish one goal today, though, I never did eat a piece of that chocolate.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Just a Building?
The Icon of my childhood is being demolished as we "speak". My beloved Piedmont Elementary School is being destroyed with intentions of rebuilding a "better" school. All three of my brothers and myself went to Piedmont from K-6th grade. Sure, I cried every day for the first 2 weeks of school, but I grew to love that school and everything it stood for.
Kindergarten: Memories of sitting on the circle with letters and numbers painted right on the floor! Building towers and walls with those large, soft red blocks. Taking the wagon down to the cafeteria and getting milk for the whole class. And my first "boyfriend", Sam.
First Grade: I got in trouble for eating glue after some bitch ratted me out to the teacher. I never ate glue after that. This is also when I met my best friend, Mindy. We're still friends to this day.
Second Grade: My teacher was a bit bipolar. Rumored to throw erasers at kids, I was a little leary of being a student in her classroom. The craziest thing I saw her do was lock herself in the closet crying after we were making fun of the way she was conducting out little choir. We apologized and it was all good from there.
Third Grade: A fun teacher, Ms. Ling. We were known as the Peanuts, had a homemade classroom yearbook, danced for local nursing homes, and learned how to write in cursive! I was invited to join Sage, an extracurricular activity for kids with good grades. Oh, and our school had a set of twins in its presence. They were a bit of local celebrity. You would think Mary Kate and Ashley Olson attended our school.
Forth Grade: My teacher was a lesbian or at least appeared to be. She was divorced and had 2 dogs named Pepsi and Cola. Get it? She had certain Teacher's Pets each year. I was determined to be her Pet, but this year was not my year. This year Nathan would win.
Fifth Grade: I win! I had the same teacher for 5th grade and got to be the Pet! Woop Woop. This was also the year I had my first enemy, Stacy, who then turned out to be one of my greatest friends. Our truce? We found out we shared the same Birthday and all was gravy.
Sixth Grade: My final year in Piedmont. I started to play the violin. On the last day of school, I bawled much as I bawled on the first day. Full Circle.
Some will argue that it is just a building being torn down; argue that it is about the memories and the people. True. But, each time I drove by that Neighborhood Icon, it brought back those memories much like looking at a photo album. Without the physical building, the photo album is gone. The memories will always remain, but will continue to fade especially when the new school is erected. At least a school will be in its place and new students can make new memories.
Kindergarten: Memories of sitting on the circle with letters and numbers painted right on the floor! Building towers and walls with those large, soft red blocks. Taking the wagon down to the cafeteria and getting milk for the whole class. And my first "boyfriend", Sam.
First Grade: I got in trouble for eating glue after some bitch ratted me out to the teacher. I never ate glue after that. This is also when I met my best friend, Mindy. We're still friends to this day.
Second Grade: My teacher was a bit bipolar. Rumored to throw erasers at kids, I was a little leary of being a student in her classroom. The craziest thing I saw her do was lock herself in the closet crying after we were making fun of the way she was conducting out little choir. We apologized and it was all good from there.
Third Grade: A fun teacher, Ms. Ling. We were known as the Peanuts, had a homemade classroom yearbook, danced for local nursing homes, and learned how to write in cursive! I was invited to join Sage, an extracurricular activity for kids with good grades. Oh, and our school had a set of twins in its presence. They were a bit of local celebrity. You would think Mary Kate and Ashley Olson attended our school.
Forth Grade: My teacher was a lesbian or at least appeared to be. She was divorced and had 2 dogs named Pepsi and Cola. Get it? She had certain Teacher's Pets each year. I was determined to be her Pet, but this year was not my year. This year Nathan would win.
Fifth Grade: I win! I had the same teacher for 5th grade and got to be the Pet! Woop Woop. This was also the year I had my first enemy, Stacy, who then turned out to be one of my greatest friends. Our truce? We found out we shared the same Birthday and all was gravy.
Sixth Grade: My final year in Piedmont. I started to play the violin. On the last day of school, I bawled much as I bawled on the first day. Full Circle.
Some will argue that it is just a building being torn down; argue that it is about the memories and the people. True. But, each time I drove by that Neighborhood Icon, it brought back those memories much like looking at a photo album. Without the physical building, the photo album is gone. The memories will always remain, but will continue to fade especially when the new school is erected. At least a school will be in its place and new students can make new memories.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Taste the Rainbow
When eating candy that has various colors with distinctive flavors, it is imperative to eat them in a specific order. Since Easter just passed, you can practice at home with some left over Easter candy. Jelly Beans are perfect. Not all jelly beans are created equal, however, and you may have to do some of your own experimentation. For today's purposes, I will rely on the flavors of spice drops.
I have them laid out in the order in which I eat them. The exception in this case is the green colored spice drop. Since I was a cheapskate and bought the generic brand of spice drops, the green flavor is very nasty so I don't eat it. Actually I do eat it, but I don't want to eat it, and a few have even made the trash. Its seems a shame to throw away an otherwise perfect candy. But I digress.
On to the order. The rules of life clearly state that a person should Save the Best for Last. Delay that gratification as long as possible. The tricky part is that, with colorful candy, you need to save the best flavor for last, not the best color. In this case (and in the case of most jelly beans) I eat purple first. Its my least favorite flavor (not color) so it has to be eaten first. Next up is Yellow and Orange which are often times interchangeable, but not in the case of these generic spice drops. Upon first opening a bag of candy, be sure to test a few different colors to determine how you will eat them. It is OK to use prejudice from previous flavor/color candy experiences.
Almost always, Red is my favorite and, based on the "Save the Best for Last" theory, should be eaten last. However, in my Theory of Color Candy Eatin', White colored candy is often pepperminty/spearminty in flavor and will distort the flavor of the next few pieces of candy so white MUST BE EATEN LAST even if it is NOT the most favorite candy flavor. That is the biggest mistake people will often make, but now that you know, you are sure not to make that mistake in the future, right? OK then.
Above rules only apply when snacking solo. If sharing your snacks you may want to consider eating the Best candies FIRST to ensure you get the good ones. Unless you are a very kind candy sharer, which I am most certainly not.
If you get skilled at Eating In Order, then you can advance to Eating in Combination. Only the skilled candy eater can advance to this level. It involves very carefully mixing flavors of 2 or more candies in your mouth at one time. It can be fun, but it can turn toxic rather quickly as well.
Tune in when October rolls around for a complete expose on the differences in the layers of candy corn. Oh yeah, there are differences people!
I have them laid out in the order in which I eat them. The exception in this case is the green colored spice drop. Since I was a cheapskate and bought the generic brand of spice drops, the green flavor is very nasty so I don't eat it. Actually I do eat it, but I don't want to eat it, and a few have even made the trash. Its seems a shame to throw away an otherwise perfect candy. But I digress.
On to the order. The rules of life clearly state that a person should Save the Best for Last. Delay that gratification as long as possible. The tricky part is that, with colorful candy, you need to save the best flavor for last, not the best color. In this case (and in the case of most jelly beans) I eat purple first. Its my least favorite flavor (not color) so it has to be eaten first. Next up is Yellow and Orange which are often times interchangeable, but not in the case of these generic spice drops. Upon first opening a bag of candy, be sure to test a few different colors to determine how you will eat them. It is OK to use prejudice from previous flavor/color candy experiences.
Almost always, Red is my favorite and, based on the "Save the Best for Last" theory, should be eaten last. However, in my Theory of Color Candy Eatin', White colored candy is often pepperminty/spearminty in flavor and will distort the flavor of the next few pieces of candy so white MUST BE EATEN LAST even if it is NOT the most favorite candy flavor. That is the biggest mistake people will often make, but now that you know, you are sure not to make that mistake in the future, right? OK then.
Above rules only apply when snacking solo. If sharing your snacks you may want to consider eating the Best candies FIRST to ensure you get the good ones. Unless you are a very kind candy sharer, which I am most certainly not.
If you get skilled at Eating In Order, then you can advance to Eating in Combination. Only the skilled candy eater can advance to this level. It involves very carefully mixing flavors of 2 or more candies in your mouth at one time. It can be fun, but it can turn toxic rather quickly as well.
Tune in when October rolls around for a complete expose on the differences in the layers of candy corn. Oh yeah, there are differences people!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Evolution of a Permed Mall Bang Addict
BEWARE: BLOG CONTAINS SCARY PHOTOS THAT MAY CAUSE PERMANENT EYE DAMAGE. VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK!
As previously posted (I don't know how to link up past blogs yet), I have been pretty candid about my addiction with having mall bangs. Still to this day, I have those fluffy bangs. There have been many attempts to break the cycle of drying, curling and fluffing; but it never fails, I go back to my old ways within a matter of days.
Here is my evolution in pictures. The first few photos are not horrible, and some are even kinda cute. I can't say the same for the final few pictures so let this be your warning.
Here I am at age 1. Not adorable. In fact, my mom always thought I looked like I had Down Syndrome. I think I look like I have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Either way, there appears to be a syndrome of some kind......
Age 3. Cute and adorable even with the owie on my chin. I fell off the counter helping my mom bake cookies. Don't we all have a scar on our chin?
Ok. Kinda cute here. Age 6. Donning a sailor dress and long hair. Mall bangs and perms have yet to touch this virgin hair.
First Haircut. Actually this was supposed to be a mullet cut, but the beautician did not understand my mom's instructions and gave me this short cut instead. I cried because I wanted long hair, but in hindsight, it may have been a blessing. No mullets for me!
My hair is growing a little at this point, and its almost long enough to get a perm....
Ahhhhh, there it is! My first Perm. That was either 3rd or 4th grade. Notice how much body that perm gave me? That was the beginning of the addiction.
Fast Forward to around the 8th grade. Oooff Da! This is what years of bad perms can do to a person. Look at that frizz! I look like a mature dandelion. Blow on me, and all my hair may scatter about. Actually, it almost did....
Complete with teenage acne and a butterfly necklace. Its a wonder I wasn't the laughing stalk of Jr. High.
As seen previously, this was my final perm experience. The many years of perms created brittle hair that broke off leaving an asymmetrical "cut". This picture was my first time wearing my hair down which brought attention to how fried my hair was. Better to have fried hair than a fried brain I suppose. I could have been an 80's TV commercial though: This is your hair. This is your hair on perms. Any questions?
Sadly this is my graduation picture. I clearly remember doing my hair that day. I actually lowered the height of my bangs for my grad photos.
One of these days may find me with a hair make over. I'm not there quite yet. At least I have given up on the perms.
As previously posted (I don't know how to link up past blogs yet), I have been pretty candid about my addiction with having mall bangs. Still to this day, I have those fluffy bangs. There have been many attempts to break the cycle of drying, curling and fluffing; but it never fails, I go back to my old ways within a matter of days.
Here is my evolution in pictures. The first few photos are not horrible, and some are even kinda cute. I can't say the same for the final few pictures so let this be your warning.
Here I am at age 1. Not adorable. In fact, my mom always thought I looked like I had Down Syndrome. I think I look like I have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Either way, there appears to be a syndrome of some kind......
Age 3. Cute and adorable even with the owie on my chin. I fell off the counter helping my mom bake cookies. Don't we all have a scar on our chin?
Ok. Kinda cute here. Age 6. Donning a sailor dress and long hair. Mall bangs and perms have yet to touch this virgin hair.
First Haircut. Actually this was supposed to be a mullet cut, but the beautician did not understand my mom's instructions and gave me this short cut instead. I cried because I wanted long hair, but in hindsight, it may have been a blessing. No mullets for me!
My hair is growing a little at this point, and its almost long enough to get a perm....
Ahhhhh, there it is! My first Perm. That was either 3rd or 4th grade. Notice how much body that perm gave me? That was the beginning of the addiction.
Fast Forward to around the 8th grade. Oooff Da! This is what years of bad perms can do to a person. Look at that frizz! I look like a mature dandelion. Blow on me, and all my hair may scatter about. Actually, it almost did....
Complete with teenage acne and a butterfly necklace. Its a wonder I wasn't the laughing stalk of Jr. High.
As seen previously, this was my final perm experience. The many years of perms created brittle hair that broke off leaving an asymmetrical "cut". This picture was my first time wearing my hair down which brought attention to how fried my hair was. Better to have fried hair than a fried brain I suppose. I could have been an 80's TV commercial though: This is your hair. This is your hair on perms. Any questions?
Sadly this is my graduation picture. I clearly remember doing my hair that day. I actually lowered the height of my bangs for my grad photos.
One of these days may find me with a hair make over. I'm not there quite yet. At least I have given up on the perms.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Morning Duet
Certain sounds, when they wake me up in the morning, are detested. Falling under this category would be the alarm clock, the phone ringing, and the sound of cats barfing. The alarm clock and the phone always causes a startle making my heart accelerate. Not a good feeling right away in the morning. The sound of cats barfing causes slouching shoulders and a sinking heart. I think we all know that sound. The unmistakable sound of a cat's stomach repeatedly pumping up in their throat followed by the expulsion of said stomach contents. Its gross. Pure and simple. To hear that right away in the morning does not make for a good start to the day. The only positive spin I can put on it is if the vomit ends up landing on the linoleum kitchen floor as opposed to the carpeting. It makes for a much easier clean up.
I'd much rather wake up to the sound of cats purring, thunder, or birds singing. Today the birds were my alarm clock. No matter how early birds start singing, it always brings a smile to my face. Always. Just laying in bed listening to the Robins chirping back and forth is heartwarming. As an encore, Tino decided he wanted to snuggle so I was blessed with a Spring time Duet of Tino purring with back up by the Robins....at 5 AM. I loved it and look forward to many more Morning Duets.
I'd much rather wake up to the sound of cats purring, thunder, or birds singing. Today the birds were my alarm clock. No matter how early birds start singing, it always brings a smile to my face. Always. Just laying in bed listening to the Robins chirping back and forth is heartwarming. As an encore, Tino decided he wanted to snuggle so I was blessed with a Spring time Duet of Tino purring with back up by the Robins....at 5 AM. I loved it and look forward to many more Morning Duets.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Those Damn Dogs
Missy and Tiki are both rescue dogs from the shelter. They belong to my mom, but I have joint custody. I get the fun parts: Walks, Treats, and Love. My mom gets the not so fun parts: Poop, Mud, and Cost. Though I have contributed to, or completely paid for, all vet bills and groomings as needed, she gets the daily costs of food and upkeep. Nobody on this Earth loves me as much as those dogs do, especially Tiki. She loves me so much! The feeling is mutual of course, and they know it. They have me wrapped around their little fingers...uh, paws.
On those days I simply do not feel like venturing out on a hike because its too cold or too windy or too hot or too rainy, I go. I go for them. They make me feel so guilty otherwise. If ever I make a casual stop at my mom's house with no intention of walking "the girls", they look at me with their puppy dog eyes that say, "Pleeease, take us! Pleeeeease?" Most of the time I give in.
They are great motivators for me to get out and enjoy each day. I have come to appreciate those days that most people don't even think to appreciate. On those frigid below zero days, enough layers of clothing keep a person toasty warm. The snow covered winters are beautiful and majestic with some of the most beautiful scenery nature has to offer. It wasn't until those damn dogs motivated me to get outdoors that I fully came to experience what the winter season has to offer.
We don't often head out on a hike when the clouds open up and let go of their moisture, but when we do, it is majestic. There is something special about being outside in a warm rain. Because of those damn dogs, I have experienced it.
Then there are those days I simply do not have the energy or the desire to go for a walk, but those damn dogs have a magical spell over me, and away we reluctantly go. Usually following one of those dreaded walks, I come away with increased energy and usually a better spirit.
So if you ever need a little kick in the pants for some motivation to get moving, I suggest getting a damn dog. Or at least getting joint custody of one. Or two. I love those bitches.
On those days I simply do not feel like venturing out on a hike because its too cold or too windy or too hot or too rainy, I go. I go for them. They make me feel so guilty otherwise. If ever I make a casual stop at my mom's house with no intention of walking "the girls", they look at me with their puppy dog eyes that say, "Pleeease, take us! Pleeeeease?" Most of the time I give in.
They are great motivators for me to get out and enjoy each day. I have come to appreciate those days that most people don't even think to appreciate. On those frigid below zero days, enough layers of clothing keep a person toasty warm. The snow covered winters are beautiful and majestic with some of the most beautiful scenery nature has to offer. It wasn't until those damn dogs motivated me to get outdoors that I fully came to experience what the winter season has to offer.
We don't often head out on a hike when the clouds open up and let go of their moisture, but when we do, it is majestic. There is something special about being outside in a warm rain. Because of those damn dogs, I have experienced it.
Then there are those days I simply do not have the energy or the desire to go for a walk, but those damn dogs have a magical spell over me, and away we reluctantly go. Usually following one of those dreaded walks, I come away with increased energy and usually a better spirit.
So if you ever need a little kick in the pants for some motivation to get moving, I suggest getting a damn dog. Or at least getting joint custody of one. Or two. I love those bitches.
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