Healing Through Love

This quote spoke to me on a level that gave me reason to pause, and in a way that provoked some motivation to do better.  It dawned on me.  I have a living, breathing entity inside of me that deserves to be taken care of.  Much the same way I take care of my beloved cats.  Much the same way I take care of a baby or child.  Much the same way I take care of drowning worms after a rainfall.   Not to say I haven't killed my fair share of insects and other such critters, but even then, I try my best to free the spider in the house rather than smush it dead.  So if worms and spiders are worthy of such care, how come the entity in my body is not?   Whatever this soul is, it chose to reside in this body.  I will admit that I haven't always been welcoming to it, but have, hopefully, come to realize it needs a welcoming and nurturing environment that only I can provide it.  

Not sure why this quote got me thinking, but once I realized I had a living, breathing being inside this shell, I figured I had better take care of it.  Not sure why I haven't thought of it like this in the past.  Its almost a no-brainer, really.  I've devised self care plans for myself in the past, and have been able to stick to them for a short amount of time.  But they say,  if at first you can't succeed, try try again.  So here I am trying again.   I have a plan in place to take care of whatever is taking up residence inside my skin and bones.  It chose "me", and it deserves better than I have been providing.  Basic self care needs of water, exercise and connection to the world in which I am existing is all it is, but it isn't always easy to achieve.  Life gets muddled and focus falls on things beyond my control.  My only real job in this life is to love this entity.   Once I start nourishing this soul, I can provide better for the other souls who are floating around beside this one, something I have not been very good at lately.  

The other day I opened up a Bible to a random page and read it.  It was all about coming to know God through Jesus.  I'm not religious; I don't know much about God or Jesus really. I can't tell you the chapter or book of which I read.   But I do know that it was a message from beyond myself, and I also know that Jesus is love.  So by loving myself,  I can come to know God on a deeper level.  

It is through love that heals.   

Facing Fears for Birthdays

 This year for our Birthdays, we opted for having an experience rather than giving gifts.  Inadvertently we ended up choosing activities that challenged us to face a fear of ours.  OK, so maybe not those life altering fears that get songs and movies, but fears nonetheless.  

Amy wanted a quiet, low key experience for her big 4-0 and she opted for a petting zoo!  So fun!  

How is this facing fears you might ask?  Well, see that llama there (or maybe that's an alpaca.... I don't really know the difference between the two)?   Llamas are notorious for spitting on people, and that is just not something either one of us want to encounter.  We have both been too afraid to approach llamas at zoos until this day.  The lady at the petting zoo ensured us that her llamas did not spit.  True to her word, we remained dry and got to pet and feed this furry little guy.  

When it was time for me to pick my Birthday experience, I opted to do an instructional art activity.   I have always had this belief that I am not creative nor can I do art.  These instructional art classes are kind of trendy right now, and I have been curious by people's finished projects they have posted on social media.  Certainly, I could not make a beautiful picture like they did...or could I? 

By Golly, I can!!  This is my painting.   It was a class of about 20 people all making this same picture so it was easy to look at the progress of neighboring painters, which is dangerous for me since I have a tendency to compare and criticize my own work.  Alas, I suspended my own self judgement and just let my own picture develop from my own brain and hands (and the guidance of our instructor).  

Side by side of my picture (left) and Amy's picture (right).  Of course, there are a few places in my picture that are not perfect or exactly how I imagined it.  However, it is a piece I am quite proud of.  A symbol to face fears, to allow imperfection, and to focus on what is beautiful rather than what is wrong.  This painting has so much beauty AND imperfection.  

And I created it!   

Another Bucket List Check Mark

 One of my bucket list items has been to be on a game show.  About a month ago, I decided to apply  to  be on Wheel of Fortune!  I didn't really think much would come from it.  After all, I hear that over 1 million people apply to be on the show.  But just a week ago I received confirmation I was selected for round one of auditions!  

Amy made it home just in time to watch me audition and snapped this picture:

It was literally a 5 minute audition with 4 other people.  Though brief, the experience was interesting and I am so grateful I got to be a part of it.  It was a brief  get to know you session, much like how people introduce themselves on the show itself.  I mentioned my two jobs (crisis mental health and hospice), My adventures with Amy, and of course I mentioned how I like to take my cats for stroller rides.  The interview ended and now I just wait.  Wait to hear if I have been selected for Round 2.  

Every day I put the energy out in the world to be selected to be a contestant.  I want this.  Bad!  I'm hoping this blog post will help the energy flow into the Universe.  This is Pat Sajak's final year as host so I'm extra hoping that I get chosen to be on this season of the show!  

Wheel of Fortune, Here I Come!  

Vacation Time!

 Normally I take an extended vacation each year, and this year was no exception.  I was uncertain of my vacation status since I just started a new job at the start of the year, but I was able to squeeze out 16 consecutive days off.

Day one started with an ice cream date with my lady love at Gordy's in Cloquet.  They have some tasty and delicious ice cream.  What a perfect way to start out days of rest and relaxation.

An unexpected event took place when we had a giant tree fall in our yard after a brief, but powerful, storm blew through.  Jim volunteered to help us out so we had a day of watching him chainsaw.   

The meat of my vacation was our Anniversary trip to Marquette, MI.  Neither of us had ever been and we were excited to see all the sights!  It was about 5 hour drive so road trip here we come!  Our first sight was the World's Tallest Indian, "Hiawatha", in Ironwood. 

This was a surprisingly fun stop with a heritage mining park nearby, and some teeter totters!  After asking the spirits for a fun and safe trip, we went back on the road where we stopped at every. single. rest stop on the way.  It was fun to get out, stretch our legs, grab a bite to eat, and see the beautiful surroundings that exist just beyond the lush trees.  

We arrived in Marquette and decided to explore that area instead of going further East like our original plan.  Weather was absolutely perfect for us to adventure on our bikes along the Michigan shore of Lake Superior.  The night we arrived, there was a rare Super Moon which also happened to be a Blue Moon!  We had the privilege of watching it rise over Lake Superior right from our pool.  Another visitor happened to question our interest in the moon rise and asked us if the moon was going to do tricks for us.  Yes, yes it does do tricks!  I am so fortunate to have a partner who appreciates the simple miracles of moon rises, sunsets, and all kinds of nature.  Having a Blue Super Moon on our Anniversary was full circle for us after a full Blood Moon was a major player the night Amy was brave enough to tell me she loved me eight years prior. 

Though the outdoor temperature was perfect, it was still a little chilly to actually swim in Lake Superior, but that didn't stop us from taking a quick dip anyway.  Our hotel was right on the shore of Lake Superior so knowing we had the security of warming up in our hotel hot tub, we decided to take a dip in the frigid waters.  No regrets there!  Naturally we played all sorts of water Olympics in our pool before celebrating further in our hotel room.  

The next day was a gorgeous hike above the Lake around Presque Isle where the big water was calling our name inviting us to kayak.  We were a little nervous since the water was not very calm and our kayaks are not made for big water.  However, the rock formations were just so inviting so in we went with a lot of caution.  It was brief, beautiful, and very worth it.  Crystal clear waters showed off the magnificent boulders below.  It was "ocean-esque", with the major difference being the temperature of the water.

We bid adieu to Marquette to make our way back home.  We were eager to return to our cats and the comfort of our own home, but one final stop to ride our bikes around Sunday Lake finished out our trip.  Our trip began with Hiawatha and ended with Nee Gaw Nee Gaw Bow.  I managed to sprain my knee after jumping down right after this picture was taken.  I think he was punishing me because I was disrespectfully picking his nose.   I profusely apologized for my faux pas.  Mercy was granted, but not after a few days of using some crutches. 

Still, this did not mar the beauty of the trip one bit. Marquette left us wanting more so we intend to go back to spend more than just one night with an adventure further East to Munising next time.  

I love Michigan, Lake Superior, hiking, biking, kayaking, and all kinds of full moons.  Sharing all of that with the love of my life was really the highlight of this vacation for me.  Spending time in her company is my most favorite memory.  

Bucket List Check Mark

 Last week we accomplished something on both of our bucket lists.  Something simple.  Free.  And Fun!

Concerts at our outdoor venue of Bayfront are always inviting.   Since neither one of us enjoy crowds of people, we tend to avoid these kinds of activities.  Plus, it gets expensive.  Of course, the right act would be worth both the crowd and the money.  

When we heard that Bon Iver was playing at Bayfront, we took this opportunity to satisfy a bucket list item of both of ours: attending a Bayfront concert from the vantage point of being on the water in our kayaks!  The weather cooperated beautifully and perfectly so we loaded up our boats and headed for the big water.

Upon arrival, the water looked choppy and a little intimidating.  We were apprehensive until we spoke to another lady who convinced us we could paddle across the bay since she had our same kayak.  Though the winds were quiet, the water was wavy.   We weren't the only people who had the idea to attend a concert from the water so there were big, fast boats a plenty.  This added to our anxiety, which almost prevented us from being brave enough to paddle across the big water.  

However, as we saw caravans of others in kayaks and stand up paddle boarders, our confidence came and we made it across the Bay in anticipation of hearing the concert.  It was perfect.  We were right there by the Aerial Lift Bridge and the William A. Irvin.  Naturally I  had to make my way to the Irvin to give it a love tap.

It was a fun atmosphere to be among the crowds of boats anchored in the Bay for the same reason we were there.  Many people were playing in water, which was not numbingly freezing.   We paddled between all the boaters while listening to lovely music under a clear, warm sky.   No better way to enjoy time with my love!  A perfect Duluth day.  

Spontaneity at its Finest

 Yesterday was such a fun, spontaneous day that I wanted to capture it.  Capturing these fun days and moments are something I want to focus on.  First, to formulate those feel good pathways in my brain, and second, to remember them!  

We woke up yesterday to a cool, foggy, humid July morning.  My first day off after a full five days.  Nothing was on my agenda but maybe to do some messy yard work.  The idea of taking a road trip to Michigan was kind of in the back of both of our heads, but we also kind of postponed it for later in the week so when Amy suggested Michigan, I wasn't mentally prepared.  After a few minutes of thinking about it, I thought it sounded like the most perfect way to spend an overcast and cool summer day.  

After packing ourselves some organic ham sandwiches and tossing some water in a cooler, off we went.  No plans.  No agenda.  Just take a road trip and see what we see.  These are often our most fun outings usually with fun surprises and few, if any, disappointments.  

Neither one of us was dressed for the coolness of the day (lowest recorded temp from the car thermometer was 57 despite the forecast of a day in the high 70s).  We had planned to get out to stretch our legs,  take a few hikes, but the weather was not super inviting.  We had wanted to sit outside somewhere beautiful to eat our brought-from-home food.  Alas, our tummies and our body temperature had us settle for the parking lot of the Ironwood rest stop where we watched old people slowly walk into the building and back out again.  

After that, our next spontaneous stop was non other than WAL-MART!  This was actually fun, and we even bought a few things.  Me:  a new outfit for work.  Her:  a knee brace for her bum knee.  Plus on the drive there, we got to go through a cool, old, downtown looking area of Michigan that was reminiscent of a ghost town.  

One more stop to get what we could obtain legally from Michigan before heading back home.  On our way we drove past a sign for Interstate Falls.  Should we stop?  Should we continue home?  Amy had a bum knee, and I didn't have warm clothes to hike in 57 degree, rainy weather.  We both figured, "what the heck, why not?", so I turned the car around and headed back to the trail head.  This was not a mistake.  

As luck and preparation would have it, I carry some extra clothes in my car that included a rain poncho, long pants, and my work jacket.  Amy now had her knee brace which made walking a bit less painful for her.  I was warm.  She was mobile.  The trail was short.

This foggy dampness only added to the beauty of the woods.  Dewey moss, dripping leaves, trees, roots, unseen critters, and of course running water with mini waterfalls kept pulling us to adventure.  Waterfalls are my medicine.  I love them, find them healing, and am often called to play in them.  After arriving at the big waterfall, I wanted to do just that, so play I did!  

Outdoor temperature was chilly.  Waterfall water temperature was sure to be cold, but something was calling me to play in the waters.  I wanted to swim and play.....until I saw the crayfish.  Or I should say "Michigan Lobsters".  

These things were swimming and scattering all over the rocky bottom of where I wanted to play.  Big.  Creepy.  Eerie. And so many!  But I  didn't let them stop me.  After stripping down to my bra and undies,  and screeching reluctantly for several minutes, I surveyed the water, reminded myself they likely were not going to hurt me, and took a dive right in.  (Seeing strangers approaching from up above also expedited my dip in the frigid water as they were on their way down and I was half naked.)

It was a quick dip, but it was a full dip indeed!  No crayfish got me and I emerged feeling victorious, proud, and rejuvenated.  As a cosmic reward, the sun begin to shine and miraculously the temperature spiked up to 75 keeping me warm on the hike back to the car.  One seldom regrets the things they do, but often regret the things they do not do.  I left this trail without any regrets.  Thanks to my lady for her photography and pep talk.  Not sure I would have done it without her undying support and encouragement.   

Our trip didn't stop there.   We visited a small, but beautiful cemetery where we wondered about those who passed, and enjoyed the beautiful vegetation and insects along the border.  Another stop in Ashland where I wanted to take another dip in Lake Superior, but opted against it while making plans to revisit in the very near future.

This was a wonderful, beautiful, day filled with spontaneous moments and mood lifting experiences.  Waterfalls are healing indeed. 

Sunday Reflection premier

Getting back into blogging is something that has been in the back of my mind for quite some time, and I even have sporadically blogged from time to time.  But I would like to blog even more.  Last night, Amy had a brilliant idea that I could blog on my Sundays at work as sort of a Sunday Reflection, which is also a lovely form of self care for me.   Once I finished all my office work for the day, I decided to do just that.  Over my lunch hour, of course!  

This is the result.

As many bloggers will tell you, one of the first blogs after not blogging for a while is usually about wanting to blog and not blogging.  This one is no exception.  I seem to be stuck with what I want to write about, or rather with what will flow out so that is always a good starting topic to help get unstuck.

Why am I stuck?  I don't know.  I think its because my own self judgment comes in and I get weirded out about what I am writing, how it will look, and what others will think.  Then, I reread some of my old blogs, and feel inspired, and actually get amazed that I was able to produce such posts.  How can I possibly keep producing worthwhile posts?  These are just rambling thoughts to ramble about to help my very first Biweekly Sunday Reflection.  

I like writing, and have yearnings to be an author.  Not really, but kind of.  A friend's husband of mine just cranked out a series of books, got them published and now they are selling on Amazon.  I think that is so cool! (I would read them, but they are so not my kind of genre....fictional military strategic risk type genre).   I don't really want to do that, but feel I am a writer in the depths of my soul.  My own judgment says I am not, but I heard a quote the other day that said, "If you write, you're a writer".  So write I shall.  And a writer I shall be.  

So I am at work.  Writing.  About nothing.  Just letting words flow from my head through my fingers, and I am hoping in time this will feel less clunky with more fluidity.  These few words that have been "penned" has taken me over 30 minutes to formulate.  

Sundays in the office are quiet.  Literally nobody else here right now.  As I sit in an office made for 7 people, I am farting audibly.  The other office area has one other person who did come in to share some funny, weird stories from her day.  After coming from 24  years in mental health, her funny, crazy stories pale in comparison.   Still, moving forward, Sundays will be a great day to dedicate some uninterrupted time to blog.  With more practice and opportunity, will come more clarity and ease.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go visit some dying people.  

Saying Goodbye

 My mom used to tell me a story about how she knew I was a sensitive person when I was watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon from a highchair as a baby.  I have no recollection of this, but apparently there is an episode where Tom and Jerry have to wave goodbye to a lion friend of theirs who is sailing away on a boat (or something like that).   Toddler me was crying/sobbing along with Tom and Jerry while proclaiming  "They will never see the lion again".  

I have always hated goodbyes.  They make me ugly-cry emotional.  The last day of Jr. high school was a hyperventilating sob fest (in my defense this was a time before cell phones and social media which made staying in contact with my friends a little more difficult).  Even simple goodbyes like leaving a gathering or work is awkward for me.  My brother has earned the nickname "Houdini" because he is known to just disappear from social engagements.  Though I am not quite that bad, I, too, have been known to just slip out so that I don't have to bid my farewells.  

So, when I was presented with the idea of having a going away party for work, I immediately turned it down by adamantly saying "no way!"  

Not only am I bad at goodbyes, but I also don't like being the center of attention.  My mom had to come fetch me from the comfort of my bedroom during my high school graduation party because I was holed up in there avoiding all the people. 

A going away party for myself is just about the worst possible circumstance I could find myself in.  But after giving it some thought, I have decided to have a small, simple goodbye.  

I need it for myself to honor the job...and the people...I have worked with, laughed with, cried with, wrestled with, for 24 years.  Its a big deal and one that deserves a proper goodbye.  Going to work in hospice, I am going to have to approach these emotionally difficult situations with goodbyes that are far more gut wrenching than leaving a job.  So approach I will.  

Watching a Barbara Walters special yesterday, there was a quote that said, "You never die as long as people say your name".  This brought about a little fear and sadness within me because people do not ever remember my name.   I will never forget my time on 3 MHU, and I am just hoping 3MHU does not forget my time there either.  In my personal life, I do not have many in my family who are younger than me to share memories and "keep me alive" once I am gone from this world.  My legacy will be in the lives I have touched through my work in mental health and now hospice.  All of the staff who I have worked along side for 24 years will have some sort of my influence just as I have theirs.  And with that, I know that some of what I brought to that unit will carry on which gives me some peace in knowing.  Even if my name is not remembered, my energy remains always.  

Scully Cat

 This post is about Scully Cat!

Not the best pictures because I am having trouble uploading the ones I want.  Also I am mad at her today so she will just have to settle for some sub par photos.

As I type this, she is crawling all over my lap, blocking my view from the screen, and laying on my arm to paralyze it from doing anything other than moving my fingers.  But those are not the reasons I am upset with her today.

See, Scully does not care about anything.  She will do as she pleases.  So this morning she woke me up by scratching at the bedroom door, which we keep closed to ensure better quality sleep.  For if we don't, Scully will walk upon our heads and perch herself on our sleeping bodies as though she owns us.  So our door is closed. In front of our door is a protective barrier for the carpet as Scully has tried to claw her way into the bedroom causing quite some damage to the carpet.  So, we have a heavy duty welcome mat, underneath an electric shock causing mat, held down by a large boulder.  Still, Scully manages to claw through that all to wake me up in the morning.  

In order to not positively reinforce me getting out of bed to feed her, I instead opened the door and squirted her with a squirt bottle.  She got doused today!  I kept squirting her and squirting her as she bolted around the living room like a little space invader target.  

So,  yeah, I am a little annoyed with her today.  

She does not respond to discipline.  So we ultimately just give up trying.  The only cat who is "allowed" on the table and counter is Scully.  We don't so much allow it as surrender to it.  Its a lot of effort to discipline for nothing.  She is a little naughty and an ultimate brat-cat much like Nermal from Garfield.

Poor Scully sometimes gets the nickname of "Garbage" because she is just an ordinary run-of-the-mill kind of cat.  Not as unique as our other two.  However, she is very endearing, gentle, and sweet.  She is the most friendly-to-human cat we have at the moment.  She gives good snuggles, on her terms only.  If she is snuggling in, and you happen to move....or breathe....wrong, she leaves.  She makes a great lap cat if you don't move or make any noises.  When she wants affection though, there is not much you can do but to give it to her.  She will crawl upon your shoulder, walk in front of your face, dance in circles on your lap until her needs are met.  

Scully is smart!  She learned how to do the high-five paw shake after watching Margie do it JUST ONE TIME!  Smart she may be, but she is also a very proud cat.  Going for stroller rides and doing dog tricks are beneath her, if you know what I mean.  You be an often find Scully sleeping in a freshly laundered basket of clothing or underneath a small table we have named “jail”.  

My morning anger with her has already subsided as she sat upon my lap purring the whole while I wrote this out.  She knows how to manipulate and act all cute to get in good graces.   

We love our Scully Cat and are very happy she is part of our family!