Healing is Happening

Its been almost 8 months since my Mom's death.  Many ups and downs and in betweens filled with sadness, anxiety, and even some moments of happiness.  For almost 8 months, I have kept her ashes with me, still in the double bagged, double boxed container provided by the cremation society.  Her remains resided in the front porch of my house up until this past Memorial Day weekend.

It just happened.  It just felt right.  Ready.

After spreading just a few in my newly created memorial garden (and keeping a smidgen in a trinket box for myself inside the house), I brought the remaining ashes to be spread in some special spots.  (By the way, human "ashes" are not ash-like.  Its more of a sandy consistency much different that I imagined it to be.  And, yes, there are clear granules of bone.  But I digress...)

First stop was Mom's house to sprinkle her in the backyard where two aunts and my uncle are also sprinkled.  I took Missy and Tiki out back with me, let them sniff the bag containing the ashes and begun sprinkling her around.  However, it was not much of a sprinkle, and was more like an accidental "dump" leaving behind a white, sand-like mound (which I ran over with the lawn mower the following day).

So that was not very....sentimental.  But the next place was a very spiritual experience which is the one I will remember and the one that prompted me to blog.

Tiki and I next went to the "park".  Keene Creek. Where Mom, the dogs, and I spent nearly every single warm summer evening.  Our special place where I can still SEE her presence if I think about it long enough.

Instead of dumping the ashes, I opened the bag and just let the wind take them where they may.  In doing so, I inadvertently breathed some of the dust in causing me to cough.  My mom is now a part of me.  Within me. Which is very cool.

Carrying the bag, I headed down a path leading to a bridge we would frequent.  It was then that I had this strong sense that Mom was walking down that path, hand in hand, with me at that moment.  Once I reached the bridge, I sprinkled a little more of her.  While doing so, I heard this moaning sound in my ear unlike a sound I have heard the wind make.  At the time, I didn't pay close attention to it, but it was afterwards that I realized the significance.  I wish I would have taken that in a little longer, but its still a cool experience.  My experience.

Next stop was the cemetery where my aunt, uncle, and grandparents are buried.  I have never seen their resting place or their headstones before.

My Aunt Catherine and her Husband who were killed in a car accident before I was born.

My Maternal grandparents and Uncle Jack.

    

The remainder of my mom's ashes were dispersed between these two headstones.  It was quite emotional for me to happen upon the grave sites.  I think just seeing their names, permanently etched, gave me this feeling of.....peace.

And now I can visit the cemetery as often as I want and know that my mom is there too.  And how cool is it that her permanent "stone" now resides in my backyard in my Memorial Garden?  Quite cool.  

Its still not easy, and moments are still quite unbearable.  But healing is happening.

Memorial Garden

Mother's Day has come and gone.  This year, somber and sad, but yet one of honor and remembrance.  I have wanted to create a memorial of some kind for my mom since she was cremated not requiring a headstone or cemetery.  For me, it was important to have her name etched in something permanent, something/some place I could visit to feel close to her.  So I ordered a personalized garden stepping stone online with plans to make a memorial garden in my yard.  After transferring her bleeding heart plant, along with her birdbath, the garden was pretty much what I had envisioned.

I also spread some of her ashes around the bleeding hearts, and I believe, this helped them bloom and survive so beautifully.  Its a perfect garden.  A perfect place.