Time Marches On

Its been about 3 1/2 years since my mom passed.  Some days, I still have a huge wave of sadness wash over me, especially when I have a bit of happy news to share.

Or sad news.
Or when I am bored.
Or when I hear a song that reminds me of her.
Or when I see a commercial I know she would hate.
Or when I watch a TV show we used to watch together.
 Or when......

You get the idea.

My mom was my person.  She was the one person who completely got me.  An unspoken comfort.

Safe.  So safe.

It is so hard to put into words the emptiness I feel, and even though time is marching on, some days I feel like the grief is still so raw.  I came here to blog, but find myself completely stuck to accurately put down in words how I feel.

I just miss her.

Family Dinner

July 24th would have been my parents' 49th wedding Anniversary.  My dad was having a hard time around this date (even though they never spent their Anniversarys together).  Still, it was another milestone.  Another first.  Another absence noticed.

So, we decided to have a family dinner out at a restaurant with the whole family, including significant others and Dorie.  Even when Mom was alive, we never all got together at a restaurant before.  She would have enjoyed that.  Days prior to the dinner, I was kind of dreading it knowing it would likely be just a drunken dinner filled with anger, sadness, and worry about how the drunks are going to get home safely.  Well, to my surprise, dinner was very pleasant.  Few memories were shared as well as some laughs.  It was nice.  Nicer still that Dad bought all of our meals.

There was one very noticeable empty chair.  Like for real.  There were 7 of us all together (Jim brought his girlfriend), and we were seated at a table for 8.  So there was a very prominent empty chair, and it was right next to me.  Right where Mom would have been sitting.  Or maybe she was sitting there.  Maybe the chair was empty as a reminder that even though she was not there physically with us, she was there in spirit.  At least that is what I would like to believe.

Healing is Happening

Its been almost 8 months since my Mom's death.  Many ups and downs and in betweens filled with sadness, anxiety, and even some moments of happiness.  For almost 8 months, I have kept her ashes with me, still in the double bagged, double boxed container provided by the cremation society.  Her remains resided in the front porch of my house up until this past Memorial Day weekend.

It just happened.  It just felt right.  Ready.

After spreading just a few in my newly created memorial garden (and keeping a smidgen in a trinket box for myself inside the house), I brought the remaining ashes to be spread in some special spots.  (By the way, human "ashes" are not ash-like.  Its more of a sandy consistency much different that I imagined it to be.  And, yes, there are clear granules of bone.  But I digress...)

First stop was Mom's house to sprinkle her in the backyard where two aunts and my uncle are also sprinkled.  I took Missy and Tiki out back with me, let them sniff the bag containing the ashes and begun sprinkling her around.  However, it was not much of a sprinkle, and was more like an accidental "dump" leaving behind a white, sand-like mound (which I ran over with the lawn mower the following day).

So that was not very....sentimental.  But the next place was a very spiritual experience which is the one I will remember and the one that prompted me to blog.

Tiki and I next went to the "park".  Keene Creek. Where Mom, the dogs, and I spent nearly every single warm summer evening.  Our special place where I can still SEE her presence if I think about it long enough.

Instead of dumping the ashes, I opened the bag and just let the wind take them where they may.  In doing so, I inadvertently breathed some of the dust in causing me to cough.  My mom is now a part of me.  Within me. Which is very cool.

Carrying the bag, I headed down a path leading to a bridge we would frequent.  It was then that I had this strong sense that Mom was walking down that path, hand in hand, with me at that moment.  Once I reached the bridge, I sprinkled a little more of her.  While doing so, I heard this moaning sound in my ear unlike a sound I have heard the wind make.  At the time, I didn't pay close attention to it, but it was afterwards that I realized the significance.  I wish I would have taken that in a little longer, but its still a cool experience.  My experience.

Next stop was the cemetery where my aunt, uncle, and grandparents are buried.  I have never seen their resting place or their headstones before.

My Aunt Catherine and her Husband who were killed in a car accident before I was born.

My Maternal grandparents and Uncle Jack.

    

The remainder of my mom's ashes were dispersed between these two headstones.  It was quite emotional for me to happen upon the grave sites.  I think just seeing their names, permanently etched, gave me this feeling of.....peace.

And now I can visit the cemetery as often as I want and know that my mom is there too.  And how cool is it that her permanent "stone" now resides in my backyard in my Memorial Garden?  Quite cool.  

Its still not easy, and moments are still quite unbearable.  But healing is happening.

Memorial Garden

Mother's Day has come and gone.  This year, somber and sad, but yet one of honor and remembrance.  I have wanted to create a memorial of some kind for my mom since she was cremated not requiring a headstone or cemetery.  For me, it was important to have her name etched in something permanent, something/some place I could visit to feel close to her.  So I ordered a personalized garden stepping stone online with plans to make a memorial garden in my yard.  After transferring her bleeding heart plant, along with her birdbath, the garden was pretty much what I had envisioned.

I also spread some of her ashes around the bleeding hearts, and I believe, this helped them bloom and survive so beautifully.  Its a perfect garden.  A perfect place.

BitterSweet Spring

Spring in the Northland is always so anticipated and welcomed.  This year is no exception.  After months of one of the coldest and snowiest winters on record, Spring is slowly approaching with signs of renewal and rebirth.  Longer, sunnier days are busting their way through the dark gloom of winter lifting the spirits of most everyone.

As the city grows happier and lighter, I can't help but feel a little darker and more sad in some ways.  For me, this year, Spring means something a little different.

Its moving forward, yes, but with the biggest void that just seems to grow bigger with each passing day. As nature becomes born again, my mom's lifeless yard will be a constant reminder that she is gone.  It will be a summer minus our much treasured evening walks at the park with the dogs....Minus our annual trip for Mother's Day flowers, this year instead being replaced with a scattering of her ashes.

The blanket of a snowy winter was like a band aid over the deep wound of my grief.  Somehow covering the sadness, or at least giving me an excuse to hole up in the house.  It is not unusual for me to be in my pajamas ready for bed by 6:00 PM (even earlier some days).   As the band aid is slowly melting, the expectation to be out in the world is increased.  The juxtaposition does not escape me that all of the life surrounding me is a reminder of death.

Its been 5 months today.  Five months.  Some days it feels like yesterday, and others feels like 10 years.  My sadness ebbs and flows, sometimes just sneaking up on me without warning.  The positive days are beginning to outweigh the negative now, and part of me is simply not ready to be done grieving.  I want to miss her and to cry for her.  And to remember her.  I want to feel excited again.  To feel hopeful again.

I'm confident I will get there.

In time.

And Even More Signs

In addition to all the animal signs that have been showing up, my mom's name has been an ever prevalent force in my life since her passing.  Its incredible all the signs that I am experiencing.  My mom's name IS Charlotte (I almost typed "was Charlotte", but then I realized that my mom's name will always be Charlotte.  her name IS Charlotte!).

The first book I read following my mom's death, the names Charlotte and Doris were mentioned obscurely on one page of the book.  My aunt's name is Doris and my mom and aunt were two of the best friends ever.

Another book.  Another mention of the name Charlotte.  Again, just a random mention of someone who has nothing to do with the story on one random page.  Just popped up in the reading.

My current book has a mom named Charlotte.  This time a main character in the story.

Then I was surfing the web and came across a story about a little girl named Charlotte.

Just last week, I walked into work and there on the table was a whole bunch of books that were donated to the kids.  The most prominent book, the one facing me, the one on top....."Charlotte's Web".

Then the one moment that brought be to tears.  A very spontaneous trip happened to fall into my lap.  I'm heading to Florida in just 2 weeks to Cape Coral where I will be renting a house belonging to a coworker of mine.  While researching the area, I discover there is a Charlotte Harbor there and I happen to know there exists a "Holmes Beach" as well.

All of this coupled with all of those animals signs is way beyond coincidental.  Way beyond.

Signs

In order of appearance:

A butterfly.  In the freezing fall.  Flitting around my head.  Not once, but twice.

A ladybug.  On my stove.  Crawling towards me.

A bald Eagle.  At the "park"...our "park".  Swooshing down from a tree.  Right in front of me, nearly touching the ground.  Up and Away it flew.

A bald Eagle.  On the side of the road.  In a tree.  Sitting all majestic.  On my Birthday.

A fox.  On the frozen Lake.  In the heart of the city.  At the most populated place.  At the most special time.

A red Cardinal bird.  On my deck.  Just hours after talking about loving cardinals, how rare they are, and how I haven't seen one in years.  ON MY BACK DECK!

Could it be signs from beyond?  I'd like to think so.  Signs she is near to me.  Now and always.

Whisked Away

Whisk...she got sick.
Whisk....she went to the hospital
Whisk....she went to surgery
Whisk....she is on a vent
Whisk....she develops a rare flesh eating bacteria
Whisk....she is gone