Spring Has Sprung

Spring has sprung once again here in the Northland.  Its supposed to be a time of excitement and renewed energy.  Days are longer, warmer, and happier.  Nature is lighter, brighter, and full of movement.

I'm not sure what the heck happens to me during this time of year, but when the world is coming alive, I start freaking out.  Spring is a time of great anxiety for me.  Perhaps its change.  Change and I do not get along, and my brain tends to think the worst is about to happen with any change that presents itself.

For me, Spring equals IMPENDING DOOM.  Its an increase of expectations to be a part of the world.  Gone is the comfort of being wrapped up in electric blankets.  Gone is the excuse to remain inside hunkered down "because its too cold out" (even though I spend a lot of time outside in the winter).  For me, there is a bit of comfort in having the sun go down at 5:00 in the evening and having a blanket of snow covering the ground.  We had a late season snowstorm just a week ago, and man, I felt a peace come over me.  It felt relaxed and right.

When I hear people talk about the joy and excitement that Spring and Summer bring to them, it makes me question what the heck is wrong with me.  Though there are many many aspects of the warmer seasons that I look forward to, anxiety overshadows it all with a black cloud of fear.  Fear of what I do not know exactly.  I feel almost.......lonely?

As a way to combat all of this anxiety, below is a list of activities that I am looking forward to participate in during the next few months.
Reading in the sunshine
Biking
Kayaking
yard work
bonfires
picking up garbage on the side of the road (a favorite pastime of mine)
beach days
swimming
walks by the river
hikes
sleeping with the windows open (even though I do this year round)
grilling out
mowing the lawn
Camping

Yes, there is much to look forward to.  Only the thing is, I am not looking forward to ANY of that.

I AM

So, I have heard it said that if you tell yourself something enough times, you will come to believe it.  My mind has been filled with some negative self talk lately, and I am trying to retrain my brain into believing positive affirmations.  Several times a day I go through the alphabet and tell myself one positive trait that starts with each letter of the alphabet.  The following are traits that I want to acquire and nurture within myself.
I AM
Accepting
Beautiful
Confident (some days this is calm)
Devoted (or determined)
Encouraging (some days this is energized)
Flexible
Gracious
Honest (some days this is happy)
Independent
Joyful
Kind
Loving
Motivated
Nice
Open Minded
Peaceful
Quiet
Relaxed
Strong
TRUSTING (the one I need to work on the most)
Understanding
Vulnerable
Welcoming
Xciting
Youthful
Zany

My hope is, is that if I say this to myself often enough, I will come to BE all of these traits.  Some take a bit more effort than others, but each are ones I want to nurture.

I AM.