With the addition of our sweet Meeka comes a whole other level of crazy pet owner. In the rare event that we ever leave our home and our animals in the hands of someone we trust (which is very few!), they will be greeted with the biggest manual imaginable with all the idiosyncrasies our little lovelies require. Grab yourself a cup of coffee to read just a few of the cautionary blurbs for caring for our three spoiled cats and one dog who is actually a Princess.
Keep your coffee cup out of reach as Scully seems to be a coffee addict and will eagerly lap out of your cup. Oh yeah, your toothbrush is even more alluring for her.
Keep a small puddle of water in the bathtub for both Scully and Franklin to drink out of. Their lovely water fountain is not good enough for either of them.
Keep all felt materials out of reach. Meeka likes to include felt as part of her regular diet.
Cat turds are also the tastiest treat Meeka can find so keep a tidy litter box lest you want to play a game of "catch-me-if-you-can" while she gnaws on some tasty turds. The fresher and smellier, the better!
For some reason, the dog won't eat food out of her bowl...so you must make mealtimes into a game. Hide her kibble in any kind of dog toy or snuffle mat to ensure she is getting adequate nutrition. Cat turds won't cut it.
Also, the dog won't sleep unless she is laying on your lap. If this occurs, you are stuck in one spot until she decides she has slept long enough. Actually, this is true for all the pets.
Franklin doesn't eat food. Though is the heaviest of all of our animals. He prefers plastic anyway. Never leave plastic bags of any kind laying around. Franklin has the sniffiest sniffer for plastic and will bust into locked drawers to swallow some of that slippery goodness.
Margie has an affinity for rubbing her poopy butt on her toilet paper, which doubles as our carpeting. To minimize this, take a warm, wet washcloth and give her bottom a nice bath. Don't worry, she will howl for hours on end in the bathroom until this is accomplished. Oh yeah, this is her private time so make sure no other animal is nearby.
Speaking of Margie, she has intense rage sometimes. Just give her her "kicking burrito" or banana so she can take her aggressions out on that. It helps.
Meeka likes to eat anything that she isn't supposed to have. Her favorites are hair ties and rubber mats. Each night, allow Meeka to take your hair tie out of your hair and hold it in her mouth. Pretend like she isn't supposed to do that, though. Then, try to take it out of her mouth while giving her far more authority than she deserves. Wiggle the hair tie free and then give her smooches. As for the rubber mats, your solution is as good as ours.
Every evening after dark, it is "red light time". Don't worry if you forget this...Meeka will be sure to let you know when it is time to take her outside and have her chase the red laser light that she will never be able to catch or touch.
Feeding time is a whole book in and of itself. In the mornings, feed dog first in her kennel so that the cats can eat in peace. Dish Franklin up some food even though he won't eat it. After cats are fed, let Meeka out of her kennel so that she can run around and lick all the bowls. On Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, put a capsule of glucosamine in both Margie's and Scully's food.
Before bed, fill the cat crunchies up while making sure Meeka gets some "accidentally dropped" cat foods. Keep crunchy cat food on table. Then, bring dog to bed. Then, exit the bedroom to find Margie sitting with a panicked look on her face thinking you forgot to feed her. Then, quietly put previously filled crunchy bowl on the floor so Margie can eat her carefully measured out portion (even though she eats at will throughout the day). Now you may reenter the bedroom where dog is and finally go to sleep. Unless you are startled awake by the sound of honking geese or cats trying to bust their way into the bedroom. See below:
Use the sound machine to drown out the sounds of incredibly loud geese and minor cat scratchings on the door. If cats scratch excessively, put in place the spikey moat while using caution so you don't get impaled by stepping on it when you have to use the bathroom while half asleep.
Scully can pretty much do whatever she wants. It is wasted energy to try to get her to comply.
This sums up the gist of how we rearrange our life to make our furry critters happy and comfortable.
Please submit your resume complete with cover letter and 10 references, and give thanks that you don't have to puff Tino with an inhaler twice a day everyday.
