Meet Franklin

Meet Franklin!  Also known as Mr. Bojangles, Globetrotter, Mr. Long Legs, LL Bean (Long Legged Boyfriend), Frankly.

He is a dream come true.  Found on Craig's list, Franklin is the answer to my prayers.  For several months, we had been searching for our snowshoe siamese "Tino cat".  Franklin is a snowshoe/ragdoll siamese mix and he couldn't be more perfect.  He came with his name of Franklin, and it seemed to fit so it stuck.  His litter was named after presidents, so he donned the name Franklin...as in Franklin Pierce (I didn't even know we had a president by that name.......).

Once Amy found him on Craig's list, I knew I had to arrange a way to get him.  Immediately I contacted the person and arranged to meet in Minneapolis the following day. Amy had to work, so Dorie went along for the ride and was my cat snuggler on the way home.  It was a fun, relaxing, and exciting day.  

Franklin is a very independent and mellow little fellow.  He arrived home and owned it.  Confident and sure....just like Tino.  I must admit, I was not head over heels in love right away, and dare I even admit I had a little bit of disappointment in coming to see that he was indeed NOT Tino.  I found myself comparing Franklin to Tino both in physical appearance and in behavior.  Internal reminders occurred daily to remind myself that he was his own little guy, that he was Franklin.  In addition, I was also hoping that Franklin would fill up my heart that seemed to be void of love...both coming in and going out.  And for the first few days/weeks, I came up empty.

Now that his little personality is developing so is our attachment and my obsession.  He still likes to "suckle" and attempts to nurse on our chest, neck and arms even giving a hickey a time or two!  He is playful, independent, and determined.  A gentle long legged little man!  He does not like to snuggle too much and prefers to sleep on his own...much to my dismay.   I'm hoping that will change and I encourage him to sleep on my lap any chance I can get.  After all, he has only been here a month or so and I can't expect us to have a deep bond in such a short time. 

Franklin has elicited an awakening of my heart.  I'm so curious to see who he becomes, who I become, and how our journey unfolds.  For me, Tino is the epitome of Love while Franklin represents Hope for all the goodness that is to come!  

Welcome Home, Fwankwin!!

Tiny Monster

 April of 2020 was a definite start of a very strange and scary adventure of sorts.  It started with a weird rash that landed me at the doctor's office with a diagnosis of "chiggers".   Chiggers are not known in these parts so it was a bit bizarre to hear.  That followed with a very strange list of symptoms.

• Severe bloat (I looked like I was 7 months pregnant...I'm not even exaggerating)
• Indigestion...belchy
• severe gag reflex, which was sometimes exercise induced, but was triggered by anything being near my mouth, or even the thought of it being near my mouth.
• Anorexia (see above)
• Nausea with sometimes productive vomit
• intense heart palpitations that you could see through my clothing, and that I could feel throughout my entire body.  
• Intense anxiety unlike what I have ever experienced before.  
• Jittery, shakey, tingles in my hands
• short of breath that led me unable to walk even down to the mailbox.  Sometimes I struggled to even walk to the bathroom.  
• Hard to stand for long periods of time
• Extreme fatigue that even prevented me from brushing my teeth.  I had to lean on the counter to prop my arm up enough to be able to brush my teeth.
• very dizzy
• noise sensitivity
• light headedness
• an extreme headache that later lessened to just a dull headache
• thirst
• extreme coldness that I sought out the bathtub several times a day to remedy
• extreme sweats mostly at night
• a "loud" brain..."brain on fire".   Paranoia
• Stomach discomfort, gassy
• exercise intolerance
• all the color in my face drained away and I became grey 
• thinning hair
• brain fog

 This list is not comprehensive.  It is easy to write, but it was very difficult to experience.  Despite having all these symptoms, I did not really believe I was sick.  Amy kept telling me I was sick, and I just dismissed it all as being anxiety.  Finally, after noticing the lack of normal stamina I had at work, I decided I needed to visit the doctor.   He was certain I had a tick borne illness, but even then, I tried to convince my doctor that "I was just anxious".   He ordered some blood tests (among several other tests: heart echo, CT, MRI, etc), and lo and behold, I had Lyme disease.  Tears of happiness and hope fell with the  relief to have a diagnosis that was "easily" treatable with antibiotics.  

What I didn't know at the time was that I was about to embark upon a foreign journey of illness for a year and a half.  Just now am I starting to feel more like my before Lyme self.  Before I venture into my personal experience with Lyme, let me just take a moment to share what I came to learn about the disease itself.  

Lyme disease is spread by a teeny tiny deer tick.  The size of the head of a needle.  The bacteria from deer tick gets into the bloodstream, but because it is a spirochete, it burrows into the muscles, fibers, and cells of the body.  It is a relative of Syphilis, but Lyme is 3 times smarter than Syphilis.  Often Lyme is called the "great imitator" because it takes on the symptoms of basically any illness.  At one point, I was being checked out for ovarian cancer, and then later for MS.  Because Lyme burrows in so deep, it can lay dormant until a moment of stress happens, then BAM! it shows up again.  

The craziest thing I came to learn is that Lyme disease itself is not recognized by main stream medicine.  Main Stream believes that Lyme can be treated and cured with a few weeks worth of antibiotics.  What main stream does not believe, is that it stays in the system to make reappearances possibly forever.  Since the CDC does not recognize it, to be treated for it requires a specialist that is not covered by insurances.  I found a specialist who practices about an hour from me so I drove to her to get the help I so desperately needed.  Seven months of crazy high doses of antibiotics (3200 mg daily) later, and I am hopeful for health once again.  At one point, I was taking over 20 pills a day!  Oh, and I was drinking volcanic ash to help detox.  

I am going to try my best to capture my experience with this disease.  All of those physical symptoms of this disease is nothing compared to the mental torture I experienced.  I had two main bouts of Lyme disease.  The first one, I was more physically ill.  The headache I had was unlike anything I have experienced before or since.  The pain was excruciating requiring me to use two ice packs, one on the back of my head, one of the front.  I literally could feel the bacteria climbing the back of my neck into my brain.  My first bout last almost two months.  Three weeks of antibiotics later, I thought I was done with Lyme.  

But I never felt completely better.  My mental health suffered greatly.   My relationship was affected immensely.  Stress was at at all time high, and like I said, stress brings about a lyme flare up.   Just before Christmas I had my second bout of Lyme.  This time, it was more mentally debilitating.  Best I can describe it is "I have rabies".  My brain felt like what I would imagine a rabid dog to experience.  Noise was very irritating, uncomfortable, and made me edgy.  The disease settled in my nervous system.  Infected my entire body, including my brain.  My brain!  Essentially I had a nervous breakdown.  

Anxiety was ever present and thoughts were uncontrollable.  I became paranoid.  My thoughts were so uncharacteristic of myself that I questioned if I had to be locked up somewhere.  I struggled to know what was real, still not completely accepting I was as sick as I was.  It felt as though I had a completely foreign being overtaking my body, and I guess I kind of did!  Several times, I felt as though who I was as a person was stuck somewhere deep inside the center of my stomach, and a dark force was acting on my behalf.  There were times where I was uncontrollably sobbing on the living room floor.  During these times, I felt like my soul was not present.  Unreachable.  I was trapped inside.  

I sought out the help of the lyme specialist and got on another round of high dose antibiotics.  There was an internal war going on in my body.  Bacteria vs antibiotics.  Both wanting to win desperately.  Taking antibiotics for Lyme is like detoxing.  One becomes sicker before they get better because the antibiotics are pulling the bacteria out from hiding in order to attack it.  Another month and half of physical illness left me disheartened and hopeless for a healthy future.  

Depression set it.  Unable to use my main coping skill of exercise, depression and anxiety were overtaking me.  Fast.  I lost any motivation I had left.  Panic attacks were present.  I felt disconnected from myself.  Disconnected from life.  Disconnected from everything.  "Lets get a dog!" I thought.  And we did.  Only that was not the brightest decision.  More stress.  More heartache when we ultimately decided to remedy that decision by rehoming the pup we fell in love with (see prior post).  

Fast forward to today.  One and a half years after my original lyme diagnosis, seven months of antibiotic use later, one trial of an antidepressant later, I am finally coming back from the depths of darkness.  Self care, proper nutrition, and stress reduction are key to continue to battle any bacteria that may still be present.  I'm hopeful that my lengthy and aggressive antibiotic treatment was enough to eradicate any and all of the illness.  Time will tell.  

I struggled to capture just how invasive this disease was for me, but I wanted to write this post so I can throw out my lyme disease folder of notes.  Here is to leaving illness behind while moving forward in wellness!  

Jovie

 Ever since I saw the movie Elf, I have always said that if I ever had a baby girl, I would name her Jovie after Buddy the Elf's girlfriend.  Well, I can't have kids so a puppy was a pretty decent consolation prize.  Naturally we named her Jovie.  

An adorable, cute, precocious, and smart little girl from Texas.  The story about how we got her is a little comical now that it is all said and done, but experiencing it was a little anxiety inducing.  I was in the midst of a Lyme flare-up and we thought this little Punkin would help me get through some of my toughest days.  We got her in the middle of a frigid Northland double-digit below zero cold snap.  At midnight.  In a dark parking lot on the side of the road.  From a  transport van.  Since we had not seen her in person, we had a lot of trepidation on what would be handed to us, especially since the first dog off the van was a three legged german shepherd.  Perhaps that was an omen.

Jovie was handed to me wrapped in a blanket of piss pads since her kennel mate had shit all over the kennel leaving Jovie covered in poop.  But she was perfect and I fell in love almost instantly.  I had my baby girl named Jovie.  

The first few days were challenging, as it is with any new baby.  I loved it.  Waking up in the wee hours of the night to bring a tiny puppy outside in the coldest of colds filled my heart.  Like no joke.  I embraced it, cherished it, and felt like I had a real baby for a while.  Though caring for Jovie was filling my heart, it was affecting my health.  My sleep was impacted, my mental health was impacted, and Jovie seemed to be growing right before our very eyes.  

Everyday we would wake up, and Jovie was bigger, taller, smarter.   We were very up front and adamant that we were interested in a small to medium size dog....20-30 lbs max.  Well, by 2 months old, Jovie was closer to 40 lbs than she was to 30.  At 2 months old, we were struggling to take her for walks for her sheer size and power.  

In addition to her size, she just really wanted to be with other dogs; she loved other dogs so much!  For a brief while, we considered getting a second dog just to make this first one happy, but we really did not want a second dog.  In fact, we were having doubts about this one.  Jovie's eyes just did not seem happy.  I would look into her eyes and see that she wanted more activity and stimulation.  Poor Jovie ended up with two old ladies looking for a lap dog, and she was an active spirit.  She was super smart and would have made a perfect police dog as she just cherished the times when we would do obedience training with her. 

Oh, and did I mention she bit me?  She was a mouthy, nippy puppy and seemed to have an underlying aggressive streak.  We became fearful to discipline her as she would challenge us.   Once we got her DNA results of half pit bull followed second by German Shepherd, our fears multiplied.  All those Judge Judy court cases about pit bulls did not sit well with either one of us, and we realized that having this dog was a huge liability.  Dreams of walking her off leash were crushed.  Dreams of having my baby girl were also diminishing as we were questioning if we could safely keep her, control her, and she just didn't seem happy.

After much heartache we ultimately decided that Jovie was not the best match for us.  Deciding to rehome Jovie was a very difficult and emotional decision, but was ultimately the right one.  She is now in the most perfect home for her with a canine sibling, horses, and a very active young couple.  

We get updates on her frequently and I even got to meet up with them.  Seeing her again after several months put a bit of closure on the whole ordeal for me, and left me with no regrets.  She is living her best life, is very loved, and seems happy.

So many lessons to be had from this brief encounter with a spunky pup.  First, I have always judged people who have rehomed their pets.  I thought it was deplorable to do so, but now I see that there are circumstances that make rehoming necessary.  Who am I to judge someone else's circumstances?  I had to work through a lot of guilt and shame over making the decision to rehome Jovie, but it is a decision I have no doubt in my head was the right one to make.  Second, Jovie reminded me that animals, and people, have an innate way of being that is something that cannot be trained out of them.  I wear a scar on my chin and a scar on my wrist from Jovie as a daily reminder of this lesson. And Third, in the future if a pup is to come into our home, we will meet her first.  Get a feel for the personality.  Make the connection with the eyes.  Feel the energy.  

 I am very grateful for the time we had with Jovie, though, I am happy to not have the responsibility of having a dog.  Still, my need for a baby is still strong so we are in the market for another snowshoe siamese kitten.  Perhaps a dog will be in our future yet, but that journey will be handled with a little more wisdom.

Flowing

 If you know me, you probably know that I don't always flow too well.  Routine, schedules, and accomplishing tasks are my mission.  Allowing the day to just happen spontaneously, especially where work is concerned, is a bit of a challenge sometimes.  I go into most days with expectations of how I would like to see the day go:  with a clear cut plan.  It gives me a sense of control and predictability.  

This past week, I have found myself "flowing" more.  A planned bike ride date did not go as planned.  But the alternative was so much better than the original idea!  When the agenda changed, the result was adventuring on never before seen roads followed by a stunning trail ride.   Stone bridges, frogs and crawfish, rocks, clear water, and a shaded canopy on a very hot day was our reward.  Alongside us the entire time, flowed a beautiful, babbling brook.  A perfect reminder to go with the flow.  

Another flowing moment this past week involved a party I was super anxious to attend.  One that I had initially declined to attend at all.  But the day of the party arrived, and I decided to baby-step it.  Step one: "Yes, I will drive you to the party, but I am going to drop you off at the end of the driveway and come back home".  Step two:  "I am committed to going to the party just to say Happy Birthday, then I am going back home".  Step three:  "I will stay for 1/2 hour, but probably not any longer than that".  Step four:  All in! Turned out to be a super fun time including meeting new people, laughing, and dancing around a fire.  Breaking out of my comfort zone empowered me by challenging old, avoidant habits.  Sounds kind of silly, but I was proud of myself for allowing the day to unfold naturally.  All I had to do was show up and it just kind of took care of itself.  

Today at work, I flowed some more.   Leading/teaching several groups throughout the day sometimes causes me anxiety.  As a way to curb that anxiety, I like to go in to each group session with a clear cut plan.  Or two.  Its wise to have a Plan A and a Plan B so that if one is not going well, the other can be the savior.  Sometimes, I have even rehearsed what I want to say or how I want the group to go.  Today, I did none of that.  After having been off for a while and not knowing the kids too well, I decided to just see what happens.  No plan A, no plan B.  In fact, I had no plans at all.  And guess what?  All was just fine.  Fun even.  Sometimes the greatest lessons  happen during those unplanned moments where conversations and experiences happen naturally.   Both for the kids, and for myself.  Yes, flowing.  

One more example is this here post.  I didn't really want to blog tonight because the topics I have planned out  are either not inspiring for me or require a bit too much brain power that I don't have access to at the moment.  So, I just started to write and here I am flowing again.  I have even had to  suspend my own judgement on my writing and on my posts so that I am able to flow once again.  Tonight, I am writing, flowing, and seeing what happens. 

Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for planning.   Though, when I  remember to just let life happen, it feels good, and good things seem to happen.  It isn't always perfect nor do I expect it to be.   Within the imperfect parts of life there exists a beauty that would otherwise go unseen, adventures that would otherwise go un-experienced, and lessons that would otherwise go unlearned.  

For now, I shall relish in the contentment that comes with allowing life to unfold on its own terms.  

Peace.  

 

Back at it

After a long hiatus, I am hoping to get back into blogging again. Its been so long, and I am out of practice, out shape, and out of brain power. In time, I am hoping to exercise all of those things and resume some blogging. Forgive this rusty post as I reach into the trenches to put words together in an attempt to make some sort of sense. Its been a challenging year. Personally. Nationally. Globally. Throughout the struggles, I kind of lost myself which has prompted me to reignite some of my passions, creativity, and hobbies. This is a start. Not sure where this will take me, but that is what a journey is all about, right? 

 So it is only fitting, that on this day, I attempt to spark my blogging interest again. You see, this is the one year Anniversary of the death of my beloved Tino. Tino is the namesake of this blog, the light in a dark time, and the epitome of love: even in death. One whole year without him, but not a day goes by that I don't think about him. In addition to his puffing needs, Tino had all sorts of funny quirks that could either make us smile or make us irate. He loved plastic bags! Like for real, he could sniff those plastic bags from a mile away. His favorite type of plastic were those flimsy produce bags and it was certainly taboo to place grocery bags on the floor while waiting to be put away. He would chomp those bags so fast! Pulling the bag from his quick little mouth was a feat; the more we pulled the bag from him, the quicker he would try to chomp it. Sometimes, we pulled the bag from deep in his throat as he was trying to swallow it down real fast. Bags are free to be on the floor these days. 

 More than bags, Tino LOVED coconut oil. This was his favorite ever! He would sit on the edge of the bathroom sink while Amy took a shower and just holler in his grumbly little meow until he got a lick of his delicious "cokey oil". He was relentless in his persistence. All it took was one little lick, and he was satisfied. Showers are a lot quieter these days. 

 Meal times also brought out his relentless persistence. One bite from each different component on the plate was all it took for him to be satisfied and let us eat in peace. It didn't matter what it was, he just wanted to be included to have a sample of whatever we were having. Chicken was probably his favorite snack, but he enjoyed just about anything. Meal times are a little different these days. 

 Shoulder rides! He loved riding on our shoulders and having rides throughout the house. His long, lanky limbs hung over the shoulder while he sniffed various objects on the walls. He could have ridden on our shoulders all day long had we let him. He also loved to hold hands or be touching skin. Often he would sleep up by head while my hand touched his. Purring all the while, of course. The most perfect lullaby. My shoulder is extra cold these days while my lullaby is silent. 

 He was always underfoot begging for food or love. He just wanted to be included in whatever we were doing. I would get so mad when I would trip over him! Tino had his own theme song that Amy gave to him. When he walked across the room, we would sing "ba dum ba dum, ba dum, ba dum ba dum", in a slow, low cadence that matched his slow meandering walk. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to sing to him one last time.

 So much more to say about him, but since I am blogging again, I will save some more for another post. 

 Though he can never ever be replaced, we are searching for another snowshoe siamese. A rare breed. I am eager to see what qualities are shared with my best buddy ever while coming to appreciate new and different quirks from my next furry friend. Well, that is a wrap for now. 

 Not the most poignant or cohesive of posts, but one that simply celebrated my Valentino.