Well I did it. I took the leap! I officially accepted the position of the bereavement coordinator and will be leaving the job I have loved for 24 years. Well, I probably loved it for about 20 years. The past four years or so, I have tolerated it.
Seriously though, each day at work has been difficult for me. Claustrophobic, tedious, repetitive, old, boring. Sure it is "easy money" and I still hope I made the right decision as I will be working quite a bit more than I am now. Two more days a pay period more. Even more if you count the days I currently give up to another worker or call in. And lets face it, on those days I do give up, I don't really spend those days in any meaningful way....video games, television, maybe some housework. Always justified because I "need to rest". Perhaps I need to rest because my job sucks the life out of me leaving me nothing worthwhile on my days off.
When I look into the future with my new position, I see vibrant colors and blooming flowers of all kinds. When I look into the future for my current job, I see a dull flat line. Grey. There is nothing left for me to really learn at my current job, and, in fact, it seems as though my responsibilities are diminishing. Hence my decision. A coworker, upon hearing my news, cautioned me against leaving. Advised me to "Just take it one day at time, go inside yourself, and stay in your own lane". Well, I don't want to take life one day at a time in the way this is meant. Its slowly killing me....killing my spirit and my light. I started counting how many shifts I had left until I could retire at over 3,000 shift. I am down to 2,657 shifts, but that number has drastically decreased now that I officially accepted this new job!
Instead, I am following something that brings me excitement, curiosity, stimulation. I'll be learning something new, doing something new and hopefully feeling something fulfilling. This will feed my energy leaving me not quite so fatigued so that my days off will be more quality. That's my hope anyway.
Oh I have concerns a plenty. But overall, it feels right. If I just sit in the feeling of it, it feels good. If I let my thoughts take over, well, I think I am a fool. "I left a perfectly good job", "I could potentially make more money in less days if I stayed", "Its easy", "I could get paid for doing crosswords or watching movies", "I don't have any clothes for this new job (currently wear scrubs to work and pajamas on my days off)", "What if I can't handle all the emotions and sadness", "I won't have as many days off as Amy", "what will I do in the summer when I want to be out playing and am instead stuck working".....and the list goes on.
However, I feel like this decision is a culmination of everything that has happened over the past few years. This is the moment life was creating. I see God's hands in it. From my illness, to my relationship issues, to my personal issues, grief, and even my therapy. It all combined to create this moment so I feel I have no other choice BUT to accept this job. The ultimate "Choose love over Fear moment"....and I'm choosing love for ME! A decision I am making for ME. One that I think my heart and soul want to make and that will hopefully enrich my life on many different levels.
And today, my facebook is all about memes that say things like "Last year made you strong, Next year will make you happy", or "The best is yet to come". I really feel like that is true. The past year(s) made me strong so that I could make this decision confidently. And I have heard it said that one does not regret the things that one does, but rather regrets what they don't do. Oh I hope that is accurate!
Sure there is some grief over leaving the job I have called family for almost a quarter of a century, and I don't think the reality of all of that has even hit me yet. But I think I am ready. I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and have done what I can there. It is time to move on.
A new couch
A new fridge (with all new food even)
A new job
A new year
A new Me.
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