Saying Goodbye

 My mom used to tell me a story about how she knew I was a sensitive person when I was watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon from a highchair as a baby.  I have no recollection of this, but apparently there is an episode where Tom and Jerry have to wave goodbye to a lion friend of theirs who is sailing away on a boat (or something like that).   Toddler me was crying/sobbing along with Tom and Jerry while proclaiming  "They will never see the lion again".  

I have always hated goodbyes.  They make me ugly-cry emotional.  The last day of Jr. high school was a hyperventilating sob fest (in my defense this was a time before cell phones and social media which made staying in contact with my friends a little more difficult).  Even simple goodbyes like leaving a gathering or work is awkward for me.  My brother has earned the nickname "Houdini" because he is known to just disappear from social engagements.  Though I am not quite that bad, I, too, have been known to just slip out so that I don't have to bid my farewells.  

So, when I was presented with the idea of having a going away party for work, I immediately turned it down by adamantly saying "no way!"  

Not only am I bad at goodbyes, but I also don't like being the center of attention.  My mom had to come fetch me from the comfort of my bedroom during my high school graduation party because I was holed up in there avoiding all the people. 

A going away party for myself is just about the worst possible circumstance I could find myself in.  But after giving it some thought, I have decided to have a small, simple goodbye.  

I need it for myself to honor the job...and the people...I have worked with, laughed with, cried with, wrestled with, for 24 years.  Its a big deal and one that deserves a proper goodbye.  Going to work in hospice, I am going to have to approach these emotionally difficult situations with goodbyes that are far more gut wrenching than leaving a job.  So approach I will.  

Watching a Barbara Walters special yesterday, there was a quote that said, "You never die as long as people say your name".  This brought about a little fear and sadness within me because people do not ever remember my name.   I will never forget my time on 3 MHU, and I am just hoping 3MHU does not forget my time there either.  In my personal life, I do not have many in my family who are younger than me to share memories and "keep me alive" once I am gone from this world.  My legacy will be in the lives I have touched through my work in mental health and now hospice.  All of the staff who I have worked along side for 24 years will have some sort of my influence just as I have theirs.  And with that, I know that some of what I brought to that unit will carry on which gives me some peace in knowing.  Even if my name is not remembered, my energy remains always.