Flowing

 If you know me, you probably know that I don't always flow too well.  Routine, schedules, and accomplishing tasks are my mission.  Allowing the day to just happen spontaneously, especially where work is concerned, is a bit of a challenge sometimes.  I go into most days with expectations of how I would like to see the day go:  with a clear cut plan.  It gives me a sense of control and predictability.  

This past week, I have found myself "flowing" more.  A planned bike ride date did not go as planned.  But the alternative was so much better than the original idea!  When the agenda changed, the result was adventuring on never before seen roads followed by a stunning trail ride.   Stone bridges, frogs and crawfish, rocks, clear water, and a shaded canopy on a very hot day was our reward.  Alongside us the entire time, flowed a beautiful, babbling brook.  A perfect reminder to go with the flow.  

Another flowing moment this past week involved a party I was super anxious to attend.  One that I had initially declined to attend at all.  But the day of the party arrived, and I decided to baby-step it.  Step one: "Yes, I will drive you to the party, but I am going to drop you off at the end of the driveway and come back home".  Step two:  "I am committed to going to the party just to say Happy Birthday, then I am going back home".  Step three:  "I will stay for 1/2 hour, but probably not any longer than that".  Step four:  All in! Turned out to be a super fun time including meeting new people, laughing, and dancing around a fire.  Breaking out of my comfort zone empowered me by challenging old, avoidant habits.  Sounds kind of silly, but I was proud of myself for allowing the day to unfold naturally.  All I had to do was show up and it just kind of took care of itself.  

Today at work, I flowed some more.   Leading/teaching several groups throughout the day sometimes causes me anxiety.  As a way to curb that anxiety, I like to go in to each group session with a clear cut plan.  Or two.  Its wise to have a Plan A and a Plan B so that if one is not going well, the other can be the savior.  Sometimes, I have even rehearsed what I want to say or how I want the group to go.  Today, I did none of that.  After having been off for a while and not knowing the kids too well, I decided to just see what happens.  No plan A, no plan B.  In fact, I had no plans at all.  And guess what?  All was just fine.  Fun even.  Sometimes the greatest lessons  happen during those unplanned moments where conversations and experiences happen naturally.   Both for the kids, and for myself.  Yes, flowing.  

One more example is this here post.  I didn't really want to blog tonight because the topics I have planned out  are either not inspiring for me or require a bit too much brain power that I don't have access to at the moment.  So, I just started to write and here I am flowing again.  I have even had to  suspend my own judgement on my writing and on my posts so that I am able to flow once again.  Tonight, I am writing, flowing, and seeing what happens. 

Don't get me wrong, there is a time and a place for planning.   Though, when I  remember to just let life happen, it feels good, and good things seem to happen.  It isn't always perfect nor do I expect it to be.   Within the imperfect parts of life there exists a beauty that would otherwise go unseen, adventures that would otherwise go un-experienced, and lessons that would otherwise go unlearned.  

For now, I shall relish in the contentment that comes with allowing life to unfold on its own terms.  

Peace.  

 

Back at it

After a long hiatus, I am hoping to get back into blogging again. Its been so long, and I am out of practice, out shape, and out of brain power. In time, I am hoping to exercise all of those things and resume some blogging. Forgive this rusty post as I reach into the trenches to put words together in an attempt to make some sort of sense. Its been a challenging year. Personally. Nationally. Globally. Throughout the struggles, I kind of lost myself which has prompted me to reignite some of my passions, creativity, and hobbies. This is a start. Not sure where this will take me, but that is what a journey is all about, right? 

 So it is only fitting, that on this day, I attempt to spark my blogging interest again. You see, this is the one year Anniversary of the death of my beloved Tino. Tino is the namesake of this blog, the light in a dark time, and the epitome of love: even in death. One whole year without him, but not a day goes by that I don't think about him. In addition to his puffing needs, Tino had all sorts of funny quirks that could either make us smile or make us irate. He loved plastic bags! Like for real, he could sniff those plastic bags from a mile away. His favorite type of plastic were those flimsy produce bags and it was certainly taboo to place grocery bags on the floor while waiting to be put away. He would chomp those bags so fast! Pulling the bag from his quick little mouth was a feat; the more we pulled the bag from him, the quicker he would try to chomp it. Sometimes, we pulled the bag from deep in his throat as he was trying to swallow it down real fast. Bags are free to be on the floor these days. 

 More than bags, Tino LOVED coconut oil. This was his favorite ever! He would sit on the edge of the bathroom sink while Amy took a shower and just holler in his grumbly little meow until he got a lick of his delicious "cokey oil". He was relentless in his persistence. All it took was one little lick, and he was satisfied. Showers are a lot quieter these days. 

 Meal times also brought out his relentless persistence. One bite from each different component on the plate was all it took for him to be satisfied and let us eat in peace. It didn't matter what it was, he just wanted to be included to have a sample of whatever we were having. Chicken was probably his favorite snack, but he enjoyed just about anything. Meal times are a little different these days. 

 Shoulder rides! He loved riding on our shoulders and having rides throughout the house. His long, lanky limbs hung over the shoulder while he sniffed various objects on the walls. He could have ridden on our shoulders all day long had we let him. He also loved to hold hands or be touching skin. Often he would sleep up by head while my hand touched his. Purring all the while, of course. The most perfect lullaby. My shoulder is extra cold these days while my lullaby is silent. 

 He was always underfoot begging for food or love. He just wanted to be included in whatever we were doing. I would get so mad when I would trip over him! Tino had his own theme song that Amy gave to him. When he walked across the room, we would sing "ba dum ba dum, ba dum, ba dum ba dum", in a slow, low cadence that matched his slow meandering walk. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to sing to him one last time.

 So much more to say about him, but since I am blogging again, I will save some more for another post. 

 Though he can never ever be replaced, we are searching for another snowshoe siamese. A rare breed. I am eager to see what qualities are shared with my best buddy ever while coming to appreciate new and different quirks from my next furry friend. Well, that is a wrap for now. 

 Not the most poignant or cohesive of posts, but one that simply celebrated my Valentino.

Spring Has Sprung

Spring has sprung once again here in the Northland.  Its supposed to be a time of excitement and renewed energy.  Days are longer, warmer, and happier.  Nature is lighter, brighter, and full of movement.

I'm not sure what the heck happens to me during this time of year, but when the world is coming alive, I start freaking out.  Spring is a time of great anxiety for me.  Perhaps its change.  Change and I do not get along, and my brain tends to think the worst is about to happen with any change that presents itself.

For me, Spring equals IMPENDING DOOM.  Its an increase of expectations to be a part of the world.  Gone is the comfort of being wrapped up in electric blankets.  Gone is the excuse to remain inside hunkered down "because its too cold out" (even though I spend a lot of time outside in the winter).  For me, there is a bit of comfort in having the sun go down at 5:00 in the evening and having a blanket of snow covering the ground.  We had a late season snowstorm just a week ago, and man, I felt a peace come over me.  It felt relaxed and right.

When I hear people talk about the joy and excitement that Spring and Summer bring to them, it makes me question what the heck is wrong with me.  Though there are many many aspects of the warmer seasons that I look forward to, anxiety overshadows it all with a black cloud of fear.  Fear of what I do not know exactly.  I feel almost.......lonely?

As a way to combat all of this anxiety, below is a list of activities that I am looking forward to participate in during the next few months.
Reading in the sunshine
Biking
Kayaking
yard work
bonfires
picking up garbage on the side of the road (a favorite pastime of mine)
beach days
swimming
walks by the river
hikes
sleeping with the windows open (even though I do this year round)
grilling out
mowing the lawn
Camping

Yes, there is much to look forward to.  Only the thing is, I am not looking forward to ANY of that.

I AM

So, I have heard it said that if you tell yourself something enough times, you will come to believe it.  My mind has been filled with some negative self talk lately, and I am trying to retrain my brain into believing positive affirmations.  Several times a day I go through the alphabet and tell myself one positive trait that starts with each letter of the alphabet.  The following are traits that I want to acquire and nurture within myself.
I AM
Accepting
Beautiful
Confident (some days this is calm)
Devoted (or determined)
Encouraging (some days this is energized)
Flexible
Gracious
Honest (some days this is happy)
Independent
Joyful
Kind
Loving
Motivated
Nice
Open Minded
Peaceful
Quiet
Relaxed
Strong
TRUSTING (the one I need to work on the most)
Understanding
Vulnerable
Welcoming
Xciting
Youthful
Zany

My hope is, is that if I say this to myself often enough, I will come to BE all of these traits.  Some take a bit more effort than others, but each are ones I want to nurture.

I AM.

Time Marches On

Its been about 3 1/2 years since my mom passed.  Some days, I still have a huge wave of sadness wash over me, especially when I have a bit of happy news to share.

Or sad news.
Or when I am bored.
Or when I hear a song that reminds me of her.
Or when I see a commercial I know she would hate.
Or when I watch a TV show we used to watch together.
 Or when......

You get the idea.

My mom was my person.  She was the one person who completely got me.  An unspoken comfort.

Safe.  So safe.

It is so hard to put into words the emptiness I feel, and even though time is marching on, some days I feel like the grief is still so raw.  I came here to blog, but find myself completely stuck to accurately put down in words how I feel.

I just miss her.

Becoming a Dad.

In December, my dad was diagnosed with "Advanced Cirrhosis of the liver" and was initially given "weeks to months to live".  Since then, he has quit drinking, has started to take care of himself, and is making a miraculous rebound.  Unbelievable how a man can abuse his body for over 70 years, and in just a matter of a few weeks of good self care, can return to "normal" health.  Though he is pretty much Velcro-ed to the couch, depressed, very low energy, it is nice to see him sober.  The question begs to be answered of why he was unable to quit drinking when my mom was still alive and when there was a family to appreciate.  Especially since quitting drinking for him has been seemingly easy and problem free.

For the first time in, like, ever my dad is becoming....well, a dad.  He has struggled with alcoholism my whole life making booze far more of a priority than family life.  If I ever had a problem, it was Mom I would turn to (unless I had a car question of some kind, and even then, I often sought out other sources).  She may or may not relay whatever whoa I was having to my dad if and when he was sober, but seldom did I converse with my dad on an individual basis.

Just the other day, I was having a stressful, crabby kind of day.  Issues with a potential house I so desperately want to buy was clouding my mood.  My dad is providing me with a little bit of financial help, and on this day we were driving to the bank.  I was crabby.  My irritability did not go unnoticed by Dad, and I told him my troubles.  I told my Dad my troubles.  For the first time in my life.  He listened.  He sympathized.  He reassured.  He provided emotional support doing  everything a kind and patient parent would do.  And it felt good, nice, even natural.  Its so nice to have a sober Dad finally after all these years.  Just wish it could have happened so much sooner.

Perhaps he will live his last few yeas alcohol free as a way to show his true self to us kids.  And just maybe when his time is called to meet my mom up in Heaven, he will enter to live a sober eternity with the love of his life.  Finally giving my mom a life she deserved.

Introducing Brutus

Oh, its been quite the while since I last blogged; and wow, things have changed so much!  For someone whose life has been stagnant, predictable, maybe even boring, I am amazed at the direction my life has taken.  Its taken a direction I NEVER thought it would go.  And with that cliff hanger, I am not going to address all those changes with this post.

Instead I am going to introduce you to Brutus.

Brutus is a very large, looming, black cloud of anxiety that surrounds me.  Brutus has always been a presence in my life, but he has made himself so much more present particularly after my mom died. April of 2014, Brutus almost won.  Panic attacks, insomnia, constant fear, shakiness, and tears.  Oh the tears.  It was a scary time that prompted me to go to the doctor and give consideration to.....dun dun dun....medication.  Something that I so did not want to do.

Even though I work in Mental Health, have seen the benefits of anti anxiety and anti depressant medications (as well as the harm), it is not something I wanted for me.  But I got the medicine filled and sat it in my cupboard as a way to de-sensitize myself to maybe taking them one day.  I never did.
Instead, I began to practice mindfulness.  That coupled with some great "friend-therapy" sessions and support, helped ease my anxiety somewhat.  It eased it enough to begin to function again.  Tears lessened.  Impending doom lessened.  But Brutus still remained.

And he remains still.  Some days, Brutus is so over powering that he hijacks my thoughts.  Though I KNOW the thoughts are so irrational, the thoughts still come.  Mindfulness tells you to recognize those thoughts, and then let them go.  Brutus holds on with a death grip.  He doesn't just hold on to one negative thought, he holds on to several.  All negative, most are fear based, and many are self loathing.  Some days Brutus is able to convince me that I am worthless, that I can't  do my job well, that I am a burden to those who know me.  He tells me that there is nothing but negativity ahead in my life.  All the "what ifs" come to play with the outcome never pleasing.

When Brutus takes full control, I get "stuck" so much so that I can't even talk about why I am anxious.  Brutus tells me "It doesn't matter why you feel like this because you don't matter".  Brutus tells me that I am "stupid" and "crazy" for feeling this way.  And I really hate feeling that way and begin to think that maybe Brutus is right.  When Brutus is here, it is exhausting to say the least.  Its tiring to constantly battle Brutus; a CONSTANT rational vs irrational internal fight that can be triggered by one word in one sentence that Brutus holds onto.

Brutus has made himself a little more scarce these past few days, and it is so nice without him!  My mind is more at peace. Freer.  Brutus continues to whisper negative thoughts, but they are more manageable and less tiresome.  I'm not entirely sure what happened, and maybe I am just in a better head space that is not allowing Brutus to be overpowering, but I will take it.

Right now, I am able to push Brutus down when he tries to creep up.   The "What-ifs" are met with "What will be, will be" or "we will deal with that when/if it happens".  And I remember to TRUST.  Trust that where I am is where I am supposed to be.  Remember my blessings (and they are so plentiful).  Remember to choose love over fear (something I struggle oh so hard to do).

So for now, I will continue breathing and continue trusting.