Fun Finds Up the North Shore

So the other day my friend and I took a drive up the "North Shore".  What a fun treasure that was!  I've lived here my whole life, and I have been up the North Shore several times, yet I discovered a whole new undiscovered (by me) world!

Nearly halfway between Duluth and Canada lives a little town called Silver Bay and there is a whole lot to see and do in Silver Bay.  Who knew!?

The first exciting fun find was giant chairs!

I have always wanted to sit in giant chairs, and there they were just calling our name on the side of the freeway.  So we took that as a sign and got our photo opp.  How can you not smile sitting in giant chairs?  When we were leaving, an older couple was pulling up to also sit in the giant chairs.  The excited smile on the lady's face described exactly what we were feeling.

Next we drove up this mountainous terrain called Palisadehead.  This was quite the fun find! High up on rocky cliffs gazing down at the Caribbean looking Lake Superior was breathtaking in every sense of the word.

I had to crouch kind of low to the ground to keep my bearings and my sanity.  It was scary being up so high with no real protection in between you and the ledge where you would plummet to the bottom of the rocky cliff into the frigid and quite rocky water below.  When we were done, I had the Jello legs.  But it was well well worth it.

Then we headed to Black Beach where we were in search of black rocks.  Instead we found nothing but a bunch of NO TRESPASSING signs.  They were every few feet, clearly marked, with a "Violators will be Prosecuted" warning.  We decided to risk it.  We ventured out of the car down a path toward the beach.  We hear a vehicle slowly approaching.  And what do you know, its a cop.

I start kind of running back to the car and the cop.  Heart is pounding.  Cop asks, "Having fun?"  Our reply, "We are trying to".  He questions, "Trying to?"  We explain we were trying to get to the Black Beach and asked if he knew how we could get there.  His response was "Not legally.  What do those signs say?"  We hung our heads in shame as we solemnly answered, "No Trespassing......"  However, the cop then directed us to follow him while he showed us the correct, though still illegal, path to get to the Black Beach.  I thanked him for not arresting us.

On our way home, we really wished we would have answered differently when he asked us what the sign said.  After having a significant conversation in English, we wish we would have answered, "Senor, no hablo Ingles".  Though funny to us, it may not have been funny to the cop so we were pleased with our result.

The beach was different than we expected.  Still cool.  A beach full of taconite, which gives it the black color for which it is named.  We didn't stay long, but just took a glimpse since we were there illegally.  We were both so angry that someone (mining company) could claim a whole cool beach for themselves and not share it with the public.  How can that be?!

Our fun find adventure ended with a trip to the candy store!  What a sweet finish for an awesome day.  Can't wait to return next year to see what other hidden gems await us Up the North Shore.

Family Dinner

July 24th would have been my parents' 49th wedding Anniversary.  My dad was having a hard time around this date (even though they never spent their Anniversarys together).  Still, it was another milestone.  Another first.  Another absence noticed.

So, we decided to have a family dinner out at a restaurant with the whole family, including significant others and Dorie.  Even when Mom was alive, we never all got together at a restaurant before.  She would have enjoyed that.  Days prior to the dinner, I was kind of dreading it knowing it would likely be just a drunken dinner filled with anger, sadness, and worry about how the drunks are going to get home safely.  Well, to my surprise, dinner was very pleasant.  Few memories were shared as well as some laughs.  It was nice.  Nicer still that Dad bought all of our meals.

There was one very noticeable empty chair.  Like for real.  There were 7 of us all together (Jim brought his girlfriend), and we were seated at a table for 8.  So there was a very prominent empty chair, and it was right next to me.  Right where Mom would have been sitting.  Or maybe she was sitting there.  Maybe the chair was empty as a reminder that even though she was not there physically with us, she was there in spirit.  At least that is what I would like to believe.

Soundtrack of Life

I was just thinking of some of those songs that hold some meaning in my life.  Those songs that immediately illicit a strong memory or emotion or that just seem to speak to me in some meaningful way.  Below is the list of songs that I would put on my soundtrack to my life.  I'm trying not to judge my soundtrack because most of the songs are just fanciful songs with not a really deep meaning, but just a reminder of a time or place.

The soundtrack of My Life:

Nobody by Sylvia.  Its a country song one hit wonder.  But it is the probably the biggest song that represents my childhood.  It brings me back to my Aunt Bonnie, innocence, and fun.

Islands in the Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.  Another Country song that represents more of my childhood, fun sing offs with my Mom.  Fun memories.

Straight Up by Paula Abdul (and the whole Forever Your Girl album).  I'm entering my teenage years now.  Figuring out what I like.  Straying from the country music I was raised on.  Learning my own likes and dislikes.

Centerfold by The J. Geils Band.  Brothers.  This song reminds me of my teenage brothers and carries with it a fun memory when they put the RECORD in my room as a way to tease me because I didn't want it.  I put it back in their room.  The returned it to my room.  With a heavy sigh I threw it back into their room.  It was an endless battle of who would end up in possession of that record.  Not sure whatever the outcome was.

La Isla Bonita by Madonna (and the whole True Blue Album).  This song reminds me of my childhood best friend, Mindy.  Hours of listening to this album and singing this, our favorite song.

Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin.  Actually this period in my life could have its whole own soundtrack.  This song is the umbrella over it all.  It represents the time in my life when I witnessed the abuse of my friends and neighbors for years.  All of the songs listed below,  I listened to with the mom, Patty, but Cats in The Cradle brings me back immediately.  It later had significance when my brother lost his girlfriend to drugs and this song was meaningful to him as well.
          *I am a rock by Simon and Garfunkle
          *Minnesota by Northern Light
          *Hooray For Hazel by Tommy Roe
          *Feet Up Pat Him on the Po-Po by Guy Mitchell
          *Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas

I will Wait by Mumford and Sons.  This song was on the radio throughout my mom's illness.  Was the first song I heard in the car on the way to the hospital the day she died, and was the first song on the radio leaving the hospital after she died.  I took it as a message that she will wait for me in heaven.

Sissy's song by Alan Jackson.  The song we played at my Mom's funeral.

Say Something by A Great Big World.  I turned the radio off for months after my mom died. This is the song that did it to me.

Timshel by Mumford and Sons.  This song brought music back into my life.  It was a very healing song for me.  I listened to it on repeat for weeks.  It helped me see that I "am not alone" and reinforced that I have the greatest friends surrounding and supporting me.

Brave by Sara Bareilles.  Whenever this song comes on the radio, I like to think my mom is telling me she wants to See me "Be Brave".  I'm trying.

Try By Pink.  On those days that I want to just stay in bed, this song reminds me that "you gotta get up and try".

Your Song by Elton John.  A very meaningful song to me.  My friend "serenades" me with this song on some of our drives.  I now think of this as "My Song".  In some of the darkest points, this song helps remind me that we have purpose and can impact those around us.  Truly a song with a deeper meaning than I can't accurately put down in words on this blog.

So, as of now, this is the soundtrack of my life.  Hoping the next album is full of songs of hope, happiness and love.

My New Hobby

Earlier this month, I bought myself a new "toy", and let me tell you, its been fun!

Its a reminder of what really matters.

A feeling of connectedness.

Peace.

Healing is Happening

Its been almost 8 months since my Mom's death.  Many ups and downs and in betweens filled with sadness, anxiety, and even some moments of happiness.  For almost 8 months, I have kept her ashes with me, still in the double bagged, double boxed container provided by the cremation society.  Her remains resided in the front porch of my house up until this past Memorial Day weekend.

It just happened.  It just felt right.  Ready.

After spreading just a few in my newly created memorial garden (and keeping a smidgen in a trinket box for myself inside the house), I brought the remaining ashes to be spread in some special spots.  (By the way, human "ashes" are not ash-like.  Its more of a sandy consistency much different that I imagined it to be.  And, yes, there are clear granules of bone.  But I digress...)

First stop was Mom's house to sprinkle her in the backyard where two aunts and my uncle are also sprinkled.  I took Missy and Tiki out back with me, let them sniff the bag containing the ashes and begun sprinkling her around.  However, it was not much of a sprinkle, and was more like an accidental "dump" leaving behind a white, sand-like mound (which I ran over with the lawn mower the following day).

So that was not very....sentimental.  But the next place was a very spiritual experience which is the one I will remember and the one that prompted me to blog.

Tiki and I next went to the "park".  Keene Creek. Where Mom, the dogs, and I spent nearly every single warm summer evening.  Our special place where I can still SEE her presence if I think about it long enough.

Instead of dumping the ashes, I opened the bag and just let the wind take them where they may.  In doing so, I inadvertently breathed some of the dust in causing me to cough.  My mom is now a part of me.  Within me. Which is very cool.

Carrying the bag, I headed down a path leading to a bridge we would frequent.  It was then that I had this strong sense that Mom was walking down that path, hand in hand, with me at that moment.  Once I reached the bridge, I sprinkled a little more of her.  While doing so, I heard this moaning sound in my ear unlike a sound I have heard the wind make.  At the time, I didn't pay close attention to it, but it was afterwards that I realized the significance.  I wish I would have taken that in a little longer, but its still a cool experience.  My experience.

Next stop was the cemetery where my aunt, uncle, and grandparents are buried.  I have never seen their resting place or their headstones before.

My Aunt Catherine and her Husband who were killed in a car accident before I was born.

My Maternal grandparents and Uncle Jack.

    

The remainder of my mom's ashes were dispersed between these two headstones.  It was quite emotional for me to happen upon the grave sites.  I think just seeing their names, permanently etched, gave me this feeling of.....peace.

And now I can visit the cemetery as often as I want and know that my mom is there too.  And how cool is it that her permanent "stone" now resides in my backyard in my Memorial Garden?  Quite cool.  

Its still not easy, and moments are still quite unbearable.  But healing is happening.

Memorial Garden

Mother's Day has come and gone.  This year, somber and sad, but yet one of honor and remembrance.  I have wanted to create a memorial of some kind for my mom since she was cremated not requiring a headstone or cemetery.  For me, it was important to have her name etched in something permanent, something/some place I could visit to feel close to her.  So I ordered a personalized garden stepping stone online with plans to make a memorial garden in my yard.  After transferring her bleeding heart plant, along with her birdbath, the garden was pretty much what I had envisioned.

I also spread some of her ashes around the bleeding hearts, and I believe, this helped them bloom and survive so beautifully.  Its a perfect garden.  A perfect place.

BitterSweet Spring

Spring in the Northland is always so anticipated and welcomed.  This year is no exception.  After months of one of the coldest and snowiest winters on record, Spring is slowly approaching with signs of renewal and rebirth.  Longer, sunnier days are busting their way through the dark gloom of winter lifting the spirits of most everyone.

As the city grows happier and lighter, I can't help but feel a little darker and more sad in some ways.  For me, this year, Spring means something a little different.

Its moving forward, yes, but with the biggest void that just seems to grow bigger with each passing day. As nature becomes born again, my mom's lifeless yard will be a constant reminder that she is gone.  It will be a summer minus our much treasured evening walks at the park with the dogs....Minus our annual trip for Mother's Day flowers, this year instead being replaced with a scattering of her ashes.

The blanket of a snowy winter was like a band aid over the deep wound of my grief.  Somehow covering the sadness, or at least giving me an excuse to hole up in the house.  It is not unusual for me to be in my pajamas ready for bed by 6:00 PM (even earlier some days).   As the band aid is slowly melting, the expectation to be out in the world is increased.  The juxtaposition does not escape me that all of the life surrounding me is a reminder of death.

Its been 5 months today.  Five months.  Some days it feels like yesterday, and others feels like 10 years.  My sadness ebbs and flows, sometimes just sneaking up on me without warning.  The positive days are beginning to outweigh the negative now, and part of me is simply not ready to be done grieving.  I want to miss her and to cry for her.  And to remember her.  I want to feel excited again.  To feel hopeful again.

I'm confident I will get there.

In time.

And Even More Signs

In addition to all the animal signs that have been showing up, my mom's name has been an ever prevalent force in my life since her passing.  Its incredible all the signs that I am experiencing.  My mom's name IS Charlotte (I almost typed "was Charlotte", but then I realized that my mom's name will always be Charlotte.  her name IS Charlotte!).

The first book I read following my mom's death, the names Charlotte and Doris were mentioned obscurely on one page of the book.  My aunt's name is Doris and my mom and aunt were two of the best friends ever.

Another book.  Another mention of the name Charlotte.  Again, just a random mention of someone who has nothing to do with the story on one random page.  Just popped up in the reading.

My current book has a mom named Charlotte.  This time a main character in the story.

Then I was surfing the web and came across a story about a little girl named Charlotte.

Just last week, I walked into work and there on the table was a whole bunch of books that were donated to the kids.  The most prominent book, the one facing me, the one on top....."Charlotte's Web".

Then the one moment that brought be to tears.  A very spontaneous trip happened to fall into my lap.  I'm heading to Florida in just 2 weeks to Cape Coral where I will be renting a house belonging to a coworker of mine.  While researching the area, I discover there is a Charlotte Harbor there and I happen to know there exists a "Holmes Beach" as well.

All of this coupled with all of those animals signs is way beyond coincidental.  Way beyond.