Lyme Time

 Seems I always feel like I have so much on my mind, but when it comes time to put thoughts into words, I struggle.  Then I begin to worry about the judgement of myself and others potentially reading my blogs which increases any blockage that already exists.  

But here goes.  

In a previous post, I wrote a little about how Lyme disease works, the controversy surrounding it, and a snippet of my experience.  Two years in, and another current flare up, has given me a lot to process and accept.

So facebook has been showing me a lot of my "memories" from years past, and after reading them, I sometimes feel sad.  My posts are happy, uplifting, real, and full of life!  It makes me pine for that time and those feelings.  And I realized that I am kind of grieving the me that used to be.

I went from being called an "energizer bunny" to being a couch potato.  I went from having over 700 hours of sick time, to calling in sick for days, weeks, or even months at a time.  I went from being a loyal and prompt friend, to one who cancels plans at the last minute. A flake.  I went from being the friend who others called for support, to being the one who needed support.  I went from the sister/daughter/niece/partner who had it all together to being a wreck sobbing on the other end of the phone.  I went from having mild anxiety to having moderate to severe anxiety some days.  I went from feeling hopeful, optimistic, and grateful to feeling hopeless, pessimistic, and hateful.  I went from being relatively social to isolating myself almost completely (with recent strides to reconnect).   I went from being active to not even having the desire to be active.   From a morning person to an afternoon person.  From feeling full of life to feeling empty inside.  From eating whatever I wanted to reading labels, eating organic, and monitoring  sugar intake.  From having a way with words to staring blankly at the screen before me; each sentence a challenge to expel. 

More than just Lyme disease has contributed to all of the above, but having Lyme enter my body and my life has been life changing.  Life.  Changing.  Lyme stole my soul. 

Yes, stole my soul.

Its how I can best describe it.  To describe this in words is so hard, and I am desperate to be able to accurately explain how this feels.  And I am struggling to put this down in words.  Struggling.

Lyme feels like a dark force overtaking my body and mind.  The essence of who I am feels trapped way down deep inside while another entity acts on my behalf.  My thoughts are not mine.  

I can't continue as I am struggling to convey how this has affected me, but I will try to close with some hope.

I heard a quote (saw a meme) that said, "Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma.  That person doesn't exist anymore--there is a new you trying to be born.  Breathe life into that person."

As I move forward on this journey, I am going to nurture myself best I can.  Continue to battle the bacteria that are trying to be in control.  Find the gratitude that comes with every day and live in the abundance of blessings that surround me.  

Man, this isn't the post I set out to write at all, but it is what it is and so it shall be.