Decision Time

 Well I did it.  I took the leap!  I officially accepted the position of the bereavement coordinator and will be leaving the job I have loved for 24 years.  Well, I probably loved it for about 20 years.  The past four years or so, I have tolerated it.

Seriously though, each day at work has been difficult for me.  Claustrophobic, tedious, repetitive, old, boring.  Sure it is "easy money" and I still hope I made the right decision as I will be working quite a bit more than I am now.  Two more days a pay period more.  Even more if you count the days I currently give up to another worker or call in.  And lets face it, on those days I do give up, I don't really spend those days in any meaningful way....video games, television, maybe some housework.  Always justified because I "need to rest".  Perhaps I need to rest because my job sucks the life out of me leaving me nothing worthwhile on my days off.  

When I look into the future with my new position, I see vibrant colors and blooming flowers of all kinds.  When I look into the future for my current job, I see a dull flat line.  Grey. There is nothing left for me to really learn at my current job, and, in fact, it seems as though my responsibilities are diminishing.  Hence my decision.  A coworker, upon hearing my news, cautioned me against leaving.  Advised me to "Just take it one day at time, go inside yourself, and stay in your own lane".  Well, I don't want to take life one day at a time in the way this is meant.  Its slowly killing me....killing my spirit and my light.  I started counting how many shifts I had left until I could retire at over 3,000 shift.  I am down to 2,657 shifts, but that number has drastically decreased now that I officially accepted this new job!  

Instead, I am following something that brings me excitement, curiosity, stimulation.  I'll be learning something new, doing something new and hopefully feeling something fulfilling.  This will feed my energy leaving me not quite so fatigued so that my days off will be more quality.  That's my hope anyway.  

Oh I have concerns a plenty.  But overall, it feels right.  If I just sit in the feeling of it, it feels good.  If I let my thoughts take over, well, I think I am a fool.  "I left a perfectly good job", "I could potentially make more money in less days if I stayed", "Its easy", "I could get paid for doing crosswords or watching movies", "I don't have any clothes for this new job (currently wear scrubs to work and pajamas on my days off)", "What if I can't handle all the emotions and sadness", "I won't have as many days off as Amy", "what will I do in the summer when I want to be out playing and am instead stuck working".....and the list goes on.  

However, I feel like this decision is a culmination of everything that has happened over the past few years.  This is the moment life was creating.  I see God's hands in it.  From my illness, to my relationship issues, to my personal issues, grief, and even my therapy.  It all combined to create this moment so I feel I have no other choice BUT to accept this job.  The ultimate "Choose love over Fear moment"....and I'm choosing love for ME!  A decision I am making for ME.  One that I think my heart and soul want to make and that will hopefully enrich my life on many different levels.  

And today, my facebook is all about memes that say things like "Last year made you strong, Next year will make you happy", or "The best is yet to come".  I really feel like that is true.  The past year(s) made me strong so that I could make this decision confidently.   And I have heard it said that one does not regret the things that one does, but rather regrets what they don't do.  Oh I hope that is accurate!  

Sure there is some grief over leaving the job I have called family for almost a quarter of a century, and I don't think the reality of all of that has even hit me yet.  But I think I am ready.  I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and have done what I can there.  It is time to move on.  

A new couch

A new fridge (with all new food even)

A new job

A new year

A new Me.                                      

Conflicted

Life sure has become interesting quickly these past few weeks.  First, we both got the flu (or something similar that lasted weeks), then we had the tree guy issue (still not resolved).  Just a few days ago, our fridge decided this was a good time to die.  A new fridge has been ordered but will not be delivered for another week.  Thankfully it is winter so we have been able to use Mother Nature as our refrigerator and freezer.  All this just a week before Christmas.

But wait, there's more!

Of all things, I am pondering a career change.  After nearly 24 years on the unit, another job kind of popped up for me.  On a whim, I decided to apply.  I updated my resume halfheartedly, submitted it, and got a job interview.  I went into the interview blind and didn't really care the results of the interview since I already have a decent job that I usually don't mind.  

But then, I got offered the job!  

Now what do I do?  I'm trying to just sort out all of the thoughts in my head and thought I would just kind of ramble away here and see where my thoughts take me.

My new job would be as a bereavement coordinator through hospice, which is something I have been interested in ever since losing my mom.  A few of my friends have reached out to me after the passing of their mom, and I have been able to support them.  It brings me fulfillment and I can relate to the deep grief that losing a loved one brings.  

With this new job, comes working more:  both more days and more effort.  It also brings more autonomy with some days being able to work at home.  Less pay hourly, though over time, it would pay more as my current job is nearly capped out with my wage earnings.  I'm not in it for the money though.  I am in it to help people through their grief journey.  To provide some sort of support and connection during a time that one can feel alone and confused.  

Not to mention it would be a challenge, mentally stimulating, fresh, new, exciting.  Scary.  

But do I want to leave my current job?  A job I know and (used to) love.  A job that allows me to not work a lot but has the opportunity to pick up and make a lot of money if needed?  A job that is "easy".  One where I could do crossword puzzles and get paid a decent wage to do so.  But one where I am also kind of bored that feels like groundhog day.  

 One thing I do know, is that I used to work A LOT.  After my mom died, I slowed down a bit.  I decided that I wanted to enjoy life more.  Living life was more important that working so much.  And I have done just that for the past 9 years.  Living a life of leisure full of adventures: day trips, bike rides, kayaks, hikes, etc (before I got sick with Lyme anyway).  Not sure I want to sacrifice my ample opportunity of leisure.  

Just some random thoughts.  No clear answers.   One minute I am certain I will take the job, the next I am certain I will not.  Either way, it is validating and empowering to know that I CAN do something else if I so choose.  They hired me.  They wanted me!  They even adjusted the work hours in order to hire me.  Only I want them to adjust the hours even more.  I asked, and was denied.  Perhaps I ask again.  Perhaps I leave it up to that.  Ask again.  If they want me bad enough, they will hire me.  If not, maybe it just isn't meant to be.  I don't know.  

Monday I will be talking with Amy about it more seriously and I'm hoping it will bring some clarity for me.  I'm just proud I went through the process and even considered getting out of my comfort zone.  Whatever is meant to be, will be.    

Just blessed to be employed and to have options! 

A Job Not Done: Lessons Learned

 As a young teenager, I vividly remember preaching to my dad about why he should never pay somebody for a job that was not finished.  He did it all the time.  And jobs never got finished.  Never would I make that same mistake, right?  But adulting is hard sometimes, mistakes are made, and lessons are learned.

A few weeks ago, a tree guy was in the neighborhood taking down some troublesome branches and trees.  He was reasonably priced and seemed like a decent dude so I hired him to take down a bunch of overgrown and hazardous trees in my yard.  He would chop off the large limbs, stack them up neatly in a pile, out of the way, until he could come back and grab all the lumber.  Or so he said.  Well, he did come.  He did chop down some trees (Even the hammock tree, which he said he would leave...grrrrrr!).  The first part of the job was done.....and I went to pay him.  Why?  I don't know.  Because I am trusting and Believe someone will do something they say they will do.  I gave him his cash with his word that he would be back to collect the massive mess he left behind.  

Fast forward two weeks, several texts, several promises to come "tomorrow", one ominous blizzard approaching, and no word from Mr. Tree Guy.  Let it be known that in all of my texts, I was careful and cautious of my wording in case we ended up on Judge Judy...I didn't want to say anything that Judge Judy would scold me for.  I also made sure I made several references to having paid him so that that could not be disputed.  After all, I got no receipt and have no evidence of having even paid him since I had a load of cash at home (Bill paid me back).  So I was making my case for Judge Judy in text form (I think I would win!).  

Our yard is very soft.  Its not meant to have several hundred pounds of wood laying all over so this was very concerning, causing sleepless nights and frantic texts for him to come before the expected 20 inches of snow fell.  No word. 

So what does one do?  One comes home from work and watches Little House on the Prairie.  Well, poor pregnant Laura is tending the the farm during a drought when Manly (Oh how I hate that nickname!) was out of town earning a whopping $150.  Laura hauled buckets and buckets of water during a rare Minnesota heatwave in order to save her orchard.  

The wood in our yard was not going to move itself, and the tree guy certainly made it clear he was not going to finish his job.  So out I went.  Inspired by Laura....and my own anal-ness about having a tidy yard.  How in the WORLD am I going to mow in the spring time?!  

I hauled tons of wood!  Piled it in inconspicuous areas of the yard that would cause the least amount of damage.  Both to the yard and to the eyes.  Some of the pieces had to be hundreds of pounds, and those are the ones I rolled away best I could.  All the physical labor (two straight hours) helped to expel all the rage I was feeling from this situation.  Two neighbor boys did come by (dressed in crocks, shorts, and short sleeve t-shirts in the middle of December with a blizzard approaching) and helped a great deal.  They didn't last too long due to their attire and age 10 muscles, but they certainly earned their $20.  

Stone Soup.  In the Little House episode, Ma tells the story to the school children about Stone Soup....how a bunch of people can come together to accomplish something.  All the children went to Laura's to help her with her orchard.  And that is exactly what I experienced!  The neighborhood children came to help me out.  Together we got all the wood moved minutes before it started to freezing rain.  Something else to be thankful for.  

 In the midst of a crummy situation, beauty also exists.  A wonderful wife who is so forgiving for my errors in judgment and who supported me during my rageful time, neighbors who came together to help us out, and other neighbors who I know got our back when times are not easy.  Its heartwarming to see people pull together to help each other out and to celebrate what is good and true in this world. 

Lets not forget about Lessons Learned here.  So many lessons.  

One).  Never pay for a job that is not complete.  This lesson I have always known, but now I have learned.

Two).  Get a contract.  In writing.

Three).  Never pay in cash.

Four).  Get the guy's name.  I don't know his name or the name of his company!  What a fool!!  

Five).  Don't steal.  Sometimes I have this habit of stealing things from the store...like cat litter, cat food, cherries....Its always been justified that I am not stealing from a human, but I am.  Plus Karma.  I do not like this feeling of being taken advantage of.  Its gross.  Its not something I want to support.  Just be honest and real.  I bet if I acted more accordingly, Karma would also act accordingly.