BitterSweet Spring

Spring in the Northland is always so anticipated and welcomed.  This year is no exception.  After months of one of the coldest and snowiest winters on record, Spring is slowly approaching with signs of renewal and rebirth.  Longer, sunnier days are busting their way through the dark gloom of winter lifting the spirits of most everyone.

As the city grows happier and lighter, I can't help but feel a little darker and more sad in some ways.  For me, this year, Spring means something a little different.

Its moving forward, yes, but with the biggest void that just seems to grow bigger with each passing day. As nature becomes born again, my mom's lifeless yard will be a constant reminder that she is gone.  It will be a summer minus our much treasured evening walks at the park with the dogs....Minus our annual trip for Mother's Day flowers, this year instead being replaced with a scattering of her ashes.

The blanket of a snowy winter was like a band aid over the deep wound of my grief.  Somehow covering the sadness, or at least giving me an excuse to hole up in the house.  It is not unusual for me to be in my pajamas ready for bed by 6:00 PM (even earlier some days).   As the band aid is slowly melting, the expectation to be out in the world is increased.  The juxtaposition does not escape me that all of the life surrounding me is a reminder of death.

Its been 5 months today.  Five months.  Some days it feels like yesterday, and others feels like 10 years.  My sadness ebbs and flows, sometimes just sneaking up on me without warning.  The positive days are beginning to outweigh the negative now, and part of me is simply not ready to be done grieving.  I want to miss her and to cry for her.  And to remember her.  I want to feel excited again.  To feel hopeful again.

I'm confident I will get there.

In time.

And Even More Signs

In addition to all the animal signs that have been showing up, my mom's name has been an ever prevalent force in my life since her passing.  Its incredible all the signs that I am experiencing.  My mom's name IS Charlotte (I almost typed "was Charlotte", but then I realized that my mom's name will always be Charlotte.  her name IS Charlotte!).

The first book I read following my mom's death, the names Charlotte and Doris were mentioned obscurely on one page of the book.  My aunt's name is Doris and my mom and aunt were two of the best friends ever.

Another book.  Another mention of the name Charlotte.  Again, just a random mention of someone who has nothing to do with the story on one random page.  Just popped up in the reading.

My current book has a mom named Charlotte.  This time a main character in the story.

Then I was surfing the web and came across a story about a little girl named Charlotte.

Just last week, I walked into work and there on the table was a whole bunch of books that were donated to the kids.  The most prominent book, the one facing me, the one on top....."Charlotte's Web".

Then the one moment that brought be to tears.  A very spontaneous trip happened to fall into my lap.  I'm heading to Florida in just 2 weeks to Cape Coral where I will be renting a house belonging to a coworker of mine.  While researching the area, I discover there is a Charlotte Harbor there and I happen to know there exists a "Holmes Beach" as well.

All of this coupled with all of those animals signs is way beyond coincidental.  Way beyond.

Signs

In order of appearance:

A butterfly.  In the freezing fall.  Flitting around my head.  Not once, but twice.

A ladybug.  On my stove.  Crawling towards me.

A bald Eagle.  At the "park"...our "park".  Swooshing down from a tree.  Right in front of me, nearly touching the ground.  Up and Away it flew.

A bald Eagle.  On the side of the road.  In a tree.  Sitting all majestic.  On my Birthday.

A fox.  On the frozen Lake.  In the heart of the city.  At the most populated place.  At the most special time.

A red Cardinal bird.  On my deck.  Just hours after talking about loving cardinals, how rare they are, and how I haven't seen one in years.  ON MY BACK DECK!

Could it be signs from beyond?  I'd like to think so.  Signs she is near to me.  Now and always.

Whisked Away

Whisk...she got sick.
Whisk....she went to the hospital
Whisk....she went to surgery
Whisk....she is on a vent
Whisk....she develops a rare flesh eating bacteria
Whisk....she is gone

Quarantined

Nearly 3 weeks ago, my mom came down with the Shingles.  For the first week, she was really really sick.  Like, almost hospitalized sick.  Naturally, I was at her house nearly every day helping take care of her, the dogs, and housework.  As a child, I never had the chicken pox, but I did have the vaccine when I became an adult so I didn't think I was in any jeopardy of acquiring the pox while I was being exposed to the Herpes-Zoster.

Wrong was I.  It took me almost 40 years, but I finally contracted a childhood disease.  I got myself The Pox.  As in Chicken Pox.

For the first three days, I was pretty sick with a high fever, chills, headache, aches, you name it.  I was sent home from work when red spots started to appear throughout my shift, and the doctor the next day confirmed what we suspected.  A prescription for fluids, rest, and a week (or more) off of work followed.

Now that all my spots have arrived I feel almost 100%, other than some itching (which hasn't been unbearable) and some unsightly blisters.  The worst part for me was being unable (for a few days) to go help my mom.  Since I am now feeling better, I can come to her rescue once again.  I am still contagious, but she can't get what I have, and I already got what she has (kind of).

Finally, I get to use up some of my 720 hours of sick time at work, and now that I am not that sick (just contagious), I am sort of on a vacation.  Well, minus going out in public.  Since I am more or less housebound, I browsed through some Netflix options.  I happened upon a documentary about a woman (in England I think) who died in her "flat".  Though I didn't watch it, I DID read the description and some of the reviews to find that this woman died and was left undiscovered for THREE YEARS.  I used to think that would be me.  That I would die alone in my house without people realizing I was gone.

I am now confident I will be discovered long before 3 years.  My friends have been amazing throughout my illness as well as my mom's illness.  Daily texts, calls, and offers to help from SO MANY concerned friends is really overwhelming.  One of my busiest friends took time out of her day to bring me an anti-itch care package which has been a Godsend.  Grocery store runs, offers to bring me to the doctor, offers to bring me ice cream, and wellness checks are daily occurrences.  Two unbelievably amazing friends have even offered to help my mom out when I couldn't!

With friends like mine, fears of being alone in my future have subsided.  My friends are beautiful beautiful people with unselfish, golden hearts.  Blessed!

Magic

We all have those days at our respective jobs where we want to pull our hair out, scream, and perhaps even quit.  Then we have those days that remind us why we do what we do, especially those of us in the social services area of work.

Today was one of those latter days.  The kind that makes your heart swell and eyes well.  A day of pure magic.

The past few days, I have been working with 6 middle school kids who are pretty resistant to being in the day program in which I work.  Resistant to being there in the first place bubbles over into small battles over seemingly simple things....like going to group, cleaning up their lunch plates, being respectful to one another.

Change in our predictable schedule also becomes a struggle and today was the monster of all changes for this group.  Today, our schedule included a field trip to a therapeutic horse ranch.  On Monday (two days prior to "the horses", as we affectionately refer to our experience), five of the six kids were adamant that they were not going to go.  So adamant was one kiddo that he had a 2 hour rage at home because his anxiety was overwhelming, and he thought by throwing this fit, he would be able to avoid this potentially uncomfortable experience.  Another gal insisted she would not even come to the treatment program that day and most certainly she was not going to the horses.

 The two days leading up to the field trip, we attempted to coach the kids in skills, calm their anxieties, and encourage them in all sorts of ways.  Sometimes our attempts bred anger, and most certainly none of the hesitant ones were sold on going.  We still had one very uncompromising gal and one very uncompromising boy.

Then today happened.  I was surprised to see all six faces arrive at the program today.  Our rigid gal was unusually quiet and withdrawn in the morning, and I was a bit concerned she would refuse to leave the building when the time came to head up to the horses.  But the time came, and she hopped in the van no problem.

We arrive at the horse arena and went to observe the horses.  The kids mindfully observe the various horses, and when they feel a connection, they raise their hand to claim which one they want to work beside.  Our hyperactive, socially awkward boy surprisingly waiting last to pick his horse allowing all the other kids to have their first choices.  His buddy ended up being the most vocal and energetic of all the horses, just as this kid was the most vocal and energetic of our bunch of kiddos.  All kids picked their horses and approached them very cautiously, even our most resolute boy and gal.

They each brushed their majestic beauties, cleaned their hooves, and got to practice leading them around the arena.  Building confidence and conquering fears all the while.  Bright smiles on our most hardened kids.

Toward the end of our time, the kids got to ride their new found friend.  Our uncompromising boy?  Yes, he rode around the arena with the brightest smile I have seen from him.  Not only that, but he encouraged the others to do the same, even the other boy who irritated him during their time together in the program.

Our uncompromising gal?  She, too, wore a bright smile as she rode Shiloh.  By the end of it, she was hugging her horse saying she did not want to leave and requested to have her picture taken. Perhaps even a tear was shed as she said goodbye.

This experience was beyond anything I have ever experienced.  The connection between horse and human was something I had never seen.  I'm still unsure if the animal matched the energy of the kid, or if the kid chose the animal because of shared characteristics.  Maybe a little of both.  Whatever it was, only one word can explain it.  Magic.

Miss Efficiency

Just call me Miss Efficient (or maybe Miss ADHD....you be the judge).  At least I try to be (efficient, not ADHD).  I remember how the powers that be at Target drilled efficiency into the heads of us cashiers.  It would be safe to say I was productive even before this, but all of that training reinforced what I already felt in the core of my soul.

The older I get, the more skilled I am becoming at being efficient.  And skilled I am.  I'm so proficient that I can watch a 2 hour movie in about 1/2 hour!  Tip number one at "movie efficiency":  Fast forward all the boring or non important parts.  For example, who needs to watch a chase scene in real time?  You can just as easily see what is going on in the scene in fast forward.  Generally there is no dialogue so you don't miss any key plot points.  In fact, one could argue, that watching a chase scene in fast forward is EVEN faster; therefore, it is also more exciting.  Plus you shave about 3-5 minutes off the time of the film!  Brilliant.

Tip number two:  Fast forward fight scenes and running scenes:  For the same reasons mentioned above.

Tip number three:  Fast forward any scene involving no dialogue where a person is just standing there, a song is playing, or someone is searching for something.  You can make a "slow" movie, not so slow and again, you shave precious minutes off the film time.

Tip number four:  Fast forward any movie that you may not enjoy, but you want to see how it ends.  Or perhaps you want to be familiar with only certain scenes for pop culture reasons.  Last night I did just that.  I watched the first 5 minute opening of the film, fast forwarded the entire middle part, and watched the final 5 minutes.  That is a whole 10 minutes of movie watching, and yet, I know exactly enough of what happened in the movie that I feel confident I don't want to watch the entire film.

Not all movies are fast forward-able.  I get that and respect that.  Only those worthy of being fast forwarded will be sped up.

Now the question remains:  efficient or attention deficit?