Crushed Dreams and Independence

Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but I just need to blog about my emptiness just for a moment. Its a rare vacancy these days because I have come to embrace my Childless/Single Woman Status. Most days I stand tall and proud and brag about how great I have it. However, lately I have had just a few fleeting pangs of "I want that".

For starters, I got a phone call from my good friend who just gave birth to baby number 5! Yes, five. And that is not all; her oldest child is 5. That is 5 single births in 5 years. No thank you. But to be able to hold one little bundle in my arms, and to be able to call him/her my own would be magical.

Looking at pictures or hearing about my friends who are having play dates reminds me of what I am missing out. I am often absent from this scene as I don't quite fit in anymore. We have less in common now. They talk about their kids and families. I talk about my cats and my job.

Then, the worst possible thing happens. I become the babysitter. Just another reminder that I don't quite fit in. I get to watch their kids while they go have fun with their friends. Never did I imagine I would be a 30-something babysitter.

Which is exactly what I am doing right now.

Babysitting often awakens one of two emotions in me: 1). I am so glad I can never have kids/I would never be able to do it OR 2). I am so sad I can never have kids/I want it more than anything. Tonight these little cherubs were happy, affectionate, and wonderful so the latter emotion is evoked tonight. I look around at the house filled with toys and life, and realize that my house will forever be filled with just cat hair.

But when I am able to get my uninterrupted sleep tonight, wake up and do whatever the hell I want tomorrow, and not have to answer to anyone or anything, those feelings will quickly subside. My yearnings to have children are less and less with each passing year, but once in a great while they sneak up on me and remind me of something I will never have.