About twice or thrice a year, I need an emotional cleansing. I probably need it more than that, but that is about how frequently they arrive.
Tonight is the tip of an emotional breakdown. It hasn't reached its full potential, and I'm hoping to catch it and release it before it reaches the uncontrollable stage. Sometimes the emotional release is helpful, cleansing, and a good release; however, it isn't very productive so I thought I'd try blogging. Not sure how productive this is either, but at least it keeps my hands busy and my mind thinking about something other than what is.
The catalyst happens to be, and always is, work related. Frustrated, burnt out, frayed, and did I mention frustrated? Its a rough bunch of kiddos right now. Kiddos who are pushing all my buttons and testing all my limits. Coworkers who have checked out leaving me to do the brunt of it all. Suggestions being unheard. Overworked bosses not able to listen. Solutions going by the wayside.
The kicker is that I don't even have to be working right now. These are my fucking days off. I happen to have picked up (in advance) extra shifts for my coworker who is in paradise. While she basks in the warmth and sun of Puerto Rico, I burn in the heat and flames of Hell. Tomorrow I get Hell times two. A pre-scheduled double. Lucky me. Not sure if I can emotionally do it, but like the little engine that could, I tell myself, "I think I can; I think I can; I think I can". And I will.
Underneath the tears that flow tonight is more than just work. Its the emotion I feel for Missy. Poor Missy. Earlier this month, she tore her ACL ligament in her knee resulting in a 3 legged dog. She is unable to go for walks and looks at me pleadingly when I take Tiki for her walks. She doesn't understand, but somehow I think she does. She gets it. She's in pain and needs to rest her injured leg. Hopefully it will stabilize itself within 6 weeks leaving her to suffer with an arthritic knee for the remainder of her life. The other option is surgery. Expensive surgery: $2500. For now, its just wait and see....and pray. My heart is heavy.
Couple that with finding an ambulance and firetruck at my Aunt's house this afternoon. She is fine and will be fine. Just some extreme abdominal pain that she described worse than childbirth. Thankfully it was without incident. This time. But the time is coming.
Hence an emotional night.
On a positive note, I got an electric mattress pad. It makes crawling into bed quite inviting and enjoyable. Can't wait to snuggle in tonight with thoughts of a peaceful 16 hour day tomorrow, a healed puppy, and a healthy family.
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