Lyme Time

 Seems I always feel like I have so much on my mind, but when it comes time to put thoughts into words, I struggle.  Then I begin to worry about the judgement of myself and others potentially reading my blogs which increases any blockage that already exists.  

But here goes.  

In a previous post, I wrote a little about how Lyme disease works, the controversy surrounding it, and a snippet of my experience.  Two years in, and another current flare up, has given me a lot to process and accept.

So facebook has been showing me a lot of my "memories" from years past, and after reading them, I sometimes feel sad.  My posts are happy, uplifting, real, and full of life!  It makes me pine for that time and those feelings.  And I realized that I am kind of grieving the me that used to be.

I went from being called an "energizer bunny" to being a couch potato.  I went from having over 700 hours of sick time, to calling in sick for days, weeks, or even months at a time.  I went from being a loyal and prompt friend, to one who cancels plans at the last minute. A flake.  I went from being the friend who others called for support, to being the one who needed support.  I went from the sister/daughter/niece/partner who had it all together to being a wreck sobbing on the other end of the phone.  I went from having mild anxiety to having moderate to severe anxiety some days.  I went from feeling hopeful, optimistic, and grateful to feeling hopeless, pessimistic, and hateful.  I went from being relatively social to isolating myself almost completely (with recent strides to reconnect).   I went from being active to not even having the desire to be active.   From a morning person to an afternoon person.  From feeling full of life to feeling empty inside.  From eating whatever I wanted to reading labels, eating organic, and monitoring  sugar intake.  From having a way with words to staring blankly at the screen before me; each sentence a challenge to expel. 

More than just Lyme disease has contributed to all of the above, but having Lyme enter my body and my life has been life changing.  Life.  Changing.  Lyme stole my soul. 

Yes, stole my soul.

Its how I can best describe it.  To describe this in words is so hard, and I am desperate to be able to accurately explain how this feels.  And I am struggling to put this down in words.  Struggling.

Lyme feels like a dark force overtaking my body and mind.  The essence of who I am feels trapped way down deep inside while another entity acts on my behalf.  My thoughts are not mine.  

I can't continue as I am struggling to convey how this has affected me, but I will try to close with some hope.

I heard a quote (saw a meme) that said, "Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma.  That person doesn't exist anymore--there is a new you trying to be born.  Breathe life into that person."

As I move forward on this journey, I am going to nurture myself best I can.  Continue to battle the bacteria that are trying to be in control.  Find the gratitude that comes with every day and live in the abundance of blessings that surround me.  

Man, this isn't the post I set out to write at all, but it is what it is and so it shall be. 

Connecting Again (Part 2)

Christmas of 2021 prompted me to reach out to my niece Shayna, who has been absent from the family for 20 years or more!  After Leanne (her mom) and Bill got divorced, Leanne brainwashed Shayna into believing bad things about Bill and our family. Leanne withheld cards and presents and even stooped so low as to falsify an email from Shayna to Bill saying she wanted nothing to do with her dad.  Feeble attempts at reaching out has fallen flat.  Too much time, too much anxiety, and too much hurt has prevented any real relationship from growing.

Well, I got real brave and decided to apologize for past mistakes and invited Shayna to reconnect by going out to dinner.  She was brave herself and agreed!

With excitement and apprehension, we set a date and did not cancel.  Though we both were secretly hoping the other would do just that.  First meeting was awkward.  A hug and some nervous laughter preceded our meal, but once we sat down, it was surprisingly easy and natural.  She mentioned how she couldn't stop looking at me, seeing herself in my face.  I couldn't stop staring at her for the beautiful young woman she had become.  Regret was present for both of us as we realized all the wasted years that we can not get back.  I missed watching her grow.  She missed my guidance and love when her own mother could not provide that for her.  

But we have now, and we have decided we are going to build a relationship from here.  Our talk was crazy relatable.  Our lives are eerily similar.  And now that we are connecting, perhaps Shayna and her dad can reconnect as well.  They need each other, and time is limited.  

So yeah, reconnecting with my family has been wonderful.  Yet Bittersweet.  With reconnection come the reminders of the losses.  People I've lost.  Time that has been lost.  The only thing to do is move forward from here, knowing better and doing better.  

Setting out to 2022 with the intention to be the best version of me I can be.  Cheers!

Connecting Again (Part 1)

 Christmas 2021 was a milestone for me and my family.  For the first time since my mom died, eight years ago, we gathered together as a whole family on a holiday.  Since my mom has been gone, we have pretty much ignored any holidays, and certainly have not gotten together on any holiday.  For the first few years, Christmas did not even exist for us.  Never have we acknowledged a Thanksgiving as a family.  All doing our separate things.  Sure, there might be a stray text or perhaps even a phone call, but to celebrate and enjoy has been foreign to my family for eight years. 

This year, it just kind of came together.  I had plans to go to my dad's house certainly.  Naturally Bill would be there.  Then I invited my aunt Dorie, who is a very youthful 86!  Then John came on board on the 23rd, and finally Jim decided to come.

My energy and motivation is very lacking so I was quite up front and told all that I would not be making or providing food.  Just a gathering would be sufficient.  Though I felt a little guilty about my lack of bringing more festivity, I was happy to just have the family together on a holiday.  And bless Jim's girlfriend Shelly, who brought cheese and crackers.  And bless Bill's lady friend Judi who brought over 1/2 ham and some other leftovers.  It all came together.  Though it wasn't perfect, it was lovely and nice and wonderful.  

Even Amy came, which was her first family function of mine that she has attended.  It felt complete to have her there.  It could be material for a whole separate blog post, but she was the recipient of John's foot flakes when he took off his sock to show his healing burned up foot.  His skin flaked off and flew right at her face!  Was a funny memory for sure.  What a hazing!  

Though it was only a two hour gathering, it was a very important two hours.   We had our first family Christmas in 8 years, and hopefully it won't be our last.  We can build from here.