Middle Aged Travelers

 April 2022 was a nice time to get away to Florida.  We left Duluth on a nice spring day, temps in the mid 50's.  We were a little sad to be leaving our nice weather, but once we arrived in 90 degree Florida, Duluth had a messy spring storm for nearly the entire time we were basking in the sun.  Not gonna lie, we were a bit elated to know folks back home were in a slushy, snowy mess while we swam in the hot sun.

Our vacation was an intentional one of relaxation so we did not have a big agenda.  It was a perfect reset full of fun, laughs, and intimate pool chats.

Here we are a couple of middle aged women doing pool Olympics complete with handstands, handwalking, judging and critiques.  We each took home a gold medal in the handstand competition.  We are both professionals after our years of practice and expertise.  It is fun to be a kid still!  In addition to our handstands, we participated in another juvenile pool activity.  Yup, we peed in the pool (Sshh, don't tell).  We kept track of how many times we relieved ourselves by holding up our fingers for each time we were too lazy to get out of the pool.  We got upwards of over 5 times each by the end of pool time.   Gross, I know.

Ice cream was a perfect way to cool off in the humid, 90 degree heat.  But eating it outside was not the perfect way in which to eat the ice cream.  We were a sloppy mess covered in rapidly melting ice cream.  We had to eat it so fast that I don't think either one of us tasted much of our delicious dessert.  We ate it on the dock so the drips could just fall into the water below.  And this is where we discovered  the relaxi-taxi!  The water taxi was a cheap way to get a boat ride in right from our hotel.  We wish we would have discovered the water taxi earlier in our trip, but this night we opted for ice cream instead of liquor.  Once you get over a certain age, you have to make choices and sacrifices.  

Also, as a middle aged woman, it seems I have classified the Red Hot Chili Peppers as "heavy metal music".  For some reason, Amy finds this hilarious.  I guess they are not heavy metal after all.  

Right from our hotel room, we have views of dolphins and manatees swimming off in the distance.  My middle aged eyes also discovered there were black pelicans on the beach next to our hotel.  I was so excited to go visit the pelicans especially once I saw another woman walk near them and they didn't move.  They must be friendly pelicans!  Imagine our disappointment to find that my eyes deceived us and they weren't pelicans after all, but rather they were tires on the beach.  I wanted to go see these mysterious pelicans not only once, but twice!  After realizing they were just tires, I was still in denial, and got excited moments later when I again thought I saw pelicans.....Amy had to remind me that my eyes were playing tricks on me!

On our final day there, we went to a butterfly conservatory which was beautiful and lovely.  This solidified my middle aged-ness when I found out that they considered a senior citizen to be aged 50!  Just two short years away, and I would have been able to get reduced senior rates!

When it came time to pack the suitcase to head home, our suitcase gained over 5 pounds, not from all of our travel souvenirs we bought, but because of all the food we stole from the continental breakfast each morning.  Oh, those Florida oranges sure were tasty back home in Duluth!

More highlights of the vacation included a mama manatee with two babies seen while kayaking, dolphins from our hotel, a dead rat at the hotel restaurant, and a mascot parrot named "Blue" (who was kind of scary)!

Though traveling is always a nice getaway, coming back home is even sweeter.  There simply is no place like home!

Tonya Harding Day

 Years ago, my lady and I created our very own holiday.  It happened after seeing the movie "I Tonya" and learning about the spirit of Tonya Harding.  She is who she is.  Feisty.  Unapologetic. Unstoppable (albeit a bit questionable).  A fighter with a winning spirit.  So we took those qualities and made our own holiday that became a day for us to be unapologetic, indulgent, and hilarious.  In years past, we picked an "enemy" to pour all of our negative energy into.  Last year, that enemy was woodticks (some past honorable mentions belong to a jacket from work, geese, and who knows what else).

This year, we celebrated a little differently.  It has been a difficult year emotionally for both of us.  Motivation to celebrate anything has been challenging, and I am not even certain we celebrated Tonya Harding Day last year.  The year before we had planned to take the DTA city bus, but covid happened and public outings were banned.  

So this year on Feb 6th, Tonya Harding Day proper, we decided to finally take the bus downtown and just have an adventure.  See what we see.  Just let the day unfold as it shall and experience the day for what it is.

We were pleasantly surprised.  

I didn't know what to expect on the bus, but figured that I would see some shady characters on the bus and perhaps feel a little uncomfortable not having been on local public transportation since high school, which is far too many years ago to even count.

Some differences I noticed was that there was a bin in the front of the bus designated for groceries so that people could place their grocery bags in a secure bin rather than on the dirty floor.  Another was the difference in the request for the bus to stop.  In years past, it was just an annoying "DING".  Now, it was a very quiet ding followed by the robotic voice pronouncing "Stop requested".  

The passengers were surprisingly thankful.  Nearly every single person who departed the bus via the back door, thanked the bus driver at the front of the bus for the ride.  It brought tears to my eyes to see the humanity, the gratitude, and the kindness.  If the passenger did not say thank you, the bus driver saluted "have a nice day" as the passengers departed.  Heartwarming!  This happened on both the initial trip as well as the return trip which led me to assume this was a common occurrence on the bus.  Local culture on public transportation.  

Examples of the generosity of the human spirit were ever present.  One guy boarded the bus unable to pay.  The bus driver gave him a free ride.  A rough looking young couple in the front of the bus gladly moved to the back to free up closer seats when cane using passengers boarded.  A little dog toting lady in a wheelchair also boarded.  The driver took a few minutes to help secure her safely in her spot only to have to patiently unbuckle her just two blocks later.  

Yes, it was a lovely holiday.  The actual bus ride was the highlight, but we also enjoyed a delicious lunch (with a gift card), and a stroll through part of our skyway system.  

It did not escape us that we were using the bus voluntarily as a form of entertainment.  Something different.  New.  Most, if not all, people on the bus were riding it because they had to.  Though we had blast, we were very glad to not have to rely on public transportation on a daily basis.  It took one hour.....each way....to travel what would take about 20 minutes in our vehicle.  It was loud, dirty, cold, long, tiring.  But what we will remember is the heartwarming experience.

Both of us enjoy being at home and venturing with strange people can be anxiety inducing.  But once you leave the house, it isn't as scary as the imagination makes it out to be.  In fact, people are good and goodness exists all around, especially if your eyes are open to it.  Tonya Harding Day 2022 was an eye opening reminder of the goodness of people.   This year, a symbol of hope and light and love.  

Thanks, Tonya! 

Lyme Time

 Seems I always feel like I have so much on my mind, but when it comes time to put thoughts into words, I struggle.  Then I begin to worry about the judgement of myself and others potentially reading my blogs which increases any blockage that already exists.  

But here goes.  

In a previous post, I wrote a little about how Lyme disease works, the controversy surrounding it, and a snippet of my experience.  Two years in, and another current flare up, has given me a lot to process and accept.

So facebook has been showing me a lot of my "memories" from years past, and after reading them, I sometimes feel sad.  My posts are happy, uplifting, real, and full of life!  It makes me pine for that time and those feelings.  And I realized that I am kind of grieving the me that used to be.

I went from being called an "energizer bunny" to being a couch potato.  I went from having over 700 hours of sick time, to calling in sick for days, weeks, or even months at a time.  I went from being a loyal and prompt friend, to one who cancels plans at the last minute. A flake.  I went from being the friend who others called for support, to being the one who needed support.  I went from the sister/daughter/niece/partner who had it all together to being a wreck sobbing on the other end of the phone.  I went from having mild anxiety to having moderate to severe anxiety some days.  I went from feeling hopeful, optimistic, and grateful to feeling hopeless, pessimistic, and hateful.  I went from being relatively social to isolating myself almost completely (with recent strides to reconnect).   I went from being active to not even having the desire to be active.   From a morning person to an afternoon person.  From feeling full of life to feeling empty inside.  From eating whatever I wanted to reading labels, eating organic, and monitoring  sugar intake.  From having a way with words to staring blankly at the screen before me; each sentence a challenge to expel. 

More than just Lyme disease has contributed to all of the above, but having Lyme enter my body and my life has been life changing.  Life.  Changing.  Lyme stole my soul. 

Yes, stole my soul.

Its how I can best describe it.  To describe this in words is so hard, and I am desperate to be able to accurately explain how this feels.  And I am struggling to put this down in words.  Struggling.

Lyme feels like a dark force overtaking my body and mind.  The essence of who I am feels trapped way down deep inside while another entity acts on my behalf.  My thoughts are not mine.  

I can't continue as I am struggling to convey how this has affected me, but I will try to close with some hope.

I heard a quote (saw a meme) that said, "Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma.  That person doesn't exist anymore--there is a new you trying to be born.  Breathe life into that person."

As I move forward on this journey, I am going to nurture myself best I can.  Continue to battle the bacteria that are trying to be in control.  Find the gratitude that comes with every day and live in the abundance of blessings that surround me.  

Man, this isn't the post I set out to write at all, but it is what it is and so it shall be. 

Connecting Again (Part 2)

Christmas of 2021 prompted me to reach out to my niece Shayna, who has been absent from the family for 20 years or more!  After Leanne (her mom) and Bill got divorced, Leanne brainwashed Shayna into believing bad things about Bill and our family. Leanne withheld cards and presents and even stooped so low as to falsify an email from Shayna to Bill saying she wanted nothing to do with her dad.  Feeble attempts at reaching out has fallen flat.  Too much time, too much anxiety, and too much hurt has prevented any real relationship from growing.

Well, I got real brave and decided to apologize for past mistakes and invited Shayna to reconnect by going out to dinner.  She was brave herself and agreed!

With excitement and apprehension, we set a date and did not cancel.  Though we both were secretly hoping the other would do just that.  First meeting was awkward.  A hug and some nervous laughter preceded our meal, but once we sat down, it was surprisingly easy and natural.  She mentioned how she couldn't stop looking at me, seeing herself in my face.  I couldn't stop staring at her for the beautiful young woman she had become.  Regret was present for both of us as we realized all the wasted years that we can not get back.  I missed watching her grow.  She missed my guidance and love when her own mother could not provide that for her.  

But we have now, and we have decided we are going to build a relationship from here.  Our talk was crazy relatable.  Our lives are eerily similar.  And now that we are connecting, perhaps Shayna and her dad can reconnect as well.  They need each other, and time is limited.  

So yeah, reconnecting with my family has been wonderful.  Yet Bittersweet.  With reconnection come the reminders of the losses.  People I've lost.  Time that has been lost.  The only thing to do is move forward from here, knowing better and doing better.  

Setting out to 2022 with the intention to be the best version of me I can be.  Cheers!

Connecting Again (Part 1)

 Christmas 2021 was a milestone for me and my family.  For the first time since my mom died, eight years ago, we gathered together as a whole family on a holiday.  Since my mom has been gone, we have pretty much ignored any holidays, and certainly have not gotten together on any holiday.  For the first few years, Christmas did not even exist for us.  Never have we acknowledged a Thanksgiving as a family.  All doing our separate things.  Sure, there might be a stray text or perhaps even a phone call, but to celebrate and enjoy has been foreign to my family for eight years. 

This year, it just kind of came together.  I had plans to go to my dad's house certainly.  Naturally Bill would be there.  Then I invited my aunt Dorie, who is a very youthful 86!  Then John came on board on the 23rd, and finally Jim decided to come.

My energy and motivation is very lacking so I was quite up front and told all that I would not be making or providing food.  Just a gathering would be sufficient.  Though I felt a little guilty about my lack of bringing more festivity, I was happy to just have the family together on a holiday.  And bless Jim's girlfriend Shelly, who brought cheese and crackers.  And bless Bill's lady friend Judi who brought over 1/2 ham and some other leftovers.  It all came together.  Though it wasn't perfect, it was lovely and nice and wonderful.  

Even Amy came, which was her first family function of mine that she has attended.  It felt complete to have her there.  It could be material for a whole separate blog post, but she was the recipient of John's foot flakes when he took off his sock to show his healing burned up foot.  His skin flaked off and flew right at her face!  Was a funny memory for sure.  What a hazing!  

Though it was only a two hour gathering, it was a very important two hours.   We had our first family Christmas in 8 years, and hopefully it won't be our last.  We can build from here.  

Meet Franklin

Meet Franklin!  Also known as Mr. Bojangles, Globetrotter, Mr. Long Legs, LL Bean (Long Legged Boyfriend), Frankly.

He is a dream come true.  Found on Craig's list, Franklin is the answer to my prayers.  For several months, we had been searching for our snowshoe siamese "Tino cat".  Franklin is a snowshoe/ragdoll siamese mix and he couldn't be more perfect.  He came with his name of Franklin, and it seemed to fit so it stuck.  His litter was named after presidents, so he donned the name Franklin...as in Franklin Pierce (I didn't even know we had a president by that name.......).

Once Amy found him on Craig's list, I knew I had to arrange a way to get him.  Immediately I contacted the person and arranged to meet in Minneapolis the following day. Amy had to work, so Dorie went along for the ride and was my cat snuggler on the way home.  It was a fun, relaxing, and exciting day.  

Franklin is a very independent and mellow little fellow.  He arrived home and owned it.  Confident and sure....just like Tino.  I must admit, I was not head over heels in love right away, and dare I even admit I had a little bit of disappointment in coming to see that he was indeed NOT Tino.  I found myself comparing Franklin to Tino both in physical appearance and in behavior.  Internal reminders occurred daily to remind myself that he was his own little guy, that he was Franklin.  In addition, I was also hoping that Franklin would fill up my heart that seemed to be void of love...both coming in and going out.  And for the first few days/weeks, I came up empty.

Now that his little personality is developing so is our attachment and my obsession.  He still likes to "suckle" and attempts to nurse on our chest, neck and arms even giving a hickey a time or two!  He is playful, independent, and determined.  A gentle long legged little man!  He does not like to snuggle too much and prefers to sleep on his own...much to my dismay.   I'm hoping that will change and I encourage him to sleep on my lap any chance I can get.  After all, he has only been here a month or so and I can't expect us to have a deep bond in such a short time. 

Franklin has elicited an awakening of my heart.  I'm so curious to see who he becomes, who I become, and how our journey unfolds.  For me, Tino is the epitome of Love while Franklin represents Hope for all the goodness that is to come!  

Welcome Home, Fwankwin!!

Tiny Monster

 April of 2020 was a definite start of a very strange and scary adventure of sorts.  It started with a weird rash that landed me at the doctor's office with a diagnosis of "chiggers".   Chiggers are not known in these parts so it was a bit bizarre to hear.  That followed with a very strange list of symptoms.

• Severe bloat (I looked like I was 7 months pregnant...I'm not even exaggerating)
• Indigestion...belchy
• severe gag reflex, which was sometimes exercise induced, but was triggered by anything being near my mouth, or even the thought of it being near my mouth.
• Anorexia (see above)
• Nausea with sometimes productive vomit
• intense heart palpitations that you could see through my clothing, and that I could feel throughout my entire body.  
• Intense anxiety unlike what I have ever experienced before.  
• Jittery, shakey, tingles in my hands
• short of breath that led me unable to walk even down to the mailbox.  Sometimes I struggled to even walk to the bathroom.  
• Hard to stand for long periods of time
• Extreme fatigue that even prevented me from brushing my teeth.  I had to lean on the counter to prop my arm up enough to be able to brush my teeth.
• very dizzy
• noise sensitivity
• light headedness
• an extreme headache that later lessened to just a dull headache
• thirst
• extreme coldness that I sought out the bathtub several times a day to remedy
• extreme sweats mostly at night
• a "loud" brain..."brain on fire".   Paranoia
• Stomach discomfort, gassy
• exercise intolerance
• all the color in my face drained away and I became grey 
• thinning hair
• brain fog

 This list is not comprehensive.  It is easy to write, but it was very difficult to experience.  Despite having all these symptoms, I did not really believe I was sick.  Amy kept telling me I was sick, and I just dismissed it all as being anxiety.  Finally, after noticing the lack of normal stamina I had at work, I decided I needed to visit the doctor.   He was certain I had a tick borne illness, but even then, I tried to convince my doctor that "I was just anxious".   He ordered some blood tests (among several other tests: heart echo, CT, MRI, etc), and lo and behold, I had Lyme disease.  Tears of happiness and hope fell with the  relief to have a diagnosis that was "easily" treatable with antibiotics.  

What I didn't know at the time was that I was about to embark upon a foreign journey of illness for a year and a half.  Just now am I starting to feel more like my before Lyme self.  Before I venture into my personal experience with Lyme, let me just take a moment to share what I came to learn about the disease itself.  

Lyme disease is spread by a teeny tiny deer tick.  The size of the head of a needle.  The bacteria from deer tick gets into the bloodstream, but because it is a spirochete, it burrows into the muscles, fibers, and cells of the body.  It is a relative of Syphilis, but Lyme is 3 times smarter than Syphilis.  Often Lyme is called the "great imitator" because it takes on the symptoms of basically any illness.  At one point, I was being checked out for ovarian cancer, and then later for MS.  Because Lyme burrows in so deep, it can lay dormant until a moment of stress happens, then BAM! it shows up again.  

The craziest thing I came to learn is that Lyme disease itself is not recognized by main stream medicine.  Main Stream believes that Lyme can be treated and cured with a few weeks worth of antibiotics.  What main stream does not believe, is that it stays in the system to make reappearances possibly forever.  Since the CDC does not recognize it, to be treated for it requires a specialist that is not covered by insurances.  I found a specialist who practices about an hour from me so I drove to her to get the help I so desperately needed.  Seven months of crazy high doses of antibiotics (3200 mg daily) later, and I am hopeful for health once again.  At one point, I was taking over 20 pills a day!  Oh, and I was drinking volcanic ash to help detox.  

I am going to try my best to capture my experience with this disease.  All of those physical symptoms of this disease is nothing compared to the mental torture I experienced.  I had two main bouts of Lyme disease.  The first one, I was more physically ill.  The headache I had was unlike anything I have experienced before or since.  The pain was excruciating requiring me to use two ice packs, one on the back of my head, one of the front.  I literally could feel the bacteria climbing the back of my neck into my brain.  My first bout last almost two months.  Three weeks of antibiotics later, I thought I was done with Lyme.  

But I never felt completely better.  My mental health suffered greatly.   My relationship was affected immensely.  Stress was at at all time high, and like I said, stress brings about a lyme flare up.   Just before Christmas I had my second bout of Lyme.  This time, it was more mentally debilitating.  Best I can describe it is "I have rabies".  My brain felt like what I would imagine a rabid dog to experience.  Noise was very irritating, uncomfortable, and made me edgy.  The disease settled in my nervous system.  Infected my entire body, including my brain.  My brain!  Essentially I had a nervous breakdown.  

Anxiety was ever present and thoughts were uncontrollable.  I became paranoid.  My thoughts were so uncharacteristic of myself that I questioned if I had to be locked up somewhere.  I struggled to know what was real, still not completely accepting I was as sick as I was.  It felt as though I had a completely foreign being overtaking my body, and I guess I kind of did!  Several times, I felt as though who I was as a person was stuck somewhere deep inside the center of my stomach, and a dark force was acting on my behalf.  There were times where I was uncontrollably sobbing on the living room floor.  During these times, I felt like my soul was not present.  Unreachable.  I was trapped inside.  

I sought out the help of the lyme specialist and got on another round of high dose antibiotics.  There was an internal war going on in my body.  Bacteria vs antibiotics.  Both wanting to win desperately.  Taking antibiotics for Lyme is like detoxing.  One becomes sicker before they get better because the antibiotics are pulling the bacteria out from hiding in order to attack it.  Another month and half of physical illness left me disheartened and hopeless for a healthy future.  

Depression set it.  Unable to use my main coping skill of exercise, depression and anxiety were overtaking me.  Fast.  I lost any motivation I had left.  Panic attacks were present.  I felt disconnected from myself.  Disconnected from life.  Disconnected from everything.  "Lets get a dog!" I thought.  And we did.  Only that was not the brightest decision.  More stress.  More heartache when we ultimately decided to remedy that decision by rehoming the pup we fell in love with (see prior post).  

Fast forward to today.  One and a half years after my original lyme diagnosis, seven months of antibiotic use later, one trial of an antidepressant later, I am finally coming back from the depths of darkness.  Self care, proper nutrition, and stress reduction are key to continue to battle any bacteria that may still be present.  I'm hopeful that my lengthy and aggressive antibiotic treatment was enough to eradicate any and all of the illness.  Time will tell.  

I struggled to capture just how invasive this disease was for me, but I wanted to write this post so I can throw out my lyme disease folder of notes.  Here is to leaving illness behind while moving forward in wellness!