Saying Goodbye

 My mom used to tell me a story about how she knew I was a sensitive person when I was watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon from a highchair as a baby.  I have no recollection of this, but apparently there is an episode where Tom and Jerry have to wave goodbye to a lion friend of theirs who is sailing away on a boat (or something like that).   Toddler me was crying/sobbing along with Tom and Jerry while proclaiming  "They will never see the lion again".  

I have always hated goodbyes.  They make me ugly-cry emotional.  The last day of Jr. high school was a hyperventilating sob fest (in my defense this was a time before cell phones and social media which made staying in contact with my friends a little more difficult).  Even simple goodbyes like leaving a gathering or work is awkward for me.  My brother has earned the nickname "Houdini" because he is known to just disappear from social engagements.  Though I am not quite that bad, I, too, have been known to just slip out so that I don't have to bid my farewells.  

So, when I was presented with the idea of having a going away party for work, I immediately turned it down by adamantly saying "no way!"  

Not only am I bad at goodbyes, but I also don't like being the center of attention.  My mom had to come fetch me from the comfort of my bedroom during my high school graduation party because I was holed up in there avoiding all the people. 

A going away party for myself is just about the worst possible circumstance I could find myself in.  But after giving it some thought, I have decided to have a small, simple goodbye.  

I need it for myself to honor the job...and the people...I have worked with, laughed with, cried with, wrestled with, for 24 years.  Its a big deal and one that deserves a proper goodbye.  Going to work in hospice, I am going to have to approach these emotionally difficult situations with goodbyes that are far more gut wrenching than leaving a job.  So approach I will.  

Watching a Barbara Walters special yesterday, there was a quote that said, "You never die as long as people say your name".  This brought about a little fear and sadness within me because people do not ever remember my name.   I will never forget my time on 3 MHU, and I am just hoping 3MHU does not forget my time there either.  In my personal life, I do not have many in my family who are younger than me to share memories and "keep me alive" once I am gone from this world.  My legacy will be in the lives I have touched through my work in mental health and now hospice.  All of the staff who I have worked along side for 24 years will have some sort of my influence just as I have theirs.  And with that, I know that some of what I brought to that unit will carry on which gives me some peace in knowing.  Even if my name is not remembered, my energy remains always.  

Scully Cat

 This post is about Scully Cat!

Not the best pictures because I am having trouble uploading the ones I want.  Also I am mad at her today so she will just have to settle for some sub par photos.

As I type this, she is crawling all over my lap, blocking my view from the screen, and laying on my arm to paralyze it from doing anything other than moving my fingers.  But those are not the reasons I am upset with her today.

See, Scully does not care about anything.  She will do as she pleases.  So this morning she woke me up by scratching at the bedroom door, which we keep closed to ensure better quality sleep.  For if we don't, Scully will walk upon our heads and perch herself on our sleeping bodies as though she owns us.  So our door is closed. In front of our door is a protective barrier for the carpet as Scully has tried to claw her way into the bedroom causing quite some damage to the carpet.  So, we have a heavy duty welcome mat, underneath an electric shock causing mat, held down by a large boulder.  Still, Scully manages to claw through that all to wake me up in the morning.  

In order to not positively reinforce me getting out of bed to feed her, I instead opened the door and squirted her with a squirt bottle.  She got doused today!  I kept squirting her and squirting her as she bolted around the living room like a little space invader target.  

So,  yeah, I am a little annoyed with her today.  

She does not respond to discipline.  So we ultimately just give up trying.  The only cat who is "allowed" on the table and counter is Scully.  We don't so much allow it as surrender to it.  Its a lot of effort to discipline for nothing.  She is a little naughty and an ultimate brat-cat much like Nermal from Garfield.

Poor Scully sometimes gets the nickname of "Garbage" because she is just an ordinary run-of-the-mill kind of cat.  Not as unique as our other two.  However, she is very endearing, gentle, and sweet.  She is the most friendly-to-human cat we have at the moment.  She gives good snuggles, on her terms only.  If she is snuggling in, and you happen to move....or breathe....wrong, she leaves.  She makes a great lap cat if you don't move or make any noises.  When she wants affection though, there is not much you can do but to give it to her.  She will crawl upon your shoulder, walk in front of your face, dance in circles on your lap until her needs are met.  

Scully is smart!  She learned how to do the high-five paw shake after watching Margie do it JUST ONE TIME!  Smart she may be, but she is also a very proud cat.  Going for stroller rides and doing dog tricks are beneath her, if you know what I mean.  You be an often find Scully sleeping in a freshly laundered basket of clothing or underneath a small table we have named “jail”.  

My morning anger with her has already subsided as she sat upon my lap purring the whole while I wrote this out.  She knows how to manipulate and act all cute to get in good graces.   

We love our Scully Cat and are very happy she is part of our family!  

Decision Time

 Well I did it.  I took the leap!  I officially accepted the position of the bereavement coordinator and will be leaving the job I have loved for 24 years.  Well, I probably loved it for about 20 years.  The past four years or so, I have tolerated it.

Seriously though, each day at work has been difficult for me.  Claustrophobic, tedious, repetitive, old, boring.  Sure it is "easy money" and I still hope I made the right decision as I will be working quite a bit more than I am now.  Two more days a pay period more.  Even more if you count the days I currently give up to another worker or call in.  And lets face it, on those days I do give up, I don't really spend those days in any meaningful way....video games, television, maybe some housework.  Always justified because I "need to rest".  Perhaps I need to rest because my job sucks the life out of me leaving me nothing worthwhile on my days off.  

When I look into the future with my new position, I see vibrant colors and blooming flowers of all kinds.  When I look into the future for my current job, I see a dull flat line.  Grey. There is nothing left for me to really learn at my current job, and, in fact, it seems as though my responsibilities are diminishing.  Hence my decision.  A coworker, upon hearing my news, cautioned me against leaving.  Advised me to "Just take it one day at time, go inside yourself, and stay in your own lane".  Well, I don't want to take life one day at a time in the way this is meant.  Its slowly killing me....killing my spirit and my light.  I started counting how many shifts I had left until I could retire at over 3,000 shift.  I am down to 2,657 shifts, but that number has drastically decreased now that I officially accepted this new job!  

Instead, I am following something that brings me excitement, curiosity, stimulation.  I'll be learning something new, doing something new and hopefully feeling something fulfilling.  This will feed my energy leaving me not quite so fatigued so that my days off will be more quality.  That's my hope anyway.  

Oh I have concerns a plenty.  But overall, it feels right.  If I just sit in the feeling of it, it feels good.  If I let my thoughts take over, well, I think I am a fool.  "I left a perfectly good job", "I could potentially make more money in less days if I stayed", "Its easy", "I could get paid for doing crosswords or watching movies", "I don't have any clothes for this new job (currently wear scrubs to work and pajamas on my days off)", "What if I can't handle all the emotions and sadness", "I won't have as many days off as Amy", "what will I do in the summer when I want to be out playing and am instead stuck working".....and the list goes on.  

However, I feel like this decision is a culmination of everything that has happened over the past few years.  This is the moment life was creating.  I see God's hands in it.  From my illness, to my relationship issues, to my personal issues, grief, and even my therapy.  It all combined to create this moment so I feel I have no other choice BUT to accept this job.  The ultimate "Choose love over Fear moment"....and I'm choosing love for ME!  A decision I am making for ME.  One that I think my heart and soul want to make and that will hopefully enrich my life on many different levels.  

And today, my facebook is all about memes that say things like "Last year made you strong, Next year will make you happy", or "The best is yet to come".  I really feel like that is true.  The past year(s) made me strong so that I could make this decision confidently.   And I have heard it said that one does not regret the things that one does, but rather regrets what they don't do.  Oh I hope that is accurate!  

Sure there is some grief over leaving the job I have called family for almost a quarter of a century, and I don't think the reality of all of that has even hit me yet.  But I think I am ready.  I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and have done what I can there.  It is time to move on.  

A new couch

A new fridge (with all new food even)

A new job

A new year

A new Me.                                      

Conflicted

Life sure has become interesting quickly these past few weeks.  First, we both got the flu (or something similar that lasted weeks), then we had the tree guy issue (still not resolved).  Just a few days ago, our fridge decided this was a good time to die.  A new fridge has been ordered but will not be delivered for another week.  Thankfully it is winter so we have been able to use Mother Nature as our refrigerator and freezer.  All this just a week before Christmas.

But wait, there's more!

Of all things, I am pondering a career change.  After nearly 24 years on the unit, another job kind of popped up for me.  On a whim, I decided to apply.  I updated my resume halfheartedly, submitted it, and got a job interview.  I went into the interview blind and didn't really care the results of the interview since I already have a decent job that I usually don't mind.  

But then, I got offered the job!  

Now what do I do?  I'm trying to just sort out all of the thoughts in my head and thought I would just kind of ramble away here and see where my thoughts take me.

My new job would be as a bereavement coordinator through hospice, which is something I have been interested in ever since losing my mom.  A few of my friends have reached out to me after the passing of their mom, and I have been able to support them.  It brings me fulfillment and I can relate to the deep grief that losing a loved one brings.  

With this new job, comes working more:  both more days and more effort.  It also brings more autonomy with some days being able to work at home.  Less pay hourly, though over time, it would pay more as my current job is nearly capped out with my wage earnings.  I'm not in it for the money though.  I am in it to help people through their grief journey.  To provide some sort of support and connection during a time that one can feel alone and confused.  

Not to mention it would be a challenge, mentally stimulating, fresh, new, exciting.  Scary.  

But do I want to leave my current job?  A job I know and (used to) love.  A job that allows me to not work a lot but has the opportunity to pick up and make a lot of money if needed?  A job that is "easy".  One where I could do crossword puzzles and get paid a decent wage to do so.  But one where I am also kind of bored that feels like groundhog day.  

 One thing I do know, is that I used to work A LOT.  After my mom died, I slowed down a bit.  I decided that I wanted to enjoy life more.  Living life was more important that working so much.  And I have done just that for the past 9 years.  Living a life of leisure full of adventures: day trips, bike rides, kayaks, hikes, etc (before I got sick with Lyme anyway).  Not sure I want to sacrifice my ample opportunity of leisure.  

Just some random thoughts.  No clear answers.   One minute I am certain I will take the job, the next I am certain I will not.  Either way, it is validating and empowering to know that I CAN do something else if I so choose.  They hired me.  They wanted me!  They even adjusted the work hours in order to hire me.  Only I want them to adjust the hours even more.  I asked, and was denied.  Perhaps I ask again.  Perhaps I leave it up to that.  Ask again.  If they want me bad enough, they will hire me.  If not, maybe it just isn't meant to be.  I don't know.  

Monday I will be talking with Amy about it more seriously and I'm hoping it will bring some clarity for me.  I'm just proud I went through the process and even considered getting out of my comfort zone.  Whatever is meant to be, will be.    

Just blessed to be employed and to have options! 

A Job Not Done: Lessons Learned

 As a young teenager, I vividly remember preaching to my dad about why he should never pay somebody for a job that was not finished.  He did it all the time.  And jobs never got finished.  Never would I make that same mistake, right?  But adulting is hard sometimes, mistakes are made, and lessons are learned.

A few weeks ago, a tree guy was in the neighborhood taking down some troublesome branches and trees.  He was reasonably priced and seemed like a decent dude so I hired him to take down a bunch of overgrown and hazardous trees in my yard.  He would chop off the large limbs, stack them up neatly in a pile, out of the way, until he could come back and grab all the lumber.  Or so he said.  Well, he did come.  He did chop down some trees (Even the hammock tree, which he said he would leave...grrrrrr!).  The first part of the job was done.....and I went to pay him.  Why?  I don't know.  Because I am trusting and Believe someone will do something they say they will do.  I gave him his cash with his word that he would be back to collect the massive mess he left behind.  

Fast forward two weeks, several texts, several promises to come "tomorrow", one ominous blizzard approaching, and no word from Mr. Tree Guy.  Let it be known that in all of my texts, I was careful and cautious of my wording in case we ended up on Judge Judy...I didn't want to say anything that Judge Judy would scold me for.  I also made sure I made several references to having paid him so that that could not be disputed.  After all, I got no receipt and have no evidence of having even paid him since I had a load of cash at home (Bill paid me back).  So I was making my case for Judge Judy in text form (I think I would win!).  

Our yard is very soft.  Its not meant to have several hundred pounds of wood laying all over so this was very concerning, causing sleepless nights and frantic texts for him to come before the expected 20 inches of snow fell.  No word. 

So what does one do?  One comes home from work and watches Little House on the Prairie.  Well, poor pregnant Laura is tending the the farm during a drought when Manly (Oh how I hate that nickname!) was out of town earning a whopping $150.  Laura hauled buckets and buckets of water during a rare Minnesota heatwave in order to save her orchard.  

The wood in our yard was not going to move itself, and the tree guy certainly made it clear he was not going to finish his job.  So out I went.  Inspired by Laura....and my own anal-ness about having a tidy yard.  How in the WORLD am I going to mow in the spring time?!  

I hauled tons of wood!  Piled it in inconspicuous areas of the yard that would cause the least amount of damage.  Both to the yard and to the eyes.  Some of the pieces had to be hundreds of pounds, and those are the ones I rolled away best I could.  All the physical labor (two straight hours) helped to expel all the rage I was feeling from this situation.  Two neighbor boys did come by (dressed in crocks, shorts, and short sleeve t-shirts in the middle of December with a blizzard approaching) and helped a great deal.  They didn't last too long due to their attire and age 10 muscles, but they certainly earned their $20.  

Stone Soup.  In the Little House episode, Ma tells the story to the school children about Stone Soup....how a bunch of people can come together to accomplish something.  All the children went to Laura's to help her with her orchard.  And that is exactly what I experienced!  The neighborhood children came to help me out.  Together we got all the wood moved minutes before it started to freezing rain.  Something else to be thankful for.  

 In the midst of a crummy situation, beauty also exists.  A wonderful wife who is so forgiving for my errors in judgment and who supported me during my rageful time, neighbors who came together to help us out, and other neighbors who I know got our back when times are not easy.  Its heartwarming to see people pull together to help each other out and to celebrate what is good and true in this world. 

Lets not forget about Lessons Learned here.  So many lessons.  

One).  Never pay for a job that is not complete.  This lesson I have always known, but now I have learned.

Two).  Get a contract.  In writing.

Three).  Never pay in cash.

Four).  Get the guy's name.  I don't know his name or the name of his company!  What a fool!!  

Five).  Don't steal.  Sometimes I have this habit of stealing things from the store...like cat litter, cat food, cherries....Its always been justified that I am not stealing from a human, but I am.  Plus Karma.  I do not like this feeling of being taken advantage of.  Its gross.  Its not something I want to support.  Just be honest and real.  I bet if I acted more accordingly, Karma would also act accordingly.  

Canadia Land

Living just two hours from the Canadian Border my whole life, I have always wanted to venture to Canada.  A bucket list item you might say.  Actually, my bucket list item was to cross the Canadian Border, not necessarily go to Canada.  After Covid prevented this from happening two years ago, this was the year to make it happen.  It also happened to be Amy's and my seven year Anniversary so it was extra special.  

We have seen the border before, but never crossed it.   It was a little nerve wracking approaching the border patrol agent even though we weren't international smuggles of any kind.  Unless you count egg salad sandwiches.  We packed our own lunch to have lovely picnic at our first Canadian stop: Kakabeka Falls.  When the patrol agent started to question us if we had any poultry items on board including turkey, chicken, or eggs, I began to panic.  What do I say?  Do I tell the truth and risk them confiscating our organic egg salad sandwich lunch we were eagerly anticipating?  No, don't lie.  Just tell the truth.  So I came clean.  Admitted the contraband we had on board.  Thankfully he let us enter since the poultry items he was referring to was LIVE poultry and unprocessed egg items.  At least we could eat our sandwiches without a guilty conscious thinking the Canadian Mounted Police would come get us.

Next up:  Kakabeka Falls!  Also known as the "Niagra of the North" because of its sheer size.  Though no comparison to the real Niagara Falls (also on my bucket list), Kakabeka was definitely the biggest waterfall either one of us have ever seen. 

We enjoyed our almost illegal sandwiches and then went on a lovely hike in the Canadian wilderness.  It was a perfect hike with just the right amount of hills, climbs, miles, and surprises like this one below. 

Another smaller waterfall put a giant smile on my face and some pep in my step.  This hike was one of the longer and effort inducing hikes I have been on since recovering from Lyme, and I am happy to report that I was able to do it without much struggle.  

Canada was pretty much like home.  Only different.  We rode our bikes around our equivalent of Bayfront Park and Canal Park.  We found ourselves in the middle of a lovely outdoor festival where we partook in some legalized greenery and some delicious ice cream. 

Our hotel was an interesting experience.   Our room number was 217, which is well known to be one of the most haunted rooms in the Stanley Hotel from the Shining.  Though cool in and of itself, our room was anything but.  Amy got a horrible asthmatic reaction from a horrible odor or from the incredibly moldy air conditioner that blocked what should have been our lake view.  Instead, we had a teeny tiny window that we had to stand up to enjoy any view of the lake.  

Still, we had a wonderful vacation.  Before heading home we hiked another hike at Cascade Falls where there was reported to be a group of "mermaids" hanging about.  Though we did not see the mermaids, we saw plenty of trees, mushrooms, squirrels, and babbling rivers of water....just like home.  Also we made a must do stop at Walmart to see the different food items they had available.  We packed our bags with chips (All dressed chips) and several different chocolate candy bars (afterall, we were still in Canada where weed is legal) and headed back home, across the border once again.  Reentering the US was equally intimidating with camera taking pictures of the vehicle and yet another border patrol agent questioning what we were bringing back.  Again, I got all nervous and confessed our smuggle.  Chips and candy.  Though it was "just Canada", it was a little sigh of relief to be back on American soil where the speed limit is posted in Miles and not Kilometers.  

Though I got a bucket list item knocked off, the best part of the whole trip was just spending time with my lady on our 7th Anniversary.  I could not ask for a better travel partner nor a better life partner.  I am excited to continue crossing bucket list items off as we continue to venture through this weird and wonderful world together.  

Mother's Day postpartum

Today marks the 9th Mother's Day without my mom.  Crazy to think its been that long!

My first few Mother's Day after she died were really difficult.  I took those days to just be sad.  Cry.  Remember.  Grieve.  Then I got to thinking that I did not want to be sad on a day of such remembrance, and instead I wanted to honor my mom.   Celebrate her!  Of course, both things can exist, and they sure do.

One thing that I have adopted as a way to celebrate my mom is to brighten someone else's day with flowers.  I used to buy my mom all of her spring flowers for Mother's Day so I am always sure to get myself a hanging basket in her memory as well as gift someone else with flowers.  I try to pick someone who might also find this day to be a difficult one.  The first year, I gifted flowers to a coworker who has a strained relationship with her son.  The year after, another coworker who had recently lost her mom.   Followed by another coworker who lost her mom to suicide.  Last year, it was a male coworker whose mom died years ago.  This year, I am going to bring flowers to my niece who has a strained relationship with her own mom.  Its a perfect way to honor my beautiful mother and to keep her memory alive.  To think of all the people she continues to touch even years after her death is pretty astounding.  

Mother's Day is my own sacred holiday for just me and my mom.  All the other holidays and significant days (like her Birthday or death day) has me checking in with all my family members to acknowledge both my mom's life and also our loss.  But Mother's Day, I keep to myself.  Quietly celebrating the woman who gave me life and helped me be who I am today.  I miss her everyday.  

Happy Mother's Day!