. . . .And Then There Were Three

She wasn't even gone yet, and already I was acting as though she was. Last night on this blog, I deleted her picture and changed some headings to reflect "3" instead of "4". It will be weird to answer "Three" to the question "how many cats do you have?" Punkin has been with me for exactly 18 years. Her entire life; half of my entire life. She is the longest relationship I have ever had aside from my immediate family.

The decision to put an animal to sleep is heart wrenching and guilt provoking. How do you know when the time is right? The answer to that is: You just know. The difficult factor with Punkin is that she wasn't in pain. Or at least she didn't seem to be in pain. But she was sick. Sick with a hyperthyroid which medication did not seem to help. And she was messing in the house. Vomit, urine, and more vomit. One day, there were 7 different piles. And her back legs were about giving in. And she was deaf. But she was happy. Just last night she sat on my lap purring away while I silently said goodbye with several kisses. Goodbye. The most difficult word in the English language for me to say.

All day long, I held it together pretty good. I arranged for a dear friend to take Punky in for me. I couldn't do it myself, and I figured her loss would be torture enough. Why torture myself further. Another dear friend distracted me with a trip to Gooseberry Falls which is where I will now think of Punky's resting place since I declined to have any other reminders or keepsakes other than my own photos and memories.

Leaving my house to go to Gooseberry was difficult for I knew that once I left my house, I would not see her ever again. I left without saying the "G" word. Without anything. I said what I needed to say last night and throughout her entire life. I fed her her last meal which was Super Supper 9 Lives. I hope she was happy with that choice. So I left. I waited in the car while Kara came in to say her goodbyes and we went on our merry way.

She was on my mind all day, but Gooseberry was a lovely distraction. A purrfect distraction you might say. Beautiful and Gorgeous. Perfect in all other sense of the word.

I kept it together quite well. Came home. Called my mom and informed her. Pulled myself together and took the dogs for a hike. Now that I am home, not having to put on a front, reality is setting in. Nobody to see the rest of the day so tears are flowing freely as I clean out her food dishes, rinse out her litter box, and blog. But blog I must for I need to release it somehow.

Few people know because it hurts too much to tell anyone. Sympathetic How Are Yous or I'm Sorries will put me into uncontrollable sobs at this point so people must not know quite yet. Not until I can tell them without bursting into an ugly cry. For all 3 of you who may or may not read this, please respect that for me at this time. I don't need hugs or how are yous or cards or anything nor do I want them. Life as usual. I know you all care; I know what you want to say; I know you are sorry. And thank you for all of that. I feel your love and your sympathy.

Whenever I see a warm patch of sunlight, I will be reminded of Punky's love shining down on me and she will remain in a corner of my heart forever. I love you and miss you deeply.