Rescuer. That is who I am. Rescuing nearly every member of my family out of whatever crisis they may be enduring has been a constant in my life since as far back as I can remember. Be it money, babysitting, advice, moral support, or a place to stay. I rescue because A). They need rescuing and B). It feels good. Like Phoebe from Friends said, "There is no selfless good deed". She argued that people do good deeds for the sole purpose of feeling good, therefore concluding that even doing good is selfish.
And really, what is wrong with that?
By making myself feel uplifted, the receiving people reap the benefits so its a win-win situation. Full circle you might say.
But there is a downside of being the hero. With that comes expectation that the receiver will succeed in that if you help them out, they will flourish. As in the case with the Touhy family from the Blindside movie where they took in a homeless teen who went on to become a professional football player. He strived because of the opportunities the Touhy's provided, their belief in him, and his own will to succeed.
Though that was a "true story", real life doesn't always work out like Hollywood.
Finding a box of needles and a vial of an unknown fluid in my niece's belongings the other day just about crushed me. Sure I was concerned for her safety, but really, it was more about me. I felt like a failure. I provided her with a place to stay when her own parents would not welcome her. And beyond that, I laid down some pretty strict ground rules which she not only agreed to, but also welcomed. I couldn't "save" her.
Then I put my work hat on and reminded myself that it wasn't me. It was her. Her choices, her decisions. I can provide the opportunities, but she needs to have Michael Oher's will to succeed. I can only do so much, and like I said before, the rest is up to her.
Now, that vial is in being tested to find out what that fluid was (methadone?, morphine?). Nikki claims it was water which she used to flush out her needles when she was using. She says she hasn't used in several weeks, and that this box happened to be in her belongings when she moved her stuff here. When she found it in her belongings, she "freaked", didn't know what to do, and put them aside. She says this with sincerity, and I want to believe her. However, I am also realistic and skeptical of this crafty drug user who is residing in my home.
We're still waiting for the test results of what that fluid was. If it is water, I will continue playing rescuer. If it isn't water, well, I may have to hang that hat up on this one.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Learning to Share
My whole life I have never really had to share. I had my own bedroom growing up, and having 3 brothers, I never even had to share clothes, belongings, or even toys really. Never have I had a roommate let alone a house guest if only for a week or so. What's mine has always been, well.......mine. And I like it that way.
So now that my niece has moved in, I have to learn to share. Its an adjustment for sure. For example, I came home from work today intending on doing laundry only to find the dryer full of all of her clothes. She is not even here to remove them. So I can either remove them myself or wait a bit longer to do my own clothes. At least it is a good excuse to postpone the laundry :)
Sharing is not easy when I have spent 37 years doing what I want to do when I want to do it. However, sharing my stuff is far easier than sharing my space. Gone are the days of bathing (and peeing) with the door open.
On the upside, my cats have a buddy when I am not home. I have an extra body to help with shoveling or hauling in groceries. Selfishly, it gives me peace of mind knowing I am doing the right thing by helping out a struggling family member.
And, if I die or take ill, I have someone who will be right here to find my lifeless body so the cats don't eat me.
So now that my niece has moved in, I have to learn to share. Its an adjustment for sure. For example, I came home from work today intending on doing laundry only to find the dryer full of all of her clothes. She is not even here to remove them. So I can either remove them myself or wait a bit longer to do my own clothes. At least it is a good excuse to postpone the laundry :)
Sharing is not easy when I have spent 37 years doing what I want to do when I want to do it. However, sharing my stuff is far easier than sharing my space. Gone are the days of bathing (and peeing) with the door open.
On the upside, my cats have a buddy when I am not home. I have an extra body to help with shoveling or hauling in groceries. Selfishly, it gives me peace of mind knowing I am doing the right thing by helping out a struggling family member.
And, if I die or take ill, I have someone who will be right here to find my lifeless body so the cats don't eat me.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Stands to Reason
My parents are the most difficult people in the world to buy gifts for, but I think my dad even has my mom trumped in that department. Buying gifts for him is extremely difficult. Every year at this time I get a call from my brother who asks me for ideas. Of course I keep the good ideas for myself, and by the time those are used up, I am fresh out of good ideas.
So when that predictable annual call came this year, I, naturally, had no ideas. My brother called my mom, my aunt (my dad's sister), and me all for advice on what to get Dad. We all came up empty.
Then my brother informs me that he is going to call on someone he sought advice from last year. Someone who gave him some pretty decent ideas.
The local Bartender.
My brother and I chuckled at the absurd reality that the Bartender knows our dad better than anybody in our entire family. But the fact is, he has always spent more time at the bar anyway, so it stands to reason I guess.
So when that predictable annual call came this year, I, naturally, had no ideas. My brother called my mom, my aunt (my dad's sister), and me all for advice on what to get Dad. We all came up empty.
Then my brother informs me that he is going to call on someone he sought advice from last year. Someone who gave him some pretty decent ideas.
The local Bartender.
My brother and I chuckled at the absurd reality that the Bartender knows our dad better than anybody in our entire family. But the fact is, he has always spent more time at the bar anyway, so it stands to reason I guess.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Giving Birth
I did something I never thought I'd do today. I gave birth. Well, not to a bouncing human baby or anything, but rather to a rectangular piece of technology. Otherwise known as a cell phone. An Iphone 4 to be exact.
After months of contemplating the inevitable, I decided to join the modern times, abandon my stubborn ways, and purchase this new appendage.
An acquaintance warned me against getting one insisting that it would be the equivalent of getting a child. Indeed it is.
Like a child, I must protect it. Before leaving the house, I now have to take notice of where my phone is, and bundle it up to take along for the ride. When it is in my presence, I must always be mindful of where it is, what it is doing. When it is not in my care, I will, certainly, be wondering what it is doing.
And tonight, while washing dishes, my new "child" cried for me. I debated whether or not to abandon my household duties to answer its cries, but decided it could wait. Afterall, I don't want to spoil it, and my dishes had to get clean.
That brings me to my pledge. I vow to not be a cell phone snob. I won't make my new phone my priority when I am hanging out with buds. Certainly I will become adept at hitting the "ignore" button. My phone will not venture with me on most hikes (or at least be on SILENT) as I want to experience nature without the intrusion of technology. I vow I will put my physically present friends above my technology texting friends remembering that the texters can wait. It does not have to be much different than having a land line in that messages can be left, texts can be returned, and there is no law that says a phone MUST be answered (though I think some people believe that law does exist).
Much like a new baby requires an adjustment period, so does this new rectangular child of mine. For the next few days, I will want it within my sight at all times, be scared to leave it when it comes time to go to work, and be eagerly anticipating when I can pick it up once again.
Also, like a new baby, It was love at first sight.
After months of contemplating the inevitable, I decided to join the modern times, abandon my stubborn ways, and purchase this new appendage.
An acquaintance warned me against getting one insisting that it would be the equivalent of getting a child. Indeed it is.
Like a child, I must protect it. Before leaving the house, I now have to take notice of where my phone is, and bundle it up to take along for the ride. When it is in my presence, I must always be mindful of where it is, what it is doing. When it is not in my care, I will, certainly, be wondering what it is doing.
And tonight, while washing dishes, my new "child" cried for me. I debated whether or not to abandon my household duties to answer its cries, but decided it could wait. Afterall, I don't want to spoil it, and my dishes had to get clean.
That brings me to my pledge. I vow to not be a cell phone snob. I won't make my new phone my priority when I am hanging out with buds. Certainly I will become adept at hitting the "ignore" button. My phone will not venture with me on most hikes (or at least be on SILENT) as I want to experience nature without the intrusion of technology. I vow I will put my physically present friends above my technology texting friends remembering that the texters can wait. It does not have to be much different than having a land line in that messages can be left, texts can be returned, and there is no law that says a phone MUST be answered (though I think some people believe that law does exist).
Much like a new baby requires an adjustment period, so does this new rectangular child of mine. For the next few days, I will want it within my sight at all times, be scared to leave it when it comes time to go to work, and be eagerly anticipating when I can pick it up once again.
Also, like a new baby, It was love at first sight.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Up to Her
My niece Nikki and I have always had a close bond. Her circumstances were not the greatest being raised by an alcoholic father and a drug addicted mother. Her parents eventually separated which led to her mom being in several unhealthy and abusive relationships, which Nikki was witness to and probably victim of. Her mom lost custody so Nikki went to live with her alcoholic father. There, her life wasn't horrible, but it certainly wasn't perfect. Nikki basically had no supervision from a very early age (she even landed in the hospital for malnutrition since she lived off of Doritos and soda).
Enter me. As a child, I took her on special vacations to Wisconsin Dells and Valleyfair. She spent days (and even weeks) at my house in the summer. I was able to provide her with a little bit of stability, if even for a few days. We were buds.
Then life happened. Nikki became a victim of her past, blamed her parents, and began acting out. She spent time in several treatment facilities, but none seemed to impact her. In fact, she began cutting on herself, drinking, using drugs (including needles), and was quite promiscuous (with girls so at least no risk of pregnancy....whew!). And she never completed school.
Recently she finished treatment for drugs and alcohol, but weeks after, ended up with a DUI and domestic assault charge against her then girlfriend.
She is now homeless. Not welcome at her mom's house, and not willing to live with her dad, she is now staying at the local homeless shelter.
She phoned me last night to get a ride to the shelter. By the time I got back to her, she found her own ride there. Since she had inquired earlier about living with me, and being denied, she did not inquire again. And I did not offer. Part of me wanted her to experience the shelter, see where her life is going, where her choices have got her. Part of me was upset, disappointed, and a bit disgusted with her. I had high hopes for that girl and wanted her to be successful.
But then I couldn't sleep last night.
After careful consideration, I decided to offer my home to my niece. Oh, there will be rules. Strict rules. After 19 years of not having any rules, this may come as a bit of a shock to her, but if she doesn't abide by them, she will be evicted. At least I attempted. At least I tried. The rest is up to her.
There will be a contract (including rent) and basic expectations (including getting a job and obtaining her GED). It will be clear that I am not here to provide entertainment for her, but rather as a stepping stone to a better life.
Like I said, I will provide the tools, the rest is up to her.
Enter me. As a child, I took her on special vacations to Wisconsin Dells and Valleyfair. She spent days (and even weeks) at my house in the summer. I was able to provide her with a little bit of stability, if even for a few days. We were buds.
Then life happened. Nikki became a victim of her past, blamed her parents, and began acting out. She spent time in several treatment facilities, but none seemed to impact her. In fact, she began cutting on herself, drinking, using drugs (including needles), and was quite promiscuous (with girls so at least no risk of pregnancy....whew!). And she never completed school.
Recently she finished treatment for drugs and alcohol, but weeks after, ended up with a DUI and domestic assault charge against her then girlfriend.
She is now homeless. Not welcome at her mom's house, and not willing to live with her dad, she is now staying at the local homeless shelter.
She phoned me last night to get a ride to the shelter. By the time I got back to her, she found her own ride there. Since she had inquired earlier about living with me, and being denied, she did not inquire again. And I did not offer. Part of me wanted her to experience the shelter, see where her life is going, where her choices have got her. Part of me was upset, disappointed, and a bit disgusted with her. I had high hopes for that girl and wanted her to be successful.
But then I couldn't sleep last night.
After careful consideration, I decided to offer my home to my niece. Oh, there will be rules. Strict rules. After 19 years of not having any rules, this may come as a bit of a shock to her, but if she doesn't abide by them, she will be evicted. At least I attempted. At least I tried. The rest is up to her.
There will be a contract (including rent) and basic expectations (including getting a job and obtaining her GED). It will be clear that I am not here to provide entertainment for her, but rather as a stepping stone to a better life.
Like I said, I will provide the tools, the rest is up to her.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Leggings
Just as I entered the 21st Century by updating my hair style, I am edging closer to the 80's again with my wardrobe. But its the "new" style now so I'm good.
Yesterday I bought my first pair of.....leggings.
Yes, leggings. They were my standard style of dress in the 80's. Remember the stirrup pants? I always felt like going out and riding a horse when I wore those (though I have never been on a horse before). Do people who ride horses actually wear stirrups or did I just feel like riding a horse because of the name "stirrup"? Things that make ya go "hmmmm"......
Anyway, I forgot how comfortable legging are!! Wow! So cozy, soft and flexible. The complete opposite of jeans. Then of course, a person can get the best of the leggings world AND the jeans world and wear the ever ambiguous "jeggings". No, I don't think I will go that far, but Yes, yes, I may start wearing more leggings.
However, I am not completely comfortable in them yet so not sure I will wear them around my work crew just yet. For now, they will be my day off attire.
So, moving forward with the hair and backward with the clothes :)
Yesterday I bought my first pair of.....leggings.
Yes, leggings. They were my standard style of dress in the 80's. Remember the stirrup pants? I always felt like going out and riding a horse when I wore those (though I have never been on a horse before). Do people who ride horses actually wear stirrups or did I just feel like riding a horse because of the name "stirrup"? Things that make ya go "hmmmm"......
Anyway, I forgot how comfortable legging are!! Wow! So cozy, soft and flexible. The complete opposite of jeans. Then of course, a person can get the best of the leggings world AND the jeans world and wear the ever ambiguous "jeggings". No, I don't think I will go that far, but Yes, yes, I may start wearing more leggings.
However, I am not completely comfortable in them yet so not sure I will wear them around my work crew just yet. For now, they will be my day off attire.
So, moving forward with the hair and backward with the clothes :)
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Energy of the Moon
Bundling up on a frigid Winter night to face the bitter cold is a fun challenge. There is just something about putting on enough layers to feel toasty warm when the temperature says 2 degrees. Sure, a person might feel a bit like Ralphie's brother, Randy, in the movie "A Christmas Story", but its like an act of defiance.
Mother Nature, or maybe Jack Frost, dares you to get out and experience the chilly air. Add to that a full moon and cloudless night, and its an unavoidable temptation.
A temptation I succumbed to tonight. The moon was crazy gorgeous as it was rising so I put on my snow pants, my down jacket, hat, boots, mittens, and all the necessary winter gear and ventured out for a full moon experience. Last year I wanted to experience every full moon of the winter, but succeeded in only enjoying about 3 full moon lit nights.
Off to Enger Tower I went, good buddy in tow. Peering down over our beautiful city under a full moon was awesome. The silvery moon shone down on the calm Lake, perfectly highlighting a single ship waiting to enter the Harbor. Just below, the lights of Bentlyville (a Christmas light show spectacular) twinkled and blinked to unheard Christmas carols.
Spooky shadows danced upon the frozen ground as we made our way back to the vehicle. Though it was brisk, we took refuge beneath our furry hoods which served as a wind shield for our faces. Yes, we beat the cold. We won. The cold did not prevent us from taking in the beautiful sights our city has to offer. And, in fact, we stayed warm.
Each full moon brings about a new found energy. Rumor has it nursing homes and.....mental health units....are a bit more unsettled during the full moon. I certainly feel how this could be true since I become exhilarated from soaking up the energy of the moon.
Like last year, I again intend to appreciate each full moon of the season.
Mother Nature, or maybe Jack Frost, dares you to get out and experience the chilly air. Add to that a full moon and cloudless night, and its an unavoidable temptation.
A temptation I succumbed to tonight. The moon was crazy gorgeous as it was rising so I put on my snow pants, my down jacket, hat, boots, mittens, and all the necessary winter gear and ventured out for a full moon experience. Last year I wanted to experience every full moon of the winter, but succeeded in only enjoying about 3 full moon lit nights.
Off to Enger Tower I went, good buddy in tow. Peering down over our beautiful city under a full moon was awesome. The silvery moon shone down on the calm Lake, perfectly highlighting a single ship waiting to enter the Harbor. Just below, the lights of Bentlyville (a Christmas light show spectacular) twinkled and blinked to unheard Christmas carols.
Spooky shadows danced upon the frozen ground as we made our way back to the vehicle. Though it was brisk, we took refuge beneath our furry hoods which served as a wind shield for our faces. Yes, we beat the cold. We won. The cold did not prevent us from taking in the beautiful sights our city has to offer. And, in fact, we stayed warm.
Each full moon brings about a new found energy. Rumor has it nursing homes and.....mental health units....are a bit more unsettled during the full moon. I certainly feel how this could be true since I become exhilarated from soaking up the energy of the moon.
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