Decision Time

 Well I did it.  I took the leap!  I officially accepted the position of the bereavement coordinator and will be leaving the job I have loved for 24 years.  Well, I probably loved it for about 20 years.  The past four years or so, I have tolerated it.

Seriously though, each day at work has been difficult for me.  Claustrophobic, tedious, repetitive, old, boring.  Sure it is "easy money" and I still hope I made the right decision as I will be working quite a bit more than I am now.  Two more days a pay period more.  Even more if you count the days I currently give up to another worker or call in.  And lets face it, on those days I do give up, I don't really spend those days in any meaningful way....video games, television, maybe some housework.  Always justified because I "need to rest".  Perhaps I need to rest because my job sucks the life out of me leaving me nothing worthwhile on my days off.  

When I look into the future with my new position, I see vibrant colors and blooming flowers of all kinds.  When I look into the future for my current job, I see a dull flat line.  Grey. There is nothing left for me to really learn at my current job, and, in fact, it seems as though my responsibilities are diminishing.  Hence my decision.  A coworker, upon hearing my news, cautioned me against leaving.  Advised me to "Just take it one day at time, go inside yourself, and stay in your own lane".  Well, I don't want to take life one day at a time in the way this is meant.  Its slowly killing me....killing my spirit and my light.  I started counting how many shifts I had left until I could retire at over 3,000 shift.  I am down to 2,657 shifts, but that number has drastically decreased now that I officially accepted this new job!  

Instead, I am following something that brings me excitement, curiosity, stimulation.  I'll be learning something new, doing something new and hopefully feeling something fulfilling.  This will feed my energy leaving me not quite so fatigued so that my days off will be more quality.  That's my hope anyway.  

Oh I have concerns a plenty.  But overall, it feels right.  If I just sit in the feeling of it, it feels good.  If I let my thoughts take over, well, I think I am a fool.  "I left a perfectly good job", "I could potentially make more money in less days if I stayed", "Its easy", "I could get paid for doing crosswords or watching movies", "I don't have any clothes for this new job (currently wear scrubs to work and pajamas on my days off)", "What if I can't handle all the emotions and sadness", "I won't have as many days off as Amy", "what will I do in the summer when I want to be out playing and am instead stuck working".....and the list goes on.  

However, I feel like this decision is a culmination of everything that has happened over the past few years.  This is the moment life was creating.  I see God's hands in it.  From my illness, to my relationship issues, to my personal issues, grief, and even my therapy.  It all combined to create this moment so I feel I have no other choice BUT to accept this job.  The ultimate "Choose love over Fear moment"....and I'm choosing love for ME!  A decision I am making for ME.  One that I think my heart and soul want to make and that will hopefully enrich my life on many different levels.  

And today, my facebook is all about memes that say things like "Last year made you strong, Next year will make you happy", or "The best is yet to come".  I really feel like that is true.  The past year(s) made me strong so that I could make this decision confidently.   And I have heard it said that one does not regret the things that one does, but rather regrets what they don't do.  Oh I hope that is accurate!  

Sure there is some grief over leaving the job I have called family for almost a quarter of a century, and I don't think the reality of all of that has even hit me yet.  But I think I am ready.  I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and have done what I can there.  It is time to move on.  

A new couch

A new fridge (with all new food even)

A new job

A new year

A new Me.                                      

Conflicted

Life sure has become interesting quickly these past few weeks.  First, we both got the flu (or something similar that lasted weeks), then we had the tree guy issue (still not resolved).  Just a few days ago, our fridge decided this was a good time to die.  A new fridge has been ordered but will not be delivered for another week.  Thankfully it is winter so we have been able to use Mother Nature as our refrigerator and freezer.  All this just a week before Christmas.

But wait, there's more!

Of all things, I am pondering a career change.  After nearly 24 years on the unit, another job kind of popped up for me.  On a whim, I decided to apply.  I updated my resume halfheartedly, submitted it, and got a job interview.  I went into the interview blind and didn't really care the results of the interview since I already have a decent job that I usually don't mind.  

But then, I got offered the job!  

Now what do I do?  I'm trying to just sort out all of the thoughts in my head and thought I would just kind of ramble away here and see where my thoughts take me.

My new job would be as a bereavement coordinator through hospice, which is something I have been interested in ever since losing my mom.  A few of my friends have reached out to me after the passing of their mom, and I have been able to support them.  It brings me fulfillment and I can relate to the deep grief that losing a loved one brings.  

With this new job, comes working more:  both more days and more effort.  It also brings more autonomy with some days being able to work at home.  Less pay hourly, though over time, it would pay more as my current job is nearly capped out with my wage earnings.  I'm not in it for the money though.  I am in it to help people through their grief journey.  To provide some sort of support and connection during a time that one can feel alone and confused.  

Not to mention it would be a challenge, mentally stimulating, fresh, new, exciting.  Scary.  

But do I want to leave my current job?  A job I know and (used to) love.  A job that allows me to not work a lot but has the opportunity to pick up and make a lot of money if needed?  A job that is "easy".  One where I could do crossword puzzles and get paid a decent wage to do so.  But one where I am also kind of bored that feels like groundhog day.  

 One thing I do know, is that I used to work A LOT.  After my mom died, I slowed down a bit.  I decided that I wanted to enjoy life more.  Living life was more important that working so much.  And I have done just that for the past 9 years.  Living a life of leisure full of adventures: day trips, bike rides, kayaks, hikes, etc (before I got sick with Lyme anyway).  Not sure I want to sacrifice my ample opportunity of leisure.  

Just some random thoughts.  No clear answers.   One minute I am certain I will take the job, the next I am certain I will not.  Either way, it is validating and empowering to know that I CAN do something else if I so choose.  They hired me.  They wanted me!  They even adjusted the work hours in order to hire me.  Only I want them to adjust the hours even more.  I asked, and was denied.  Perhaps I ask again.  Perhaps I leave it up to that.  Ask again.  If they want me bad enough, they will hire me.  If not, maybe it just isn't meant to be.  I don't know.  

Monday I will be talking with Amy about it more seriously and I'm hoping it will bring some clarity for me.  I'm just proud I went through the process and even considered getting out of my comfort zone.  Whatever is meant to be, will be.    

Just blessed to be employed and to have options! 

A Job Not Done: Lessons Learned

 As a young teenager, I vividly remember preaching to my dad about why he should never pay somebody for a job that was not finished.  He did it all the time.  And jobs never got finished.  Never would I make that same mistake, right?  But adulting is hard sometimes, mistakes are made, and lessons are learned.

A few weeks ago, a tree guy was in the neighborhood taking down some troublesome branches and trees.  He was reasonably priced and seemed like a decent dude so I hired him to take down a bunch of overgrown and hazardous trees in my yard.  He would chop off the large limbs, stack them up neatly in a pile, out of the way, until he could come back and grab all the lumber.  Or so he said.  Well, he did come.  He did chop down some trees (Even the hammock tree, which he said he would leave...grrrrrr!).  The first part of the job was done.....and I went to pay him.  Why?  I don't know.  Because I am trusting and Believe someone will do something they say they will do.  I gave him his cash with his word that he would be back to collect the massive mess he left behind.  

Fast forward two weeks, several texts, several promises to come "tomorrow", one ominous blizzard approaching, and no word from Mr. Tree Guy.  Let it be known that in all of my texts, I was careful and cautious of my wording in case we ended up on Judge Judy...I didn't want to say anything that Judge Judy would scold me for.  I also made sure I made several references to having paid him so that that could not be disputed.  After all, I got no receipt and have no evidence of having even paid him since I had a load of cash at home (Bill paid me back).  So I was making my case for Judge Judy in text form (I think I would win!).  

Our yard is very soft.  Its not meant to have several hundred pounds of wood laying all over so this was very concerning, causing sleepless nights and frantic texts for him to come before the expected 20 inches of snow fell.  No word. 

So what does one do?  One comes home from work and watches Little House on the Prairie.  Well, poor pregnant Laura is tending the the farm during a drought when Manly (Oh how I hate that nickname!) was out of town earning a whopping $150.  Laura hauled buckets and buckets of water during a rare Minnesota heatwave in order to save her orchard.  

The wood in our yard was not going to move itself, and the tree guy certainly made it clear he was not going to finish his job.  So out I went.  Inspired by Laura....and my own anal-ness about having a tidy yard.  How in the WORLD am I going to mow in the spring time?!  

I hauled tons of wood!  Piled it in inconspicuous areas of the yard that would cause the least amount of damage.  Both to the yard and to the eyes.  Some of the pieces had to be hundreds of pounds, and those are the ones I rolled away best I could.  All the physical labor (two straight hours) helped to expel all the rage I was feeling from this situation.  Two neighbor boys did come by (dressed in crocks, shorts, and short sleeve t-shirts in the middle of December with a blizzard approaching) and helped a great deal.  They didn't last too long due to their attire and age 10 muscles, but they certainly earned their $20.  

Stone Soup.  In the Little House episode, Ma tells the story to the school children about Stone Soup....how a bunch of people can come together to accomplish something.  All the children went to Laura's to help her with her orchard.  And that is exactly what I experienced!  The neighborhood children came to help me out.  Together we got all the wood moved minutes before it started to freezing rain.  Something else to be thankful for.  

 In the midst of a crummy situation, beauty also exists.  A wonderful wife who is so forgiving for my errors in judgment and who supported me during my rageful time, neighbors who came together to help us out, and other neighbors who I know got our back when times are not easy.  Its heartwarming to see people pull together to help each other out and to celebrate what is good and true in this world. 

Lets not forget about Lessons Learned here.  So many lessons.  

One).  Never pay for a job that is not complete.  This lesson I have always known, but now I have learned.

Two).  Get a contract.  In writing.

Three).  Never pay in cash.

Four).  Get the guy's name.  I don't know his name or the name of his company!  What a fool!!  

Five).  Don't steal.  Sometimes I have this habit of stealing things from the store...like cat litter, cat food, cherries....Its always been justified that I am not stealing from a human, but I am.  Plus Karma.  I do not like this feeling of being taken advantage of.  Its gross.  Its not something I want to support.  Just be honest and real.  I bet if I acted more accordingly, Karma would also act accordingly.  

Canadia Land

Living just two hours from the Canadian Border my whole life, I have always wanted to venture to Canada.  A bucket list item you might say.  Actually, my bucket list item was to cross the Canadian Border, not necessarily go to Canada.  After Covid prevented this from happening two years ago, this was the year to make it happen.  It also happened to be Amy's and my seven year Anniversary so it was extra special.  

We have seen the border before, but never crossed it.   It was a little nerve wracking approaching the border patrol agent even though we weren't international smuggles of any kind.  Unless you count egg salad sandwiches.  We packed our own lunch to have lovely picnic at our first Canadian stop: Kakabeka Falls.  When the patrol agent started to question us if we had any poultry items on board including turkey, chicken, or eggs, I began to panic.  What do I say?  Do I tell the truth and risk them confiscating our organic egg salad sandwich lunch we were eagerly anticipating?  No, don't lie.  Just tell the truth.  So I came clean.  Admitted the contraband we had on board.  Thankfully he let us enter since the poultry items he was referring to was LIVE poultry and unprocessed egg items.  At least we could eat our sandwiches without a guilty conscious thinking the Canadian Mounted Police would come get us.

Next up:  Kakabeka Falls!  Also known as the "Niagra of the North" because of its sheer size.  Though no comparison to the real Niagara Falls (also on my bucket list), Kakabeka was definitely the biggest waterfall either one of us have ever seen. 

We enjoyed our almost illegal sandwiches and then went on a lovely hike in the Canadian wilderness.  It was a perfect hike with just the right amount of hills, climbs, miles, and surprises like this one below. 

Another smaller waterfall put a giant smile on my face and some pep in my step.  This hike was one of the longer and effort inducing hikes I have been on since recovering from Lyme, and I am happy to report that I was able to do it without much struggle.  

Canada was pretty much like home.  Only different.  We rode our bikes around our equivalent of Bayfront Park and Canal Park.  We found ourselves in the middle of a lovely outdoor festival where we partook in some legalized greenery and some delicious ice cream. 

Our hotel was an interesting experience.   Our room number was 217, which is well known to be one of the most haunted rooms in the Stanley Hotel from the Shining.  Though cool in and of itself, our room was anything but.  Amy got a horrible asthmatic reaction from a horrible odor or from the incredibly moldy air conditioner that blocked what should have been our lake view.  Instead, we had a teeny tiny window that we had to stand up to enjoy any view of the lake.  

Still, we had a wonderful vacation.  Before heading home we hiked another hike at Cascade Falls where there was reported to be a group of "mermaids" hanging about.  Though we did not see the mermaids, we saw plenty of trees, mushrooms, squirrels, and babbling rivers of water....just like home.  Also we made a must do stop at Walmart to see the different food items they had available.  We packed our bags with chips (All dressed chips) and several different chocolate candy bars (afterall, we were still in Canada where weed is legal) and headed back home, across the border once again.  Reentering the US was equally intimidating with camera taking pictures of the vehicle and yet another border patrol agent questioning what we were bringing back.  Again, I got all nervous and confessed our smuggle.  Chips and candy.  Though it was "just Canada", it was a little sigh of relief to be back on American soil where the speed limit is posted in Miles and not Kilometers.  

Though I got a bucket list item knocked off, the best part of the whole trip was just spending time with my lady on our 7th Anniversary.  I could not ask for a better travel partner nor a better life partner.  I am excited to continue crossing bucket list items off as we continue to venture through this weird and wonderful world together.  

Mother's Day postpartum

Today marks the 9th Mother's Day without my mom.  Crazy to think its been that long!

My first few Mother's Day after she died were really difficult.  I took those days to just be sad.  Cry.  Remember.  Grieve.  Then I got to thinking that I did not want to be sad on a day of such remembrance, and instead I wanted to honor my mom.   Celebrate her!  Of course, both things can exist, and they sure do.

One thing that I have adopted as a way to celebrate my mom is to brighten someone else's day with flowers.  I used to buy my mom all of her spring flowers for Mother's Day so I am always sure to get myself a hanging basket in her memory as well as gift someone else with flowers.  I try to pick someone who might also find this day to be a difficult one.  The first year, I gifted flowers to a coworker who has a strained relationship with her son.  The year after, another coworker who had recently lost her mom.   Followed by another coworker who lost her mom to suicide.  Last year, it was a male coworker whose mom died years ago.  This year, I am going to bring flowers to my niece who has a strained relationship with her own mom.  Its a perfect way to honor my beautiful mother and to keep her memory alive.  To think of all the people she continues to touch even years after her death is pretty astounding.  

Mother's Day is my own sacred holiday for just me and my mom.  All the other holidays and significant days (like her Birthday or death day) has me checking in with all my family members to acknowledge both my mom's life and also our loss.  But Mother's Day, I keep to myself.  Quietly celebrating the woman who gave me life and helped me be who I am today.  I miss her everyday.  

Happy Mother's Day!

Supporting Actress

 I just got done reading "Helen Keller" (and watching all three different movie variations).  The relationship between Helen Keller and Annie Sullivan really resonated with me, even leading me to sentimental tears on a few occasions.  I've watched Helen Keller a few times in the past, and have always been in awe of Helen.  This time through, I became in awe of Annie Sullivan.  She is, after all, the Miracle Worker.  A silent, steadfast teacher who, essentially, gave up her own life so that Helen could have one.  Helen gets all the limelight and fanfare, but it is because of Annie that Helen was able to succeed.

Some other supporting ladies I have related to is Olivia de Havilland's Melanie from Gone With the Wind, and Barbara Hershey's character (Hillary) from Beaches.   I greatly admire Scarlet O'hara's guts, sass, tenacity, and remarkable talent.  However, I relate more to Melanie: loyal, determined, moral, and full of love.  Scarlet is loud, glitzy, the star of the show.  Melanie is....forgettable.

In Beaches, CeCe (played by Bette Midler) is again, the star of the show.  Its been a looooong time since I have seen this movie, but the character of Hillary has always stuck with me.  It is because of Hillary that CeCe was able to be who she was; a successful entertainer.   CeCe is memorable and talented while Hillary is forgettable and supportive.  (In fact, I had to look up the name of Barbara Hershey's character's name while I fully remembered CeCe.)    

Annie, Melanie, and Hillary.  Three supporting actresses who have made a mark on my heart, and I think I discovered why.  I, too, am a supporting lady.  Like the above supporting ladies, I am silently supporting those around me in ways that may go unnoticed.  From my friends to family members to people at my job.  Many of the kids I work with do not remember my name.  However, I choose to believe they remember some of the things I have said or done while they have been in my care.  Many little seeds of hope and healing have been planted by this supporting actress in the 23 years working with suicidal children.

I enjoy my supporting role, and in fact, have come to embrace it.  Its in my soul.  I believe it is a part of my purpose on this Earth.  What a beautiful, fulfilling, and honorable role to have.  I'm grateful it is mine.  

Middle Aged Travelers

 April 2022 was a nice time to get away to Florida.  We left Duluth on a nice spring day, temps in the mid 50's.  We were a little sad to be leaving our nice weather, but once we arrived in 90 degree Florida, Duluth had a messy spring storm for nearly the entire time we were basking in the sun.  Not gonna lie, we were a bit elated to know folks back home were in a slushy, snowy mess while we swam in the hot sun.

Our vacation was an intentional one of relaxation so we did not have a big agenda.  It was a perfect reset full of fun, laughs, and intimate pool chats.

Here we are a couple of middle aged women doing pool Olympics complete with handstands, handwalking, judging and critiques.  We each took home a gold medal in the handstand competition.  We are both professionals after our years of practice and expertise.  It is fun to be a kid still!  In addition to our handstands, we participated in another juvenile pool activity.  Yup, we peed in the pool (Sshh, don't tell).  We kept track of how many times we relieved ourselves by holding up our fingers for each time we were too lazy to get out of the pool.  We got upwards of over 5 times each by the end of pool time.   Gross, I know.

Ice cream was a perfect way to cool off in the humid, 90 degree heat.  But eating it outside was not the perfect way in which to eat the ice cream.  We were a sloppy mess covered in rapidly melting ice cream.  We had to eat it so fast that I don't think either one of us tasted much of our delicious dessert.  We ate it on the dock so the drips could just fall into the water below.  And this is where we discovered  the relaxi-taxi!  The water taxi was a cheap way to get a boat ride in right from our hotel.  We wish we would have discovered the water taxi earlier in our trip, but this night we opted for ice cream instead of liquor.  Once you get over a certain age, you have to make choices and sacrifices.  

Also, as a middle aged woman, it seems I have classified the Red Hot Chili Peppers as "heavy metal music".  For some reason, Amy finds this hilarious.  I guess they are not heavy metal after all.  

Right from our hotel room, we have views of dolphins and manatees swimming off in the distance.  My middle aged eyes also discovered there were black pelicans on the beach next to our hotel.  I was so excited to go visit the pelicans especially once I saw another woman walk near them and they didn't move.  They must be friendly pelicans!  Imagine our disappointment to find that my eyes deceived us and they weren't pelicans after all, but rather they were tires on the beach.  I wanted to go see these mysterious pelicans not only once, but twice!  After realizing they were just tires, I was still in denial, and got excited moments later when I again thought I saw pelicans.....Amy had to remind me that my eyes were playing tricks on me!

On our final day there, we went to a butterfly conservatory which was beautiful and lovely.  This solidified my middle aged-ness when I found out that they considered a senior citizen to be aged 50!  Just two short years away, and I would have been able to get reduced senior rates!

When it came time to pack the suitcase to head home, our suitcase gained over 5 pounds, not from all of our travel souvenirs we bought, but because of all the food we stole from the continental breakfast each morning.  Oh, those Florida oranges sure were tasty back home in Duluth!

More highlights of the vacation included a mama manatee with two babies seen while kayaking, dolphins from our hotel, a dead rat at the hotel restaurant, and a mascot parrot named "Blue" (who was kind of scary)!

Though traveling is always a nice getaway, coming back home is even sweeter.  There simply is no place like home!

Tonya Harding Day

 Years ago, my lady and I created our very own holiday.  It happened after seeing the movie "I Tonya" and learning about the spirit of Tonya Harding.  She is who she is.  Feisty.  Unapologetic. Unstoppable (albeit a bit questionable).  A fighter with a winning spirit.  So we took those qualities and made our own holiday that became a day for us to be unapologetic, indulgent, and hilarious.  In years past, we picked an "enemy" to pour all of our negative energy into.  Last year, that enemy was woodticks (some past honorable mentions belong to a jacket from work, geese, and who knows what else).

This year, we celebrated a little differently.  It has been a difficult year emotionally for both of us.  Motivation to celebrate anything has been challenging, and I am not even certain we celebrated Tonya Harding Day last year.  The year before we had planned to take the DTA city bus, but covid happened and public outings were banned.  

So this year on Feb 6th, Tonya Harding Day proper, we decided to finally take the bus downtown and just have an adventure.  See what we see.  Just let the day unfold as it shall and experience the day for what it is.

We were pleasantly surprised.  

I didn't know what to expect on the bus, but figured that I would see some shady characters on the bus and perhaps feel a little uncomfortable not having been on local public transportation since high school, which is far too many years ago to even count.

Some differences I noticed was that there was a bin in the front of the bus designated for groceries so that people could place their grocery bags in a secure bin rather than on the dirty floor.  Another was the difference in the request for the bus to stop.  In years past, it was just an annoying "DING".  Now, it was a very quiet ding followed by the robotic voice pronouncing "Stop requested".  

The passengers were surprisingly thankful.  Nearly every single person who departed the bus via the back door, thanked the bus driver at the front of the bus for the ride.  It brought tears to my eyes to see the humanity, the gratitude, and the kindness.  If the passenger did not say thank you, the bus driver saluted "have a nice day" as the passengers departed.  Heartwarming!  This happened on both the initial trip as well as the return trip which led me to assume this was a common occurrence on the bus.  Local culture on public transportation.  

Examples of the generosity of the human spirit were ever present.  One guy boarded the bus unable to pay.  The bus driver gave him a free ride.  A rough looking young couple in the front of the bus gladly moved to the back to free up closer seats when cane using passengers boarded.  A little dog toting lady in a wheelchair also boarded.  The driver took a few minutes to help secure her safely in her spot only to have to patiently unbuckle her just two blocks later.  

Yes, it was a lovely holiday.  The actual bus ride was the highlight, but we also enjoyed a delicious lunch (with a gift card), and a stroll through part of our skyway system.  

It did not escape us that we were using the bus voluntarily as a form of entertainment.  Something different.  New.  Most, if not all, people on the bus were riding it because they had to.  Though we had blast, we were very glad to not have to rely on public transportation on a daily basis.  It took one hour.....each way....to travel what would take about 20 minutes in our vehicle.  It was loud, dirty, cold, long, tiring.  But what we will remember is the heartwarming experience.

Both of us enjoy being at home and venturing with strange people can be anxiety inducing.  But once you leave the house, it isn't as scary as the imagination makes it out to be.  In fact, people are good and goodness exists all around, especially if your eyes are open to it.  Tonya Harding Day 2022 was an eye opening reminder of the goodness of people.   This year, a symbol of hope and light and love.  

Thanks, Tonya! 

Lyme Time

 Seems I always feel like I have so much on my mind, but when it comes time to put thoughts into words, I struggle.  Then I begin to worry about the judgement of myself and others potentially reading my blogs which increases any blockage that already exists.  

But here goes.  

In a previous post, I wrote a little about how Lyme disease works, the controversy surrounding it, and a snippet of my experience.  Two years in, and another current flare up, has given me a lot to process and accept.

So facebook has been showing me a lot of my "memories" from years past, and after reading them, I sometimes feel sad.  My posts are happy, uplifting, real, and full of life!  It makes me pine for that time and those feelings.  And I realized that I am kind of grieving the me that used to be.

I went from being called an "energizer bunny" to being a couch potato.  I went from having over 700 hours of sick time, to calling in sick for days, weeks, or even months at a time.  I went from being a loyal and prompt friend, to one who cancels plans at the last minute. A flake.  I went from being the friend who others called for support, to being the one who needed support.  I went from the sister/daughter/niece/partner who had it all together to being a wreck sobbing on the other end of the phone.  I went from having mild anxiety to having moderate to severe anxiety some days.  I went from feeling hopeful, optimistic, and grateful to feeling hopeless, pessimistic, and hateful.  I went from being relatively social to isolating myself almost completely (with recent strides to reconnect).   I went from being active to not even having the desire to be active.   From a morning person to an afternoon person.  From feeling full of life to feeling empty inside.  From eating whatever I wanted to reading labels, eating organic, and monitoring  sugar intake.  From having a way with words to staring blankly at the screen before me; each sentence a challenge to expel. 

More than just Lyme disease has contributed to all of the above, but having Lyme enter my body and my life has been life changing.  Life.  Changing.  Lyme stole my soul. 

Yes, stole my soul.

Its how I can best describe it.  To describe this in words is so hard, and I am desperate to be able to accurately explain how this feels.  And I am struggling to put this down in words.  Struggling.

Lyme feels like a dark force overtaking my body and mind.  The essence of who I am feels trapped way down deep inside while another entity acts on my behalf.  My thoughts are not mine.  

I can't continue as I am struggling to convey how this has affected me, but I will try to close with some hope.

I heard a quote (saw a meme) that said, "Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma.  That person doesn't exist anymore--there is a new you trying to be born.  Breathe life into that person."

As I move forward on this journey, I am going to nurture myself best I can.  Continue to battle the bacteria that are trying to be in control.  Find the gratitude that comes with every day and live in the abundance of blessings that surround me.  

Man, this isn't the post I set out to write at all, but it is what it is and so it shall be. 

Connecting Again (Part 2)

Christmas of 2021 prompted me to reach out to my niece Shayna, who has been absent from the family for 20 years or more!  After Leanne (her mom) and Bill got divorced, Leanne brainwashed Shayna into believing bad things about Bill and our family. Leanne withheld cards and presents and even stooped so low as to falsify an email from Shayna to Bill saying she wanted nothing to do with her dad.  Feeble attempts at reaching out has fallen flat.  Too much time, too much anxiety, and too much hurt has prevented any real relationship from growing.

Well, I got real brave and decided to apologize for past mistakes and invited Shayna to reconnect by going out to dinner.  She was brave herself and agreed!

With excitement and apprehension, we set a date and did not cancel.  Though we both were secretly hoping the other would do just that.  First meeting was awkward.  A hug and some nervous laughter preceded our meal, but once we sat down, it was surprisingly easy and natural.  She mentioned how she couldn't stop looking at me, seeing herself in my face.  I couldn't stop staring at her for the beautiful young woman she had become.  Regret was present for both of us as we realized all the wasted years that we can not get back.  I missed watching her grow.  She missed my guidance and love when her own mother could not provide that for her.  

But we have now, and we have decided we are going to build a relationship from here.  Our talk was crazy relatable.  Our lives are eerily similar.  And now that we are connecting, perhaps Shayna and her dad can reconnect as well.  They need each other, and time is limited.  

So yeah, reconnecting with my family has been wonderful.  Yet Bittersweet.  With reconnection come the reminders of the losses.  People I've lost.  Time that has been lost.  The only thing to do is move forward from here, knowing better and doing better.  

Setting out to 2022 with the intention to be the best version of me I can be.  Cheers!

Connecting Again (Part 1)

 Christmas 2021 was a milestone for me and my family.  For the first time since my mom died, eight years ago, we gathered together as a whole family on a holiday.  Since my mom has been gone, we have pretty much ignored any holidays, and certainly have not gotten together on any holiday.  For the first few years, Christmas did not even exist for us.  Never have we acknowledged a Thanksgiving as a family.  All doing our separate things.  Sure, there might be a stray text or perhaps even a phone call, but to celebrate and enjoy has been foreign to my family for eight years. 

This year, it just kind of came together.  I had plans to go to my dad's house certainly.  Naturally Bill would be there.  Then I invited my aunt Dorie, who is a very youthful 86!  Then John came on board on the 23rd, and finally Jim decided to come.

My energy and motivation is very lacking so I was quite up front and told all that I would not be making or providing food.  Just a gathering would be sufficient.  Though I felt a little guilty about my lack of bringing more festivity, I was happy to just have the family together on a holiday.  And bless Jim's girlfriend Shelly, who brought cheese and crackers.  And bless Bill's lady friend Judi who brought over 1/2 ham and some other leftovers.  It all came together.  Though it wasn't perfect, it was lovely and nice and wonderful.  

Even Amy came, which was her first family function of mine that she has attended.  It felt complete to have her there.  It could be material for a whole separate blog post, but she was the recipient of John's foot flakes when he took off his sock to show his healing burned up foot.  His skin flaked off and flew right at her face!  Was a funny memory for sure.  What a hazing!  

Though it was only a two hour gathering, it was a very important two hours.   We had our first family Christmas in 8 years, and hopefully it won't be our last.  We can build from here.