Fabulous 4th

After not being invited to my brother's house to spend a hot and humid day on his pontoon for the 4th of July, Amy and I celebrated a little more quietly and oh so beautifully.   On the 4th of July proper, we had ourselves an intimate fire in our yard.   Meeka did great, after her initial barks, at the loud booms and pops of neighborhood fireworks being lit off around us.  After a while, she became a bit more desensitized to the intrusion and settled in with us at the fire.  Following that, Amy and I watched from the comfort of our couch the city's firework display on YouTube.

Ever since we moved to the home on our little lake, I have always wanted to do a nighttime kayak under the light of a full moon.  When we learned that Mont Du Lac would be lighting off their own firework show on the 5th of July, we were hoping for good weather to make a nighttime kayak come true.

Alas, the weather was absolutely perfect for a Duluth summer night.  Nighttime temps in the mid 70's with absolutely no wind, accompanied by a nearly full moon, made for a perfect opportunity to venture out on the water.  Plus with the addition of fireworks, how we could turn that down.

So out we went at about 9:15 PM (we kept Meeka at home for this excursion and had ourselves a "kid-free" date).  Once we got out on our lake, the beauty was only beginning.  We paddled through a magical galaxy of shimmering dragonflies, each one a flicker of summer's breath.  Peaceful and Serene, they enveloped us with their delicate wings as we made our way out to the most breathtaking sunset over the river.  

Amazingly mosquitoes were not bad!  Normally, mosquitoes make outside water time unbearable, but this year, they are a little more scarce.  Not absent completely, but definitely noticeably very few.

Once we got to the bay to watch the fireworks, the moon started to get covered up by some clouds leaving us a little concerned about paddling home in the absolute darkness.  While we waited for the celebration in the sky to begin, the current of the river started to slowly slowly take us towards home.  We just quietly flowed with the current allowing the river to be our navigator while we watched the distant sparks light up the night sky.  A beautiful reminder of our Independence especially when the outside world is a bit unsettled.   

Once the show was over, we made our way through the pitch black tunnel to return home to another mystical scene of hundreds of illuminated fireflies greeting us at our dock.  Pulling up to the fairy-tale scene  was the perfect ending to a perfect evening spent just with my lady love and God above.  

Life doesn't get much better than this, folks.  

This is 50

 November of 2024, I turned that big number we all think is unattainable, or far too ancient,  when we are wee little ones.  But alas, the Big 5-0 has found me.  I made it I guess one could say.  Turning 50 had me reflecting on my life up until now, though now that I am in front of a computer, the words I once had in my head have since faded; trying to retrieve them is proving quite difficult.  Possibly a symptom of that age.

So what did turning a half century look like for me?  It's different for everyone of course.  For me, 50 came in quietly yet profoundly.  For starters, I worked on my actual Birthday.  Work that day just happened to be a day that I co-facilitate a grief support group.  One of the ladies in group caught wind of my milestone Birthday and made it special by bringing in some brownies complete with candles and whipped cream.  

On the home front, my lovely lady ensured that I felt loved and special.  She encouraged a Birthday Bash, but that just isn't my cup of tea, so we celebrated more quietly.  

 

This photo shows sticky notes that have 50 accomplishments I have achieved written on them.   Amy hid all 50 of these throughout the house for me to find as I go about my day-to-day business at home.  Three are have yet to be found still  two months later. 

Then, because we both like to stay home, we did a YouTube painting experience.  

Mine is on the right, hers is on the left.  Bob Ross makes it looks to easy, but working with acrylic paints is not such an easy task.  This was more about the process and the experience of creating rather than the finished result.  A beautiful reminder for year 50 and beyond.  It's all about the journey, not necessarily the destination.  And my partner on this journey with me is the best one a human could find.  

Also on my half a century milestone, I bought myself a brand-new car!  Never have I ever been able to do that before and my 50th year was as good a time as any.  My car is still being built and I should have it in about a month or so, but this stock picture is what my car should look like.  I splurged and got a lot of bells and whistles like a heated steering wheel and heated seats simply because I could.  You could say that my dad actually bought this car for me since I am using his money posthumously for this purpose.   

Fifty also got me out on ice skates.  

I do have osteoporosis so doing things that could easily lead to fractures are a little  unnerving.  Luckily I had the assist of a folding chair to help keep my balance while I skated around, though I did take one unassisted lap around our frozen lake.   I've been on skates before, but not for many many many years, and possibly not for many many more years.  My itch has been scratched. 

Fifty also ushered in a new era for me which is the era of being an orphan.  My dad died just two months prior to my Birthday, and of course my mom has been gone for just over 11 years now.  Being an orphan is a mixed bag of emotions.  On one hand, its really freeing not to have to worry about my aging parents for I know how that story ends.  It has ended.  On the other hand, it is a bit lonely not having my two pillars of strength to lean on when I may need it.  Even in my dad's weakened state, he provided me a lot of strength during some of my toughest moments.  There is no love like the love of parents which is truly unconditional and ever present.  

Working in hospice, and watching my family drop off one by one sure has me thinking about my own life history, my future, and my end of life.  As my lady, Amy, reminded me with those sticky notes, I have accomplished a lot in my lifetime: things like being a good human, being respectful to my fellow man, striving to be the best daughter, sister, niece, aunt, fur mom, friend, and partner that I can possibly be, among so much more.   None of that is perfect nor will it ever be.  

Entering the next 50 years of my life, I want to continue caring for myself in ways that fill up my spirit so that I can continue to care for those around me, for that is what truly gives me purpose.  Even at 50, I still have teenage-like mental health breakdowns that cause me, and those around me, great discomfort.  This is unnecessary.  The intensity can be remedied by basic self care on a consistent basis, and it is up to only me to ensure the quality of my next 50(?) years is what I want it to be.  

Hard time are unavoidable and naturally a part of living.  But overall, up to this point, my life has been beautiful, comfortable, and filled with so many simple moments of joy.   I have always lived a simple life, and a simple life I hope to always live.  

Cheers to the next 50 years!

 

Saying Goodbye to Superman

 September 4th, 2024 I said goodbye to my Dad, my Superman.  About a month ago, he got the news that he had two malignant tumors on his pancreas.  Apparently, having two tumors on the pancreas is quite rare.  When my brother asked the Dr. if Dad would be around five years from now, the Dr. emphatically stated, "No".  Though we knew our time with Dad was limited, we were not quite prepared for how quickly things escalated.  

For the first few weeks after diagnosis, you would not have even known he was sick.  He did not complain of any pain, which came as a surprise to even his oncologist.  So when my dad started mentioning he was not feeling too well just two days prior to death, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.  

I stopped in to see him on Tuesday the 3rd and he was in a bit of pain.  He looked like death.   So, I started to get the ball rolling to sign him up for hospice.  I initially just asked the nurse practitioner on my team where I work in hospice how the referral to hospice works.  She was amazing!  She initiated the referral,  contacted his primary care physician, and was able to get my dad some pain meds.   This allowed my dad to have one last night at home before I brought him to the Emergency Room the following morning.

Wednesday I woke up and called my dad and he said he was not feeling well.  I asked if he wanted to go tot he ER and he left that up to me.  Well, I zoomed up to his house to bring him in.  When I got in the house, my dad was smoking his cigarette and seemed a bit confused, at one point yelling out for Bill who was not at home.   I helped him to my car, but this was no easy feat. 

He used his walker to exit the house, but once on the deck, he stated he needed to sit down.  I encouraged him to keep going because we were half way there.  In desperation, I started to wave my arms for the guy across the street to come offer assistance, but he did not see me.  So Dad mustered up some strength and took a few more steps, but that is all he could do.  I helped him gently down to the deck floor so he could sit on the steps while I searched for help from the neighbor.  Well, he couldn't sit and instead had his head on the step while his body laid on the ground.  I ran inside to grab a pillow for his head before running to the group home next door to ask for help.  A guy about my size answered the door and came to our assistance.  The vision of my dad lying on the ground, with his dentures loose in his mouth will be forever etched in my brain.  We got dad in the car and away we went to the ER.  

On the way there, he smelled so bad that I was gagging in the car, but trying not to let him notice.  He was moaning and uncomfortable, though able to talk in short sentences as he was short of breath as well.  I presented my dad to the ER with a full catheter bag, a foul smell, one sock on, slippers on the wrong feet and dentures with cavities.  Though nobody seemed to notice, I certainly felt like a neglectful daughter.  But, this was an emergency afterall, and people don't always have time to shower before an emergency.

The ER took tons of tests.  During this time, the nurse asked me if we wanted CPR should we need it.  Dad was alert and everything so I asked him.  He stated he did want it.  So, I asked him again if that is indeed what he wanted and kind of explained as best I could.  He again stated he wanted what I wanted.  Well, I didn't WANT that, but it is what I thought was in his best interest so I shook my  head no to the nurse and stood behind my dad so that he did not see me crying.  

At this time, the doctor came in and said there was a lot wrong with my dad.  He seemed to have an infection somewhere, his blood sugars were 699, he was throwing up blood, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.  So they started him on antibiotics and insulin.  This seemed to be of benefit to him as he seemed less confused, and more awake.  He was able to talk more easily and seemed in decent enough comfort.

Then the other doctor came in and basically said, that meds he was currently on would not offer any benefit long term.  She explained what was happening to his body and all of his organs were shutting down.  He was dying.   So, we decided to do palliative care and discontinue the meds, and he would be admitted to the oncology floor.

Once we were alone in the room, I was able to tell my dad thank you for being such a good dad, especially these past few years.  I cried with him then.  Told him I loved him and just sat with him. I tried to approach his dying with curiosity and interest.  I asked him what he was experiencing, but he could not quite verbalize what he was experiencing.   He seemed to be hallucinating at times, and mentioned seeing people when I could not.  

Once Dad got admitted to the oncology floor, all the brothers and Dorie came down to visit.  None of us realized that this would be the last visit we would have.  I was in contact back and forth with Hospice, and the plan was for my dad to return home in the morning so that he could die at home.  I am not sure my family understood this part of the plan; that discharging home meant that he was discharging home to DIE.    I wish I could have explained that part to them in that moment, but it all turned out for the best anyway. 

Since Bill stated he would stay and watch the Twins with him, I decided to leave.  Before I did, I explained to Dad that he would come home in the morning.  I gave him a kiss on his very cold lips and went home. 

Around 7:00 PM, something told me to call the hospital to check to see how my dad was doing.  The nurse advised me that Bill left some time ago, and my dad was now alone.  He was telling the nurse things like "I am dying and my family doesn't care", and seemed anxious.   Of course, I beelined to the hospital with a plan to sleep overnight.  

Upon arriving into the room, my dad was restless, not exactly in this world, and not quite out of it yet either.  I believe he knew I was there.   He looked me straight in the eyes and I told him I would remain with him.  I held his  hand for a while.  He was very fidgety with his hands.  His TV was on loud, so I turned that off, and put on some calming Palliative care music I found on my phone.  This seemed to help relax him a bit.  

He mentioned he needed to do something with his hands so I gave him a reusable plastic bag that seemed to provide some relief for the restlessness he was experiencing.  He kept putting it to his mouth, and I can't help but wonder if this was a cigarette fit.   Dad kept trying to get out of the hospital bed and at one point, hit his head on the side of the bed as he was struggling to sit up.  Had he been at home, he would have definitely been able to get up off the couch and would have fallen for sure.  I was thankful to have the hospital bed in the hospital with nurses around who could help me if I needed.

I asked the nurse for more medication.  She was able to give all of his meds at one time, which I was happy about.  He had difficulty swallowing (he was not hooked up to any machines of any kind), but was able to get those last three pills in.  This was a blessing.  He was able to be very comfortable, not restless, and was calm.  During this time, I told him to say hi to mom. 

I started to lay down to rest and had this urge to just say "I love you, Dad" over and over.  I said it three times and was crying.  Minutes after, the nurse came in, looked at Dad, and pulled out her stethoscope.  Indeed, his heart had stopped.  She had to get a second nurse to verify the death and it was confirmed.  

Unconventionally, I proclaimed, "I'm so happy!"  I wasn't happy he was dead, but I was happy he did not have to suffer for days...and selfishly I was happy I could go home and sleep in my own bed.  

Before leaving, I cheekily stated, "call me if anything should change".  

And that was that.  My Superman was gone. 

I am at peace with his death and his passing, though there inevitably remains the "what ifs".  Rationally I know that his death happened in the best way possible for him and for the family.  

Though he is gone in the flesh, he will forever be My Superman!

Low Key 4th

 Fourth of July 2024 was quite low key, but oh so fun.  We started our celebration by taking a trip up the North Shore with our pup on July 3rd.  It was extra special because I was able to score the day off on very short notice.  The perks of a non union job!  The 3rd was a hot and sunny day so we took advantage and decided to go to Gooseberry Falls.  Despite it being packed with people, we felt like we were the only ones there as we ventured on the Path Less Traveled....as we often do.  It was a path we had never been on before and the only down side was that it was hot and sunny with very little shade coverage.  Though it was only a short trail just over a mile long, we were a little concerned that it was too too hot for  Meeka.  She is a trooper though and did just fine.  

  Afterwards we did venture to where the people were, but only for a short walk through so our dog could see the gushing falls.  Having Meeka along sure does cause people to comment or make conversation, something neither Amy nor I really appreciate.  This deemed true for the possibly drunk gentleman who had to tell us all about his two dogs that he lost.  After painfully listening to him mumble for a few minutes, we were able to disengage and go about our day rather quickly.

Next up was a beautiful picnic on the rock tops looking down over the ever so beautiful Lake Superior with our signature egg salad sandwiches.  It was a perfect way to spend the day with the two living beings I adore more than anything in the world.  

The 4th of July proper was spent at home just being and enjoying the comforts of each other and our own home.   We did head to a new trail system just a few miles from home.  It was hot, cloudy, beautiful and void of all humans other than us.  To me, it felt like a beach walk in a foreign land. 

After enjoying our yard, we decided to chill out and watch a fun "comedy/adventure" movie!  The movie  choice was "Captain Fantastic", and though it was a good movie, it was no comedy adventure I tell you what.  Instead it was a heavy, thought provoking and philosophical movie that wasn't quite the feel we were aiming for.  Still, being with my lady on the 4th no matter what we are doing is exactly what I want to be doing.  We opted not to battle the 4th of July crowds to see fireworks this year, and instead watched them on our gigantic TV on live stream in the comfort of our pajamas.  

Our celebration did not stop there.  On the 5th, we went to a farmer's market in the morning followed by a lovely kayak in the early evening.  We are now able to kayak right from our backyard right to the river.  Some might have called us foolish for venturing out with the sound of looming thunder in the background, but venture out we did.   And I am glad we did as our excursion started with a glorious rainbow!  We paddled into that rainbow for quite a while before making our way back upstream with sights of muskrats, beavers, and eagles.  

We struggle to stay awake past 10 PM these days, but on July 5th, we went for a 10:00 walk with our dog down to the river to catch fireworks that Mont Du Lac was shooting off.  We were hoping nobody else would be at the pier so we could be selfish and watch the display all by ourselves.  As luck would have it, the folks who were there just before us all left just in time for us to have the pier all to ourselves while watching the quaint firework display right here in our own backyard.  We were impressed with our pup who did not bat an eye at the sounds and sights of the 4th of July.  

From Gooseberry Falls to our neighborhood fishing pier, we spent a lovely, low key holiday together.  And though there were people all around, it felt as though it was just me, my dog, and my lady.  No place I would rather be in this whole world.   My heart is full.   

Facing the Social Anxieties

So I was invited to a work function last week.  A social work function.  With people I hardly know.  At a private residence.  This is scary for me as I prefer to stay in the comfort of my own home surrounded by the people and things that help me feel.....well, comfortable.  But I thought this was important to attend as a team-building activity.  To both feel like I am part of the team as well as let my coworkers know that yes, indeed, I AM part of this team.  So show up I did.

Showing up is half the battle.  Actually, getting myself to show up is the entire battle.  Part of my initial anxiety was a lack of an arrival time so I did not know when other people would be showing up.  Arriving at places (and departing places), especially the more intimate setting of a private residence, causes me great social anxiety.   As a way to help ease that, I decided that I was going to arrive a bit early and monitor the parking situation to try to time my arrival with the arrival of another coworker so that we could walk in together.  

Well, I made it to the home and noticed there were no other cars parked on the street.  Instead of just showing up like a normal person, I decided to circle the block a few times to wait for that elusive coworker.  Now, this is in a neighborhood of well-to-do folks who live in very big and nice homes.  My car does not quite fit in.  It is rusty.  Clunky. Loud. Has kayak racks in the up position on the roof.  In other words, I stood out like a sore thumb driving around the block no less than a dozen times.  Thankfully, the guy digging dirt on the corner seemed to be oblivious each time I drove past him.  

One time, I pulled up across the street from my destination and as I was looking over my shoulder, I drove my car into the curb which caused me to honk my horn.  CLUNK!  HONK!   Horrified, I sped away with sweat dripping down my brow.  I sure hope nobody saw me; but in times of today, most people have cameras and such so maybe I gave someone a good laugh.

My bladder started yelling at me and I had to pee something fierce.  I drove around searching for a perfect spot to relieve myself....only such a spot did not exist.  Alas, just ahead, a porta potty in the yard of a big beautiful home!  As I drove nearer to it, there was a crew of men doing some landscaping work....no way could I bring myself to use that!  It was like the Universe was taunting me.   I held in my urine and went another round. Still no work buddies.

One more time around the block, and frantic texts to my lady for support, and I decided to just go for it.  Still no cars, but I can walk up and alert my hostess that I am here.  Or can I?  I did.  I walked up onto the porch only to turn back around and head back to my car.  Instead of knocking or ringing the door bell, I decided to text her to let her know I arrived.  Before too long, I see her standing on her porch, waving to me to come on in!

So I once again make my way up her walk and got to her door only to find she has a misbehaving dog who I accidentally let loose!  So that made things quite awkward.  Thankfully before she went after her dog, she spontaneously led me to her bathroom where I could pee and breathe.  By the time I exited the bathroom, the dog was back inside and I was a little calmer. 

The gathering was quite nice, but the whole time I was there, I kept thinking how I had to leave.  I gave myself a time limit I wanted to leave by....except I had had a margarita.  That delayed my self imposed exit time.  

Still, somehow I made it there alive and made it out alive.  And now I feel a little bit more a part of this team I have been working with for over a year now.    Plus maybe I built up some muscles for future social events such as this one.  

Our Pet Manual

 With the addition of our sweet Meeka comes a whole other level of crazy pet owner.  In the rare event that we ever leave our home and our animals in the hands of someone we trust (which is very few!), they will be greeted with the biggest manual imaginable with all the idiosyncrasies our little lovelies require.   Grab yourself a cup of coffee to read just a few of the cautionary blurbs for caring for our three spoiled cats and one dog who is actually a Princess.  

Keep your coffee cup out of reach as Scully seems to be a coffee addict and will eagerly lap out of your cup.  Oh yeah, your toothbrush is even more alluring for her. 

Keep a small puddle of water in the bathtub for both Scully and Franklin to drink out of.  Their lovely water fountain is not good enough for either of them. 

Keep all felt materials out of reach.  Meeka likes to include felt as part of her regular diet.  

Cat turds are also the tastiest treat Meeka can find so keep a tidy litter box lest you want to play a game of "catch-me-if-you-can" while she gnaws on some tasty turds. The fresher and smellier, the better!

For some reason, the dog won't eat food out of her bowl...so you must make mealtimes into a game.  Hide her kibble in any kind of dog toy or snuffle mat to ensure she is getting adequate nutrition.  Cat turds won't cut it. 

Also, the dog won't sleep unless she is laying on your lap.  If this occurs, you are stuck in one spot until she decides she has slept long enough.  Actually, this is true for all the pets.

Franklin doesn't eat food.  Though is the heaviest of all of our animals.  He prefers plastic anyway.  Never leave plastic bags of any kind laying around.  Franklin has the sniffiest sniffer for plastic and will bust into locked drawers to swallow some of that slippery goodness.

Margie has an affinity for rubbing her poopy butt on her toilet paper, which doubles as our carpeting.  To minimize this, take a warm, wet washcloth and give her bottom a nice bath.  Don't worry, she will howl for hours on end in the bathroom until this is accomplished.  Oh yeah, this is her private time so make sure no other animal is nearby.  

Speaking of Margie, she has intense rage sometimes. Just give her her "kicking burrito" or banana so she can take her aggressions out on that.  It helps.

Meeka likes to eat anything that she isn't supposed to have.  Her favorites are hair ties and rubber mats.  Each night, allow Meeka to take your hair tie out of your hair and hold it in her mouth.  Pretend like she isn't supposed to do that, though.  Then, try to take it out of her mouth while giving her far more authority than she deserves.  Wiggle the hair tie free and then give her smooches.  As for the rubber mats, your solution is as good as ours.  

Every evening after dark, it is "red light time".  Don't worry if you forget this...Meeka will be sure to let you know when it is time to take her outside and have her chase the red laser light that she will never be able to catch or touch.  

Feeding time is a whole book in and of itself.  In the mornings, feed dog first in her kennel so that the cats can eat in peace.  Dish Franklin up some food even though he won't eat it.  After cats are fed, let Meeka out of her kennel so that she can run around and lick all the bowls.  On Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, put a capsule of glucosamine in both Margie's and Scully's food.  

Before bed, fill the cat crunchies up while making sure Meeka gets some "accidentally dropped" cat foods.  Keep crunchy cat food on table.  Then, bring dog to bed.  Then, exit the bedroom to find Margie sitting with a panicked look on her face thinking you forgot to feed her.  Then, quietly put previously filled crunchy bowl on the floor so Margie can eat her carefully measured out portion (even though she eats at will throughout the day). Now you may reenter the bedroom where dog is and finally go to sleep.  Unless you are startled awake by the sound of honking geese or cats trying to bust their way into the bedroom.  See below: 

Use the sound machine to drown out the sounds of incredibly loud geese and minor cat scratchings on the door.  If cats scratch excessively, put in place the spikey moat while using caution so you don't get impaled by stepping on it when you have to use the bathroom while half asleep.  

Scully can pretty much do whatever she wants.  It is wasted energy to try to get her to comply.

This sums up the gist of how we rearrange our life to make our furry critters happy and comfortable.

Please submit your resume complete with cover letter and 10 references, and give thanks that you don't have to puff Tino with an inhaler twice a day everyday.  

Bookend Year

 Year 2023 was, what I am calling, a "bookend year".  In January of 2023, I got myself a new job.  It was a huge leap for me, and a leap I wasn't sure I wanted to take.  Now having been in my job for a little over a year, I can surely state that I have no regrets in leaving my old job.  My new job, working in hospice, has been wonderful.  Sure, I still get anxious.  Sure, I sometimes feel as though I am inadequate on what I do (after all I am still learning the job).  And, sure, sometimes I hate having to go to work.  However, my new job allows me to work at home most days, and the people I am providing support for seem to really appreciate even a 5 minute check in.  Learning something new and challenging myself outside of my comfort zone is proving to build parts of my self esteem that had been lost...or maybe forgotten.  My work environment is filled with positvity, love, and genuine concerns for the well-being of our clients as well as for each other.  My old job had that, too, but in hospice it feels a little less toxic, and a lot more patient centered.  The folks who work there seem to operate on a spiritual level that is above my own, which helps to elevate me as well.  Some days I feel that more than others. 

Then, in December of 2023, we got ourselves a PUPPY!  

Something that also brought with it some trepidation:  We've done this before and had a horrible experience from start to finish, Will the puppy bond with me?  Can I even take care of a helpless creature when I struggle to properly care for myself all the time?  A puppy is a lot of responsibility that affects spontaneity and freedom.  The dirt!  The smell!  The potty training!  All that and so much more.

However, getting Meeka happens to be just about the best thing that has happened to me since falling in love with my best friend 10 years ago.  She brings joy to me on a daily basis, is my co worker on days I work from home, my motivation to get out for walks, and a tremendous emotional support.  She keeps me out of the world of my head and into the world of the living. 

Though I have had to make a few personal adjustments.  For example, she won't let me wear headbands or hair ties as she removes them from my head just about as fast as I put them on.  She has left me about an inch of a king sized bed to sleep on, and I am forced to share just about all of my food that I eat.  Oh, and the cat box has to be kept extra extra clean because she reaaaalllllly likes cat turds.  But somehow, even her naughty behavior is cute and charming (except the cat turd thing....that is just awful).  

So, yeah, the year 2023 started out with a positive change and ended with a positive change.   And as I am sitting here writing this blog during my work day, with my dog sleeping in a sun spot, and my lady love downstairs, my heart is filled with gratitude.  

Healing Through Love

This quote spoke to me on a level that gave me reason to pause, and in a way that provoked some motivation to do better.  It dawned on me.  I have a living, breathing entity inside of me that deserves to be taken care of.  Much the same way I take care of my beloved cats.  Much the same way I take care of a baby or child.  Much the same way I take care of drowning worms after a rainfall.   Not to say I haven't killed my fair share of insects and other such critters, but even then, I try my best to free the spider in the house rather than smush it dead.  So if worms and spiders are worthy of such care, how come the entity in my body is not?   Whatever this soul is, it chose to reside in this body.  I will admit that I haven't always been welcoming to it, but have, hopefully, come to realize it needs a welcoming and nurturing environment that only I can provide it.  

Not sure why this quote got me thinking, but once I realized I had a living, breathing being inside this shell, I figured I had better take care of it.  Not sure why I haven't thought of it like this in the past.  Its almost a no-brainer, really.  I've devised self care plans for myself in the past, and have been able to stick to them for a short amount of time.  But they say,  if at first you can't succeed, try try again.  So here I am trying again.   I have a plan in place to take care of whatever is taking up residence inside my skin and bones.  It chose "me", and it deserves better than I have been providing.  Basic self care needs of water, exercise and connection to the world in which I am existing is all it is, but it isn't always easy to achieve.  Life gets muddled and focus falls on things beyond my control.  My only real job in this life is to love this entity.   Once I start nourishing this soul, I can provide better for the other souls who are floating around beside this one, something I have not been very good at lately.  

The other day I opened up a Bible to a random page and read it.  It was all about coming to know God through Jesus.  I'm not religious; I don't know much about God or Jesus really. I can't tell you the chapter or book of which I read.   But I do know that it was a message from beyond myself, and I also know that Jesus is love.  So by loving myself,  I can come to know God on a deeper level.  

It is through love that heals.   

Facing Fears for Birthdays

 This year for our Birthdays, we opted for having an experience rather than giving gifts.  Inadvertently we ended up choosing activities that challenged us to face a fear of ours.  OK, so maybe not those life altering fears that get songs and movies, but fears nonetheless.  

Amy wanted a quiet, low key experience for her big 4-0 and she opted for a petting zoo!  So fun!  

How is this facing fears you might ask?  Well, see that llama there (or maybe that's an alpaca.... I don't really know the difference between the two)?   Llamas are notorious for spitting on people, and that is just not something either one of us want to encounter.  We have both been too afraid to approach llamas at zoos until this day.  The lady at the petting zoo ensured us that her llamas did not spit.  True to her word, we remained dry and got to pet and feed this furry little guy.  

When it was time for me to pick my Birthday experience, I opted to do an instructional art activity.   I have always had this belief that I am not creative nor can I do art.  These instructional art classes are kind of trendy right now, and I have been curious by people's finished projects they have posted on social media.  Certainly, I could not make a beautiful picture like they did...or could I? 

By Golly, I can!!  This is my painting.   It was a class of about 20 people all making this same picture so it was easy to look at the progress of neighboring painters, which is dangerous for me since I have a tendency to compare and criticize my own work.  Alas, I suspended my own self judgement and just let my own picture develop from my own brain and hands (and the guidance of our instructor).  

Side by side of my picture (left) and Amy's picture (right).  Of course, there are a few places in my picture that are not perfect or exactly how I imagined it.  However, it is a piece I am quite proud of.  A symbol to face fears, to allow imperfection, and to focus on what is beautiful rather than what is wrong.  This painting has so much beauty AND imperfection.  

And I created it!   

Another Bucket List Check Mark

 One of my bucket list items has been to be on a game show.  About a month ago, I decided to apply  to  be on Wheel of Fortune!  I didn't really think much would come from it.  After all, I hear that over 1 million people apply to be on the show.  But just a week ago I received confirmation I was selected for round one of auditions!  

Amy made it home just in time to watch me audition and snapped this picture:

It was literally a 5 minute audition with 4 other people.  Though brief, the experience was interesting and I am so grateful I got to be a part of it.  It was a brief  get to know you session, much like how people introduce themselves on the show itself.  I mentioned my two jobs (crisis mental health and hospice), My adventures with Amy, and of course I mentioned how I like to take my cats for stroller rides.  The interview ended and now I just wait.  Wait to hear if I have been selected for Round 2.  

Every day I put the energy out in the world to be selected to be a contestant.  I want this.  Bad!  I'm hoping this blog post will help the energy flow into the Universe.  This is Pat Sajak's final year as host so I'm extra hoping that I get chosen to be on this season of the show!  

Wheel of Fortune, Here I Come!  

Vacation Time!

 Normally I take an extended vacation each year, and this year was no exception.  I was uncertain of my vacation status since I just started a new job at the start of the year, but I was able to squeeze out 16 consecutive days off.

Day one started with an ice cream date with my lady love at Gordy's in Cloquet.  They have some tasty and delicious ice cream.  What a perfect way to start out days of rest and relaxation.

An unexpected event took place when we had a giant tree fall in our yard after a brief, but powerful, storm blew through.  Jim volunteered to help us out so we had a day of watching him chainsaw.   

The meat of my vacation was our Anniversary trip to Marquette, MI.  Neither of us had ever been and we were excited to see all the sights!  It was about 5 hour drive so road trip here we come!  Our first sight was the World's Tallest Indian, "Hiawatha", in Ironwood. 

This was a surprisingly fun stop with a heritage mining park nearby, and some teeter totters!  After asking the spirits for a fun and safe trip, we went back on the road where we stopped at every. single. rest stop on the way.  It was fun to get out, stretch our legs, grab a bite to eat, and see the beautiful surroundings that exist just beyond the lush trees.  

We arrived in Marquette and decided to explore that area instead of going further East like our original plan.  Weather was absolutely perfect for us to adventure on our bikes along the Michigan shore of Lake Superior.  The night we arrived, there was a rare Super Moon which also happened to be a Blue Moon!  We had the privilege of watching it rise over Lake Superior right from our pool.  Another visitor happened to question our interest in the moon rise and asked us if the moon was going to do tricks for us.  Yes, yes it does do tricks!  I am so fortunate to have a partner who appreciates the simple miracles of moon rises, sunsets, and all kinds of nature.  Having a Blue Super Moon on our Anniversary was full circle for us after a full Blood Moon was a major player the night Amy was brave enough to tell me she loved me eight years prior. 

Though the outdoor temperature was perfect, it was still a little chilly to actually swim in Lake Superior, but that didn't stop us from taking a quick dip anyway.  Our hotel was right on the shore of Lake Superior so knowing we had the security of warming up in our hotel hot tub, we decided to take a dip in the frigid waters.  No regrets there!  Naturally we played all sorts of water Olympics in our pool before celebrating further in our hotel room.  

The next day was a gorgeous hike above the Lake around Presque Isle where the big water was calling our name inviting us to kayak.  We were a little nervous since the water was not very calm and our kayaks are not made for big water.  However, the rock formations were just so inviting so in we went with a lot of caution.  It was brief, beautiful, and very worth it.  Crystal clear waters showed off the magnificent boulders below.  It was "ocean-esque", with the major difference being the temperature of the water.

We bid adieu to Marquette to make our way back home.  We were eager to return to our cats and the comfort of our own home, but one final stop to ride our bikes around Sunday Lake finished out our trip.  Our trip began with Hiawatha and ended with Nee Gaw Nee Gaw Bow.  I managed to sprain my knee after jumping down right after this picture was taken.  I think he was punishing me because I was disrespectfully picking his nose.   I profusely apologized for my faux pas.  Mercy was granted, but not after a few days of using some crutches. 

Still, this did not mar the beauty of the trip one bit. Marquette left us wanting more so we intend to go back to spend more than just one night with an adventure further East to Munising next time.  

I love Michigan, Lake Superior, hiking, biking, kayaking, and all kinds of full moons.  Sharing all of that with the love of my life was really the highlight of this vacation for me.  Spending time in her company is my most favorite memory.  

Bucket List Check Mark

 Last week we accomplished something on both of our bucket lists.  Something simple.  Free.  And Fun!

Concerts at our outdoor venue of Bayfront are always inviting.   Since neither one of us enjoy crowds of people, we tend to avoid these kinds of activities.  Plus, it gets expensive.  Of course, the right act would be worth both the crowd and the money.  

When we heard that Bon Iver was playing at Bayfront, we took this opportunity to satisfy a bucket list item of both of ours: attending a Bayfront concert from the vantage point of being on the water in our kayaks!  The weather cooperated beautifully and perfectly so we loaded up our boats and headed for the big water.

Upon arrival, the water looked choppy and a little intimidating.  We were apprehensive until we spoke to another lady who convinced us we could paddle across the bay since she had our same kayak.  Though the winds were quiet, the water was wavy.   We weren't the only people who had the idea to attend a concert from the water so there were big, fast boats a plenty.  This added to our anxiety, which almost prevented us from being brave enough to paddle across the big water.  

However, as we saw caravans of others in kayaks and stand up paddle boarders, our confidence came and we made it across the Bay in anticipation of hearing the concert.  It was perfect.  We were right there by the Aerial Lift Bridge and the William A. Irvin.  Naturally I  had to make my way to the Irvin to give it a love tap.

It was a fun atmosphere to be among the crowds of boats anchored in the Bay for the same reason we were there.  Many people were playing in water, which was not numbingly freezing.   We paddled between all the boaters while listening to lovely music under a clear, warm sky.   No better way to enjoy time with my love!  A perfect Duluth day.  

Spontaneity at its Finest

 Yesterday was such a fun, spontaneous day that I wanted to capture it.  Capturing these fun days and moments are something I want to focus on.  First, to formulate those feel good pathways in my brain, and second, to remember them!  

We woke up yesterday to a cool, foggy, humid July morning.  My first day off after a full five days.  Nothing was on my agenda but maybe to do some messy yard work.  The idea of taking a road trip to Michigan was kind of in the back of both of our heads, but we also kind of postponed it for later in the week so when Amy suggested Michigan, I wasn't mentally prepared.  After a few minutes of thinking about it, I thought it sounded like the most perfect way to spend an overcast and cool summer day.  

After packing ourselves some organic ham sandwiches and tossing some water in a cooler, off we went.  No plans.  No agenda.  Just take a road trip and see what we see.  These are often our most fun outings usually with fun surprises and few, if any, disappointments.  

Neither one of us was dressed for the coolness of the day (lowest recorded temp from the car thermometer was 57 despite the forecast of a day in the high 70s).  We had planned to get out to stretch our legs,  take a few hikes, but the weather was not super inviting.  We had wanted to sit outside somewhere beautiful to eat our brought-from-home food.  Alas, our tummies and our body temperature had us settle for the parking lot of the Ironwood rest stop where we watched old people slowly walk into the building and back out again.  

After that, our next spontaneous stop was non other than WAL-MART!  This was actually fun, and we even bought a few things.  Me:  a new outfit for work.  Her:  a knee brace for her bum knee.  Plus on the drive there, we got to go through a cool, old, downtown looking area of Michigan that was reminiscent of a ghost town.  

One more stop to get what we could obtain legally from Michigan before heading back home.  On our way we drove past a sign for Interstate Falls.  Should we stop?  Should we continue home?  Amy had a bum knee, and I didn't have warm clothes to hike in 57 degree, rainy weather.  We both figured, "what the heck, why not?", so I turned the car around and headed back to the trail head.  This was not a mistake.  

As luck and preparation would have it, I carry some extra clothes in my car that included a rain poncho, long pants, and my work jacket.  Amy now had her knee brace which made walking a bit less painful for her.  I was warm.  She was mobile.  The trail was short.

This foggy dampness only added to the beauty of the woods.  Dewey moss, dripping leaves, trees, roots, unseen critters, and of course running water with mini waterfalls kept pulling us to adventure.  Waterfalls are my medicine.  I love them, find them healing, and am often called to play in them.  After arriving at the big waterfall, I wanted to do just that, so play I did!  

Outdoor temperature was chilly.  Waterfall water temperature was sure to be cold, but something was calling me to play in the waters.  I wanted to swim and play.....until I saw the crayfish.  Or I should say "Michigan Lobsters".  

These things were swimming and scattering all over the rocky bottom of where I wanted to play.  Big.  Creepy.  Eerie. And so many!  But I  didn't let them stop me.  After stripping down to my bra and undies,  and screeching reluctantly for several minutes, I surveyed the water, reminded myself they likely were not going to hurt me, and took a dive right in.  (Seeing strangers approaching from up above also expedited my dip in the frigid water as they were on their way down and I was half naked.)

It was a quick dip, but it was a full dip indeed!  No crayfish got me and I emerged feeling victorious, proud, and rejuvenated.  As a cosmic reward, the sun begin to shine and miraculously the temperature spiked up to 75 keeping me warm on the hike back to the car.  One seldom regrets the things they do, but often regret the things they do not do.  I left this trail without any regrets.  Thanks to my lady for her photography and pep talk.  Not sure I would have done it without her undying support and encouragement.   

Our trip didn't stop there.   We visited a small, but beautiful cemetery where we wondered about those who passed, and enjoyed the beautiful vegetation and insects along the border.  Another stop in Ashland where I wanted to take another dip in Lake Superior, but opted against it while making plans to revisit in the very near future.

This was a wonderful, beautiful, day filled with spontaneous moments and mood lifting experiences.  Waterfalls are healing indeed. 

Sunday Reflection premier

Getting back into blogging is something that has been in the back of my mind for quite some time, and I even have sporadically blogged from time to time.  But I would like to blog even more.  Last night, Amy had a brilliant idea that I could blog on my Sundays at work as sort of a Sunday Reflection, which is also a lovely form of self care for me.   Once I finished all my office work for the day, I decided to do just that.  Over my lunch hour, of course!  

This is the result.

As many bloggers will tell you, one of the first blogs after not blogging for a while is usually about wanting to blog and not blogging.  This one is no exception.  I seem to be stuck with what I want to write about, or rather with what will flow out so that is always a good starting topic to help get unstuck.

Why am I stuck?  I don't know.  I think its because my own self judgment comes in and I get weirded out about what I am writing, how it will look, and what others will think.  Then, I reread some of my old blogs, and feel inspired, and actually get amazed that I was able to produce such posts.  How can I possibly keep producing worthwhile posts?  These are just rambling thoughts to ramble about to help my very first Biweekly Sunday Reflection.  

I like writing, and have yearnings to be an author.  Not really, but kind of.  A friend's husband of mine just cranked out a series of books, got them published and now they are selling on Amazon.  I think that is so cool! (I would read them, but they are so not my kind of genre....fictional military strategic risk type genre).   I don't really want to do that, but feel I am a writer in the depths of my soul.  My own judgment says I am not, but I heard a quote the other day that said, "If you write, you're a writer".  So write I shall.  And a writer I shall be.  

So I am at work.  Writing.  About nothing.  Just letting words flow from my head through my fingers, and I am hoping in time this will feel less clunky with more fluidity.  These few words that have been "penned" has taken me over 30 minutes to formulate.  

Sundays in the office are quiet.  Literally nobody else here right now.  As I sit in an office made for 7 people, I am farting audibly.  The other office area has one other person who did come in to share some funny, weird stories from her day.  After coming from 24  years in mental health, her funny, crazy stories pale in comparison.   Still, moving forward, Sundays will be a great day to dedicate some uninterrupted time to blog.  With more practice and opportunity, will come more clarity and ease.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go visit some dying people.  

Saying Goodbye

 My mom used to tell me a story about how she knew I was a sensitive person when I was watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon from a highchair as a baby.  I have no recollection of this, but apparently there is an episode where Tom and Jerry have to wave goodbye to a lion friend of theirs who is sailing away on a boat (or something like that).   Toddler me was crying/sobbing along with Tom and Jerry while proclaiming  "They will never see the lion again".  

I have always hated goodbyes.  They make me ugly-cry emotional.  The last day of Jr. high school was a hyperventilating sob fest (in my defense this was a time before cell phones and social media which made staying in contact with my friends a little more difficult).  Even simple goodbyes like leaving a gathering or work is awkward for me.  My brother has earned the nickname "Houdini" because he is known to just disappear from social engagements.  Though I am not quite that bad, I, too, have been known to just slip out so that I don't have to bid my farewells.  

So, when I was presented with the idea of having a going away party for work, I immediately turned it down by adamantly saying "no way!"  

Not only am I bad at goodbyes, but I also don't like being the center of attention.  My mom had to come fetch me from the comfort of my bedroom during my high school graduation party because I was holed up in there avoiding all the people. 

A going away party for myself is just about the worst possible circumstance I could find myself in.  But after giving it some thought, I have decided to have a small, simple goodbye.  

I need it for myself to honor the job...and the people...I have worked with, laughed with, cried with, wrestled with, for 24 years.  Its a big deal and one that deserves a proper goodbye.  Going to work in hospice, I am going to have to approach these emotionally difficult situations with goodbyes that are far more gut wrenching than leaving a job.  So approach I will.  

Watching a Barbara Walters special yesterday, there was a quote that said, "You never die as long as people say your name".  This brought about a little fear and sadness within me because people do not ever remember my name.   I will never forget my time on 3 MHU, and I am just hoping 3MHU does not forget my time there either.  In my personal life, I do not have many in my family who are younger than me to share memories and "keep me alive" once I am gone from this world.  My legacy will be in the lives I have touched through my work in mental health and now hospice.  All of the staff who I have worked along side for 24 years will have some sort of my influence just as I have theirs.  And with that, I know that some of what I brought to that unit will carry on which gives me some peace in knowing.  Even if my name is not remembered, my energy remains always.  

Scully Cat

 This post is about Scully Cat!

Not the best pictures because I am having trouble uploading the ones I want.  Also I am mad at her today so she will just have to settle for some sub par photos.

As I type this, she is crawling all over my lap, blocking my view from the screen, and laying on my arm to paralyze it from doing anything other than moving my fingers.  But those are not the reasons I am upset with her today.

See, Scully does not care about anything.  She will do as she pleases.  So this morning she woke me up by scratching at the bedroom door, which we keep closed to ensure better quality sleep.  For if we don't, Scully will walk upon our heads and perch herself on our sleeping bodies as though she owns us.  So our door is closed. In front of our door is a protective barrier for the carpet as Scully has tried to claw her way into the bedroom causing quite some damage to the carpet.  So, we have a heavy duty welcome mat, underneath an electric shock causing mat, held down by a large boulder.  Still, Scully manages to claw through that all to wake me up in the morning.  

In order to not positively reinforce me getting out of bed to feed her, I instead opened the door and squirted her with a squirt bottle.  She got doused today!  I kept squirting her and squirting her as she bolted around the living room like a little space invader target.  

So,  yeah, I am a little annoyed with her today.  

She does not respond to discipline.  So we ultimately just give up trying.  The only cat who is "allowed" on the table and counter is Scully.  We don't so much allow it as surrender to it.  Its a lot of effort to discipline for nothing.  She is a little naughty and an ultimate brat-cat much like Nermal from Garfield.

Poor Scully sometimes gets the nickname of "Garbage" because she is just an ordinary run-of-the-mill kind of cat.  Not as unique as our other two.  However, she is very endearing, gentle, and sweet.  She is the most friendly-to-human cat we have at the moment.  She gives good snuggles, on her terms only.  If she is snuggling in, and you happen to move....or breathe....wrong, she leaves.  She makes a great lap cat if you don't move or make any noises.  When she wants affection though, there is not much you can do but to give it to her.  She will crawl upon your shoulder, walk in front of your face, dance in circles on your lap until her needs are met.  

Scully is smart!  She learned how to do the high-five paw shake after watching Margie do it JUST ONE TIME!  Smart she may be, but she is also a very proud cat.  Going for stroller rides and doing dog tricks are beneath her, if you know what I mean.  You be an often find Scully sleeping in a freshly laundered basket of clothing or underneath a small table we have named “jail”.  

My morning anger with her has already subsided as she sat upon my lap purring the whole while I wrote this out.  She knows how to manipulate and act all cute to get in good graces.   

We love our Scully Cat and are very happy she is part of our family!  

Decision Time

 Well I did it.  I took the leap!  I officially accepted the position of the bereavement coordinator and will be leaving the job I have loved for 24 years.  Well, I probably loved it for about 20 years.  The past four years or so, I have tolerated it.

Seriously though, each day at work has been difficult for me.  Claustrophobic, tedious, repetitive, old, boring.  Sure it is "easy money" and I still hope I made the right decision as I will be working quite a bit more than I am now.  Two more days a pay period more.  Even more if you count the days I currently give up to another worker or call in.  And lets face it, on those days I do give up, I don't really spend those days in any meaningful way....video games, television, maybe some housework.  Always justified because I "need to rest".  Perhaps I need to rest because my job sucks the life out of me leaving me nothing worthwhile on my days off.  

When I look into the future with my new position, I see vibrant colors and blooming flowers of all kinds.  When I look into the future for my current job, I see a dull flat line.  Grey. There is nothing left for me to really learn at my current job, and, in fact, it seems as though my responsibilities are diminishing.  Hence my decision.  A coworker, upon hearing my news, cautioned me against leaving.  Advised me to "Just take it one day at time, go inside yourself, and stay in your own lane".  Well, I don't want to take life one day at a time in the way this is meant.  Its slowly killing me....killing my spirit and my light.  I started counting how many shifts I had left until I could retire at over 3,000 shift.  I am down to 2,657 shifts, but that number has drastically decreased now that I officially accepted this new job!  

Instead, I am following something that brings me excitement, curiosity, stimulation.  I'll be learning something new, doing something new and hopefully feeling something fulfilling.  This will feed my energy leaving me not quite so fatigued so that my days off will be more quality.  That's my hope anyway.  

Oh I have concerns a plenty.  But overall, it feels right.  If I just sit in the feeling of it, it feels good.  If I let my thoughts take over, well, I think I am a fool.  "I left a perfectly good job", "I could potentially make more money in less days if I stayed", "Its easy", "I could get paid for doing crosswords or watching movies", "I don't have any clothes for this new job (currently wear scrubs to work and pajamas on my days off)", "What if I can't handle all the emotions and sadness", "I won't have as many days off as Amy", "what will I do in the summer when I want to be out playing and am instead stuck working".....and the list goes on.  

However, I feel like this decision is a culmination of everything that has happened over the past few years.  This is the moment life was creating.  I see God's hands in it.  From my illness, to my relationship issues, to my personal issues, grief, and even my therapy.  It all combined to create this moment so I feel I have no other choice BUT to accept this job.  The ultimate "Choose love over Fear moment"....and I'm choosing love for ME!  A decision I am making for ME.  One that I think my heart and soul want to make and that will hopefully enrich my life on many different levels.  

And today, my facebook is all about memes that say things like "Last year made you strong, Next year will make you happy", or "The best is yet to come".  I really feel like that is true.  The past year(s) made me strong so that I could make this decision confidently.   And I have heard it said that one does not regret the things that one does, but rather regrets what they don't do.  Oh I hope that is accurate!  

Sure there is some grief over leaving the job I have called family for almost a quarter of a century, and I don't think the reality of all of that has even hit me yet.  But I think I am ready.  I've learned a lot, grown a lot, and have done what I can there.  It is time to move on.  

A new couch

A new fridge (with all new food even)

A new job

A new year

A new Me.