Freak of Nature

Since I have revealed vajayjay issues and also revealed embarrassing Jr. High School pictures, I thought I'd stay on that train. While we're at it, I might as well walk you through the many afflictions that prove I am a freak of nature. Let the Embarrassment continue.....but its all in good fun.

First, I have super duper stretchy skin. Its stretchier than the average person. It affects my whole family and from internet research, we have diagnosed ourselves with Ehler-Danlo Syndrome or EDS. Usually our type is found in a circus pulling their bottom lip up over their nose, but we settled for quarters showing off our skin at neighborhood Tupperware parties. No lie. When I was just a wee gal, my mom showed me the neatest trick ever. She showed me how to bundle up my skin on my knee or elbow to make a penis!!

My stretchy skin has made for some pretty interesting conversations and people who may not necessarily remember me, usually remembers my stretchy skin. At least I am remembered for Something. Even if it is for a Penis Knee.

Affliction #2: My hands. My hands have a million bazillion lines in them. I call them "old lady hands". I have had old hands ever since I was young so it isn't something that just appeared. Years ago I went to a palm reader just for shits and giggles. She told me my palm was unreadable because of all the lines. Then she said I had multiple personalities. Maybe.

I just like to think that I have had many many past lives and they are all reflected in my palm.

Affliction #3: Eye strings. Sorry no real photo available at this time. I get these odd fiber like strings that appear in my eyeball and I have to dig them out! Its like a long strand of a very tiny hair encased with booger stuff. They hurt and make my eye puffy and red. When the occur, I get obsessed with them and must dig them out, but when I pull out those suckers, its immediate relief.


Affliction #4: Varicose Veins. Well, I used to have them. Thanks to my mom and grandma, I was blessed with the atrocity of varicose veins. Ugly, ugly, ugly. As I aged, they only got worse so I had a very minor surgery to rid myself of their presence. Only now I am left with something more disturbing. Now I have little brown holes all over my leg. Thirty-one holes to be exact.

My skin, being I have EDS, does not heal like most peoples' skin. Instead, it forms keloids, or fatty masses, when I get an injury. So now I have 31 little Keloids all over my leg which is just as, if not more, unsightly than those purple bulging veins.

Affliction #5: Clicky Hip. Sometime after age 30, I developed a new talent. When I walk, I click. Simple as that. It sounds horrible; I could probably have a conversation with a remote African tribe just from the sounds of my hip, but it does not hurt at all.


Oh, the embarrassment! Complete with pictures and all! What a lucky person you are to be privy to this circus-eligible resume.